Kazmi33 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 So I was at a friends place. Hes a very dear friend to me and I enjoy drinking with him. Anyhow there was me my friend and another person I had just met that night. Long story short there was allot of drinking involved. Me my friend and this other guy were in my friends spa bath drinking. I black out and all I remember from that night is this other person touching me and rubbing me and doing other things to me and I cant remember how or why it even started. I was so drunk that I had no idea what to do or how to say stop it or no and I was coughing on the water. I froze. I have a partner that I love dearly that I have been seeing for four years and I would NEVER do anything like that to him. How do I even tell him? I called my friend today about it because I was getting flashes of memory and my anxiety levels have been through the roof. According to him he left to get drinks and this person and I were making out. I don't remember a single bar of that at all. I don't know how it even happened. I just remember sitting in the spa and then getting touched. I couldn't even tell the difference between my friend and this other person. What do I do?
AriesDude Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Not really the kind of question we could answer for you Well...whatever you decide to do pending the posts after mine, be completely honest and tell your partner what happened please. It is something you guys have to go through together.
lurker74 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 How much alcohol was involved? How much is that amount compared to a normal night of drinking? How often do you blackout from drinking? I ask this because it sounds like you MAY have been drugged. If you are sure you were not, then you have a couple of choices. Tell your partner because dishonesty can ruin a relationship. Don't tell him because it will never happen again and the hurt wouldn't serve any purpose. I would go see a counselor to discuss things because it will take a while to unpack. In the meantime, stop drinking and stop hanging out with your "dear" friend that would let that happen.
BaileyB Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I’m sorry, that sounds terrible. I would be very unhappy with my friend, because a true “friend” wouldn’t leave you alone with a man you don’t know, in a compromising and potentially vulnerable/unsafe situation when you are THAT drunk. Not to be unkind because I know you are feeling a lot of anxiety and regret right now, but you clearly need to be more careful and drink responsibly. Take care.
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 You were put in a pretty dangerous situation. The heat from the spa and alcohol is a deadly mix. You could have drowned. Secondly, this guy took advantage of a very intoxicated girl, and possible rape. Your friend should have stepped in and pulled you out of there and got you home, or safely to bed. IMO, this whole deal was inappropriate for someone that is in a relationship. Why the hell were you getting bombed with 2 guys in a hot tub? How would you like it if your BF had spent an evening doing the same thing with two girls? You would be furious. I say suck it up sister and take your lumps. Have a heartfelt conversation with your BF, and apologize for your behavior. Next dump this male friend of yours. He didn't care about you, while he gave a nod to his friend that was getting some. 3
olivetree Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 What Smackie said. You shouldn't have been in that situation in the first place. It's pretty inappropriate for a woman in a relationship. Anyway, tell your bf the truth and let the chips fall where they may. 2
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I agree with what the others allude to about your friend. He can't be that great if he sees this happening, and doesn't try to pull you aside to talk some sense about what's happening. A friend cares about your personal safety, and then cares about you risking a relationship you hold dear. He doesn't keep trying to feed you drinks to the point of blackout. I feel bad for you, because this situation sounds dangerous. Really look into your drinking habits. Why do you like drinking this much with your friend? Why do you do it to the point of blackout with him and a stranger in a spa? These types of decisions violate relationship boundaries for many if not most people. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I say be honest with your partner. Maybe it's time for a conversation about boundaries and behavior. Probably a good idea to dial back the alcohol intake. 1
basil67 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Any chance something was slipped into your drink?
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Really look into your drinking habits. Why do you like drinking this much with your friend? Why do you do it to the point of blackout with him and a stranger in a spa? These types of decisions violate relationship boundaries for many if not most people. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. Yes, OP, please listen to the above.
Andy_K Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 You have to take responsibility for your part in this. You spent the evening drinking heavily in a hot tub with two guys. That's not appropriate behaviour for a woman in a relationship. You can try to deflect responsibility to the guys involved here and say you were taken advantage of, but that doesn't change the part you played. Sometimes putting yourself into a bad situation is fault enough alone. 3
lana-banana Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 OP, how old are you? I ask because everything in your post sounds like you're extremely young (22 or younger), in which case my advice is to come clean, explain the situation, and try to make it right with your partner immediately. And talk to your "friend": anybody who doesn't intervene in a situation like that is a lousy friend. Should you be drinking til you're blackout drunk? Of course not. Should you be drinking in a spa or sauna? Never. You weren't just at risk of being assaulted, you could have died. There's a reason there are "no drinking" signs on hot tubs. The fact that you don't know this makes it really hard to believe you're old enough to know better. If you're older than 25, my advice is the same---come clean and try to make it right, talk to or ditch the "friend"---but I would have to add that you should know better, and shouldn't ever be drinking anywhere near that much. Don't you have a job? How can you even stomach that much alcohol on a regular basis? But I am highly skeptical that you're that old, because everything you described (drinking as a hobby, getting blackout drunk in a spa with a group of friends) all screams "college" to me. And it's annoying to see all these other posters being so harsh when you are probably very young and in a stage of life where making mistakes isn't just popular, it's mandatory. We all did dumb things at that age, whether they involved drinking or not. Most of us learned important lessons and moved on with our lives. I hope you will too. 2
Author Kazmi33 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) @lana-banana There was allot of drinking. A slab of beer many bottles of wine and my friends home brew vodka. My friend is polish. I dont get to see my friend that often because he lives 3 hours away from me. I am 24 and I work at a 7 eleven. My drinking habits are none of your business full stop. Maybe try helpful instead of being hurtful and putting someone down for seeing a friend. Edited January 10, 2019 by Kazmi33 forgot to add who i was replying too
Author Kazmi33 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 @lurker74 I havent seen this friend in a long time. My partner doesnt drink so I don't often drink either. I honestly only ever drink when I'm with a friend. I hate drinking alone. I tried it once and it DID not turn out pretty. The drinks I have are not often ill maybe have one if im having a meal or again if im seeing friends. Alcohol is expensive in Australia
Author Kazmi33 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 @BaileyB thankyou for your kind words. The friend is male. Apart from the horrible hangover I had the next morning, (it was so bad I coulnt move without screaming in pain) I think im going to avoid it for a while. At least at that persons house
Author Kazmi33 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 @Smackie9 my partner and I are not the jealous type at all. he points out pretty girls and I agree. Same with me pointing out hunky men. As for me getting bombed with two men first of all I had no idea that the other person was coming. Secondly just because I have male friends doesn't mean anything is going to happen. the person who did that stuff to me was a stranger. It was the first time I had met him. Helpful not hurtful.
Author Kazmi33 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) @Andy K why do you think im here? First off the friend I have known for years happens to be a dude. Just because i'm in a relationship doesn't mean I don't get to be friends with dudes. I am not a possession. and secondly the other person I had just met. I had NO IDEA that he was coming until he rocked up at my friends place. Edited January 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Kazmi33 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 @basil67 No there was just too much drinking. There was a slab of beer many bottles of wine and a home brew vodka involved. I dont ever drink that much usually. Ill maybe have a beer with friends with a meal usually
Author Kazmi33 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 @ShadeofGreen Thankyou your words are kind. I honestly only drink like that when i'm with that friend. The only other friend I used to get blitzed with has gone home back to Ireland, but even then it wasn't to the point of blackout. Some wonky walking allot of giggling and laughing at stupid **** like a possum was involved. It was a fantastic night. But she didnt get me to black out point. I don't ever drink alone and if I do have a hard night on the piss (Alcohol for people who are from different countries) I don't ever get black out drunk. I'm lucky to have a hard night drinking once or twice a year......if i'm lucky otherwise I might have one or two here and there.
Andy_K Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 @Andy K why do you think im here? First off the friend I have known for years happens to be a dude. Just because i'm in a relationship doesn't mean I don't get to be friends with dudes. I am not a possession. and secondly the other person I had just met. I had NO IDEA that he was coming until he rocked up at my friends place. Dont victim blame dude. That ****s NOT COOL. It's fine to have male friends. It's not fine to go heavily drinking with opposite sex friends in a hot tub. Don't you see the difference? Perhaps you're a victim too. But blaming someone else for your problems will neither help solve them nor prevent their reoccurence. The point here isn't blame, it's responsibility. They aren't the same thing. You can't control how other people act. You can control the situations you put yourself into, and significantly reduce the chances of being a victim. If you walk through a dangerous neighbourhood alone at night and you get mugged, you are not to blame, but are still responsible for the decision to put yourself in a position where that could happen. 3
Author Kazmi33 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 @Andy K how is going to a friends house a dangerous situation? Your still blaming me for what happened. I didnt ask to get touched. Unconscious people cant consent. Why he hell should I change my behavior just so I don't get hurt? Hows about teaching people not to do the wrong ****ing thing? And beside ITS NOT MY FRIEND WHO TOUCHED ME. IT WAS A STRANGER WHO I DIDNT KNOW. Yes i'm in a committed relationship but that doesn't mean I am a god damned possession. I am my own free being and I can drink with whoever the hell I want. If I want to drink with a male friend I damn well will.
Rockdad Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Hot tub parties are a lot of social fun and it's true the heat and alcohol can catch up with one. It's easy to lose track of time when your in there talking away and having a great time. I personally don't see a problem with her being in the tub with her good friend and who ever else. Obviously she felt comfortable to be there in the first place. It is unfortunate a black out incident happened and I do feel terrible for the OP.
preraph Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 You need to get checked for STDs and pregnancy. And then if you can't stop drinking before you reach that point of blackout, you need to stop drinking. People who blackout are called blackout drunks and blacking out, as opposed to passing out, is a sure sign of true alcoholism. You got so drunk you didn't care who you had sex with. You say you blacked out and woke up having sex, and your friend says you were making out with the guy. So I guess reporting rape isn't going to go anywhere if you were participating. And just because you blacked out doesn't mean you were passed out. It means you got so drunk you remember nothing past a certain point. You've got to get to the clinic and be sure you don't give your man something and then stop drinking if you can't limit it to two. 1
lurker74 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I don't ever drink alone and if I do have a hard night on the piss (Alcohol for people who are from different countries) I don't ever get black out drunk. If this statement is true, then you were likely drugged. And your dear friend did nothing to stop it. Maybe he didn't know until it was too late but with my female, attached friends, if they started doing this, I would step in before new dude started feeling one of them up. And I think I've changed my answer. Regardless of whether you were drugged, you were impaired too much to consent, so you've been sexually assaulted. You put yourself in a bad situation but that is not a crime; sexual assault is a crime. I would tell my partner in your situation. And honestly, your polish friend doesn't sound like a very good friend.
lurker74 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 You say you blacked out and woke up having sex, and your friend says you were making out with the guy. So I guess reporting rape isn't going to go anywhere if you were participating. . No expert in Australian law but in a lot of places in the States, her description would be considered sexual assault. 1
Art.at.Heart Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 What do I do? Do you want help on whether or not to tell your partner? I noticed a lot of the comments in here were addressing the situation you found yourself in, but the fact of the matter is that we don't know your relationship or the boundaries you and your partner have established. He may be totally cool with you getting drunk with two guys. However, I can gather from your initial post that he wouldn't be too fond of you engaging in sexual acts with another guy (most people in monogamous relationships wouldn't). For your relationship's sake, though, you have to tell him the situation. For the obvious reasons, yes, like possibly getting taken advantage of, getting touched sexually by another guy, making out with him, etc. The other important reason you should tell him is because you guys need to know if your values align. You've continuously said that you should be able to get drunk with your male friend because you are "not a god damn possession" but what if your boyfriend feels the same way that people in this thread do? Not that you're a possession, of course, but that the situation itself is something he's not comfortable with. Wouldn't you want to know that? I'm sure he would, too. 1
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