dsprimal Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 Hi all, Totally off topic from my prior posts. But in all honesty once having a clear mind and fully emotionally separated from an ex girlfriend. When is it OK to reach out just to say hello and hope they are doing well? My ex is in a new relationship and has moved away and is also in a band pursuing her love for music. I am honestly really happy for her because I kept trying to tell her that she has so much potential and to see it all blossoming truly makes me happy. Last we spoke I feel like we were both on mutual terms knowing that we had love for one another but we clearly weren't good for each other. Granted the relationship overall was pretty toxic but we both had/have A LOT of working to do for both of us in order for that relationship to have worked. What do you think is a good approach to this? Honestly have no motive in trying to get back with her, just want to send a floater text out there to hope all is well. We broke up close to 1.5 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 unless you have kids together there is absolutely no reason to reach out to an ex 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dsprimal Posted January 8, 2019 Author Share Posted January 8, 2019 To further the reasoning on why I feel the need to reach out is because I have also been listening to a lot of music that she has opened my eyes up to over the past year, which is awesome. Overall she has given growth to me in ways that I truly appreciate. This is something she told me post break up. That although she was hurt, she knows she put a positive effect on me for the long term. Link to post Share on other sites
Geraltt Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 Frankly, I don't see an up-side to reaching out to her. What are your intentions here? I'm sure they're not to get back together again... so is there something within yourself that's requiring some sort of validation from her? I could be wrong... The one-and-only time I reached out to an ex was when my father died and I thought it was appropriate to let her know. The entire interaction took place over email, and both my mother and myself got a very nice and thoughtful sympathy card. That was almost six years ago and we have not been in contact since. Another ex of mine reached out to me when her mother was ill and died - this is last summer - and we had a nice conversation, shared some happy memories of us and her mom, and that was that. I did have another ex reach out to me over the most recent xmas holidays but I haven't responded and have no desire to. Like alphamale said, I think that unless there are kids involved or there are some extenuating circumstances, I really don't see an up-side to reaching out again. It's awfully hard to move forward when you're constantly looking in the rear-view mirror. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 You say it's not to try to get the relationship going again, but yet you talked about the relationship quite a bit, so I think you'd like to rekindle it if you're honest with yourself. Sounds like she's totally moved on and she sounds pretty mature judging by what you said, so I think she knows what she's doing and can't be swayed. That said, I go see any and all ex-bf's bands if I feel like it. But I don't necessarily TALK to them, especially if they are in a committed relationship with a woman, which I'd say most would be. I may like their music while simultaneously not wanting to get anything started.. . Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 In general I am not in contact with most exes, but I am with a couple that were important. A long time had to pass until I felt ready to be friends again. I am in contact mostly with my college boyfriend, we live in different countries but send a few emails per year to check out on each other. It's very friendly and pleasant. He initiated it, and he always been friendly and kind and just showed how important I am to him as a person. He started contact after about 3ish years that we last had our last conflict / trying to get back together. I think it's totally fine if you're both over each other and only good feelings remain. Send an email and be friendly checking out on her and her life, but also don't talk about anything that might hint at something romantic so she doesn't freak out. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 After reading this thread you posted about the same thing in September, https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/663974-should-i-reach-out-ex-after-1-year, and the fact that you cheated on her, I have to strongly advise you against reaching out. I don't buy that you don't have an ulterior motive in contacting her. This is over. She has moved on. Leave her be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 If your only motive really is just to give her props for moving on, find the social media for her band & publicly post something like So glad to see you finally got a band together! Knock 'em dead. Can't wait to buy your first song when it comes out! I am so proud of you. Best wishes. use your own words. Say something empowering but do it transparently & keep it about her future not your shared past. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 In general I am not in contact with most exes, but I am with a couple that were important. A long time had to pass until I felt ready to be friends again. I am in contact mostly with my college boyfriend, we live in different countries but send a few emails per year to check out on each other. It's very friendly and pleasant. He initiated it, and he always been friendly and kind and just showed how important I am to him as a person. He started contact after about 3ish years that we last had our last conflict / trying to get back together. I think it's totally fine if you're both over each other and only good feelings remain. Send an email and be friendly checking out on her and her life, but also don't talk about anything that might hint at something romantic so she doesn't freak out. i'll bet you $100 that you broke up with him and that he is still pining for you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dsprimal Posted January 8, 2019 Author Share Posted January 8, 2019 If your only motive really is just to give her props for moving on, find the social media for her band & publicly post something like So glad to see you finally got a band together! Knock 'em dead. Can't wait to buy your first song when it comes out! I am so proud of you. Best wishes. use your own words. Say something empowering but do it transparently & keep it about her future not your shared past. I like this approach, great idea! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 You cheated on her and you want to tell how much growth she has given YOU. Well, bully for you! Oh dear... Leave her alone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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