avriltreize Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 It's only been 3 days since my bf after 10+ yrs decided he was no longer in love with me and I'm a wreck. I started looking up how to deal with a break up and the do's and don't's but someone suggested trying a forum like this to help. I guess I'm just trying to understand it all so if anyone reads this and has some insight or anything I'd be so grateful. We met in our 30's and I was his first serious relationship. I had been in a couple and even was married for a short time. We never moved in together but I was there more than my own place. We talked about marriage and though it wasn't for him I was fine just being together. He was a very stubborn man, always had trouble opening up, but he would tell me he loved me and I know he cared for me a lot. I'm just trying to figure out where it all went wrong for him. He started crying and I didn't know what was wrong. Finally he told me I was his best friend and loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me anymore. I literally went into shock. I started crying and couldn't stop. He tried to explain that there were 'things' but couldn't be specific. I know he felt horrible as we saw each other over the next couple days where he just held me while I cried more. And now it's even harder as just a couple weeks ago he ordered parts to fix something for me at my house and a couple other planned things that require the two of us. He said he'd still do the fix and the other thing but wouldn't he just want to be done with me? Is he just being nice? Is he hurting as much as I do? What does it mean? He's still told me he loves me which just completely throws me off. If anyone has any thoughts or questions or I dont know....anything I'm just a mess trying to do work but not.
Twizzlestick Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) Hi welcome! I’m new here too. I’ve some real similarities to you but I’m so sorry I’ve no real answers just my thoughts I’ve been dumped, 11 years rele. Ex fell “out of love”. Seems absolutely obsessed with keeping contact, friends etc. But I’m not having it, maybe years later. It’s romance or nothing for the time being until I’m over (if I’m over ) If your ex is anything like mine I think there’s a huge bit of them that can’t let go of something fundamental. They made the break by dialling in on negatives. Now the decision has been made, it comes with consequences your ex couldn’t have felt as he wasn’t in that position when he made the decision. One can only imagine what it “feels like”. Ending a serious coupling, you will loose some positives too, likely overlooked when doing their focussing, My old man is a wise old vicar. He said these days folk tend to bail when they think “romance is dead”. Something missing etc. When actually there aren’t many 80 year olds around who will prob tell you they were in love constantly. The ironic thing is any old two sods can hook up in a hail of flowers, sex and meals and find intoxicating romantic limerance. What most folk strive for is that solid fundamental companionship, an actual friendship that forms the foundation that last through sickness, illness, the highs and lows. The boring bit. But the bit that’s what love is. It’s why Pre wedding counselling emphaises this. Unfortunately if feelings drop often times folk zero in, go introspective and it only gets worse. Instead of taking about working on it. I’ve fallen out of love with my ex before. I worked on it though. Some people (my ex) get the old GIGs and off they trot. But if he’s been feeling like this a while, he’s prob bailed after this heavy introspection. But I bet my bottom dollar what he’s having a hard time letting go of is the underlying companionship. I can’t give any wisdom from from any ivory tower as I’ve done some many wrong things regarding leaving my ex be when I should have. I’m just as blindsided as you. But I really think to stand any remote chance of both getting them back and more importantly moving on we have to exit stage left. Don’t accept friendship. Edited January 8, 2019 by Twizzlestick 2
Katie357 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) Hi, I have similarities too! I am almost 9 week into our break up. We were together 15 years, only got married July 18 and split November 18 with him using the same reason " he loved me but was no longer in love with me". I was utterly heartbroken in shock. His reason was a few week after the wedding had died down we had a rocky period of arguing and bickering (no worse than any other arguing period in our 15 years together and just put it down to the come down of the wedding). However, he said it left him feeling flat and confused about his feelings towards me. Tried a break at first of 3 weeks but he said he hasn't changed the fact he felt he didn't love me anymore so it became permanent. It's difficult to do NC as we have two daughters- 11 and 8 so with it being so close to Christmas and our daughters birthday 10 days after Xmas, we did things as normal together as a family. It was very difficult as it felt completely fake and I just could not get over how unaffected he seems by it all. He seems like the last 15 years meant nothing to him and that hurts. But I keep telling myself things happen for a reason. As difficult as this is now, I believe that there is a reason I am going through this and better things are to come. Totally feel your pain and I find talking to people going through the same as you helps so here if you need a chat x Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 1
Author avriltreize Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 Thank you for reaching out and responding. I think I'm missing the 'calm' conversation. Even though we saw each other the next 2 days it was really just a cry-fest for me with his arms around me. We didn't talk about the what or when or how. I feel like I need to have an adult talk with him so he can tell me the specifics of his decision and I can either agree or make an argument against them. Another struggle I have is the fact he's never been in a serious relationship before. He doesn't have any experience or reference. He's not one to open up to friends or family either so he's basically winging it. I told him there aren't any 'rules' to a break up per se but if the 2 people are still amicable and care about each other there should be some courtesies given. Did that make sense? He is away on business now and when he returns we're supposed to get together and figure out getting my things from his place and all those pieces you take care of after a break up. Not looking forward to it but it has to be done.
Author avriltreize Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 Thanks for responding. I'm so sorry to hear about your break up too. I'm not going to lie but since it's only been a few days I can't help but hope or wish he's realizing what a huge mistake he's making. Or at least after I've gotten over the shock I can talk to him about 'what happened' and maybe try and work it out. I also am not being optimistic being in relationships before, doing the breaking up myself. We come to these decisions not lightly (or at least we shouldn't be). I could see how hard it was for him to even tell me he wanted to break up but now that he has, I dont know. He seems to feel bad for me now. He keeps saying things like, it's understandable and we can worry about that later. Like he's going to give me all the time in the world to get over him and be completely out of his life? I asked him what will he do without me? He said, probably be a hermit for 6 months. Does that means he needs time to get over me? Maybe I shouldn't have posted so soon? But I was going mad.
Katie357 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 At least he is showing you that there is some care there still. My ex went cold and distant almost immediately. Like the last 15 years have gone over his head. Not once has he asked how I am in all of this. Feels like a stranger to me.. That's why I feel there is more to it than he is telling me. Has your ex not explained what he thinks it is that bad made his feelings go?
bathtub-row Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I think the whole concept of staying in love with a person after 10+ years together is somewhat immature. I’m sure it happens that some people feel that way year after year but I really think it’s uncommon and unrealistic. If that’s a person’s yardstick for staying in a relationship or not, they’re basically doomed to never sticking around. Not sure what to tell you. He still loves you in the sense of caring deeply for you but I think he’s looking for something else, or has already found someone else. It’s possible that he has never been content with the relationship and is just now taking steps to extract himself from it. I’m sure he’s sad but make no mistake that he wants out. Tears or no tears, he’s dead serious about walking away. If I were you, I’d stop all the interactions with him, tell him you’ll handle the repairs yourself and push him out the door since that’s what he wants so badly. If anything will wake him up, it’ll be realizing that he has lost you. If it doesn’t have that effect, then he was set on leaving anyway. Rest assured that there are things he’s not telling you - it may have to do with you or someone else but he has decided that your relationship can’t be fixed. It’s up to you to decide if you want to continue letting him stay on the fringes of your life. 2
Katie357 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) I think the whole concept of staying in love with a person after 10+ years together is somewhat immature. I’m sure it happens that some people feel that way year after year but I really think it’s uncommon and unrealistic. If that’s a person’s yardstick for staying in a relationship or not, they’re basically doomed to never sticking around. Not sure what to tell you. He still loves you in the sense of caring deeply for you but I think he’s looking for something else, or has already found someone else. It’s possible that he has never been content with the relationship and is just now taking steps to extract himself from it. <snip> Totally makes sense to what I am thinking in terms of my situation too and am accepting that I don't no the full story. We have to stay in contact for the kids but I have asked for minimal contact to help myself in this process to moving on. As bathtub row has said, stop all interactions and try your best to move on with your life as best as possible. Find what makes you happy for yourself.. if a person is meant to be in your life, they will find a way to be but don't go chasing that person if they are choosing to walk away. I for certain am not. X Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Author avriltreize Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 I am glad he is being so considerate of my feelings and understands how hard this is. One thing he said was how sorry he was to do this to me. I told him I need to 'ween' him off slowly and that the hardest day will be when I give him back the key to his place. He said we will figure all that out. So I know he still cares. I'm sure you might be wondering if there is something or someone else since he is being so nice (and may be feeling guilty) but I can say with 100% certainty that we never lie to each other. And I did ask if there was someone else and he said there wasn't. But to answer your question no he has not said specifically why he's no longer 'in love' with me. He said he couldn't put it into words. I admit I was a mess during the conversation so I either wouldn't have comprehended anything he said or remember. That's why I think we still need to have a 'calm' talk to go over those things. He may be completely honest with me but opening up is not his forte. And if he says he can't really explain it, then he's having a hard time with it too. Again I'm not going to hopeful but I'll still hope. I'm sorry your break up has been tough. Even if he just wants it to be over, after 15yrs I think you deserve a little more respect and thoughtfulness. I was married once and to be honest I should have never gotten married after 4yrs together but I think I got caught up in the whole 'wedding' thing. I left after 8 months. It was hard for my ex husb and he would call me constantly, ask me to come over just to talk. And to a certain point I did what I could. And slowly I would tell him I couldn't talk or come by anymore. I even helped with the mortgage for a time. After some time we became friends, still getting together for birthdays and holidays (just to exchange presents or get something to eat) just as friends. Then he met someone else and now I hear from him now and then.
Katie357 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) Yes, deffo worth having the 'calm' talk especially if you were drunk and may have processed some of the things that may have been said incorrectly. I did get a sorry at first when the conversation was had about trying a break first and I too had asked if there was someone else involved as it just didn't make sense to me how you can say you didn't feel that way and you still had feelings when we got married just 4 months earlier but he too denied any involvement of anyone else. However, his behaviour even when it was just the break to begin with before It became permanent was a shock to my system with how cold and distant he went from the get go and it made me feel as if he had turned into a stranger. Then when it became permanent there has been a bit of crap being slung my way from him which I find hard to accept as he is the one who has walked away from the family and left a 15 yr relationship without any effort (certainly how it feels). I am a bit further into the breakup than you and I will reassure you that the days are getting better. I am not saying I am over it, if anything I know I am a long way off from getting over it but I am trying my best to look forward now and take what has happened to me, move on from it and learn from it too. I hope you can get to this point too. My advice would be to keep talking to people, I find it helps millions! Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Author avriltreize Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) I think the whole concept of staying in love with a person after 10+ years together is somewhat immature. I’m sure it happens that some people feel that way year after year but I really think it’s uncommon and unrealistic. If that’s a person’s yardstick for staying in a relationship or not, they’re basically doomed to never sticking around.<snip> Thank you for your response. I am lucky in regards to how he's giving me this time versus telling me he wants out and then showing me all my things already in a box to carry out. It might not be the healthiest thing for me but I dont care about healthy at this moment. I'm really still in shock and need to have that 'calm' conversation with him as adults to hear what he has to say. I know I'll get through it though. Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
basil67 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I feel like I need to have an adult talk with him so he can tell me the specifics of his decision and I can either agree or make an argument against them. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. Unfortunately, he may not be able to give you specifics. Sometimes it's only time and retrospection which can give us the clarity of being able to break down the reason why. Also, the risk of a partner making an argument against our decision is frequently why people don't offer a reason. Thing is, his thoughts are his thoughts and you really don't get a say in whether those thoughts are right or wrong. Unfortunately, the only part of a relationship where a unilateral decision is acceptable is the end. Stay strong. 1
bathtub-row Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Thank you for your response. I am lucky in regards to how he's giving me this time versus telling me he wants out and then showing me all my things already in a box to carry out. It might not be the healthiest thing for me but I dont care about healthy at this moment. I'm really still in shock and need to have that 'calm' conversation with him as adults to hear what he has to say. I know I'll get through it though. I get that and you should do what works best for you. Ten years is a long time. My point is, he’s not telling you everything that’s wrong for him in the relationship. A person doesn’t make the decision he has made without something that’s been boiling in him for some time. I have an expression that I have found to be true from my own experience and observation: You don’t know someone until you marry them, but you don’t REALLY know them until you divorce them. 2
Author avriltreize Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 (edited) I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. Unfortunately, he may not be able to give you specifics. Sometimes it's only time and retrospection which can give us the clarity of being able to break down the reason why.<snip> Thanks Basil. Going to try and be strong as best I can. <snip> I have an expression that I have found to be true from my own experience and observation: You don’t know someone until you marry them, but you don’t REALLY know them until you divorce them. Good expression! Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge and truncate quotes
manfrombelow2 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 When someone tells us they want to walk away, the BEST THING we can do at the moment is letting them do that. Which means. No Contact. Yes, that's the best formula.
Author avriltreize Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 When someone tells us they want to walk away, the BEST THING we can do at the moment is letting them do that. Which means. No Contact. Yes, that's the best formula. Thanks for responding. All break ups are different and there are no rules to follow,I suppose that's why they are so hard, no guidelines and people just 'winging it'. When we broke up I was in shock and blurted out many things. When I mentioned the fix he was doing he said he'd still do it, I didn't ask if he would. And then the other thing we had planned he also spoke up that he would do that as well. He is a good, honest and caring man. And I know having to break up was the hardest thing for him to do but I also know he had to do it. Things are a little better a few more days in but only a little.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) This is where you're wrong. All breakups are THE SAME. The reason is always one of the two parties fall out of love with the other one. That's the ugly truth about breakups: It's either our partners stop loving us, or we stop loving them. Good luck with the healing. Thanks for responding. All break ups are different and there are no rules to follow,I suppose that's why they are so hard, no guidelines and people just 'winging it'. <snip> Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
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