Tamfana Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Okay it seems like a lot of people don’t think it counts as cheating? What is it then? Immaturity? What does it matter? All that matters is whether you are okay with it. Are you? You decide what kind of relationship you want, and only you. The analysis and labelling process doesn't change facts or change what you want in a partner. What are the lease and utility arrangements?
lurker74 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Okay it seems like a lot of people don’t think it counts as cheating? What is it then? Immaturity? It's not about whether you label it cheating or not. Pictures and sexting and reminiscing about past sexual encounters secretly sure seems cut and dry to me, but the label is not the important part. The part that is important is that he is putting energy into someone who is not part of the relationship and that steals from you. Plenty of people confront this type of behavior and move on from it, together, but no one moves on from it without confronting it. If you do not confront it, it will almost assuredly become physical since his ex now represents the perfect fantasy. She doesn't ask for help with bills or cleaning...she doesn't mind that he isn't always available. She's just a sexual, perfected object in his mind...you cannot compete with such a fantasy. But be prepared, when you confront, he will beg and plead to work on it...tell you that it wasn't anything...promise to never do it again. And there is a decent chance that he will be sincere. But if he doesn't have ACTUAL remorse, he will probably regress, so you can't just accept his words. There have to be actions behind those words, including showing you the text where he tells her it's over and that it will never happen again and to please delete his number (along with blocking her on everything). Short of that, I would not remain if I were you because the fantasy will be just too enticing. Good luck.
AriesDude Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Okay it seems like a lot of people don’t think it counts as cheating? What is it then? Immaturity? uhm? Who said its not cheating? IT IS. 1000%. Only an idiot will tell you it's not. Try to think of it this way if you want You and your bf go on a date at a fancy restaurant and sitting near your table is a pretty girl in a lovely dress...every 5 minutes during your date your bf stands up and sits at the other girl's table then makes her laugh and kisses her then comes back to your table. Would that be okay to you? That is basically what he is doing right now...I really hope that is not okay in your books.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 My issue would be that he’s still hung up on her (he listens to sad heartbreak music sometimes) and that I’m a rebound. I don’t know if rebounds last a year though. But it’s not a sign that he loves me. It’s his place, he owns it. I pay half the bills, trips, dates, etc
Normm Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I am really sorry my philosophy made you feel this way. Please know that I adore women in a very healthy and good way This is the second thread I've been reading today where one or more posters have commented on your obvious gender bias against women and how the guy has to be strong and Alpha and all of that. You strike me as being very insecure and bitter towards women while proclaiming the exact opposite. 2
AriesDude Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 My issue would be that he’s still hung up on her (he listens to sad heartbreak music sometimes) and that I’m a rebound. I don’t know if rebounds last a year though. But it’s not a sign that he loves me. It’s his place, he owns it. I pay half the bills, trips, dates, etc Who cares how long they last? As soon as you find out you are one you should run away very far. "But it’s not a sign that he loves me" so.....there is your answer!!!. He doesnt and he never will. He will only tell you he loves as long as he can take you to bed...but yeah if thats how you want to live, good luck.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 Who cares how long they last? As soon as you find out you are one you should run away very far. "But it’s not a sign that he loves me" so.....there is your answer!!!. He doesnt and he never will. He will only tell you he loves as long as he can take you to bed...but yeah if thats how you want to live, good luck. No, that’s not how I want to live at all. I feel humiliated. Why is he still with me then?
bathtub-row Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 What difference does it make what label you give it? Do you really want to be with a guy who is confessing to another woman that she’s the one who really lights his fire? It’s time to pull your head out of the sand. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t say a word to him about it at all. I’d just break up with him and give him no reason whatsoever. That’s basically what he deserves. 1
bathtub-row Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 No, that’s not how I want to live at all. I feel humiliated. Why is he still with me then? You’re asking a question that has a very uninteresting answer. People stay because they don’t like to disrupt their lives. They stay because leaving their current situation is risky and most people don’t like risk. But, really, he’s obviously not staying because of his undying love for you and that’s all you need to know. And now this awesome man has made you feel humiliated. One more strike and he’s out.
AriesDude Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Why is he still with me then? ....because....you didnt break his nose and take your stuff and move out yet? I feel like that was a trick question. Move out...soon He is only using you for your body and will keep doing that for the next 50 years until you are 60 with 5 children and alone unless you move out, Yeah im done here. Good luck girl 1
LittleLuu Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 It took her to say wouldn’t that be cheating and he still wanted to meet her for coffee. It’s not just about sex, just because he said he’s happy with you doesn’t mean he’s happier with you than he was with her. Getting involved with someone that soon after a break up let alone a bad one is a recipe for disaster; I have seen it so many times with male friends and colleagues, any of them who kept in contact with their exes ended up back with them. I steer clear of anyone who recently been through a breakup or still have contact with an ex. This is a horrible situation for you and I am sure you do feel sick, I would too but honestly I would confront him, end things and move out. 1
Tamfana Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 No, that’s not how I want to live at all. I feel humiliated. Why is he still with me then? Because he was getting away with it. He's been dishonest and sleazy. I'm sorry. It hurts. It's dizzying to discover that someone you trust hasn't deserved that trust, a real punch in the gut. The only good news that the place is his so you wouldn't be harmed financially if you move out. My daughter had to pay off a lease after she discovered her exBF was stealing from her. He refused to move out so she moved out, and because she was the tenant she was on the hook for the rent so she paid off the last 3 months of the lease. Ugh. It's good that you're not in that situation. 1
manfrombelow2 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) Because people are just greedy? Because why would he give up his comfort zone where he has the best of both worlds? A [partner] who loves and takes care of him and another mistress to have sexual fantasies (or even real physical sex) with? Because he's selfish? No, that’s not how I want to live at all. I feel humiliated. Why is he still with me then? Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Clarify term
smackie9 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Yes he can be happy with you, but also can desire another...he just can. Like I said I suspect this isn't the first time he has done this in a relationship. Better to find out now rather than years down the road with children and a marriage.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 No, that’s not how I want to live at all. I feel humiliated. Why is he still with me then? Probably because she won't have him.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 Probably because she won't have him. You just reminded me of a text, I don’t know how I forgot it. He told her that he misses what they could have and how he wishes he could give her what she wants in more way than one. And she asked “like sex?” And he said “I would hope more than that” Something along those lines, I’ve no idea how I completely forgot that part.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Based on this data, your partner's mind seemed to have always longed for the other girl, while his body might be with you. It is not fair you're being treated this way. Like I said, once a commitment has been made, cheating is unacceptable and just pure wrong. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. And as a man, I personally loathe weak and beta guys like your partner. You just reminded me of a text, I don’t know how I forgot it. He told her that he misses what they could have and how he wishes he could give her what she wants in more way than one. And she asked “like sex?” And he said “I would hope more than that” Something along those lines, I’ve no idea how I completely forgot that part. 1
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 You just reminded me of a text, I don’t know how I forgot it. He told her that he misses what they could have and how he wishes he could give her what she wants in more way than one. And she asked “like sex?” And he said “I would hope more than that” Something along those lines, I’ve no idea how I completely forgot that part. You didn't want to acknowledge it, it didn't fit the script you had already written in your head in order to forgive him and all would be hunky dory again. Here on LS you have had to face reality and those words now resonate and their significance has sunk in.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 You just reminded me of a text, I don’t know how I forgot it. He told her that he misses what they could have and how he wishes he could give her what she wants in more way than one. And she asked “like sex?” And he said “I would hope more than that” Something along those lines, I’ve no idea how I completely forgot that part. Your relationship is as good as over, OP. There is no future with a guy like this. His heart and mind are not with you. 1
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 You didn't want to acknowledge it, it didn't fit the script you had already written in your head in order to forgive him and all would be hunky dory again. Here on LS you have had to face reality and those words now resonate and their significance has sunk in. You mean that it’s not just sexual with him? I’m prepared for any truths, hit me with them cause everything is conflicting to me now. I’m lost, he tells her that then says “yeah I’m happy now though.”
ExpatInItaly Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 You mean that it’s not just sexual with him? I’m prepared for any truths, hit me with them cause everything is conflicting to me now. I’m lost, he tells her that then says “yeah I’m happy now though.” Based on what you have reported here, no, it's not just sexual. He says he's happy, but really, his words are hollow because they're not supported by his behaviour. People who are genuinely happy usually don't go around jeopardizing their happiness by doing things that could blow it right up. I would be done. No question. I don't date men who behave like this. If you are wise, you will get rid of him. He's not the man you hoped. 3
bathtub-row Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I can’t imagine why you’d be conflicted about this. You’re giving way too much importance to his “I’m happy” comment. It doesn’t matter. He’s playing with another woman. Raise your standards or all you’ll ever end up with are cheaters and you making excuses for them. 1
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 I can’t imagine why you’d be conflicted about this. You’re giving way too much importance to his “I’m happy” comment. It doesn’t matter. He’s playing with another woman. Raise your standards or all you’ll ever end up with are cheaters and you making excuses for them. I won’t, I hope not. It’s just that somehow obsessing about his ex just sexually seem bearable than obsessing about her emotionally. I could somehow think it’s like him watching porn or something. I know both are BAD, but if he still has deep feelings for her that upsets me more. We talk about marriage, kids, the future in general.
olivetree Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 What bathtub said. You're focusing so much on him loving you. What about what you deserve? Don't let a fear of being alone make you accept a crappy relationship. And yes, this is super, super crappy.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 What bathtub said. You're focusing so much on him loving you. What about what you deserve? Don't let a fear of being alone make you accept a crappy relationship. And yes, this is super, super crappy. Right. You’re right. His ex fiancée left him cause she suspected he was cheating. He admitted the situation she found about didn’t make him look so well. He had his coworker at their home at midnight (fiancée was visiting family abroad) and sat on the couch with him with his fiancée blanket over her and a cup of tea and he took pictures. He says nothing happened cause that coworker is married. Anyway his ex didn’t believe him and they broke up. 1
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