Dan.W Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Up until two months ago, I was in a relationship. It lasted four years 3 of which we lived together. We met by a common group of friends; she was just back in the country and the day after she added me on FB and we started dating. I haven’t been in a relationship for five years except for some casual sex and a few short stories, nothing worth mentioning. My previous long term relationship has been quite meaningless but lasted three years nonetheless. It all started well and went on very nicely, I am a very peculiar person, and she was with me on many aspects (very organized and tidy, private person, not many friends, and no large groups). We were having good times and good sex about 3 to 5 times a week. After one year she told me she had a two-story apartment in her parent’s house she wanted to finish and make our home. I wasn’t quite sure about it, but I let her drag me into it. I helped her complete a small attic, by working on it with her. I was a bit upset by the time I had to spend on it, but that was counterbalanced by the pride and happiness I had back by helping her and building something real together. After work was done I wanted to move with her and had a fight with my housemate which also happened to be my best friend at the was mad I was suddenly leaving. It took us three months to find him another mate with me having to pressure him. He never forgave me this, but I was surprised he wasn’t happy for me on the other hand. So we split and never met again. After we started living together, we had less sex, but we kept it about once per week. We had a lot of shared moments, holidays and we were attending some social gatherings although none of us had many friends as I said above. I loved our relationship, although it was a bit cautious due to my personality. We managed to agree on many things I wouldn’t dare normally asking such as splitting all expenses in half (all of them even the tiny ones), having experiences as gifts instead of things for our birthdays, etc. We both loved nature, hiking, biking, skiing, traveling on little money to have two vacations instead of just one, camping, we didn’t like noisy places and large crowds. It all seemed perfect and reassuring. Then came the big rest-of-the-house project. We worked for one whole year on choosing the furniture, complements, kitchen, floors, etc. This was significant stress for me, but I had the feeling I had to tackle it since it would have been stupid to throw away all we had when we were preparing our future home. I was feeling little left aside since the house was hers and she had more taste and experienced with household design and choices. I had my share in some decisions, but overall it was her who made the final call. During this time I experienced some work-related issues which later would lead me to switch company. We were still doing our things and vacations, but I was feeling overwhelmed and sometimes I felt I wasn’t doing enough or couldn’t be as good as the situation required. From there on the sex between us became more scarce, mainly because she took ages to come and wanted to finish always in the same position. So when evening came my stress plus the performance anxiety involved made me avoid sex unless I felt capable of making her come. I tried telling her so, but she told me she didn’t like it as much when she couldn’t climax, and this meant I was afraid to engage in intimacy since she would always try to drag me to sex and sometimes I just wanted to cuddle. I know it might sound weird because it is usually the opposite but she wanted to have sex very often, and this led me to a lower libido because I knew I could have her whenever I wanted. Fast forward. One year later and we are quite apart sexually. We still enjoy each other, but sex has become a one time per month thing. She bought a new bike to come with me on my rides and got involved. She even went to a specific course to get better. I managed to change the company and still needed to adapt, but the new colleagues were excellent. She came to me saying she wanted to rent our attic in Airbnb which I didn’t want to do because of all the work involved. I just wanted to enjoy what we had with her before going ahead with other projects. We both worked, had a giant house and no need for extra money. She starts going to the pool, and after a few weeks she suddenly breaks up with me for another person. I discovered this after a week of us both crying at home after she tells me she doesn’t know what she feels for me. I had met him a couple of weeks before at a dinner at our place. After a week, while moving my stuff to my parent’s house, I discover she had sex with him at home, which in turn means she probably introduced him to her parents who live in the same house at the ground floor. I was destroyed by this, and my self-esteem plummeted to the ground. Not only that he was with her, but I had the feeling he was better, taller, nicer, had more friends than me. Now that the thing is over I still struggle to get started again. I try to focus on working, cycling and making new connections. Due to my personality, the latter is very hard, I do have some close friends, but they are not enough to fill the gap in daily life that has been left by this person. We had a great connection, shared a sense of humor and liked doing a lot of things that I have no way to do right now. Worst of all I have never been very successful in relationships, mainly because I am not interested in most women. To me sex requires some intellectual connection otherwise I get bored quite quickly. It is more of a celebration of well being rather than a good thing per se. I am 30, and most girls are taken. I am seriously worried I might end up alone and are quite scared by this scenario, but on the other hand, I understand there is no point being with someone just for the sake of it. I feel lost in life as if I have no purpose. I had a life plan before and knew what to do next, but now I feel stuck without somebody to share a project with me. I’m trying to go ahead with what I know is good for me, but instead of getting more comfortable over time it almost seems harder day by day. Thank you for taking the time to read this through, I needed to get it all out from top to bottom and in some way it helped. I’d like to hear your experiences and insight as well if you have any.
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Adjust your mindset. You are successful at relationships, you are at least capable of a relationship. You had one with her. That means you can find another one. Because you are selective it might take longer but it will happen.
avriltreize Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Sorry to hear about your break up. I am going through one right now and joined this forum to help me. Instead of looking at all the do's and don'ts I just started writing about it and I do feel a little better, not a lot, but a little and right now a little is better than none. I was with my bf for over 10yrs and then less than a week ago he wanted to end it. If you want to read my story please do. But I want to talk about before the 10yrs. Before this last relationship I was with someone for 4yrs and we got married. I look back now and should have realized it was a mistake but just got caught up in the whole 'wedding' idea. It lasted less than a year and I was truly a mess. I didn't want to do anything but I knew if I didn't keep busy and kept distracting myself it wasn't going to get any better. Thankfully I had very supportive friends and family to see me through it. But I will say, if you need to be sad, be sad. And every time the sad time will be less and less.
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