Xiphias92 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I have been dating this girl for almost 3 years now and she has hardly made an effort to see me. She says it's because of the way she has been raised that the guy has to make the effort to go see her and spend time with her and that she should go see me only once a month. And even if we compromise, she changes her mind and goes back to how she was raised. Now mind you, we live almost 20miles apart and even in broad daylight she won't come see me. We've had several arguments about this topic and it usually results into her saying that if I cannot agree, then we should break up (kinda like 'my way or the highway'). To top that off, she once admitted that she took advantage of me coming to see her since she believed that "i would always be there" and made me more of an option. While I have tried to show her that I cant compromise due to fear of her taking advantage of me again, she brushes it off like she never admitted that. What can i do to have a compromise?
MaleIntuition Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Sounds like she is walking all over you. Time to reconsider if this is worth it? Don’t buy the “I was raised like this” argument; it’s her choice. 1
PegNosePete Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I have been dating this girl for almost 3 years now and she has hardly made an effort to see me. The rest of your post is quite unnecessary, since this is a clear sign that the relationship is going nowhere! It is my belief that after the initial stages where the guy is expected to put in most of the effort, a relationship should be 50/50, and if one party (whether male or female) is not doing their share then it's time to end it. If I were you I would have broken up with her long ago. Why on earth would you date someone for 3 years under these circumstances? After 3 years you should certainly be looking to make the next step, whether that is living together or marriage. If the relationship is not heading in that direction then you have to ask, where is it going? Are you happy to carry on like this forever? If not then you might as well cut your losses, because she's made it perfectly clear that it is never going to change. 1
lurker74 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Wipe the foot prints off of your face and move on. When you do, you may be surprised by her pursuing you. Don't fall for it. It's called push pull. Now, since that response was completely non-responsive, the only thing you could do is not give up ground. Tell her you will come see her 2 times for every time she sees you and stick to your guns. But after 3 years, man, what is it that you want? You should no longer be pursuing her, you should be in a relationship, so her old fashioned upbringing has nothing to do with it (unless she's using it as pressure to propose). 1
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 She has to want to compromise for things to change & she does not want to change. She likes that she has you on the end of a string & you come when she pulls the string. After 3 years you have to face the fact that it won't change. So either deal with it or walk.
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 You had 3 years to figure out she's not going to change, ...so there you have it. You two are not compatible. Makes more sense to find a new GF. 1
Malin889 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Wow, I can see if this was happening after 3 months, but 3 years? What keeps you holding on? 2
Author Xiphias92 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 Alright so for those who ask, When we started dating, she first brought it up about how she was and I thought "okay that's different, but that's pretty cool" so I gave it a try on her way for about a year and a half. I guess I hold on because we have good times and memories but even at the slightest mention of me asking her to come visit me l, it turns into an argument or either "if you dont like it, you can leave" or "you're the guy". I agree with the replies, it wasn't gonna change. I shoulda seen it from a year in 1
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Alright so for those who ask, When we started dating, she first brought it up about how she was and I thought "okay that's different, but that's pretty cool" so I gave it a try on her way for about a year and a half. I guess I hold on because we have good times and memories but even at the slightest mention of me asking her to come visit me l, it turns into an argument or either "if you dont like it, you can leave" or "you're the guy". I agree with the replies, it wasn't gonna change. I shoulda seen it from a year in At least you tried to adapt, and you know it doesn't work for you. Both your expectations for a partner are different. She doesn't want to budge on hers, and you clearly want someone who puts in more effort. I can't see this being worth it especially with her actually saying that she took advantage of you. 2
Hopeful30 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 This isn't about old-fashioned. I'm old-fashioned and I put effort into my relationships. Though I understand that a man should chase, when you're already in a relationship for 3 years, it's 50/50 buddy. I'm not talking about gender roles or who does what. I'm talking about each puts in effort to pull the relationship wherever they can. Sounds to me like she's in it because it's convenient and easy. This isn't about compromise, this is about her not caring. If she cared, it wouldn't be a compromise, it would be a pleasure to see you. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I don't wish to be mean about this but I don't think there's an "easier" way to say it -- she's not old-fashioned -- You're, perhaps, a little gullible. It's a load of crap . . . old-fashioned and part of upbringing -- my a*s. She's taking advantage of you. Are there other ways in which she is manipulative? Even if she's not, expecting you to go out of your way all the time just because you're the man, is unreasonable, selfish and controlling. End this now. 1
MetallicHue Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 For 3 years seems kind of ridiculous for this to be going on... Tell her if she’s unwilling to be flexible time to move on. I know people take time but where do you see this & what are you trying to do? How do you really feel about her otherwise and how do you get along? Just some other things to think about as well.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 She is hiding behind being old fashioned. She sounds extremely lazy. My belief is that both people need to make an effort, not just the guy. Even if she was raised that way, why do you want someone like that? I'd cut my losses and move on, there doesn't seem to be anything in the relationship for you. 2
basil67 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I don’t think she’s old fashioned. I think she’s a princess and loves having you at her beck and call. You can do better. 1
RecentChange Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 3 years is a long time. Are you two planning on marriage? Do you want a wife who doesn’t compromise or put in effort, and instead expects you to do the heavy lifting in the relationship?
Elpida. Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I'm old fashioned in the sense that I prefer the guy to make the first move and take the lead sometimes, BUT if I am interested in a guy I make that very, very clear and will not hesitate to suggest plans with him or reach out first. If I liked someone I definitely wouldn't make him feel as though he was waiting around on the backburner. Explore other options, see if she comes to you.
preraph Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 If she's only seeing you once a month, that's not a girlfriend. She doesn't really care if she sees you or not and probably has other options. I just think you should pull the plug. Not because she won't come 20 miles but because she doesn't CARE.
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