Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 I saw her last night. She cane over to my place, I made her and I Dinner and she stayed the night. When she first came over everything was fine. The phone issue didn’t come up and I thought everything was over and we were back on track. Then, she started telling me (as though she wanted to have a conversation about this) that she thought I was perhaps in an “abusive” relationship previously. She said I was too quick to apologize for things and that I seemed almost on edge about making sure she was happy and content. I told her I didn’t feel on edge (because I don’t) and any effort I’ve made to peobide assurance to her about something or apologize about something was really just to make sure she was ok. Which is completely true. I felt it was weird that she brought this up and also the way she brought it up. It was almost as if she wanted there to be an argument. When I answered her statement with my explanation (just that I was always thinking of her happiness) she acted sort of passive aggressive about it and said “ok” in a way with body language that was communicating she wasn’t ok. Does that make sense? So, that left me feeling like things weren’t ok and again I was asking her what the problem was. Finally, I pointed out that she seemed like she was self sabatoging the relationship in her own head as things got better and better or more serious. She opened up to this remark and agreed that she felt she was doing that too. So, I asked her what I can do to help. I asked if she wanted some space. She insisted she didn’t want space and that she was ok and was working through it. She admitted it was something she does (has done in the past). I continued to assure her it’s ok and that I’m here to help. We told each other how important we are to one another and then fell asleep. This morning before I left for work she asked me if everything was ok between us. I told her of course it was. The. I told her I’d see her tonight and that everything was great and not to worry at all about anything. What should I do? I’m lost
Happy Lemming Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Here is a thought out of "left field"... In my youth, if I was dating a woman that turned out to be a "nut job" (and I wanted out of the relationship), I would do minor little things to irritate her and lay the ground work for her to breakup with me. I figured I could easier slither out of this quagmire, if it was her idea to break up with me. Most of the time, it worked great. Why is this woman bringing up this topic, yet again? Why is she beating a dead horse? Does she want you to break up with her? I'm scratching my head on this one.
Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 I don’t know if that’s the case or not. She tells me she loves me and and last Friday she told me, unsolicited, that she wanted to be with me forever. She said she loved me and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me (this past Friday). Why would she say that if she wanted me to break up with her?
Art_Critic Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I would start by looking into the reaction... Is there anything in your phone that she shouldn't have seen ? If there was then there might be your answer to whether or not she snooped. As far as what to do, NOTHING...and don't bring it up anymore.. you have apologized and doing more at this point is over compensation. If she brings it up, speak to what she is asking ... Time will normally fix these types of issues but it is important that you first talk them out like you already did.. Good Luck
Geraltt Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 She said I was too quick to apologize for things ...Yep, thought so. Putting the details of this particular episode aside for a moment, that may be worth looking at within yourself. Finally, I pointed out that she seemed like she was self sabatoging the relationship in her own head as things got better and better or more serious.. She's admitted she's done things like this in the past - the snooping, the accusations, etc etc. It's a poop-test (not actually "poop" but if using the real term gets the word blanked out here), to see if you will stand up for yourself. She probably doesn't even know she's doing it, at least not consciously, but it's extremely common. More on poop-tests here: Why Women Test Men by Suzanne Venker What should I do? Nothing. No need, really, to do anything. You've made your point clear, you've offered to help her work through this. What more needs to be said? Perhaps a "please don't snoop through my phone anymore; if you are curious about something, just ask, but don't snoop" but aside from that, I think you're good.
Happy Lemming Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Oh... I would be "over the top" sweet and nice in the things that I said. The whole time trying to figure out what to do next to annoy or irritate her. Its just a working theory.
Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 I have felt a little bit like she is taking advantage of me for money. She has a substantial amount of debt (credit card debt) that she said she acquired from medical expenses (which I believe). She seems responsible and she did have a rather large medical issue 2 years ago. As a result of this debt, she’s VERY cheap. Almost to the point that she’s always looking for sympathy because of the debt. Saying things like “I can’t spend any money babe I need to pay off this debt” Also. She is always suggesting expensive restaurants. Which we go to always asking me after work if I want to get together and at the same time she will Alwways ask me if I have eaten yet. She has never once offered to pay for any meals in over three months. At this point it’s basically established that I pay for all meals. We are taking a weekend trip together in 2 weeks all of which I have paid for and while we are there I know she will not offer to pay for any meals. I don’t mind doing this BUT the total lack of offering to pay kind of makes me feel a little bit like she’s using me. But I have been careful not to go there too quickly and I have given her the benefit of the doubt. I texted a friend to mine a message of great concern about this recently and also said I wasn’t sure if she was using me and maybe I should end it. I REALLY don’t think she saw this message though because it was deep within my messages and based on the way my applications opened looked on my phone in the night In question, I’m not sure that she looked at my iMessages. I can be nieve. I’m a good looking guy with a good job etc but I CAN be a little nieve. I’m worried maybe she is looking for someone to support her and she’s thinking she can get that from me. But, I’m also trying not to have those thoughts because I don’t want to ruin it if I’m incorrect. Remember, she tells me she loves me and tells me she wants to be with me Long term. I believe her. I need direction though. I’m totally unsure.
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I don’t know if that’s the case or not. She tells me she loves me and and last Friday she told me, unsolicited, that she wanted to be with me forever. She said she loved me and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me (this past Friday). Why would she say that if she wanted me to break up with her? "Things" have happened since last Friday though. Sometimes when "things" happen it can put a different slant on the entire relationship.
Happy Lemming Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 OK... test your theory (about the money). Take her to cheap (diner style) restaurants. Pick up a pizza and watch a movie on Netflix instead of going out. On the next trip, instead of staying in a nice hotel, suggest you camp in a tent at a nearby camp site. 1
damni Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I just realized you been only dating this woman for FOUR months. That is nothing. I thought you been dating a year by how you were talking about her. At this stage, you shouldn't be having these doubts or these petty arguments. She certainly shouldn't be looking through your phone! Just walk away, it's been four months. 1
Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 Regarding the response suggesting she wants me to break up with her. Should I ask her if that’s what she wants? I don’t want to break up with her so I am not planning on doing that
Geraltt Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Regarding the response suggesting she wants me to break up with her. Should I ask her if that’s what she wants? I don’t want to break up with her so I am not planning on doing that That's like using a sledgehammer to kill a fly. It's disproportionate to the "infraction." Some suggestions tend to default to the "dump him/her" immediately as the only alternative. It's binary thinking and I think doesn't do much good. At this point, I think I'd just drop it. Going over it repeatedly isn't likely to bring any new info to light, nor is it likely to help. You've made your concerns known, as has she. Not much point in worrying the same old wound. 1
Mrs._December Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I don’t mind doing this BUT the total lack of offering to pay kind of makes me feel a little bit like she’s using me. But I have been careful not to go there too quickly and I have given her the benefit of the doubt. What would be the point of her 'offering' to pay for something you BOTH know she doesn't have the money to pay for? It would be a hollow and fake gesture at best. But it IS pretty crappy that she's suggesting expensive restaurants. Time to start finding your spine and stop being so 'naive.' I texted a friend to mine a message of great concern about this recently and also said I wasn’t sure if she was using me and maybe I should end it. Never say never. It's pretty easy to skim through a long long thread of texts in no time at all. You have no clue how long she was awake looking at your phone before she woke you up. Could have been two hours - who knows? And messages are usually the FIRST thing people look at on a phone, so it also stands to reason that your texts wouldn't be the first in line of the 'most recently opened' apps. She likely would have opened texts first and THEN looked at everything else, which sent the text app farther down the list of most recently opened apps. Makes perfect sense.
Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 Ok well I already asked her if she looked. She didn’t admit to it so I guess I just need acting like nothing is wrong until otherwise notified. 1
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 She can cook you home cook meals, tidy your house, help you with shopping to make up for the "I can't afford it". You know pitch in her share, while you open your wallet. If she isn't doing any of that, then ya she's spongin off ya. 2
Hopeful30 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 First of all, there is no such thing as "perfect harmony". Throw this idea out the window. Second, never apologize for how you feel. Even if it's not justified or out of proportion, you are a human being and what you're feeling is part of the normal spectrum of what goes on emotionally in relationships. Third, give her space. She might be offended that you're still reacting based on a past relationship. She might be offended you don't trust her. If you keep probing, you will make it worse. You've done your part, explained your behaviour, now let it go. Act normal, and if it continues to bother her, this is an opportunity for her to learn that she needs to step forward in a relationship and talk about it. Honestly, this isn't a big deal at all. I think it's very mature that you explained to her why you reacted the way you did. Not everyone is comfortable being so upfront about their feelings. Give her a bit of space, trust that she will come to you when she's ready.
Author thr1986 Posted January 16, 2019 Author Posted January 16, 2019 One small thing I need help with is this... She constantly likes to ask me “how much do you miss me” or “do you love me” or things along those lines. Just statements soliciting me telling her how much i miss her or love her etc. But, she never returns the statements. Like if I tell her how much I miss her when she asks me, she never says I miss you too back. Or for example I told her today via text that I’m looking forward to seeing her tonight but she didn’t say anything back. It just seems weird. Am I making a big deal about this or is it something to actually worry about?
Highndry Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 I think it's time to start reading about BPD.
Author thr1986 Posted January 16, 2019 Author Posted January 16, 2019 I think it's time to start reading about BPD. Why do you say that? What are signs of BPD that you’re seeing in my posts?
Juha Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 From what you put in your thread it seems you have a little princess on your hands. She has money issues but she wants you to treat for nice meals, trips, etc. I know you like her but you are being taken advantage of if not for a ride. I think she says things to you so it seems she is invested in this relationship but is really there for what you can do for her. I would have not got involved seriously with this woman due to her issues. I would suggest you move in from this woman, if you are having all these thoughts in your head about her then I would say you feel like you are being used and she is not totally invested in you either. The woman you date coincides with how happy you are, time to move on from this woman and find one without all these issues... Don's invest anymore of your time, money, or feelings into this relationship as the issues you have now will only grow. I wish you luck
Author thr1986 Posted January 16, 2019 Author Posted January 16, 2019 (edited) Like for example, Sunday we went to brunch at a place she chose and wanted to go to. Then later on Sunday, Sunday evening, we were going to get dinner and decided to just order a pizza from a place that was her idea. I paid for everything. Then this weekend we’re going away. I paid for the place we’re staying, the rental car, and I’m sure I’ll end up paying for all food etc while we’re away. She just never offers. It’s not so much about the money S it is that I feel a little used. But at the same time, she spends a ton of time with me and tells me she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I’m confused and I don’t know what to do Edited January 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Full quote of immediately preceding post redacted
Author thr1986 Posted January 17, 2019 Author Posted January 17, 2019 Today she has been so unintimate. I don’t get it. Just through text messages she’s so non intimate. Not sweet like usual. I’m confused and I don’t know what to do. We’re suoposed to go away together tomorrow for 4 days. Why can’t I just fine a woman who will act consistent and love me like I’m willing to love
Happy Lemming Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 Cancel the trip... In my youth, I made the mistake of going through with a vacation/trip with a woman who was being indifferent towards me. I didn't want to lose the deposit I had placed, but in the end it was the longest week of my life. I couldn't wait for the vacation to end, so I could go back to work. I counted down the hours until it was over. I should have forfeited the deposit. We broke up as soon as we returned from the trip. Please learn from my stupid mistake.
Highndry Posted January 17, 2019 Posted January 17, 2019 (edited) Cancel the trip... In my youth, I made the mistake of going through with a vacation/trip with a woman who was being indifferent towards me. I didn't want to lose the deposit I had placed, but in the end it was the longest week of my life. I couldn't wait for the vacation to end, so I could go back to work. I counted down the hours until it was over. I should have forfeited the deposit. We broke up as soon as we returned from the trip. Please learn from my stupid mistake. I agree with this. If you're not getting along it's a terrible time to go on vacation. I once canceled a ski trip with an ex because she was getting all pissy and just ruined things before we left. I took my dog and went on my own vacation to visit old friends. That was pretty much the end of us, but I didn't care at that point. Edited January 17, 2019 by Highndry
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