Ae85 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I'm seeing a guy who has a partner of 10 years and a child. He says one of them often sleeps in the spare bedroom and that they lead fairly separate lives. They have come close to breaking up over the past few years but have stayed together for the kid's sake. I am separated and am not looking for a serious relationship; however, I am starting to feel something for this man and I'm wondering how much longer this can continue. He messages me every day without fail and we share inside jokes, links to articles and discuss many topics besides the incredible sex we're having. My issue is that I'm scared the longer this goes on, the more invested I will feel and will ultimately get hurt, as I don't believe it's likely he would leave his partner. The fact that this can't go anywhere is bothering me, even though on paper it's exactly what I wanted given my own situation - waiting for my divorce to come through. I've never been so sexually attracted to someone, but there is also a strong intellectual bond. Plus, we can laugh about a lot of stuff. What to do? Just keep seeing him and not think about it too much? I always look forward to his texts, but I'm wondering if the daily contact is making it more difficult. I am also wondering whether he is genuinely enjoying the humour/banter/intellectual discussions, or whether it's all a ploy to keep me on side and interested. Cynical? Perhaps.
kxpxsc3 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 If you think you are at risk of getting emotionally involved with this man, then my advice is simple: run. Run far far away. I know I probably wouldn't have listened to any advice at the beginning of my involvement with MM, but trust that you will save yourself a mountain of heartache, disappointment, and hurt if you walk away now. Yea, sometimes they leave their partners for OW, but this is the exception. Read over and over similar stories on here of OW waiting months and years for a man to leave... but there is always an excuse... they will leave after the school year is over, after April, after the summer is over, now it's too cold to leave because it's winter, but now the dog died, then the in-laws are visiting... I wish I could go back to the beginning and tell my MM to contact me when he figures out his situation and divorce papers are signed. 3
elaine567 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Forgetting the fact he has a partner and child, you have chosen for a fwb a man who you find attractive not only sexually but in other ways too and that is a bad idea for you, as you are getting emotionally attached. You are going to get very hurt here. He won't leave his partner and you like so many here will spend time pining for a man, and a relationship that will never be. Meanwhile he is as happy as Larry with two besotted women in tow... he is "da man". 4
somanymistakes Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 What to do? Just keep seeing him and not think about it too much? I always look forward to his texts, but I'm wondering if the daily contact is making it more difficult. I am also wondering whether he is genuinely enjoying the humour/banter/intellectual discussions, or whether it's all a ploy to keep me on side and interested. Cynical? Perhaps. I doubt he's sitting there calculatedly thinking "I will pretend to enjoy talking to her so that she'll sleep with me." Usually it's more complicated than that. There's hormones, there's excitement, the chemicals are sparking for both of you, it's natural for him to enjoy contact with you. He might also add a "right, I should remember to talk to her once a day to be a Good Boyfriend" in his mental notes, but that isn't in itself a bad thing. The problem is, as you say, that this is exactly what he's looking for. A connection with someone who is fun and exciting for him and who won't pressure him to leave his partner and child (who may or may not have any idea that he's sleeping around). You say you're not looking for serious relationship, but you also feel frustrated that this can't be a serious relationship... your head and your heart are not quite in alignment. And that has the potential to cause problems for you. Basically, this is double red flags. 1 - You intended to have a fun fling while getting through your divorce, but you're lonely and emotionally latching on to (I think?) the very first guy you started seeing. Even if he were available this is often a bad idea, because your emotional vulnerability can blind you, get you in too fast, and lead to a crash. 2 - You're falling for someone that YOU KNOW can only possibly lead to heartbreak if you get too attached because he ain't available. Even if you yourself were not in a bad situation, this would generally be a bad idea. The safest thing to do, depending on your personal tastes and emotional state, would either be to recognise that you're apparently not quite ready to navigate these waters and stop dating for a while, OR to date a bunch of other people, remind yourself not to fixate on just one right now. 2
eastdean Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 How sincere he is. There's a well established OM playbook and it sounds like he's checking off many of the boxes. You won't really know til you know. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I am also wondering whether he is genuinely enjoying the humour/banter/intellectual discussions, or whether it's all a ploy to keep me on side and interested. Cynical? Perhaps. He's forced his partner into an open relationship without her consent. He's cheating on the mother of his child. This is probably all you need to know about his character. 4
BaileyB Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 You are considering deepening your relationship with a man who is ultimately not available to have a relationship with you. That doesn't seem like a wise decision. Read some of the other posts here, it's highly likely that he is still having sex and sleeping in the same bed with this woman every night. His statement that they sometimes sleep in other rooms, lead separate lives, and they basically stay together for the child is from the first page of the cheaters handbook. And, you fell for it... No questions asked. 4
Wallysbears Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Ask yourself why you only value yourself enough to be involved with a man that is currently in a relationship, living with, and has children with another woman. Why is that something you are willing to be, as a person? Seconds for someone else? 4
DKT3 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I doubt he's sitting there calculatedly thinking "I will pretend to enjoy talking to her so that she'll sleep with me." Usually it's more complicated than that. There's hormones, there's excitement, the chemicals are sparking for both of you, it's natural for him to enjoy contact with you. He might also add a "right, I should remember to talk to her once a day to be a Good Boyfriend" in his mental notes, but that isn't in itself a bad thing. unfortunately this is false...I would say that a very large percentage of alive males have done that very thing along the lines. 2
ABernie Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 What is his status? Is he sleeping with his partner still? If he is, I think this will 100% lead to hurt. If they are living two lives, sometimes our paths take us somewhere that we didn't expect and even if you end up hurt, it was a journey you sometimes need to take. I know that's VERY unpopular here and will be seen as entitled, but just MHO.
Aloha123 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Hi --I thought i could handle it too but before long was in way over my head and here I am almost 2 years later caught in a vicious cycle of highs and lows from which I am seemingly unable to extract myself. I know you probably won't listen (I know I would not have). One thing you will have going for you, having found this forum from the beginning, at least you will know what you are getting yourself into and won't be caught off guard as the script plays itself out in the way it always does.
Aloha123 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Oh yeah, there is one more point I wanted to add. While most MM exaggerate or even downright lie about their sex life with their wife, I do want to add that it IS possible for a married couple to find themselves in a situation where they sleep in separate bedrooms and never have sex -- I am personally living out that reality! So not all men who say they are not having sex with their wives are lying. (In my instance, my MM has made no such insinuations, just to be clear. In fact, I think they have sex all the time. He has also been very honest from the beginning that he has no plans to leave his marriage. So I'm not making this point about sexless marriages in order to justify or rationalize any representations that the MM has made to me on the topic)
madi1031 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 This is the exact situation I am In... however my mm is in the process of leaving his wife because she found out. It has been the hardest 2 months of my life...I have Been seeing him for over two years. I was Still married when we started seeing each other and I had The same thoughts... I didnt want to get heavily involved with someone but we texted and talked about everything and he became my best friend. I love him. I tried To date others but I could Only think of him. I think The relationship your married man has with his wife will tell a lot. Do they still have sex? My mm and his wife stopped years ago and he really was staying for the kids. No dates no vacations together if it wasn’t about the kids. If I had It all to do over again I would Have asked him more questions about his marriage. I always Felt I couldnt... but now we talk about everything and he tells me about every step of the divorce process. It is HARD. I hate That I did This to another woman. I struggle with guilt and shame. I wish we would have realized That him leaving even when his kids are young would still have been better than her finding out. So ask questions. Be honest and open. I sooooo understand the not wanting a serious relationship. Do you have kids?
DKT3 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 (In my instance, my MM has made no such insinuations, just to be clear. In fact, I think they have sex all the time. He has also been very honest from the beginning that he has no plans to leave his marriage. So I'm not making this point about sexless marriages in order to justify or rationalize any representations that the MM has made to me on the topic) No doubt, the odd thing is, from my experience those men in sexless marriage are the most faithful, devoted guys...otherwise they bolt. 1
Aloha123 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 No doubt, the odd thing is, from my experience those men in sexless marriage are the most faithful, devoted guys...otherwise they bolt. You know -- that very thought occurred to me. My husband could not hurt a fly and would NEVER EVER cheat. He also happens to have the lowest sex drive of any man I have ever met in my life -- I don't think the lack of sex bothers him -- he thinks it's just normal for 2 people who have known each other as long as we have. Conversely, I think a lot of MM who have affairs do so despite a decent sex life at home. Their high libido/sex addiction is actually what fuels both. From my own experience as well as what I have read on here, I do believe that a majority of MW who have affairs did have unsatisfying sex lives with their husband to begin with, which is part of what drives them to the affair, AT FIRST, and then of course they become emotionally attached, become even less attracted to their husband, and it's a vicious downward spiral from there. For the MW, it's lose/lose For the MM, it's win/win
DKT3 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 There are alot of gender based realities when it comes to affairs. Men have no need to discount or disregard their wives to justify it, women do. they usually have a long list of "reasons " why the husband is undeserving and unattractive, from the genuine to the absolutely ridiculous. Once met a guy who's wife included his cat allergies as a reason she cheated. 1
PhoenixRising8 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 (edited) I'm almost 10 months in and have been working towards going NC the last month or so, not entirely successfully as my MM keeps insisting I am the love of his life and he is working towards leaving his wife. My best advice - RUN don't WALK!!!! Like you, I didn't want someone available because I wanted to have something without the strings attached. Somewhere along the line, I developed very strong feelings for my MM. But we were both married so I knew it wasn't going to happen. We agreed at the outset we were not intending to leave our spouses. 3 months in, I left my spouse, not because of MM but because the marriage was irreparable and my ex made it impossible for me to stay with him any longer. Soon after, MM said he wanted us "between now and forever" (quote from a country song - corny but true). He started to talk about leaving his wife. In August, she went away for 3 weeks and we essentially lived together during that time. When she came back in September, he told her he didn't love her, didn't miss her and wanted a separation. I believed he really wanted to be with me, as he said. The last 4 months have been hell. He has gone back and forth daily. He is still where he always has been - at home. He is now going to Hawaii with her end of January to "prove it's dead" when all he really has to do is just pack and leave but he hasn't done that. He has used every excuse in the book, which I have debunked, to no avail. I am now out of the country and he still is messaging how much he loves me and misses me but isn't quite ready to "pull the trigger". I have said repeatedly to him that he is hurting both his wife and me by dragging this out and planning a trip to no avail. I've even told he he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. Nothing seems to resonate. It's all about what he wants. My MM has adult children but he uses them as an excuse. An MM with small kids is worse IMO. They will tell you whatever they think you want to hear but until they leave, it's all just words. On the one hand, he says he doesn't want to lose me but by his actions, he proves losing me and us is acceptable. Maybe he doesn't believe I could walk away but he is mistaken. I am no longer emotional at the thought of walking away. He hasn't figured out that is a sign I am ready. He'll figure that out soon enough. I chose an affair to fill a void and pull myself out from the depths of despair and depression in an effort to remain in my marriage. My marriage is well and truly done now so I no longer need him. But I still love him and I'm working on unloving him. MM is by his words in a loveless, lifeless, sexless marriage (I'm fairly certain it is sexless) despite which he can't pull the trigger to be with the "love of his life". What does that tell you? A marriage erodes over time because people stop nurturing it and communicating. They don't deal with the issues. They stop talking, stop arguing, stop solving problems. Instead of dealing with issues head on and moving forward, they chose the unhealthy route of going outside the marriage. They will deal with issues with any partner the same way unless they do some serious introspection and realize their contribution to the breakdown. I'm fairly sure my MM has not considered his part in the destruction of his marriage and so I doubt he would deal with us any differently. I've already seen glimpses of his ability to shut down. This is actually helping me to put closure to it. I don't want another toxic union. Already had one of those. All that to say, if you aren't too emotionally attached to a flawed man who will lie and cheat to his SO, rather than work towards resolving issues maturely, run as fast as you can. And if you are emotionally attached, figure out how to get unattached because the odds of a happy ending, whatever that means, are slim to none. Even if he leaves her, will he behave any differently with you? Likely not. Good luck! If you want my full story, it's on the first page - Never thought I'd be an OW Edited January 9, 2019 by LilKatKat 1
somanymistakes Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 unfortunately this is false...I would say that a very large percentage of alive males have done that very thing along the lines. The simplest explanation that fits the facts is usually correct. This is a brand-new relationship. It's highly likely that the MM is currently excited by being with the OP, because she's the new shiny strange. That's how brain chemistry works! And when you have a new attraction to someone, you generally want to spend time with them, talk to them, dress up for them, get interested in things they're interested in. Again, that is just how biology works! There's no reason to imagine that the guy is Machiavelli. Now, a guy who sweet-talks you until he gets you into bed and then ignores you afterward? Then the evidence would be totally different.
brokenheart4ever Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 run as fast as you can, and do not look back. change your phone number, move, do not allow him to weasle himself back in. He is playing you, if his wife found out and push came to shove he most likely would throw you under the bus and patch things up with his wife. My ex-MM and i dated for 10 years (im stupid, trust me I got burned and learned) he told his wife everything, threw me under the bus and lied. and has disappeared ever since (thank goodness he disappeared, i hear they usually weasle themselves back once the waters calm down at home. The one thing I have learned about being in this situation, is that you cant trust these lose bobbleheads... they dont give a crap about us. in the end they only care about their homes,cars and money. we are replaceable. always. i wish you well. run as fast as you can, do not look BACK
Author Ae85 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 Wow, I didn't expect to get so many replies! Thank you, all. To clarify a couple of things: I don't have children, and do not want any. I wasn't looking to get involved with anyone and have been out with other men, but no one has sparked my interest or attraction like him. It certainly came out of left field. We are meeting tomorrow for a drink (and only that!) and I am going to get some of this out in the open. I am definitely leaning towards ending it before I get in too deep. Stay tuned...
Author Ae85 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 Also, he is not married for the record.
BaileyB Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Also, he is not married for the record. No, but he has a partner (who he lives with) and they share a child. If he didn't want to have a partner, he wouldn't be living with her. Plenty of people live separately and coparent, he could certainly do that too. He certainly bears the responsibility for his own decisions, but do you really want to be the woman that came between this child's parents? I don't think so... what would that say about you and your character?
Author Ae85 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 No, but he has a partner (who he lives with) and they share a child. If he didn't want to have a partner, he wouldn't be living with her. Plenty of people live separately and coparent, he could certainly do that too. He certainly bears the responsibility for his own decisions, but do you really want to be the woman that came between this child's parents? I don't think so... what would that say about you and your character? I'm not saying that makes it any "better", and I do not appreciate the judgement of my character. However, I agree that he could definitely co-parent and live separately and the fact that he doesn't is a big deal.
BaileyB Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I'm not saying that makes it any "better", and I do not appreciate the judgement of my character. It felt like it was implied in your clarification. If that was not your intent, my apology. I did not actually pass judgment on your character, I simply asked the question. The only person who can answer that question, and who's opinion matters, is yourself.
Author Ae85 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 I clarified because people were using the acronym MM which I'm guessing is married man. To be honest, I do not feel guilty (not to say that I am totally fine with it, either!). If anyone is feeling guilty it would be him. I'm not cheating on anyone. And his family situation has nothing to do with me. Probably controversial to think that way, but that's how it is.
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