My gf never gets jealous !?

[brent878]

She's not jealous because she knows she'd be just fine if you decided you didn't want her anymore and cheated on her. She's probably had to "move on" before in her life and gained strength from it. She likes her own company and trusts her own strength to overcome what life throws at her.

 

She also probably just trusts you, which is not a bad thing.

 

Thank you. This is helpful as well. And yes, your speculations are correct with regard to her past.

[brent878]

Well, just be in your center. When you're 100% sure you are always the best version of yourself, you will not care anymore what your girl is doing, where she is doing it or even with whom she is doing it with, because if the worst case scenario happens (your girl cheats), then she has never been worthy of you anyway.

 

Best of lucks.

 

You're right. That helps. Thank you.

[Juha]

I think you need better reading comprehension skills. The response was on point. If you value yourself (which your partner does), the worst thing that can happen is to have someone cheat on you. If that happens and you truly value yourself, it's not too big of a problem...you can just move on like Beyonce in Irreplaceable. That sounds like why she's not jealous.

 

What's interesting is your own lack of self confidence despite, apparently, being in the top 5% of the males population. Some people like it when their partner is jealous because it feeds their ego. Perhaps her lack of jealousy is making you feel insecure and it has been my experience that the best "catches" are often times the MOST insecure.

 

On point right here! If you value yourself, am comfortable in your skin, then if your partner cheats on you you will not take it against you but see that your partner is not worthy of having you in their life. You move forward from them. It is pretty simple.

[Tamfana]

Thank you for the posts. Your 17 smileys also made me laugh. Let's start this over.

 

Previously when I have been apathetic towards an ex's behaviour it was because I wasn't all that interested in them. A prior post alluded to this and I suppose that's possible, but I doubt it.

 

It's more that the lack of a response to things that incited insecurity in prior partners gave me reason to think maybe she just didn't care, but that is probably incorrect. Anyway, this was actually pretty helpful.

 

Take about 20% off the aggression though please.

 

You're drawing unjustified conclusions, in this case by concluding that she is apathetic when it sounds as though she just isn't as effusive and focused on you as you expect or want. Maybe you'd be more satisfied with someone who's more focused on you.

 

Lots of people aren't all about the partner or all about the relationship 24/7. Personally, I don't know how someone can get work done or have carefree fun with friends and family if his or her emotional life revolves around a partner or relationship.

 

It's not an either-or proposition, where people who are in love or happy in a relationship are either obsessed or drunk on love on one hand OR apathetic, ambivalent, uncaring on the other hand. It's a ever-changing balance for all people really. From what I've seen, the first extreme (obsession or drunk on love, partner-centered) for years isn't sustainable.

 

The man I mentioned in my post above might have been insecure but I saw it as his being an adrenaline junkie. He wanted very high highs, such as overwhelming thrilling love and adoration. Daily life was a bore for him. He defined love as the extreme, the thrills of an early relationship. He asked once if I would fight for him if he was interested in another woman and I said, no, of course not. If he wants to leave I'm not going to fight to "keep" him, keep him in a cage. He did not like that. I think he liked the thrill of drama.

Edited January 8, 2019 by Tamfana

[soyou]

Have you ever thought that she's NOT that into you.

 

Based on what you wrote, I could see myself in her behavior when I'm interested in somebody but NOT that much for me to to go extra miles.

[Juha]

Don't know your GF so it could be a few things....

 

She is a very strong individual and not insecure at all.

 

She trusts you without a doubt.

 

She is not that invested in this relationship

 

She is cold

 

Take your pick

 

I wish you luck

[brent878]

You're drawing unjustified conclusions, in this case by concluding that she is apathetic when it sounds as though she just isn't as effusive and focused on you as you expect or want. Maybe you'd be more satisfied with someone who's more focused on you. <snip>

 

I have not drawn any conclusions and was asking for advice on what the behaviour indicated, because it was something I have not experienced.

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[brent878]

Have you ever thought that she's NOT that into you.

 

Based on what you wrote, I could see myself in her behavior when I'm interested in somebody but NOT that much for me to to go extra miles.

 

 

Pretty sure I acknowledged this as a possibility, yes.

[edgygirl]

Please familiarize yourself with the psychological concept of "attachment style theory". It comes from how we related to our parents as toddlers, and causes this type of insecurities in our adult relationships.

 

It seems she has what the theory calls "secure attachment" (or perhaps a bit on the avoidant side as she goes MIA at times) - she doesn't seem needy, she seems secure in herself. You on the other hand, seem to have "insecure attachment style" which makes you imagine things that are not happening and catastrophizing / having fear of abandonment, not to mention becoming jealous where there is not evidence whatsoever that she's cheating or intends to leave you.

 

She having a "secure" and you and "insecure" attachment style would explain it all, I believe. I say that because I recently found out I have an insecure attachment style and all my relationship issues now make sense.

 

link: https://www.psychalive.org/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship/

Edited January 8, 2019 by edgygirl

[preraph]

She's not jealous because she doesn't fear losing you because she knows she can always find someone else or be fine on her own. She knows if she loses you, it will be because something doesn't fit or work right with you and that it won't destroy her and she'll just move on. This is what a truly confident self-possessed person is like. Most of us aren't on that level. You'll have to at least act normal and not jealous or she'll see that weakness in you. That's insecurity.

[manfrombelow2]

1000% correct. Excellent post.

 

She's not jealous because she doesn't fear losing you because she knows she can always find someone else or be fine on her own.<snip>

Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

I get nervous that, despite my multiple doctorates and being at the top of my field, in great shape, making loads of money etc,

 

For the record - and for your own self image - you need to be more than this if you're to hold on to a girlfriend. One could have all these things, yet be a total knob. In fact, I'm sure you've come across a number highly successful knobs in your time.

 

I would argue that what you have to offer at a personal level is far more important than these assets you've described. These assets are the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.

 

Refocus on what's important.

[brent878]

Please familiarize yourself with the psychological concept of "attachment style theory". It comes from how we related to our parents as toddlers, and causes this type of insecurities in our adult relationships<snip>

 

Hiya. Yes, I am extremely familiar with attachment theory and there is no question I'm an anxious and she is either secure or avoidant. Although, my style varies depending on what I am in. To be securely attached you need a certain amount of love given - my anxiously-attached personna only comes out when it feels like that's lacking. I've been in relationships where I've actually been an avoidant because I feel smothered.

Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[brent878]

She's not jealous because she doesn't fear losing you because she knows she can always find someone else or be fine on her own. She knows if she loses you, it will be because something doesn't fit or work right with you and that it won't destroy her and she'll just move on. This is what a truly confident self-possessed person is like. Most of us aren't on that level. You'll have to at least act normal and not jealous or she'll see that weakness in you. That's insecurity.

 

Interesting take -- what you describe sounds an awful lot like indifference/ambivalence.

 

"she shows if she loses you...she'll just move on...she can always find someone else and she doesn't fear losing you".

 

Talk about an attitude to make someone feel replaceable and worthless. I don't think this represents strength at all - I think that represents someone who is either very self-focused, or emotionally unavailable. Those aren't qualities to envy, they're qualities that while I accept might make someone less vulnerable, they are also likely to be found in someone who will never know what real love feels like.

[olivetree]

I think it'd be helpful if you answered the questions I asked in my post about your relationship.

I think it'd give a better indication if she is avoidant or secure based on how long you've been together and how frequent the things you do that should supposedly make her jealous happen.

 

What her childhood was like could also tell you a lot about her.

[edgygirl]

Oh great to hear that you know about it! And that you're self aware

 

Sounds like you're a fearful-avoidant like me. I also pin for people who are secure and sometimes distant (they activate my anxiety and fear of abandonment), but I become an avoidant when people are too into me and suffocate me and when things start to be emotionally intimate... it's all also related to "Fear of Intimacy" - read on that, might be revealing to you as it was to me.

 

This is a new subject to me, but from what I gather, while it's ideal to try to become secure through having a secure partner, you can also become secure without their help, by working on yourself. Besides reading a lot on it, might also be helpful to do therapy with a professional that is specialized in attachment theory or something called IFS (also related to that). I intend to do that when I get a chance.

 

On rereading I'm thinking your GF might also be an avoidant, instead of secure, so you both have insecure attachment and in this case, mainly she triggers you.

 

I feel until we work on this, relationships will always be problematic... so good luck to both of us!

 

Hiya. Yes, I am extremely familiar with attachment theory and there is no question I'm an anxious and she is either secure or avoidant. Although, my style varies depending on what I am in. To be securely attached you need a certain amount of love given - my anxiously-attached personna only comes out when it feels like that's lacking. I've been in relationships where I've actually been an avoidant because I feel smothered.

Edited January 8, 2019 by edgygirl

[basil67]

Interesting take -- what you describe sounds an awful lot like indifference/ambivalence.

 

"she shows if she loses you...she'll just move on...she can always find someone else and she doesn't fear losing you".

 

Talk about an attitude to make someone feel replaceable and worthless. I don't think this represents strength at all - I think that represents someone who is either very self-focused, or emotionally unavailable. Those aren't qualities to envy, they're qualities that while I accept might make someone less vulnerable, they are also likely to be found in someone who will never know what real love feels like.

 

I don't interpret Preraph's words as describing indifference/ambivalence. I think it simply explains someone who knows that jealousy won't change any outcomes for the positive and who also knows that if a relationship ends, she will survive and move on. Knowing that she'll be OK doesn't mean that the end of a relationship wouldn't hurt her.

[edgygirl]

Just one more thing I wanted to point out re: the below - the truth is no one can replace that love we have to feel for ourselves and that in truth is kinda lacking when we're anxiously attached or fearful avoidants. No human being in the world will be able to give you that and fix this void, unless they're securely attached, and even so, it's not a given.

 

That's why we have to work on our traumas by our own and become securely attached ourselves and don't count on external love to feel whole. It's like giving other people the control for your happiness.

 

To be securely attached you need a certain amount of love given - my anxiously-attached personna only comes out when it feels like that's lacking.

[manfrombelow2]

No one [owes] you that.

 

When I told you to be in your "center", this is what I meant: you cannot control anything other than yourself (your mindset). No one [owes] you a confirmation that they'll never leave you. You can only try to become the best version of yourself so that your partner (hopefully) never finds any reason to leave you.

 

And I don't think your partner doesn't love you like you're interpreting. The fact she's not jealous does not mean she does not love you. It's just that she loves you in a way that you feel "free" (like Thich Nhat Hanh said, as quoted in my signature).

 

You are in control of your life, that's YOUR job.

 

To be securely attached you need a certain amount of love given - my anxiously-attached personna only comes out when it feels like that's lacking. I've been in relationships where I've actually been an avoidant because I feel smothered.

Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[some_username1]

I think it'd be helpful if you answered the questions I asked in my post about your relationship.

I think it'd give a better indication if she is avoidant or secure based on how long you've been together and how frequent the things you do that should supposedly make her jealous happen.

 

What her childhood was like could also tell you a lot about her.

 

Exactly! Everyone is taking it at face value that she is has a secure attachment style...yet if they found out that she exhibited jealously towards her most recent partner people's opinions would change at the drop of a hat!

 

So the answer is: how long is a piece of string? It is a very nuanced question that requires a deeper understanding of the person involved in order to get a picture complete enough to form an opinion particularly current behaviour vs previous behaviour vs relationship with parents in childhood.

 

If it were me (and i hate doing this so I would have to be really bothered to do so) I would start with her social media and trawl her facebook and see how her posts involving you differ from those at the time she was dating her ex's.

 

Good luck.

[MetallicHue]

Couldn’t she be jealous and just not admit it?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

This doesn't sound like lack of jealousy, sounds like a lack of interest. Jealousy does not equal love or making your partner feel secure. I wished for a jealous guy cause I wanted one who really cared for me, but I regretted that wish after dating a deeply jealous guy. I've had guys that would rarely text me while we were dating and they just didn't want to put in the time. If you are feeling alone in your relationship, the person is not right for you.

[preraph]

Interesting take -- what you describe sounds an awful lot like indifference/ambivalence.

 

"she shows if she loses you...she'll just move on...she can always find someone's else and she doesn't fear losing you".

 

Talk about an attitude to make someone feel replaceable and worthless. I don't think this represents strength at all - I think that represents someone who is either very self-focused, or emotionally unavailable. Those aren't qualities to envy, they're qualities that while I accept might make someone less vulnerable, they are also likely to be found in someone who will never know what real love feels like.

 

Love isn't jealousy and obsession. a confident self loving person doesn't require another person to feel complete. They can certainly love someone. But if they think a lot of themselves and someone is giving them a reason to be jealous, they'll just see that as a flaw on the part of the person doing it. And they're not likely to be threatened by random women if they're that secure.

[basil67]

I'm going to go on a tangent and ask why you're doing things which would provoke jealousy if it was done to you. Have you considered behaving in a manner more in keeping with someone who's in a relationship?

[Rayce]

Couldn’t she be jealous and just not admit it?

 

Maybe jealousy is something that she is working on herself. I know I am. Have you consider asking her about it? I hope your not trying to provoke her. You might not like the result.