AngelLove Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I've been with MM for nearly 2 years now. I tried breaking it off months ago because I wanted more than secrete relationship...only to fall back into it 2 weeks later. He kept massaging me telling me how much he misses me and I was too weak to stay strong. It's like an addiction Then I got pregnant but miscarriaged at 5 weeks. At first part of me was realived because I didn't know how to tell MM and the mess it would bring. He made it clear that he didn't want to knock me up. Now that it has sunk in, I feel sad about it and wonder what could have been had the pregnancy worked out. I feel devastated even though it was early I was always on the fence about having children prior to this. But now that I lost it, all I can think is about getting pregnant. MM doesn't want that and is being more careful after my early miscarriage Now I think about my future alot. And I feel MM might be a block into me having kids. Not to meantion, I'm already 34. I don't have much time left. I feel left out when other women talk about trying for kids with their husbands etc. I feel like this was an eye opener for me to finally have the caurage leave MM. Has anyone been through the same thing?
Normm Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Do you think he cares that as long as you stay with him, as long as he can prevent it, you'll never have a child?
BaileyB Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 He made it clear that he didn't want to knock me up. MM doesn't want that and is being more careful after my early miscarriage I feel MM might be a block into me having kids. Not to meantion, I'm already 34. I don't have much time left. No, you don’t have much time left so the question is - how much more time are you going to waste on a MM who has told you in no uncertain terms that he has no interest or intention of having a child with you? Please, look at this realistically and understand that it is extremely unlikely that he will say “That’s great! You’re pregnant!! I’ll leave my wife (and possibly other children?) to raise this child with you” - not going to happen... If you want children, you had best make yourself available such that you can find a man who wants to have a child and can give you everything that you want. Your MM - he is not the one. 2
pepperbird Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 No, you don’t have much time left so the question is - how much more time are you going to waste on a MM who has told you in no uncertain terms that he has no interest or intention of having a child with you? Please, look at this realistically and understand that it is extremely unlikely that he will say “That’s great! You’re pregnant!! I’ll leave my wife (and possibly other children?) to raise this child with you” - not going to happen... If you want children, you had best make yourself available such that you can find a man who wants to have a child and can give you everything that you want. Your MM - he is not the one. op, you don't need to be with this guy to have a child. In fact, choosing him as the father will leave you heartbroken and your child out in the cold. Disabuse yourself of the idea that he would change should you actually have a child with him. In fact, it would likely drive him away, as the whole idea behind an affair is that it's fun, no real attachments and no responsibilities. A baby takes all that away. If you want to be a mom, get your life in the best place it can be. Look after your physical and mental health and rid your life of anything that could distract you from parenting. if you're not strong enough to do it on your own, let his wife in on what he's been up to. See how fast he either scuttles back to her or( if she has the strength) how quickly he goes running to you once she kicks him out. 1
BaileyB Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 You may want to read this story... https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/611869-8-5-months-pregnant-mm-no-contact-crazy-feelings 1
Author AngelLove Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 Thank you guys for your insights.. I've considered the fact that a child will further complicate things between us. I'm just in delema right now. It would be hard letting him go but at the same time feel like I will be sacrificing having children if I stay with him. My desire to be mom intensified after my early loss. I guess I'm just trying to replace my empty arms, coupled that with my age. It's a tough decision
BaileyB Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 What exactly do you want for your future Angellove? Do you have any desire to have a relationship of your own - marriage, a child, a family that you can watch grow while you grow old with your husband? If those are the things you want, the path forward should be pretty clear... your MM can not commit to you and he does not want a child. Be glad that he has been clear with you about his intentions, because with that information you can make decisions for YOUR life.
LonelyITGuy Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Thank you guys for your insights.. I've considered the fact that a child will further complicate things between us. I'm just in delema right now. It would be hard letting him go but at the same time feel like I will be sacrificing having children if I stay with him. My desire to be mom intensified after my early loss. I guess I'm just trying to replace my empty arms, coupled that with my age. It's a tough decision Are you in IC? IF not, you need to be. Right now. You're circling a giant gas can with a lighter. Take the miscarriage as a blessing. 2
Author AngelLove Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 Are you in IC? IF not, you need to be. Right now. You're circling a giant gas can with a lighter. Take the miscarriage as a blessing. What is an IC ?
ABernie Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 My 3rd pregnancy (with STBX) was a surprise to us. We were both freaked out about the thought of having another child (our marriage was OK at this point - no A). When I miscarried early, we both came around to the idea of having a third child and we tried and had DD. I'm not saying that this will happen with your AP, but it has happened for YOU. You know now that you want to have children. This is a great realization. But I think you need to think about who the father is. I don't think it sounds like AP will be a good option. Take this opportunity to be thankful you will not always be the OW/baby mother to this other family and find a partner who can be a positive father...or a sperm donor. btw - 34 is not running out of time. I had my 3rd at 37 and I went to a high risk doctor thinking that my age was an issue. He literally laughed at me and said 35 is an arbitrary number. My sister had her children at 36 and 39.
Author AngelLove Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 My 3rd pregnancy (with STBX) was a surprise to us. We were both freaked out about the thought of having another child (our marriage was OK at this point - no A). When I miscarried early, we both came around to the idea of having a third child and we tried and had DD. I'm not saying that this will happen with your AP, but it has happened for YOU. You know now that you want to have children. This is a great realization. But I think you need to think about who the father is. I don't think it sounds like AP will be a good option. Take this opportunity to be thankful you will not always be the OW/baby mother to this other family and find a partner who can be a positive father...or a sperm donor. btw - 34 is not running out of time. I had my 3rd at 37 and I went to a high risk doctor thinking that my age was an issue. He literally laughed at me and said 35 is an arbitrary number. My sister had her children at 36 and 39. Definitely, the problem is my MM doesn't want children for obvious reasons ofcourse. When we met he told me he was in a process of leaving his wife but he never followed through. At one point my period was late and he freaked out, that's when he made clear that he doesn't want to knock me up. Then accidentally got pregnant months later which didn't work. So I feel like it's just not meant to be with my MM If I don't find a man who wants the same things as me in 2 years then I will look into using a sperm donor
Abetterme Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Angel - I can’t think of anything more horrible than having to grieve this on your own, all the while knowing what MMs reaction would be Please use this as a wake up to end this toxic situation and give yourself the full life you deserve. When you make room for good things in your life, it will happen. This man will never give it to you. My best wishes! 1
BaileyB Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) Definitely, the problem is my MM doesn't want children for obvious reasons ofcourse. When we met he told me he was in a process of leaving his wife but he never followed through. At one point my period was late and he freaked out, that's when he made clear that he doesn't want to knock me up. Then accidentally got pregnant months later which didn't work. So I feel like it's just not meant to be with my MM If I don't find a man who wants the same things as me in 2 years then I will look into using a sperm donor Are you planning to end the affair? It may be hard to date if you are otherwise involved in another relationship... And, be aware - research has shown that there is an increased risk of complications and child disability for women over 35. Not to say that you can't have healthy pregnancies/children after 35, but there are increased risks. Edited January 10, 2019 by BaileyB 1
RecentChange Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Thank you guys for your insights.. I've considered the fact that a child will further complicate things between us. I'm just in delema right now. It would be hard letting him go but at the same time feel like I will be sacrificing having children if I stay with him. My desire to be mom intensified after my early loss. I guess I'm just trying to replace my empty arms, coupled that with my age. It's a tough decision If you love yourself, you will let him go. He is married, he doesn’t love you enough to be with you, otherwise he would be. He doesn’t love you enough to commit to you. He doesn’t love you enough to want to have children with you - to him that is probably a nightmare - is lying cheating ways will come to light. He wants your attention, he wants you for sex - but by his actions he shows that he does not value you for anything more. Don’t be a dirty little secret. Don’t pine for the mess that an “affair child” has to live with (that is unfair to the child - they deserve two dedicated parents). Love yourself more than your love for him. Right now you are accepting the scraps from a married man - you deserve to be the centerpiece, not the scandalous secret. You should want more, for yourself and your future children. 2
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 If you love yourself, you will let him go. This is it. Exactly.
Author AngelLove Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 (edited) Are you planning to end the affair? It may be hard to date if you are otherwise involved in another relationship... And, be aware - research has shown that there is an increased risk of complications and child disability for women over 35. Not to say that you can't have healthy pregnancies/children after 35, but there are increased risks. Yes, I've been wanting to end the affair for while now. Tried to but failed miserably. But now I feel like this event will push me in the right direction. Like you said, as long as I'm tangled up with this, I won't be emotionally available for men who are available and who can give me what an MM cant Edited January 11, 2019 by AngelLove 1
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 I wish you luck. I hope you find what you are looking for... 1
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Thank you guys for your insights.. I've considered the fact that a child will further complicate things between us. I'm just in delema right now. It would be hard letting him go but at the same time feel like I will be sacrificing having children if I stay with him. My desire to be mom intensified after my early loss. I guess I'm just trying to replace my empty arms, coupled that with my age. It's a tough decision If you want a child then you need to end it with him for good. Seek counseling to help you get strong so you can break up and end the affair once and for all. 2
Amethyst68 Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 What did you think would happen if you had not lost the baby? Would he have been supportive out would he have tried to pressurize you into getting an abortion? Do you think he would have left his current family for this new one or that when his wife found out, as she inevitably would, that she would throw him out and you would get him by default? I'm really not trying to be harsh, your MM may be being more careful now but mistakes happen, no birth control is really 100% foolproof. What will you do if this happens again? You need to think hard about what you want for your future...
Author AngelLove Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 What did you think would happen if you had not lost the baby? Would he have been supportive out would he have tried to pressurize you into getting an abortion? Do you think he would have left his current family for this new one or that when his wife found out, as she inevitably would, that she would throw him out and you would get him by default? I'm really not trying to be harsh, your MM may be being more careful now but mistakes happen, no birth control is really 100% foolproof. What will you do if this happens again? You need to think hard about what you want for your future... Thank you for your insights...I don't think he would have welcomed it because there was a point prior to this when my period was late and he totally freaked and and said he doesn't know what will do if it doesn't come. But then it turned out to be a false alarm. I was just having an off month So I already knew that he wouldn't welcome it and was afraid to tell him that I was late the month I got pregnant. Chances he would pressure me and guilt me into an arbotion. There is also a part of me that was realived because even though, I want a child, I would prefer not to deal with complications of him being a MM and upset his family in the process So I know it's blessing in disguise that it happened in my case but it still doesn't negate my grief even though it's not the best circumstances to bring a child. I feel like it was just an eye opener to what I want in life and MM is wrong man For me
pepperbird Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Thank you for your insights...I don't think he would have welcomed it because there was a point prior to this when my period was late and he totally freaked and and said he doesn't know what will do if it doesn't come. But then it turned out to be a false alarm. I was just having an off month So I already knew that he wouldn't welcome it and was afraid to tell him that I was late the month I got pregnant. Chances he would pressure me and guilt me into an arbotion. There is also a part of me that was realived because even though, I want a child, I would prefer not to deal with complications of him being a MM and upset his family in the process So I know it's blessing in disguise that it happened in my case but it still doesn't negate my grief even though it's not the best circumstances to bring a child. I feel like it was just an eye opener to what I want in life and MM is wrong man For me If you still need added impetus, think of the potential son or daughter to be. Don't you want to give them the best start possible? I wouldn't think that having a father who is married to someone besides his or her mother and who has made it clear he doesn't want a child will offer that.
Mrs._December Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 Thank you guys for your insights.. I've considered the fact that a child will further complicate things between us. I'm just in delema right now. It would be hard letting him go but at the same time feel like I will be sacrificing having children if I stay with him. My desire to be mom intensified after my early loss. I guess I'm just trying to replace my empty arms, coupled that with my age. It's a tough decision Why on EARTH would you sacrifice your last few years of fertility to some lying cheater whose a complete dead-end for you? It's pretty clear all he wants is sex from you. He doesn't want a real relationship with you, he doesn't want a baby with you, so what does that REALLY leave? Sex. I guarantee you if you continue to waste your life on this guy, you're going to wake up one morning and realize it's now too late in your life to plan for a baby. And if you choose to continue being a convenience for him for the next 5 years or so, I can also guarantee that you'll be no farther ahead in this 'relationship' than you are right now. Because it's going nowhere. You're treading water and watching your life pass right by you. PLEASE don't waste another day of it. 1
Mrs._December Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 So I know it's blessing in disguise that it happened in my case but it still doesn't negate my grief even though it's not the best circumstances to bring a child. I feel like it was just an eye opener to what I want in life and MM is wrong man For me That is 10000% correct. It was a blessing in disguise. I've read most of the horror stories of women who have had their MM's children and rarely does it EVER work out positively or have a happy ending. Leave this man and find your 'happy.'
Author AngelLove Posted January 12, 2019 Author Posted January 12, 2019 The problem also is sometimes it's hard to find a single man who wants children. Sometimes they might already have children and don't want anymore. What's your opinion on sperm donor ? That would be my last resort if I don't find a man in couple years
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