Sharing some things that ACTUALLY worked in my breakup

[bitzy61]

I will spare you from the story of my breakup. All you need to know is that my partner and I were in a serious committed relationship of many years. We were comfortable with each others families/shared a dog/had moved in....the whole shebang! But.....we weren't meant to be and this year we went through a devastating breakup. DEVASTATING.

I wanted to find somewhere to post about the things that ACTUALLY HELPED me get through this trial. Maybe they will help you too. I really hope they do. Here goes:

 

1. "Your Partner is not gone, they are just orbiting." This one came from my sister. Its the kind of advice that states the obvious, but you never would have thought of yourself. A breakup is not the end of that persons existence. Losing them romantically will hurt- but they are not gone out of this world forever! Sometimes though, a break up can feel like someone will hate you forever, and you're losing them without any undo button. No! it is your RELATIONSHIP not your PARTNER that is gone. Eventually, you may even get them back as a friend.

 

2. "It takes two for a breakup to happen" This one really gets me in the feels. I was the one that initiated my breakup, and the guilt was a real factor in why I didn't leave sooner. I was wishy washey for so long. You will find plenty of advice on why you shouldn't feel guilty for ending something, but this quote was the only one that actually helped me. This breakup is not 100% you and its not 100% them. It takes two.

 

 

3. "Of course the breakup hurts, that's all you've known for # of years" This one was also blatantly obvious, yet I would never would have thought of on my own. Part of a breakups power is that is forces you to rethink how you've allowed yourself to use your partner as a safety net- and now that net is gone. But this quote makes that safety net more tangible. It puts a number value on how you've changed because of that persons influence.

 

 

4. "If you could do it all over again, you probably wouldn't change much" THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE. One of the toughest parts of a breakup is thinking that the past years and energy and moving have all amounted to nothing. But hypothetically speaking, you started to date someone for a reason, and so you need to forgive yourself for letting yourself fall in love, because most likely, with the information you've had at the time, youd do it all over again given a reset button. Don't blame yourself: you REALLY DID THINK it would work out, youre not an idiot.

 

 

5. "If you woke up tomorrow and did not need to go through the actual 'breakup moment' would you actively seek out a relationship with this person?" Seriously consider this one. For me, I seriously dreaded doing the actual break up moment. I Had to consider the benefit of being on the opposite side of that moment, to see its value. And when you finally do breakup, keep it short. hug them. and leave. go cry, don't cry together.

 

 

6. MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL!!!!!! *CRY YOUR HEART OUT*

 

I cant stress this last one enough. At first, I went through two whole days of feeling like absolute garbage. I had broken my own heart, I had broken his heart, I felt like life had played a dirty trick on me by making me fall in love with him just to have us fail. And you know the only thing that helped? crying like a baby. crying and crying and crying. being loud. wailing. the whole nine yards of crying. I allowed myself to break down and cry whenever I wanted. In the car, at work, at home, secretly, loudly.

 

Do you want to know something about crying? When people say this, "Let all those emotions out" THEY ARENT KIDDING. Crying makes you feel like you've fully felt an emotion, not just get stung by how bad that emotion hurts. Crying turns emotions into a passing wave. The pain comes, you cry about it for however long it feels right, and then.....like magic.....it had subsided. Will it return? Yes probably, but this time itll be a little less.

 

 

I cant express this enough......Please cry your broken heart out. let it happen. its natural to feel pain. and when you feel pain you should cry. its what humans do to cope. Please at least try it. You break down, and then like magic, after a few minutes, you kind of get bored of being so upset, you wipe your eyes off.....and you're somehow a tiny bit better.

 

 

 

*I also found it very very helpful to seek out advice from other strangers on loveshack.org. post your story instead of just reading other peoples stories. Sometimes even just typing it out can be cathartic in its own right.....but getting helpful feedback, its everything. and it may even make you cry! which we now know is a good thing.*

[preraph]

Great post. We all need that wisdom and food for thought. The one that I would add, is that love came from inside you and you get to take it with you when you leave.

[gcp]

I'll add one that helped me, this is aimed more at the dumpee's out there.

 

They may have fallen out of love with you or their feelings changed but remind yourself that you had something that attracted them initially, you had something special that they thought they wanted at one time or another, and that is still there.

 

When your self esteem is down remember, you attracted them, and you will attract someone more suitable for you.

[RedRecluse]

Wow. This was really helpful. I hadn't really done the breakdown crying thing until recently and it really has helped me feel like I'm dealing with things instead of ignoring them.

 

 

Excellent advice. You're a good human.

[manfrombelow2]

Great post. I feel enlightened. Thank you OP.