snowcones Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 My friend is 42, divorced with two kids. One of her kids is special needs and still sleeps in the bed with her. She is debating on whether or not she should continue to move forward with dating a guy because of the situation with her kid still sleeping in the bed with her. She is now wondering if she should even be dating at all considering this. Thoughts?
AriesDude Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 absolutely nothing wrong with that. Of course there are men out there that would turn and run if they hear about that kind of a situation but if the guy she is currently seeing is decent and really cares for her the word compromise wouldnt even come into play. My ex had 3 daughters with of which 2 had special needs and slept in the same room/on the bed every night. Didnt bother me at all. So im thinking if I exist...other men that would care for her children as much as her also exist. Best advice I can give you is to tell your friend to always mention it early on when dating anyone though. So she can...whats the phrase..."cut the bad weed out faster"? something like that lol.
Erik30 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 It would be a deal breaker for me, but I don't date single moms anyway... (plus she's too old for me) I'm sure there are (older) single dads out there who can understand her situation and are fine with it. I think it's probably too much for guys like me who don't have any kids
Author snowcones Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 It would be a deal breaker for me, but I don't date single moms anyway... (plus she's too old for me) I'm sure there are (older) single dads out there who can understand her situation and are fine with it. I think it's probably too much for guys like me who don't have any kids Thank you for your honesty. She has said that she prefers to date older single dads as well. absolutely nothing wrong with that. Of course there are men out there that would turn and run if they hear about that kind of a situation but if the guy she is currently seeing is decent and really cares for her the word compromise wouldnt even come into play. My ex had 3 daughters with of which 2 had special needs and slept in the same room/on the bed every night. Didnt bother me at all. So im thinking if I exist...other men that would care for her children as much as her also exist. Best advice I can give you is to tell your friend to always mention it early on when dating anyone though. So she can...whats the phrase..."cut the bad weed out faster"? something like that lol. In this case, she has spent 4-5 months dating this one guy, but he has not been to her house yet, has not met her kids, nor have they had sex yet. He knows one of them is special needs, but he does not know that that one sleeps in the bed with her. He has asked to go to her house and meet the kids on Monday, so she is at a crossroads now and needs to make a decision. If it's not too personal, how or when did you two have sex with a special needs kid who slept in the bed with mom?
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 She can date, but to find herself a husband? no. A special needs child does grow up...what then? Your friend should seek out a therapist to help this child transition to sleeping in their own room. If need be, she can use a baby monitor with a video camera to make things easier. 1
AriesDude Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 If it's not too personal, how or when did you two have sex with a special needs kid who slept in the bed with mom? Well in my case there was another empty bedroom where none of the kids went to and we waited till the kids went to sleep and there was well...the bathroom, the garage, a huge car with lots of space, hotel rooms for when her parents wanted to see the kids or the father's custody weekends...yeah she will think of something. It is good to see your friend is going slow. Let her keep it that way. Monday night does not have to be naughty night especially when he is also meeting the kids and seeing the house for the first time, i truly do not believe that finding out that the kid sleeps in the same bed will be a problem for him....if it is a problem then she should find someone new... but yea best advice is to always follow your heart and your instincts...after 4-5 months she knows him well enough to be comfortable around him so things will work out fine from what i am reading
Author snowcones Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 She can date, but to find herself a husband? no. A special needs child does grow up...what then? Your friend should seek out a therapist to help this child transition to sleeping in their own room. If need be, she can use a baby monitor with a video camera to make things easier. Yes, I told her to work on getting the kid (who is 18 btw) out of the bed for now. I think she spends so much time taking care of and focusing on her kids, that she just wanted some adult time and to have some focus on her, hence her dating, but she is ill prepared for the realities of taking it to the next level. Well in my case there was another empty bedroom where none of the kids went to and we waited till the kids went to sleep and there was well...the bathroom, the garage, a huge car with lots of space, hotel rooms for when her parents wanted to see the kids or the father's custody weekends...yeah she will think of something. It is good to see your friend is going slow. Let her keep it that way. Monday night does not have to be naughty night especially when he is also meeting the kids and seeing the house for the first time, i truly do not believe that finding out that the kid sleeps in the same bed will be a problem for him....if it is a problem then she should find someone new... but yea best advice is to always follow your heart and your instincts...after 4-5 months she knows him well enough to be comfortable around him so things will work out fine from what i am reading I know she won't want to make Monday hanky panky night. At least I think she won't. There is no father or family around (they are in another country) to help care for the kids and give her a break. It doesn't seem like she knows her date well enough to know how he will react to the special needs kid. She is quite nervous about it. I've met the dude once and I can't get a read on him either about that.
AriesDude Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 It doesn't seem like she knows her date well enough to know how he will react to the special needs kid. She is quite nervous about it. I've met the dude once and I can't get a read on him either about that. Yeah must be tough without family around to help out. She is super lucky to have a friend like you around then. but yea that is where patience comes into play which he probably has a lot of if he can go without hanky panky for 5 months lol. But yea your friend is not young anymore either. Even with nerves she will be able to tell if Monday goes good or not. Just tell her to be calm and take things slow and put you on speed dial for any questions lol. Also remind her the date doesnt have to be very long. If she feels like she only wants to try 1 hour at first then thats fine...have seen lots of people do it when the nerves catch up lol. Best advice i can give you without knowing the guy
Author snowcones Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 Yeah must be tough without family around to help out. She is super lucky to have a friend like you around then. but yea that is where patience comes into play which he probably has a lot of if he can go without hanky panky for 5 months lol. But yea your friend is not young anymore either. Even with nerves she will be able to tell if Monday goes good or not. Just tell her to be calm and take things slow and put you on speed dial for any questions lol. Also remind her the date doesnt have to be very long. If she feels like she only wants to try 1 hour at first then thats fine...have seen lots of people do it when the nerves catch up lol. Best advice i can give you without knowing the guy Thank you. She's pretty much freaking out and is going to tell him that he can't come over Monday and that she thinks it's too soon and would rather spend time with him at his house. She says her SN's child is very intolerant of her giving attention to anyone else (even her younger sister) while she is around mom and she acts out - yelling, screaming and hitting. Plus, the bed thing. She doesn't feel very hopeful and was wondering if she shouldn't even date at all. I told her to just tell the guy that she wants to hang out at his place until she makes some progress at home with the kid and introduce the kid slowly. I don't know what to tell her or what the right thing to do is, that's why I came and asked here. I have no experience with SN's children either.
preraph Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I don't know what she's dealing with and if this child can't be trained to sleep alone and stop getting ugly when he's not getting attention, but if that is the case, I kind of think dating is out of the question. Other people with special needs kids out there, do they sleep in their own room? Do they get mad if someone else talks to you? Anything you can do about it? 1
Author snowcones Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 I don't know what she's dealing with and if this child can't be trained to sleep alone and stop getting ugly when he's not getting attention, but if that is the case, I kind of think dating is out of the question. Other people with special needs kids out there, do they sleep in their own room? Do they get mad if someone else talks to you? Anything you can do about it? The kid is a girl. My friend said she tried once (a while ago?) to get her out of the bed but was unsuccessful. She thinks it may be time to try to train her again to get her out of the bed, but hasn't started that yet. As for getting ugly when she's not the center of mom's attention, I don't know what to tell her about that. Mom, my friend, just talks about how much worse she used to be and how much better she is now. She is afraid it will scare the guy off. I am too, unless he has close experience already with SN's kids.
AriesDude Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Yeah someone without experience or lets say the consideration to understand how the kid is could be in for a surprise...but you know its already been a few months. I would say the sooner he gets introduced to the child the better. If the child really were to be a problem for him he would have ran away ages ago.
preraph Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 The kid is a girl. My friend said she tried once (a while ago?) to get her out of the bed but was unsuccessful. She thinks it may be time to try to train her again to get her out of the bed, but hasn't started that yet. As for getting ugly when she's not the center of mom's attention, I don't know what to tell her about that. Mom, my friend, just talks about how much worse she used to be and how much better she is now. She is afraid it will scare the guy off. I am too, unless he has close experience already with SN's kids. Well, trying once is a joke. Getting a child to sleep alone, any child, takes a concentrated effort. She is just coddling her. She's waited an awful long time to start setting limits. I know it's not easy. But I bet if she'd bed trained her like any parent early on, she wouldn't be having this problem. I've read that it needs to be done early while the kid believes everything you say, and you train them that their bed and room are their safe place and all that.
Author snowcones Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 If the child really were to be a problem for him he would have ran away ages ago. I don't know about that AriesDude, but thank you for the vote of confidence. Well, trying once is a joke. Getting a child to sleep alone, any child, takes a concentrated effort. Yeah. I feel so bad for her. (I hope I'm following the new quoting rules- it's a bit confusing)
AriesDude Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I don't know about that AriesDude, but thank you for the vote of confidence Well then all the more reason to definitely have this date on monday if you guys have doubts so your friend can ascertain as to how things will move forward. Hoping for the best though. Please come back and do an update after the date so we know what happened.
Author snowcones Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 Well then all the more reason to definitely have this date on monday if you guys have doubts so your friend can ascertain as to how things will move forward. Hoping for the best though. Please come back and do an update after the date so we know what happened. Ok I will tell her to go through with the date on monday and come back to update.
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