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How do I have the conversation about paying half for rent, etc? Moving in together

pandagirl2018

By pandagirl2018
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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 months and decided to move in together (as in him moving in with me).

 

Last month we started doing that but not full-time, as he was still sleeping a few days per week at his house.

 

But we decided to just do it full-time from January and have been doing that.

 

He hasn't mentioned anything about paying half the rent, bills and other stuff.

 

I want to have a conversation with him about it because rent is due next week and it doesn't make sense for me to be paying it in full (as well as gas, electricity and other things).

 

How do I start this conversation with him? I feel a bit resentful to be honest that he didn't mention anything about it (and it was his idea to move in full-time), and I feel that it needs to be me bringing it up.

 

Thank you!

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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One thing first.. is he still paying rent at his apartment ?

If so then he is basically paying rent right now, it wouldn't be fair to have him pay rent in both places..

 

If he isn't then just sit him down and say you want to discuss the bills and rent as rent is due soon and discuss it...

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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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One thing first.. is he still paying rent at his apartment ?

If so then he is basically paying rent right now, it wouldn't be fair to have him pay rent in both places..

 

If he isn't then just sit him down and say you want to discuss the bills and rent as rent is due soon and discuss it...

 

His house was bought, so yes he is still paying morgage until he sells the house.

 

I understand is not fair on him to pay on both places, but is it fair on me to pay for everything and higher bills on gas and electricity with him living here?

 

And not just bills, but groceries as well. Although he has been buying groceries too.

Edited by pandagirl2018
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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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This conversation needed to happen before he moved in.

 

Tell him that you need to develop a budget together. Sit down, look at your incomes and expenses and make decisions together. Not an easy discussion to have, but a necessary discussion if you plan to live together...

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Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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Of course he should pay half the bills living at the apartment or at least till the house is sold he should pay a portion of them... if he isn't going to sell the house then he ought to move back into the house unless you both can support both places.

 

 

You in essence are asking him to pay all the mortgage on his place, all the bills on his place, half your rent and half your bills...

 

 

I'm all for paying more than my fair share but that doesn't seem right...

 

 

When is he going to sell the house ?

 

 

You should discuss this with him, he might have the easy answer that would settle your issue

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Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

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You don't need to have a conversation. When the bill comes, tell him what his half is.

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Wallysbears Established Member

Wallysbears

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Is there a reason you'd move into an apartment vs. a house that one of you owns?

 

That seems sort of backwards to me.

 

 

And he shouldn't move in until you've discussed the financial aspect of it.

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Tamfana Established Member

Tamfana

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You could start the conversation by saying, "let's talk about how we're going to share expenses. I've assumed we're going to split the expenses equally. What are your thoughts?"

snowcones Established Member

snowcones

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He said he was going to sell his house?

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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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Is there a reason you'd move into an apartment vs. a house that one of you owns?

 

That seems sort of backwards to me.

 

 

And he shouldn't move in until you've discussed the financial aspect of it.

 

Yes. I live in a nice 2 bedroom house in a nice location, and he was living in a small 1 bedroom flat in a not as nice location.

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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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You in essence are asking him to pay all the mortgage on his place, all the bills on his place, half your rent and half your bills...

 

I'm all for paying more than my fair share but that doesn't seem right...{snip}

 

His house is for sale already, but it can take months to make a sale and actually have the money of the sale on the bank account.

 

I understand where you're coming from, but on the other hand is not fair on me either to have to pay higher bills on my own because he has moved in.

 

Either way, I think we need to discuss the situation and arrange a way of moving forward that we are both happy.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Absolutely not. He should be paying half the electric, gas, cable, groceries, etc.

 

But rent is another matter. Your rent is not increased because of his presence. While he's paying his own mortgage it's reasonable for him to pay that and for you to carry on paying your own rent. Then when his house is sold it's reasonable to split rent 50/50 too.

 

However it's worth checking the legalities, just in case things to wrong with the relationship, like who would be held legally responsible for the rent and who would have right of occupation of the property? Will his name be put on the rental contract? If he pays rent then does the rental still belong to you alone, and do you maintain the right to throw him out? It's no fun to think about things going wrong when you're happily moving in together, but it's important to protect yourself.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Geraltt Established Member

Geraltt

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... it's worth checking the legalities, just in case things to wrong with the relationship, like who would be held legally responsible for the rent and who would have right of occupation of the property? Will his name be put on the rental contract? If he pays rent then does the rental still belong to you alone, and do you maintain the right to throw him out? It's no fun to think about things going wrong when you're happily moving in together, but it's important to protect yourself.

^^^^^ So much this!

 

A good man will understand that having these discussions is important, both to the individuals AS individuals and as a couple.

 

If you can't have these sorts of important discussions, then that might say something about the viability of the relationship.

 

Good luck.

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Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

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However it's worth checking the legalities...

 

If I could expand upon this post... Depending on the laws in your state, once he is living with you for over 30 days, he can earn certain legal rights as a "long term guest" as he "establishes residency" Even if he is not on the lease or mortgage of your place, you may have to follow formal eviction procedures to get him removed. In some states, if he receives mail at your location, it is his residence.

 

Have him sign a "month to month" lease. This will protect both of you. Spell out everything. Who is responsible for what and when? There will be no ambiguity about the details, it will be in black and white (signed). Find a lease template for your state, some are even free, some are $20 - $30 (money well spent)

 

I've made this mistake and it cost me some money. Not a lot, but enough to leave a bad taste in my mouth about living together.

 

Just my two cents!!

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Malin889 Established Member

Malin889

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His house was bought, so yes he is still paying morgage until he sells the house.

 

I understand is not fair on him to pay on both places, but is it fair on me to pay for everything and higher bills on gas and electricity with him living here?

 

And not just bills, but groceries as well. Although he has been buying groceries too.

 

Why don’t you wait until he sells the house, then have him move in?

 

You should have this conversation before he moves in, not after.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I thinks he's gonna get a little prickly about paying half while still paying for utilities at his place. It would be more cost effective for him to be living in his place until it is sold. Be wise to seek out a lawyer and get a co-habitation prenup made up to protect your assets before he actually takes up shop at your residence. You are just BF/GF...you shouldn't be combining bank accounts or property until you are married. The way things are being handled right now, you are being very foolish.

 

 

He could rent his place out to a friend for low rent due to the unknown time they will be able to stay there.

Edited by smackie9
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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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I thinks he's gonna get a little prickly about paying half while still paying for utilities at his place. It would be more cost effective for him to be living in his place until it is sold. Be wise to seek out a lawyer and get a co-habitation prenup made up to protect your assets before he actually takes up shop at your residence. You are just BF/GF...you shouldn't be combining bank accounts or property until you are married. The way things are being handled right now, you are being very foolish.

 

 

He could rent his place out to a friend for low rent due to the unknown time they will be able to stay there.

 

That's why I want to have this conversation, especially when he's not saying anything about it (and I think he should).

 

Is very romantic to wanting to be together and close to each other, but there are practical matters that need to be addressed, otherwise I'm not comfortable.

 

We don't want to be apart and want to live together in the now, but if he says to me he cannot afford to pay his morgage and half of the rent and bills here at mine, then it would be better for him to continue to live at his whilst he is in the process of selling his house, because not paying anything causes an imbalance in our relationship.

 

It's about the money, but above all is about we being equals. I see money as an energy, if both pay half of all expenses it means we are both invested in our relationship and living together.

 

Otherwise, I don't even feel we're living together. It's like it's my place and he's just a guest.

 

And of course, the way he responds to the conversation will say a lot of who he is.

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Rockdad Established Member

Rockdad

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Posted

Not only does the apartment expenses need to be discussed but also some other items. Division of household chores, grocery shopping, cooking and laundry.

Elpida. Member

Elpida.

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Posted (edited)
I want to have a conversation with him about it because rent is due next week and it doesn't make sense for me to be paying it in full (as well as gas, electricity and other things).

 

How do I start this conversation with him? I feel a bit resentful to be honest that he didn't mention anything about it (and it was his idea to move in full-time), and I feel that it needs to be me bringing it up.

 

Thank you!

 

Definitely have this conversation as soon as you are able to. If bills are imbalanced, I feel that ultimately you will end up building resentment.

 

It's also important to make sure that you are both on the same page about it all. Example, I was in a situation where I moved in with a guy and winded up paying everything and when I brought it up finally, he felt that I should pay more because I earned more! (not substantially and he'd have plenty of money for his social life but none for rent weirdly!). When I finally bought it up we had a big row - so bring up as soon as you can and don't feel bad about it.

 

It doesn't have to be confrontational, but needs to be addressed! Same with groceries! My guy thought we had magical cupboards that sprouted cereal and snacks miraculously.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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Thank you. My guy does buy groceries, but doesn't mention anything else about rent, bills, etc.

 

Yes you are right. I feel I am already building ressentment to be honest. Because the idea of moving in started with him, and he did move in and didn't talk about anything regarding paying for things, and I feel he should have done that.

 

I'm going to have that conversation asap as I am not comfortable with not having it.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Financially I think it's silly to be paying for two places. That is why I suggest him renting it out to recover the costs.

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pandagirl2018 Established Member

pandagirl2018

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He doesn't want to rent it, he wants to sell it.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
preraph Established Member

preraph

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Don't give him any options to wiggle out of paying it. Just put a sticky note in front of him with half the bills and half the rent totalled and say, Here's your half. If he doesn't want to pay, he shouldn't have moved in. If he wants to pay everything owes once the house is sold, well, that's a gamble because you may break up before then.

 

And be sure he's paying for his own groceries and doing half the housework. However it gets started is the way it will stay. Give him the bill now and no options. If he wants to move out instead, fine.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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He doesn't want to rent it, he wants to sell it.

If it's going to take months to sell it he may as well rent it out while it's on the market...you can do that you know. just have an open lease, where they can have a months notice to relocate. People don't take immediate possession of a place....depending on the deal put forth, it can be another two months or pending the sale of their residence.

Elpida. Member

Elpida.

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Thank you. My guy does buy groceries, but doesn't mention anything else about rent, bills, etc.

 

Yes you are right. I feel I am already building ressentment to be honest. Because the idea of moving in started with him, and he did move in and didn't talk about anything regarding paying for things, and I feel he should have done that.

 

I'm going to have that conversation asap as I am not comfortable with not having it.

 

 

Yes that's the best way. Maybe it's tricky if there is some overlap in the short term of him still having his current place, but just need to have a sit down and have a chat about it all.

 

I feel like I bottled it up a bit with my ex and then I'd end up getting too snappy. I'm sure he will be understanding! Just let him know that you want an idea of timeframes and you have some financial concerns.

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