The_Wanderer Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 I've been seeing this girl for a couple of months and over the course of those few months leading into January, I noticed a gradual shift in her behavior which originally struck me as her loss of interest in me. Yesterday I approached her calmly about my concern to which she at first hesitated to tell, but then revealed it had nothing to do with me as she has recently been diagnosed with moderate depression and anxiety. Having been down that road in the past, I was concerned and asked her if there was anything in particular that she felt was causing her mental illness, to which she said she doesn't know and as of right now feels nothing towards anything and is unmotivated to do anything. As we spoke more, I reaffirmed to her that I am here for her and asked if maybe we can spend more time together doing something to get her mind off things to which she replied that she didn't want to see anyone right now including friends. We are both in our early 20's going to university and working part-time. Going forward, I'm not sure what I should do. She said she doesn't want to drag me down while she is working on getting better, but I also do care for her a lot and want to be there for her. It's hard because she won't text me if I don't text first and like she stated above, she wants to keep to herself. I'm inexperienced with something like this and am at a loss of what I can do for myself and for her.
smackie9 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Sorry but there isn't anything you can do. You are not her therapist, and you most certainly would not want to be cause up in a codependency type relationship. You do not want her to be her only source of happiness...it's unhealthy. She need medical help, therapy, and she needs to do this for herself. In other words she isn't ready to be in a committed relationship at this time until she sorts herself and condition out. 1
Garcon1986 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 You are about to take arms up against an extremely difficult enemy to defeat. Depression eats away at a soul, and eats away at everyone else who tries to care for the person. The utmost first thing is to care about her safety. She must not be allowed to have access to anything that she could hurt herself with. Second, is to figure out if she is using it as a cloak to say she wants to break up with you. Third, is to steel yourself for the hardest challenge you ever met. Some days you will be talking in circles. Other days, you will talk like she never even remembered what you told her the day before. Other days she will be crying, mad, temperamental - you name it, the full spectrum of human emotions. You'll have to be there for her, through all of it. Who knows if she will be grateful for it through all that emotion. The reward is far away, and the road is long and difficult, with no end in sight. Mentally ask yourself if you are ready for it - then go for it full force, with all your might.
AmyHershaw Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 It's a challenging situation to be in. She is probably wanting to distance herself from you and others, because she doesn't want to feel like she is burdening anyone with her problems. Coming from personal experience, having struggled with my mental health for a couple of years, someone suffering with depression isolating themselves won't be beneficial. When you are on your own, you are left to your own thoughts and the more you think about how much you are struggling, the worse it becomes. Has she considered seeking counselling? Although it doesn't help everyone, it is worth attempting it when there is a possibility it might. Speak to her about it if she hasn't. It is paramount you let her know you will support her no matter what, it will be all she is wanting to hear from you as she might be afraid that she is pushing you away. Best of luck to you and your girlfriend, I hope her mental state improves soon. 2
mortensorchid Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 She said she was diagnosed with it. That means she is going to a therapist. This is the first major step towards getting better. Is she on meds? If no, she needs to get on them now. Is she one of those people who goes to a shrink but refuses to take meds? If so she needs to get over that. There is a lot of stigma around taking meds (ex. Prozac) because people are ashamed to admit that they are on them or ashamed of what others can and will think of them. Depression is a medical condition. It cannot be seen or experienced like physical illness and misunderstood. People think that by taking meds that they are making the true self. Well, we never seem to accuse people of things like that when we are binge drinking or using recreational drugs (legal or illegal). And what if I told you that Prozac can help you loose weight? First time users can drop 20-25 lbs due to the changes in increased hormone production. If you took the pills, scraped the word Paxil or the like off of them, put another name on them, then marketed them as weight loss drugs, sales with quadruple overnight. No questions asked. So of she has any of these preconceived opinions about taking meds, tell her this is the arguement for them. She WILL get better if she takes them. As to what YOU can do about it? Not much but make the arguement that she should go to a shrink and get on meds. If she refuses to do so? You have to respect that decision but also realize there is only so much you can or can't do. Some people refuse to get better or take steps in order to do so, then she can rot in her own filth because that's what she chooses to do. Facts.
Author The_Wanderer Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 It's a challenging situation to be in. She is probably wanting to distance herself from you and others, because she doesn't want to feel like she is burdening anyone with her problems. Coming from personal experience, having struggled with my mental health for a couple of years, someone suffering with depression isolating themselves won't be beneficial. When you are on your own, you are left to your own thoughts and the more you think about how much you are struggling, the worse it becomes. Has she considered seeking counselling? Although it doesn't help everyone, it is worth attempting it when there is a possibility it might. Speak to her about it if she hasn't. It is paramount you let her know you will support her no matter what, it will be all she is wanting to hear from you as she might be afraid that she is pushing you away. Best of luck to you and your girlfriend, I hope her mental state improves soon. Thank you, this is very much her. She tells me and others close to her to not worry about her for the same reason you mentioned above. Whether she is seeking counselling as of now, I am not sure but will ask soon when its a good time. I know that she has gone to see a therapist about anxiety when she was younger, however I don't think it was very beneficial. For now, I have reassured her that I am here for her no matter what shes going through and said that none of what she is going through is her fault. She doesn't text me on her own anymore if I don't text her first so I'm wondering if it would help if I check in on her everyday or if that might be too much for her if she said she just wants to keep to herself after school or work. I've asked her this question myself and she just seems too unsure of anything right now, so it's difficult to understand what I should be doing.
Author The_Wanderer Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) {snip} So of she has any of these preconceived opinions about taking meds, tell her this is the arguement for them. She WILL get better if she takes them. As to what YOU can do about it? Not much but make the arguement that she should go to a shrink and get on meds. If she refuses to do so? You have to respect that decision but also realize there is only so much you can or can't do. Some people refuse to get better or take steps in order to do so, then she can rot in her own filth because that's what she chooses to do. Facts. In terms of medication, from what I've learned is that she took non-prescribed Apo-Lorazepam (short term relief of excessive anxiety) that she got from her mom, found too much comfort in taking them and overdosed on them when she was younger. She has since shied away from any kind of medication aside from Melatonin (for sleep) and Aspirin (for headaches). She also 5'6 and 110 so losing weight isn't a plus for her. As for a therapist, I'm unsure if she is seeing one as of right now. She has past history of seeing one for moderate anxiety from her childhood to late teen years. She has made it clear however she is not in a suicidal state and seems relatively calm and collective whenever I speak with her. Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
MetallicHue Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 In terms of medication, from what I've learned is that she took non-prescribed Apo-Lorazepam (short term relief of excessive anxiety) that she got from her mom, found too much comfort in taking them and overdosed on them when she was younger. She has since shied away from any kind of medication aside from Melatonin (for sleep) and Aspirin (for headaches). She also 5'6 and 110 so losing weight isn't a plus for her. As for a therapist, I'm unsure if she is seeing one as of right now. She has past history of seeing one for moderate anxiety from her childhood to late teen years. She has made it clear however she is not in a suicidal state and seems relatively calm and collective whenever I speak with her. I would be very careful with her. Depression is tricky and just because someone is calm and collected doesn’t mean they won’t spiral out of control. Frankly it sounds like it is already starting to get there. I guess your hands maybe somewhat tied but I would strongly suggest being supportive, and expressing your concerns. You can’t make someone fix themself but I wouldn’t be completely passive either. Sometimes someone just needs a poke in the right direction.
Author The_Wanderer Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 I would be very careful with her. Depression is tricky and just because someone is calm and collected doesn’t mean they won’t spiral out of control. Frankly it sounds like it is already starting to get there. I guess your hands maybe somewhat tied but I would strongly suggest being supportive, and expressing your concerns. You can’t make someone fix themself but I wouldn’t be completely passive either. Sometimes someone just needs a poke in the right direction. I agree, though she does live with her parents who are very supportive and she is surrounded by lots of family in her neighborhood which she sees on a regular basis. There has never been a point that has crossed my mind in which I felt she was unsafe or going to harm herself. You never know, but I also don't want to annoy her by texting her all the time to see if everything is okay either.
MetallicHue Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Well as long as the parents know hopefully everything is in control and being worked on. I would just mention with mental health issues people can put on a good show and make things seem better than they appear. Not to be deceiving but just because they don’t want other people to feel bad for them. Just someone speaking from experience. I hope things work out well between the two of you but for her especially.
AmyHershaw Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 Thank you, this is very much her. She tells me and others close to her to not worry about her for the same reason you mentioned above. Whether she is seeking counselling as of now, I am not sure but will ask soon when its a good time. I know that she has gone to see a therapist about anxiety when she was younger, however I don't think it was very beneficial. For now, I have reassured her that I am here for her no matter what shes going through and said that none of what she is going through is her fault. She doesn't text me on her own anymore if I don't text her first so I'm wondering if it would help if I check in on her everyday or if that might be too much for her if she said she just wants to keep to herself after school or work. I've asked her this question myself and she just seems too unsure of anything right now, so it's difficult to understand what I should be doing. You're welcome, I'm happy to help. Having struggled with my mental health for the last couple of years, I have empathy with her. Unfortunately for me, the guy I was in a relationship with when I first started struggling wasn't supportive and left me quite harshly because of the problems I were having with my mental wellbeing. Good on you for remaining at her side and being considerate towards her struggles, she is lucky to have you. Counselling might help her, she might as well attempt it to see if it makes a difference. A person suffering with depression can have days which are worse than others, it sounds like she is experiencing a rough period at present. People with depression want people to stand by them and to not give up on them. It's a tough battle, but things will improve for her one day. The next time you see her, take her on a date to the cinema or a restaurant, just do something fun that will help her take her mind off things.
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 As her BF, don't try to be her therapist. Keep asking her on dates. As long as she accepts, go out & be normal. If she prefers low key dates, keep 'em low key. If she is refusing to see you or engage with you, move on. You do not have the professional medical skill set to save her nor is her mental heath your responsibility. A dating relationship is not a fixer-up project.
Juha Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I know you want to help her and be there for her as you like her but do yourself a favor and move on. You will only beat your head against a wall and not be happy with the situation. Let her go get help and work through this issue and get back to you when she is healthy again. You have only been seeing her a very short time and it is not your job at this point to fix her. I wish you luck
Author The_Wanderer Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 Thanks everybody. It is challenging for sure, especially trying to understand what to do when I've asked and she is unsure as well. I do follow up with her everyday by text, sending just a few lighthearted messages or funny social media posts. For the most part, she's not so receptive and will often just reply with one word answers. Even very early this morning, for example, I texted her "Morning, have good week. Hope you're feeling okay, wish we could see each other soon." to which a few hours later she simply replied "Thankssss". I know she says she's going through a lot with her mental health right now, but its hard for me to understand because I was the exact opposite when I experienced a period of depression in that I didn't want isolation. Overall, patience is what I believe is crucial here and despite how she may respond, I don't think she'll be this way forever.
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 The sickest irony of depression is that being around people helps but it's the last thing the person wants. 1
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