thr1986 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I’m a guy (32) she’s a girl (34) I’ve been seeing her for 4 months. Eveything is perfect, really really great. We have been spending every night together. All our free time together, etc. Last night her and I fell asleep on the sofa. She woke me up at around 3:00am and was wide awake and to be honest seemed a little agitated. We were going to get up and go to bed. I grabbed my phone and it seemed a little like she had been on it. I started thinking about how she seemed wide awake and started thinking maybe while I was asleep before she woke me up she went through my phone. My ex used to do that. She would wake me up in the middle of the night and start fights with me about what she found on my phone...I never cheated but she would imagine scenarios based on what she read, etc. So, I asked her if she looked on my phone. She took offense to this. I apologized for asking her that and said it wasn’t fair. To try and compensate for it I explained to her what my ex used to do and told her it just brought back an old instinct to get defensive when woken up in the middle of the night because when that happened with my ex it normally meant she was going to argue with me. Anyways, because of this, things were a little awkward this morning and I think we both sort of felt it bubbling under the surface. I apologized again and agaub, asked her if she was ok. She said she was fine although seemed a little passive aggressive about it. She did say she understood the behavior (based on my experiences with my ex) and if it was a problem In the future we would work on it. But, I still sensed a little bit of passive aggressive from her about the topic. What should I do? I want things to return to the perfect harmony they were before this. What is the best thing to do from this point?
Wallysbears Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Drop it. And don't ever make that sort of accusation again. and realize this woman isn't your ex and you need to deal with YOUR baggage from your ex and not project it into this current relationship. 2
olivetree Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) She might have been agitated for other reasons, like you falling asleep on the sofa. But now she wonders if you have something to hide on your phone. Another alternative is she did look at your phone. If she did, would there be anything to be upset about? Maybe she was tired this morning and a bit grumpy. See how things go and if her mood doesn't improve you can address it again later. Edited January 8, 2019 by olivetree 2
Geraltt Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 There are more than a few things going on here. There's no need to apologize for feeling violated. especially apologizing multiple times. If she actually did snoop through your phone, she's the one that should be apologizing, not you. I can't help but wonder if she got so defensive when you brought it up as a distraction from telling the truth. It's a well-used tactic, used to side-track the conversation from the event itself - the snooping on the phone - to the accusation. Just as you had issues with your ex doing some things, so too she might have issues with an ex of hers hiding stuff on his phone from her which may have been instrumental in leading to their breakup. You both come to the relationship with histories, and ignoring those histories doesn't make a lot of sense. As to how to get back to where you were? Time and trust. 2
manfrombelow2 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Have one serious conversation with her about how you felt when she looked into your phone. Please refrain yourself from showing negative energy like anger or resentment, but talking to her with a calm and loving attitude and tone instead. Women are emotional creatures so they base their thoughts and behaviour on emotions. I suggest you don't need to talk about this now, but maybe after when the two of you have had a good time together after a date or something.
Happy Lemming Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I can't help but wonder if she got so defensive when you brought it up as a distraction from telling the truth. It's a well-used tactic, used to side-track the conversation from the event itself - the snooping on the phone - to the accusation. This was my first thought when I read the opening post of the thread. I think she looked in the phone and got pi$$ed off by what she found. It would also explain being wide awake and irritated in the middle of the night. I think of someone's phone as their personal diary. I would never touch my girlfriend's phone... Just like I wouldn't go through her purse or open her mail. There are some things you just don't do. 1
Juha Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 She may or may not have looked at your phone, you do not know. Accusing her of doing it was not the right thing to do at that moment. You had no idea if she did or not but you projected what happened with your ex onto her. I would drop it and hopefully she did not look.... I wish you luck
soyou Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 To be honest, if I were her (given that I did not look into your phone), I would be very mad too. Your accusation showed me two things 1) You have not completely gotten rid of your past's baggage yet 2) You did not trust me. This is maybe just me though. I would just walk away if this happened to me. 2
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 She got blamed for something your ex did and then you brought up the baggage from your ex as an explanation and an excuse for accusing your present gf of wrongdoing. Bringing an ex into a discussion/argument is rarely a good idea. OR she did find something on your phone that upset her, OR she is now wondering why you got so defensive about your phone, what are you hiding?... 2
Author thr1986 Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 She got blamed for something your ex did and then you brought up the baggage from your ex as an explanation and an excuse for accusing your present gf of wrongdoing. Bringing an ex into a discussion/argument is rarely a good idea. OR she did find something on your phone that upset her, OR she is now wondering why you got so defensive about your phone, what are you hiding?... To the point regarding my defensiveness and her wondering if I do have something to hide. She brought that up last night. So, to mitigate that, I opened my phone text messages and insisted we just scroll through them together. There’s nothing to hide in there and I think she gets that now. Hopefully. I sort of think she looked in my phone (which is ok, I actually don’t mind because there is nothing in there that she would have seen). The reason I think she may have looked is because she actually brought this topic up last night befor we fell asleep last night. She made a joking comment asking if my ex used to look through g phone when we were sleeping. This is particularly why it is on my mind. Because she actually brought up the topic last night. I think she is still feeling a little weird about it. She messaged me today asking if I was feeling ok. I said yes I was fine and that I missed her. She said she was feeling fine emotionally but that she wished she was just with me today rather than working and that she wanted to spend time with me until the traces of our argument were gone
Garcon1986 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Were you hiding pictures of dog poo on your phone? Were there pictures of Trump eating McDonalds? What was so sensitive that was on your phone?
Geraltt Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I think she is still feeling a little weird about it. She messaged me today asking if I was feeling ok. I said yes I was fine and that I missed her. She said she was feeling fine emotionally but that she wished she was just with me today rather than working and that she wanted to spend time with me until the traces of our argument were gone Sounds like you and she are well on your way to putting this whole episode behind you. That's all good.
Happy Lemming Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 To thr1986: After reading your post #10, I'm convinced she went through your phone. Whether you are OK with it or not, its an invasion of privacy!! She had no right to touch your phone, much less snoop through it. What next, is she going to go through your mail, your wallet, your tax returns, medical records, journal or diary, the hard drive on your computer?? There are aspects of all of our lives that are private to us, you should not be OK with this, in my opinion. 1
Juha Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) <snip>Because she actually brought up the topic last night. I think she is still feeling a little weird about it. She messaged me today asking if I was feeling ok. I said yes I was fine and that I missed her. She said she was feeling fine emotionally but that she wished she was just with me today rather than working and that she wanted to spend time with me until the traces of our argument were gone Sounds like she is guilty of looking through your phone while you were sleeping, if she brought the topic up again. Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1
Rockdad Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I suspect that she did. A lot much to do over this thing is she did not. Time to let it go though. It's been made clear that going through your phone behind your back isn't something you appreciate.
lurker74 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Easy - put a password or fingerprint lock on your phone. Then you never have to wonder. 2
Author thr1986 Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 I just feel like if roles were reversed and she asked me if I looked at her phone I never would have gotten defensive. I would have said no I didn’t and then when she apologized up and down for asking me that (like I did to her) I would have assured her that everything was completely ok and she has nothing to worry about. Part of this (aside from if she actually looked or not- which I don’t care about) makes me wonder if she’s always going to take a mile when I give her an Inch in terms of being apologetic, etc. it almost seems like she just wants to milk the situation for as much of an apology as I will give
Geraltt Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 ... makes me wonder if she’s always going to take a mile when I give her an Inch in terms of being apologetic, etc. it almost seems like she just wants to milk the situation for as much of an apology as I will give That's what I was referring to earlier. Apologizing multiple times for something that wasn't even your fault doesn't come off particularly good. Perhaps it's another discussion for another thread (I have little doubt it's been discussed in detail previously, but at the moment I'm too lazy to go look it up) but the whens and hows and how-oftens about apologizing are significant matters, obviously depending upon the so-called "infraction". Now, it could very well be that she was just having a weak moment, and if that's the case I'd be tempted to cut her a lot of slack. But if it's part of a pattern, well, that may need some addressing.
Author thr1986 Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) When I asked her if she looked at my phone, she immediately started to turn away from me, act as though she was upset and when I tried to address her kindly and apologetically it was as if she wouldn’t look at me and just wanted me to hover over her apologizing. It was quite frustrating actually. I felt like I was going over the top, worried about if she was mad or not, trying to “right” the “wrong” I did by asking her that question. Then I started explaining to her why I asked, mentioning my ex girlfriend and the situation with her. She seemed to understand. But, then when I resolved the issue about asking her the question by explaining the ex girlfriend situation, she started to say she was more concerned with my tone and mood when I was apologizing. She said I seemed “aggressive” and upset and that it worried her how I was acting. I was simply saying sorry and yes I got a little frustrated that she wouldn’t look at me as I basically begged her to accept my apology. I can’t tell if I’m at fault or if she is. Is she manipulating me? Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of immediately preceding post and add paragraphs
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) I want things to return to the perfect harmony they were before this. When I asked her if she looked at my phone, she immediately started to turn away from me, act as though she was upset and when I tried to address her kindly and apologetically it was as if she wouldn’t look at me and just wanted me to hover over her apologizing. It was quite frustrating actually.<snip> ^^^^ This isn't the best way to go about restoring harmony. Edited January 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Highndry Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 There's a big difference between asking and accusing. It seems to me you asked her and didn't accuse her. This shouldn't elicit such a strong reaction from any party except the guilty. Given the facts here, I'm going to guess she was going through your phone. However, I'm also going to assume there was something on your phone that upset her, that you're not admitting to here. Because if there was nothing, there would be absolutely no reason for her to be upset. Something's missing here.
Author thr1986 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 There was something that would have upset her. A comment I texted a friend about her, a while ago. It was within a conversation pretty far down my texts I’m not sure she would have seen it. Also, I noticed that my messages app was not even close to the most recent app opened when I first opened my phone last night (so I’m not even sure she looked in my imessages if she did look in my phone). I just texted her something very sweet. And she simply reaponded with an emoticon. I don’t know what to do. It feels like something is off. I really can’t tell if she is manipulating me. I wish I could make a more definitive decision about what u should do to make things normal again. I feel responsible because I asked her that stupid question
Highndry Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 (edited) There was something that would have upset her. <snip> I don't think it's your job to try to smooth anything over. She had no business snooping in your phone, then she lied to you about it. I'd be unhappy if I were you. Edited January 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1
Garcon1986 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 You've encountered the first signs of manipulation. You don't have to apologize if you've done nothing wrong with your phone. You must make a stand, gently but firmly, that you will not accept being guilt tripped into apologizing for nonexistent things. Relationships die on this kind of stuff. Stamp out the behavior right now as being unacceptable. Just continue to be kind, gentle, and loving like you have been. Unless you've been hiding pictures of dog poo on your phone - those will need to go haha.
basil67 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 If she did look at your phone and there was nothing to be found, why would she be agitated? I would think that if there's nothing to find, she'd be reassured. My guess is either a) she looked and found something or b) her behaviour was off for a completely different reason. 2
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