My Girlfriend is Playing with My Emotions

[AngryReject]

I started an affair back in 2013 with my co-worker. I was separated with my wife, and she was having marital issues. It was all fun and games until she ended the affair because she wanted to try once more with her husband. I respected that, and want back to being strictly professional. Six weeks later I transferred to a different branch in a different city.

 

During this time, I began a long distance reconciliation with my wife. She eventually moved with me to the new city. IT was rocky for the better part of two years when she finally said she wanted to move back. I followed and transferred back.

 

Three months after moving back, my wife and I separated. I started getting friendly with my co-worker again. She once again was having issues with her marriage, and we started up again. One day I noticed an email where she told her husband that she wanted a divorce. I asked her about it, and that is when she said she loved me. I had been suppressing these feelings for a while, and I admitted my feelings for her. We started hanging outside work, and at the beginning of last year, she officially separated from her husband. She and I officially become a couple.

 

She didn't want me to meet her kids, and I didn't want her to meet my son until both of our divorces were final. So I officially filed for divorce, and she said she would as soon as she could afford a lawyer. I told her once I got my payout from my house, I'd hire her the best lawyer she could get.

 

So in September, my divorce was final. I didn't get as much as I thought I would, and after paying off some debt, and paying a huge payment to my ex-wife, I didn't have much left over. She said it was fine, but would have to find another means to file for divorce.

 

October and November passed without any mention of her divorcing. At the end of December, we receive a work bonus, a substantial amount of money. It would have been more than enough for her to put a retainer on a lawyer. I ask her on Christmas Eve about it. She said that was her plan.

 

Then all of a sudden on Boxing Day something happened. I sent her multiple text messages, and I got no response. The 27th, 28th and 29th came and went and not so much as a peep. Finally, on the 30th, I tell her I'm coming over to her place. She didn't want me to meet her kids until the time was right, and any visits to her place was preplanned. She instantly responded telling me she had a bad week, her daughter was sick, and she and her husband were trying to work out details of the divorce to make it amicable, and she didn't want to risk him finding out about me. She said she'll call me in the New Year, told me she loved me, and that was it.

 

So, I respect that. From the 31st to the 7th, besides seeing her briefly at work, we have little contact outside. She seems distracted, and I ask her about it. She says she is getting close to an agreement; then she will use her bonus to hire a lawyer.

 

Finally last night, she asks to go on a date. So we have a good meal out, we go back to my place and have sex, and watch a movie. Then she goes into the bathroom, comes out and says she has to leave. We have one last makeout session, and she leaves.

 

I feel like she is backsliding, or there is something she is keeping from me. I tried texting her good night, and I get no response. I phone her, and her phone is off. I feel angry if not a little jealous.

Edited January 10, 2019 by AngryReject

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly? I have to wonder if her husband has actually been at her house celebrating the holidays with her.

 

She is working hard to keep you away from her, and while I could understand that it's a stressful time working out a divorce, my gut would be telling me it's not just stress-related.

 

I'm sorry OP, but I don't think this is going to end well for you. I would imagine in the next few weeks you will be hearing that she and her husband are going to try again. You two started as an affair, so you know very well that she is capable of deception to suit her needs. I just think you happen to be on the other side of it this time.

[AriesDude]

Yeah i dont really wanna throw the word "Kharma" in your face but come on man...you should have seen this coming. Even the stats say only about 4% of people that say "i will leave my wife/hubby for you" actually go through with it.

 

And you basically just admitted to her that you are kind of broke...so she will weigh her options and stay married while playing with you for as long as she can. Spare yourself the pain and stop giving her the chance to play with your feelings.

[elaine567]

Sounds like you are getting the runaround usually reserved for OWs, by MM who promise to leave and divorce but there is never the "right time", frankly they are happy with the status quo and do not want to leave.

 

I guess she is finding it difficult to finally pull the plug, so she is stalling.

 

I too guess she is reconciling with her husband or she is having second thoughts about you, or she may have found a new love interest over the holidays... stranger things have happened...

 

Whatever it is, she is pulling back from you and that it is never usually a good sign, so I think you should put plans in place to carry on without her.

 

It is never really a good idea to plunge straight from one long term relationship right into another, it never tends to work out well...

[Redhead14]

"I think she's backsliding" -- She's treating you like a "side piece", that's all. You feel like she's playing games with your emotions? Take your "piece" off the game board.

[Gretchen12]

You yoursef ought to know, that you might separate and even move to a different city, and still try to reconcile, and go back and forth a bit before divorce is actually final. She needs to go through that process. In the end she may not divorce her husband.

[Wallysbears]

Sounds like she's not as into you as you thought she was.

 

She probably isn't going to get divorced.

 

Good luck.

[manfrombelow2]

I was exactly in the same situation like OP years ago, and the funny thing about these kinds of things is that they all STARTED and ENDED the same way as this formula:

 

The settled guy falls for another settled girl -> He officially breaks up with his settled girlfriend or wife BEFORE the other girl has done anything in her part -> Now the guy already put all eggs into one basket, the other girl suddely changes her behaviour and initial intention -> The girl officially stays back in her old relationship, and the guy LOSES IT ALL.

 

The lesson learned is: Women are very into you when you're still attached with a wife or a girlfriend, but the moment you dump your wife or girlfriend for them, they immediately pull back. That's just how they are programmed to be.

 

The fact that OP's girlfriend has been acting all hot & cold because doesn't want to be with OP anymore, instead she wants to stay in her comfort zone with her husband (there's nothing bad about this), but just doesn't know how to communicate with you about it. And ghosting (slowly fading away into nothingness) is a common used strategy.

 

And this:

 

So we have a good meal out, we go back to my place and have sex, and watch a movie. Then she goes into the bathroom, comes out and says she has to leave. We have one last makeout session, and she leaves.

 

is nothing more than a final act of kindness for you to finally ease her guilt of leaving you with nothing. Trust me, if a girl loves you, she would die and kill to be with you, not "leave" you after you have had sex.

 

And no, she does not "play with your feelings", it's all your fault for trying to look at reality the way you wanted it to be (building a brand new happier family with this new girl) instead as the way it REALLY IS (you should have stopped your affair with this girl after a while and trying to get back with your wife, who truly loved you).

 

Best of lucks in your healing.

[manfrombelow2]

About her divorce, maybe she really gave it a thought at some point during her involvement with you. But it doesn't matter any more, she might wanted to divorce her husband when she said it you, but now she doesn't want it anymore.

 

That's the thing about females. Everything they say is only true AT THE MOMENT they say it, because that's how they react to their emotions at the time.

 

For example, when a girl says "I love you" to me, I do believe her but I also know that line is only valid at that moment, because that's her emotion for me at the moment. Maybe right in the next day, if I say or do anything that upsets her, her emotion for men then might become negative, and she WILL NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE.

 

That's the thing about females you should be aware about. Everything they say is only valid at the moment they say it, nothing more, nothing less. And it's not their fault, it's how how they were "designed" to be.

[BaileyB]

Indeed, it sounds like she is not ready to file for divorce. And, if she does - do not pay for her divorce!

 

I too think that this is not going to end well for you OP. Although, I think if you find yourself without either woman that may actually be a good thing, because it allows you to leave these two very unhealthy relationships behind and find someone with whom you can start fresh - with none of this messy history...

[manfrombelow2]

I agree with this comment. Women are masters at considering which better options for them to stay with. The fact that she chooses to stay with her husband instead of OP was simple that OP is not as good as her husband.

 

I mean, it's just like when you wanna upgrade your old car. You would want your new to be at least as good as the old one (if not much better) right? So, why would OP's girlfriend wanna choose someone who might be economically worse than her current husband?

 

And this doesn't make her a bad person, and there's nothing bad about choosing what's best for you. Because afterall, she doesn't owe OP anything. Yes she might have loved OP so much, but now not anymore, and that's totally normal. Don't blame her, OP. Blame yourself.

 

<snip>

 

And you basically just admitted to her that you are kind of broke...so she will weigh her options and stay married while playing with you for as long as she can. Spare yourself the pain and stop giving her the chance to play with your feelings.

Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and fix spacing

[AngryReject]

I have considered that she has been playing me as a fool. Today in the break room, she approached me and hugged me. So at least at work, she's not hiding it. I asked her how things were going. She said that it sounds like they have come to an agreement, and will be filing by the end of next week if everything goes to plan, they can file it to the court and then she can introduce me to her kids.

[BaileyB]

I have considered that she has been playing me as a fool. Today in the break room, she approached me and hugged me. So at least at work, she's not hiding it. I asked her how things were going. She said that it sounds like they have come to an agreement, and will be filing by the end of next week if everything goes to plan, they can file it to the court and then she can introduce me to her kids.

 

How old are the children and how long have they known their parents will be getting a divorce?

 

Considering that their parents are potentially filing for divorce next week, and their family is breaking apart... do you think the kids might need a little more time to process the break-up of their family and settle into their new normal before meeting mommy’s new boyfriend?

Edited January 10, 2019 by BaileyB

[brent878]

Cut this woman some slack. Divorces are messy and complicated and can rattle even the best of us.

 

Jumping to some conclusion that they are reconciling or you're being abused or some side piece is absurd. The natural reaction from people on message boards when you seek advice is almost universally:

 

1) Dump him/her

2) They're cheating

3) You're being xyz'd by so and so you shouldn't put up with it

4) some other crap they have zero evidence of

 

This is a messy situation for both of you. What else do you expect when you're both going through divorces, started as an affair etc.

 

If she's a decent woman and you are in fact in love with her, be patient, let her sort out the legalities of her divorce, and then pick it back up.

 

Or listen to all of these yahoos telling you OH SHES CHEATING YOURE GETTING SCREWED, make assumptions, and lose out on someone you say you love.

 

Your choice.

[preraph]

She's married and has kids and it was holiday time, so of course she's with family, probably hers and his both. Not a good time to date your affair partner. Stand back and see if she will get a divorce on her own power.

[olivetree]

Regardless of her reasons, I wouldn't be happy if my partner went MIA for a few days.

She could have at least checked in.

If she wants to be with you and have a trusting relationship, stuff like that shouldn't happen.

[RedHead5]

So, my first thought after being MIA for so many days was she is reconciling again. The holidays have a way of bringing family back together and the time with the kids and the father may have stirred something.

 

But then you said she came over, you went out, you had sex. If she was reconciling she wouldn't be having sex with you unless she is a very confused or bad person with no regard to anyone's feelings.

 

So I'm not so sure it's a reconciliation. However, something is off bc you just don't go a week and not speak to someone you are in love with. Like, yes. Love as a romantic partner, no.

 

She could be super stressed with the divorce and kids but she could also be having second thoughts about jumping in another relationship so quickly as well. This is something you also may want to consider for yourself.

 

There are alot of emotions to process and I just wouldn't rush things. If you love her give her time to figure it out but don't wait forever and keep your eyes open for signs it's time to move on. But if you want to try to keep her, don't let communication completely dry up but maybe give her the space to figure things out.

[Sunlight72]

I agree with those saying she is (and you have been, and are) going through A Lot emotionally.

 

To be frank, you two have a really effed up relationship already; if you think it's going to be simple and straight ahead if she ever does get a divorce, you are setting yourself up to be angry, feel cheated and lied to.

 

A divorce is a huge deal (as you must know). With children involved it is an enormous, confusing, disorienting life blow.

 

If she does get a divorce, in reality she would have little to offer for many months afterward as she absorbs and comes to live with what has happened, who she is, what she wants from life, how she will survive with her children, how best to salvage the relationship with her children's father (that relationship will last the rest of their lives through co-parenting, so you all had best make it work as well as possible), etc., etc.

 

If you think she will literally turn from her husband one week to you the next, you are in for some serious heart ache and/or anger coming up.

 

Even if she did make such a quick jump, it will mean she hasn't found herself and made a clear-headed choice after healing from the divorce. Instead it will shorten any chance of a relationship for you and her.

 

If you want to stay in this for the long term, you really need to recalibrate your time frame of expectations. Stop thinking in weeks. Start thinking in years.

 

 

...and if you want to be attractive to her during that transition, you'll do best by being rock steady, unexpecting, and fairly selfless. The need will be for comfort for her during 2019, not for you.

[AngryReject]

She has been separated from her husband for a year. She just didn't have the money to divorce. She moved into a two bedroom apartment. Her kids are 11 and 10, and my son is 12. She has a temporary order and has them four days a week.

 

I did talk to her more today. She told me that her husband is suspicious she is seeing someone and that is why she is being distant. I really love her, and after our affair ended the first time, I never forgot about her. The chemistry is amazing.

[ExpatInItaly]

She has been separated from her husband for a year. She just didn't have the money to divorce. She moved into a two bedroom apartment. Her kids are 11 and 10, and my son is 12. She has a temporary order and has them four days a week.

 

I did talk to her more today. She told me that her husband is suspicious she is seeing someone and that is why she is being distant. I really love her, and after our affair ended the first time, I never forgot about her. The chemistry is amazing.

 

Why can't she date someone after a year, OP?

 

My point is that his feelings are still taking precedence over yours.

[manfrombelow2]

When someone wants you, they would die and kill to physically be with you.

 

When someone doesn't want you, or doesn't want you ENOUGH, they would find any excuse there is in the world to justify as why they are not physically be with you.

 

I'm sorry but her excuse sounds total BS to me.

[AngryReject]

All of you make good points and a lot of what is said has circulated in my mind. There is a million reasons why she is doing what she is doing. I hope that she is only keeping me at a distance because she wants to keep things amicable with her estranged husband until the divorce is final. Maybe he suspects she has had an affair, or maybe she has had a change of heart.

 

But I do have a lot of hope. I told her before we started today that I wasn't going to be intimate with her until she officially filed for divorce. She was upset by this. So really time will tell how serious she is.

[brent878]

When someone wants you, they would die and kill to physically be with you.

 

When someone doesn't want you, or doesn't want you ENOUGH, they would find any excuse there is in the world to justify as why they are not physically be with you.

 

I'm sorry but her excuse sounds total BS to me.

 

This poster, from looking at their history, has a chip on his shoulder from some past relationship so I'd take this with a grain of salt.

 

Plenty of women I like who I would not die or kill to physically be with. And vice versa. If you're a histrionic with no patience, maybe.

[AriesDude]

This poster, from looking at their history, has a chip on his shoulder

 

and you can leave it at that. no need to flame the guy. If you dont agree with someone here you just post your own argument towards the OP and leave it at that. dont be a meany:bunny: