bathtub-row Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Right. You’re right. His ex fiancée left him cause she suspected he was cheating. He admitted the situation she found about didn’t make him look so well. He had his coworker at their home at midnight (fiancée was visiting family abroad) and sat on the couch with him with his fiancée blanket over her and a cup of tea and he took pictures. He says nothing happened cause that coworker is married. Anyway his ex didn’t believe him and they broke up. There seems to be an ongoing theme here — nothing happened but it sure looks suspicious. I think the guy likes to play around the edges of things. I would’ve dumped him the minute I read those texts between him and his ex. His ex was smart to dump him, but it seems she’s recently gotten a fresh dose of stupid.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 There seems to be an ongoing theme here — nothing happened but it sure looks suspicious. I think the guy likes to play around the edges of things. I would’ve dumped him the minute I read those texts between him and his ex. His ex was smart to dump him, but it seems she’s recently gotten a fresh dose of stupid. This is his ex fiancée, he wasn’t sexting her. He’s sexting his most recent ex.
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I won’t, I hope not. It’s just that somehow obsessing about his ex just sexually seem bearable than obsessing about her emotionally. I could somehow think it’s like him watching porn or something. I know both are BAD, but if he still has deep feelings for her that upsets me more. We talk about marriage, kids, the future in general. Well obviously he sees no real future with you if he is still playing around with his ex. The trouble with being a rebound is that he pushes you straight into the slot his ex left. It is a very comfortable and warm place, you feel loved and adored. Things move fast, it all seems so serious and right. That is until he realises you are not the ex and I guess that is where your man is at now. YOU are not the ex and he misses the ex. He never really gave himself time to heal to get over her so he wants her back. You were the substitute, the replacement, the stand in and now he has woken up. He may even be asking who is this woman? How did I get so involved here? You need to bow out for our own sake and sanity. 1
bathtub-row Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 This is his ex fiancée, he wasn’t sexting her. He’s sexting his most recent ex. Got it. My mistake. Still, there’s that ongoing theme. You know what they say — when people show you who they are, believe them. 1
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 Well obviously he sees no real future with you if he is still playing around with his ex. The trouble with being a rebound is that he pushes you straight into the slot his ex left. It is a very comfortable and warm place, you feel loved and adored. Things move fast, it all seems so serious and right. That is until he realises you are not the ex and I guess that is where your man is at now. YOU are not the ex and he misses the ex. He never really gave himself time to heal to get over her so he wants her back. You were the substitute, the replacement, the stand in and now he has woken up. He may even be asking who is this woman? How did I get so involved here? You need to bow out for our own sake and sanity. That resonates. He made me feel so loved. Asked me to move in with him after 6 months of dating. We took 4 or more vacations together. Met his entire family and friends. I just thought this was so real.
Highndry Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 This is the second thread I've been reading today where one or more posters have commented on your obvious gender bias against women and how the guy has to be strong and Alpha and all of that. You strike me as being very insecure and bitter towards women while proclaiming the exact opposite. I'm getting a similar whiff, but not so much the bitterness towards women. I think he's just clueless to the fact that using "feminine" as a derogatory insult of men is sexist and chauvinistic. These guys that show up here talking about how "alpha" they are, are likely stricken with an inferiority complex in life, and struggle mightily with women. No confident man is going to be flaunting his prowess on loveshack. They're comfortable in their own skin. If you think about it, the guys who go buy dating books and try to act a certain way with women are not authentic, and that's certainly not an "alpha" man. That's a beta in disguise. Not that there's anything wrong with them, it takes all kinds, but this stuff has really gotten silly. 1 1
Normm Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I'm getting a similar whiff, but not so much the bitterness towards women. I think he's just clueless to the fact that using "feminine" as a derogatory insult of men is sexist and chauvinistic. These guys that show up here talking about how "alpha" they are, are likely stricken with an inferiority complex in life, and struggle mightily with women. No confident man is going to be flaunting his prowess on loveshack. They're comfortable in their own skin. Like. ........ 1
bathtub-row Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 That resonates. He made me feel so loved. Asked me to move in with him after 6 months of dating. We took 4 or more vacations together. Met his entire family and friends. I just thought this was so real. It’s so sad when people get hurt like this. I wish I could tell you there’s a way to fix things but I don’t know how. How do you trust him from here on out? Betrayal is so brutal. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. 2
Author RavenHairr Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 It’s so sad when people get hurt like this. I wish I could tell you there’s a way to fix things but I don’t know how. How do you trust him from here on out? Betrayal is so brutal. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. What to do now? Confront him? Try to make it work? Leave? I’m thinking if he’s not in love with me a YEAR in, he never will. Is that right? 1
LittleLuu Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Honey why would you want to make this work? The guy has a history of this behaviour, he won’t change for you. “It all seemedso real” you have been blind to the entire situation, any smart woman would not have moved so fast with a guy so fresh out of a break up. It’s not going to be easy but please think about you and stop fooling yourself!
bathtub-row Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 What to do now? Confront him? Try to make it work? Leave? I’m thinking if he’s not in love with me a YEAR in, he never will. Is that right? Well, you need to handle it in a way that works for you. What I would do is obviously very different from what you would do. I wouldn’t give him any real explanation, I’d just break up with him and let his head spin and his ego go to hell. But that’s me because I learned a long time ago that when we make concessions for others, if we’re overly understanding and operate from a position of weakness instead of strength, it’ll come back to bite us even harder. That’s why I have a zero-tolerance for deal breaker behavior. Once a person crosses that line, it’s game over. When you’ve dealt with jerky behavior enough times, you’ll start to draw very strong boundaries.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 What to do now? Confront him? Try to make it work? Leave? I’m thinking if he’s not in love with me a YEAR in, he never will. Is that right? Yes, this. I can't fathom trying to make this work. It's the very fact that he is still in love with her that would have me walking, OP. Add in the deep disrespect and betrayal he's demonstrated towards you, and I can't imagine sticking around. You were the rebound. Something tells me this isn't the first time you sensed that he wasn't over his ex.
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 You should organise to move out when he is at work. Proceed to block him everywhere and never offer an explanation. Of course, you will never do this. No amount of talking is going to change the fact that he is in love with someone else. So every single word is a waste of your time and energy. 4
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 What to do now? Confront him? Try to make it work? Leave? I’m thinking if he’s not in love with me a YEAR in, he never will. Is that right? You don't confront. You do tell him what you found & let the conversation evolve from there. I suspect he will gaslight you & make this all about you snooping rather than his disrespect. Then if you have any sense you will break up. But he will most likely talk you into staying while he goes right back to lusting after her & feeling unfulfilled by your sex life. Stay at your own peril 1
manfrombelow2 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 While I myself said I don't approve of OP's boyfriend's behaviour, I DO NOT THINK telling them to break up is a good idea. It's always easy to tell a couple to break up just because one of them messed up at some point, but coming from a guy who was at both end of the spectrum, I strongly suggest OP to have a conversation with your partner about this, with a calm tone. Just ask him these two questions: 1/ Is it true that you don't need me anymore? 2/ Is it true that you value and love your mistress more than me (and our family)? If his answer is YES, then just break up. If his answer is NO, then I believe EVERYONE deserves a second chance. In fact, being tolerant and giving our partners a second chance is also an expression of LOVE. And sometimes, giving our partners a second chance also means giving ourselves a second chance, too. I feel sick reading all the comments trying to convince OP that walking away is the only option. Get a hold of yourselves, people.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 Yes, this. I can't fathom trying to make this work. It's the very fact that he is still in love with her that would have me walking, OP. Add in the deep disrespect and betrayal he's demonstrated towards you, and I can't imagine sticking around. You were the rebound. Something tells me this isn't the first time you sensed that he wasn't over his ex. You’re right. When we met he was pretending to be all okay about the breakup (we hooked up at a party then I told him I want a relationship or nothin) and when I asked about the ex and the breakup he didn’t wanna say much, but said he cried for days after and was full of regret that he made mistakes and how he hurt her and hated himself for it. I think she cut him off when she knew about me. It seems like they just restarted things.
bathtub-row Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 While I myself said I don't approve of OP's boyfriend's behaviour, I DO NOT THINK telling them to break up is a good idea. It's always easy to tell a couple to break up just because one of them messed up at some point, but coming from a guy who was at both end of the spectrum, I strongly suggest OP to have a conversation with your partner about this, with a calm tone. Just ask him these two questions: 1/ Is it true that you don't need me anymore? 2/ Is it true that you value and love your mistress more than me (and our family)? If his answer is YES, then just break up. If his answer is NO, then I believe EVERYONE deserves a second chance. In fact, being tolerant and giving our partners a second chance is also an expression of LOVE. And sometimes, giving our partners a second chance also means giving ourselves a second chance, too. I feel sick reading all the comments trying to convince OP that walking away is the only option. Get a hold of yourselves, people. Because people always tell the truth - particularly men - when confronted about these kinds of things. If you believe that, I’ve got some nice land to sell you in Florida. Waterfront property. Real cheap. Why on earth would she want to be with someone who’s still pining over their ex? Not everything can, or should, be fixed. It’s staying for the sake of staying that puts people in bad relationships year after year. She’s wasted enough of her precious time on this man. 1
Author RavenHairr Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 While I myself said I don't approve of OP's boyfriend's behaviour, I DO NOT THINK telling them to break up is a good idea. It's always easy to tell a couple to break up just because one of them messed up at some point, but coming from a guy who was at both end of the spectrum, I strongly suggest OP to have a conversation with your partner about this, with a calm tone. Just ask him these two questions: 1/ Is it true that you don't need me anymore? 2/ Is it true that you value and love your mistress more than me (and our family)? If his answer is YES, then just break up. If his answer is NO, then I believe EVERYONE deserves a second chance. In fact, being tolerant and giving our partners a second chance is also an expression of LOVE. And sometimes, giving our partners a second chance also means giving ourselves a second chance, too. I feel sick reading all the comments trying to convince OP that walking away is the only option. Get a hold of yourselves, people. I see your point. I love him. But like I asked earlier, is it just a immaturity in the moment kind of thing, or is it deeper than this? If everything was possible would he want her instead? That’s where my worry is. Not just stopping his unwanted behavior but the emotions that led to it.
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Trouble is, forgiveness is all very well, yes forgive, believe him, get married have a kid another on the way to find he is up to his old tricks and then where do you go? Not so easy to walk away then. a life of misery awaits... Forum members are trying to stop you making the same mistake women have made for millennia. "Oh but I love him" Fine, but that does not stop a cheater from cheating on you. 1
Author RavenHairr Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 Trouble is, forgiveness is all very well, yes forgive, believe him, get married have a kid another on the way to find he is up to his old tricks and then where do you go? Not so easy to walk away then. a life of misery awaits... Forum members are trying to stop you making the same mistake women have made for millennia. "Oh but I love him" Fine, but that does not stop a cheater from cheating on you. I wasn’t saying I’m staying. I was replying to the poster who said stay. Staying would be taking another risk with him and I don’t know if I can.
AriesDude Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I wasn’t saying I’m staying. I was replying to the poster who said stay. Staying would be taking another risk with him and I don’t know if I can. So from a caring human to another human we ask you....im actually begging you. Listen to these nice people...wait till he goes to work and run for your life. If you love him so much then it would be a gift from you to leave him and give him a chance to think about his life and what he is doing and sort out his own mess. He will never see those things when he thinks you are standing by his side doesnt matter what he does.
Tamfana Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 While I myself said I don't approve of OP's boyfriend's behaviour, I DO NOT THINK telling them to break up is a good idea. It's always easy to tell a couple to break up just because one of them messed up at some point, but coming from a guy who was at both end of the spectrum, I strongly suggest OP to have a conversation with your partner about this, with a calm tone. Just ask him these two questions: 1/ Is it true that you don't need me anymore? 2/ Is it true that you value and love your mistress more than me (and our family)? If his answer is YES, then just break up. If his answer is NO, then I believe EVERYONE deserves a second chance. In fact, being tolerant and giving our partners a second chance is also an expression of LOVE. And sometimes, giving our partners a second chance also means giving ourselves a second chance, too. I feel sick reading all the comments trying to convince OP that walking away is the only option. Get a hold of yourselves, people. Oh no, this is a recipe for a protracted relationship with a liar. He's already deceived you. He's been having an ongoing relationship with someone else and you know that now. Of course he's going to tell you the good things, the things to make you stay. He's already been doing and saying the things to make you stay so that won't change. Don't waste any more time on this guy. By necessity, women in their late 20's and early 30's are deciding how important it is to them to have children and a family. There's little time to screw around with game-players and liars. I don't know whether children and a family are a priority for you, but if they are a priority, how many months and years would you want to spend with someone who has so severely damaged the trust between you?
Malin889 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 You just reminded me of a text, I don’t know how I forgot it. He told her that he misses what they could have and how he wishes he could give her what she wants in more way than one. And she asked “like sex?” And he said “I would hope more than that” Something along those lines, I’ve no idea how I completely forgot that part. You need to leave him. Based on that text alone proves that he wants to be with her. Sorry if that hurts your feelings.
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 But like I asked earlier, is it just a immaturity in the moment kind of thing, or is it deeper than this? If everything was possible would he want her instead? You love him but he loves her, more then he loves you. this was not a spur of the moment thing. They didn't randomly bump into each other have a drink & things got out of control. This was a deliberate choice. He's with you because he can't have her & you said relationship or nothing when you initially hooked up at that party. I doubt this will survive. In your shoes even if he stayed & stopped talking to her, I would always have lingering doubts that I was second best. 1
Author RavenHairr Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 You love him but he loves her, more then he loves you. this was not a spur of the moment thing. They didn't randomly bump into each other have a drink & things got out of control. This was a deliberate choice. He's with you because he can't have her & you said relationship or nothing when you initially hooked up at that party. I doubt this will survive. In your shoes even if he stayed & stopped talking to her, I would always have lingering doubts that I was second best. Why do you think he loves her? Could it be just missing her? I don’t want to be in denial but I want to understand. If he really does love her that means he never loved or will love me. The relationship is over.
Recommended Posts