d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Honestly I don't know what his feelings for her are. All I know for sure from his texts is that he prefers sex with her to sex with you and his behavior toward you is insulting & disrespectful. I also don't know why you are dithering about this. I get that you love him but how long can you continue to love somebody who treats you so callously? 2
manfrombelow2 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Now you are trying very hard to prove that OP's partner does not deserve a second chance, that he is hopeless so that you are right. Honestly, this kind of mindset disgusts me.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Unlike women, men can have total control of their emotions if they WANT to. Just give him a second chance, and believe in him, the rest is his job, not yours. And may I repeat, giving your lover a second chance also means giving yourself a second chance. Do you think you deserve a second chance? Yes you do. is it just a immaturity in the moment kind of thing, or is it deeper than this? If everything was possible would he want her instead? That’s where my worry is. Not just stopping his unwanted behavior but the emotions that led to it.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 Honestly I don't know what his feelings for her are. All I know for sure from his texts is that he prefers sex with her to sex with you and his behavior toward you is insulting & disrespectful. I also don't know why you are dithering about this. I get that you love him but how long can you continue to love somebody who treats you so callously? I can’t. I’m not sure how I’ll go about this. I don’t want to just sneak away but I don’t think I could do this anymore now. He treated me so well and up until days ago I thought I was so happy and lucky. It’s all just an act. Maybe he wanted to play house. He’s a poser. 1
olivetree Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Honestly, the only thing that matters here is that he has cheated on you and is untrustworthy. I think you will feel a lot better about yourself if you do not tolerate that. You'd feel very paranoid in this relationship bc your bf has very poor boundaries. I think there is too much focus on the ex. If it wasn't her, it would probably be someone else, as the ex-fiance found out.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 If you decide to stay, know that your relationship won't be the same. When he is less communicative with you, you will worry that he's thinking about someone else. When he seems secretive with his phone, you will worry he is texting her again. When he's too tired to have sex with you or is taking a long time to finish, you will worry it's really because he'd bored with you and is thinking of someone else. When he tells you he loves you, you will worry that he's just saying the words and still loves her more. When he is in a funk and distant, you will worry that he's about to leave you. When he's out with friends and comes home later than usual, you will worry that he's met another woman out. When his phone pings late at night, you will worry it's his ex again. No matter how much you might want to get over this and forgive him (which is what I'm sensing you're going to do) the fall-out for your relationship will be quite damaging. It's going to be a very sore thorn in your side for a long time and it will taint the good memories you have. Just know what you're signing up for if you choose not to leave. You'd be choosing a man who doesn't value honesty and exclusivity. 2
Tamfana Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Unlike women, men can have total control of their emotions if they WANT to. ... I realize that human beings often crave easy equations and simple explanations. It's a natural emotion-driven desire. But this is nuts, no matter ow comforting it might be to believe. 2
Author RavenHairr Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 (edited) {snip} No matter how much you might want to get over this and forgive him (which is what I'm sensing you're going to do) the fall-out for your relationship will be quite damaging. It's going to be a very sore thorn in your side for a long time and it will taint the good memories you have. Just know what you're signing up for if you choose not to leave. You'd be choosing a man who doesn't value honesty and exclusivity. I could forgive a moment of weakness, but that wasn’t that. They’ve been talking for a few weeks, pictures included, plans to meet, talks about me and the sex we’ve had (he told her my work schedule gets in the way of sex). I don’t know what his plan was honestly. Leave me for her? I don’t understand him. If he’s unhappy then tell me. So yes I could forgive a mistake that was done without much thought. It’s childish but I get it. But this isn’t that kind of mistake, he’s brooding over her. There’s nothing for me to forgive, we shouldn’t even be together. Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I could forgive a moment of weakness, but that wasn’t that. They’ve been talking for a few weeks, pictures included, plans to meet, talks about me and the sex we’ve had (he told her my work schedule gets in the way of sex). I don’t know what his plan was honestly. Leave me for her? I don’t understand him. If he’s unhappy then tell me. So yes I could forgive a mistake that was done without much thought. It’s childish but I get it. But this isn’t that kind of mistake, he’s brooding over her. There’s nothing for me to forgive, we shouldn’t even be together. Yuck. Your boyfriend is awful, OP. Even worse than I thought. You're right, you shouldn't be together. He is with you to fill the void she left behind. Yes, the plan was very likely to leave you for her, if she'll have him back. You just happened to find out about it before he pulled the plug on you. He didn't tell you because he wasn't sure how she felt, and he didn't want to lost his back-up plan (you) in case she changed her mind. I'm sorry you had to read all those terrible messages and find out this way, but it's better you know what kind of jerk he actually is. I am gathering this is the first time you've encountered this sort of person, but this is exaclty the type who will indulge their desires with little consideration for who it hurts. As such, they can put on a front with their partner very easily. Their care only goes so deep, so it's no problem to go through the motions of a relationship while doing whatever they want on the side. Remember his ex-fiancee who dumped him for a similar stunt with another woman? Your dude is a serial cheat, OP. You've only just found out about it. This ain't a one-off for him; infidelity is familiar territory.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 (edited) You’re right. I would have NEVER imagined he’d do that. He seemed so committed like showing me to the world as official and together. He even told the ex on text that he could see us getting married, “hope that doesn’t upset you!” Maybe he’s just unable to love. The cheating seems to be a thing for him. When he was a teen his mom found out his dad was cheating on her for 1.5 years and they separated and he lived alone with his dad. They got back together but I wonder if going through that set him up for failure. Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
bathtub-row Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 (edited) He was probably hoping that his comment about marrying you and being with you openly would make his ex jealous. I wonder who contacted who first. Not that it completely matters but if he initiated the conversations with his ex, that makes it even worse. As far as what happened when he was younger, it’s probably just in his nature to cheat. He’ll most likely always be that way. Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 He was probably hoping that his comment about marrying you and being with you openly would make his ex jealous. I wonder who contacted who first. Not that it completely matters but if he initiated the conversations with his ex, that makes it even worse. As far as what happened when he was younger, it’s probably just in his nature to cheat. He’ll most likely always be that way. That was my first thought too. He is one immature chump.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 That was my first thought too. He is one immature chump. Lol but wouldn’t that push the ex away!?
Highndry Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I don't see this as a difficult decision at all. This guy is a lying, cheating phony. If that's what you want in life, stay. If I found out a gf was doing this, it would be over immediately and forever. This is blatant disrespect for you and the relationship. I find it hard to believe that somebody could even see this as a difficult decision. The relationship is over, whether you want it to be or not. 1
Author RavenHairr Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 I don't see this as a difficult decision at all. This guy is a lying, cheating phony. If that's what you want in life, stay. If I found out a gf was doing this, it would be over immediately and forever. This is blatant disrespect for you and the relationship. I find it hard to believe that somebody could even see this as a difficult decision. The relationship is over, whether you want it to be or not. Absolutely agree. I’m thinking if it wasn’t me finding out and even if they weren’t talking it wasn’t going to workout cause it’s broken. Something in the relationship isn’t right or he wouldn’t even think to cheat.
Highndry Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Absolutely agree. I’m thinking if it wasn’t me finding out and even if they weren’t talking it wasn’t going to workout cause it’s broken. Something in the relationship isn’t right or he wouldn’t even think to cheat. The way I'd handle it is by saying, in essence, "He/she can have you, 'cause I'm done. I can do way better than this shiz. Best of luck!" And that would be it. There's simply nothing a person can say to explain away that sort of behavior. Nothing. I wouldn't even entertain a conversation. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Lol but wouldn’t that push the ex away!? Evidently not.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 Wanted to update so you guys don’t think I just overlooked this. I moved out in a matter of hours (left some stuff behind but worth it) and I blocked him on everything after texting him that it’s over. If this was a mistake, weakness or an immaturity teen age boy moment I could have tried to forgive him, but it’s deeper than this. He’s anchored to her. He’s been emotionally connected to her the entire time. I’ve always asked him how come he never smiles in our photos together and he said he doesn’t like taking pictures in general but I’ve seen one of their photos together and he had his arms all around her and you could see all of his teeth. Anyway, I don’t deserve this. 5
Malin889 Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 That’s great! Did you tell him you were moving out? (As opposed to just leaving when he wasn’t home.) what did he say, if anything? I’m just curious. Good luck! I’m proud of you!
Author RavenHairr Posted January 11, 2019 Author Posted January 11, 2019 That’s great! Did you tell him you were moving out? (As opposed to just leaving when he wasn’t home.) what did he say, if anything? I’m just curious. Good luck! I’m proud of you! He left to go bouldering with his friend and I just picked up the things I know I need right away and had my sister help me and I’m staying with her now. I only texted him once I was out and I just said I wish this could have been different but I can’t do this to myself because the risk is just too great and that he should give himself the gift of healing instead of dating. I blocked him because I don’t want to hear his excuses (you guys warned me) and I’m not ready to confront him now. Or ever. 4
allofme Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 Sexting IS cheating. If my bf is sexting someone or even just flirting with someone via texts, sorry homie, there are loads of guys out there who wouldn’t do this to me. You’re out. 1
bathtub-row Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 I really admire for doing that. I know it really hurts but he kind of left you with no other choice. Keep us posted as to how you’re doing. I’m sorry you were put in this position. When you heal from all of this, any guy you get close to will know that you won’t tolerate being treated badly and they’ll be more likely to think twice before being disrespectful toward you. You just sent a very clear message that many people will take notice of. No matter how much you’re hurting, be proud of that. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 11, 2019 Posted January 11, 2019 You've done the best thing you could do for yourself, OP. The right guy for you wouldn't dream of behaving the way this one has. 1
Author RavenHairr Posted September 27, 2019 Author Posted September 27, 2019 So he’s still texting her, explicitly.
Recommended Posts