RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year, we live together and things are stable, or at least I thought so, Few days ago I was holding his phone while he was bouldering and I saw he received a text and I could see from the notification who it was. His ex. I opened it cause what she was saying disturbed me. They’ve been texting for a few weeks and mostly about sex. All they did together and loved, all they miss, how she makes him so turned on and fits his sexual needs so much. They exchanged pictures too. In one of the texts they actually talk about meeting for sex. Then I come up. He tells her he’s HAPPY with me but she still lights up his fire like crazy. I don’t think she agreed to hook up cause she said wouldn’t that be cheating or something like that I don’t remember what she wrote exactly. Then he says I don’t think I would cheat, it’s just a desire and how they could still just meet for a normal coffee. Also I know he follows her on all social media and watching all her videos and pictures. I haven’t told him I know cause I’m so afraid of hearing what he has to say. Does this count as cheating? Is it a sign the relationship is over? Does he even love me? Help. I wanted to add that I met him 2 months after they broke up. I know it was a tough breakup. Edited January 8, 2019 by RavenHairr
ExpatInItaly Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 This would be a dealbreaker for me. A man who does this has no respect for you and is not worth the heartache. 3
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 It's not cheating . . . yet . . . but it's damn close. You have to tell him what you read. You two haven't been dating long enough to be living together. You moved too fast. You are a rebound. He prefers her. Take responsibility for your own situation by owning those facts. 1
manfrombelow2 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 If you both agreed to get into an exclusive relationship, then your boyfriend's behaviour is not acceptable. If I were you, I would never approve of that. Seems to me your man is quite weak and feminine by still investing a certain amount of energy into his ex, instead of focusing 100% into YOU, the woman that nobody forced him to get into a relationship together in the first place, but he did it on his free will. Your man lacks the dignity a true alpha should have. And I'm not surprised if one day you find out they have been having sex. My advice is you should give him the pass this one time, have a serious conversation with him. If he truly loves you, he'll know what to do to keep you and the relationship, that's why he deserves one chance.
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Seems to me your man is quite weak and feminine . I don't see where the sexting has gender. You often ascribe gender characteristics to behavior. I find that polarizing. 1
manfrombelow2 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 You got me wrong. It's not the sexting has gender or not, it's the fact that a man who is currently in a relationship with a woman (as far as I might assume, nobody put a gun to his head to force him to get into this relationship) still spends time and energy thinking about his ex to the point of sexting, that's weak and feminine energy right there. A strong, alpha man with dignity never does things like that once he has agreed to commit, because that's just wrong. Alpha guys don't hurt their women. That's what I meant. I don't see where the sexting has gender. You often ascribe gender characteristics to behavior. I find that polarizing. 1
AriesDude Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Yea what thaygiaogiang said pretty much sums it up. It's one of the most pathetic things you can ever do to your own gf. He probably already cheated on you physically but he is 100% emotionally cheating on you. No man on earth would do that if he was in love with you. So glad I dont date people that is still in touch with their exes. Kinda shocked you didnt already break his nose and his phone and change your number and begin moving on with your life...get on that as soon as possible or you will be in for years of pain. 2
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 that's weak and feminine energy right there. I am getting a bit fed up of you assigning every negative trait as being "feminine energy". 9 1
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 It is patently obvious he was never over his ex, before he got into a relationship with you. You were the rebound and now he is back trying to get her interested again. Pack up and go, or tell him to go. There is nothing for you here, just more heartache I am afraid. 2
manfrombelow2 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I am really sorry my philosophy made you feel this way. Please know that I adore women in a very healthy and good way, by encouraging guys to learn and grow to become true alpha men, because only alpha men know how to create and maintain a stable & meaningful relationship with their women. I am getting a bit fed up of you assigning every negative trait as being "feminine energy". 1
Redhead14 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) Seems to me, he's playing both of you women. He's keeping her on a string in case things don't work out with you and/or she decides she's OK with cheating. Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Remove full quote of starting post 2
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 It is patently obvious he was never over his ex, before he got into a relationship with you. You were the rebound and now he is back trying to get her interested again. Pack up and go, or tell him to go. There is nothing for you here, just more heartache I am afraid. I thought it was just sex he’s obsessing over now, you think he actually wants her back like a relationship? I feel sick.
smackie9 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (edited) OK so most people would have confronted and end the relationship. What are you trying to find? Someone to convince you that this is a phase and he just lost emotionally? maybe you could do some magic to get them to stop? maybe you weren't good enough for him and could make things better? come on you know where this is at. As heartbreaking as it is, your BF has no boundaries or respect for you. What they are doing is just getting started...and once the flame is really lit all hell ya things are gonna start happening. This is just terrible, you deserve better than this. Just confront him and then kick him to the curb. My spidie senses are telling me they broke up because he was doing what likr he is doin now, with another chick and she found out. Edited January 8, 2019 by smackie9 1
lurker74 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 It's not cheating . . . yet . . . but it's damn close. You have to tell him what you read. You two haven't been dating long enough to be living together. You moved too fast. You are a rebound. He prefers her. Take responsibility for your own situation by owning those facts. I disagree. I think it is cheating. Cheating doesn't always have to involve genitals. 7
olivetree Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 This is 100% cheating. It's a myth that it needs to be a physical act. Cheating in a dating relationship (not married, no kids) should always be a deal-breaker, IMO. 4
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I thought it was just sex he’s obsessing over now, you think he actually wants her back like a relationship? I feel sick. I'm so sorry that you feel physically ill. It doesn't really matter if he wants her back for a full on relationship or he just wants to have sex with her. He's still not giving you his full attention & at least part of him wants her more of certain things. You deserve a partner who wants ALL of you in all ways all the time. Here he's settling for you because he can't have her. Reclaim your power. Stop living with him. Undo whatever legal ties you have together -- the lease, bills etc. & go find a new Bf who is all in but learn from this. Do not move in with somebody until after you have dated them for more then one full year.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 So was he lying about his feelings for me? He even told her he’s happy with me. I don’t get it.
Hollywood-Tourist Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 This would be a dealbreaker for me. A man who does this has no respect for you and is not worth the heartache. I've very recently gone through similar and agree with this reply.
Tamfana Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 So was he lying about his feelings for me? He even told her he’s happy with me. I don’t get it. Well, sure he's happy. He gets you and the benefits of living with someone plus the bonus of screwing around emotionally behind your back. How old are the two of you? Have either of you been married before?
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 Well, sure he's happy. He gets you and the benefits of living with someone plus the bonus of screwing around emotionally behind your back. How old are the two of you? Have either of you been married before? He’s 33 and I’m 31. No, but he’s been engaged a while ago to another ex.
Tamfana Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 He’s 33 and I’m 31. No, but he’s been engaged a while ago to another ex. Okay. At that age he ought to know better. I'd just tell him that I know he's sexting and what's the deal? Then I'd watch and listen to his response. If he tries to make excuses or blame-shift, I'd ask how he would feel about your doing the same with someone, anyone. 1
Malin889 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I thought it was just sex he’s obsessing over now, you think he actually wants her back like a relationship? I feel sick. It doesn’t matter which one he wants, he shouldn’t be doing either! Is talking to her ok? No.
normal person Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Call it cheating or not, if it's enough to make you want to leave him, you'd be totally justified in doing so. He's shown you the kind of person he is. I wouldn't tolerate it, but that's just me.
Author RavenHairr Posted January 8, 2019 Author Posted January 8, 2019 Okay it seems like a lot of people don’t think it counts as cheating? What is it then? Immaturity?
edgygirl Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 This is total emotional cheating. I personally am more offended and hurt by emotional cheating than the act of sex per se. He's betraying your trust. I am so sorry you're going through this but you seem to want to rationalize the whole thing, I get it, but he's basically a cheater. We don't know what's in his heart but he got the hots for her. It seems like you should have a serious talk with him about this, when you are calm and not angry, and try to gauge what's behind it (sexual fantasy only?) and if you're okay with whatever he responds. Of course he might lie to make you stay with him. Only you know what you are able to accept. Overall it doesn't look that good, despite him saying he's happy with you. Will you accept that when you're happily married he still sexts his exes? With a man like this I would always be wondering... Okay it seems like a lot of people don’t think it counts as cheating? What is it then? Immaturity? 1
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