alnavgon Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 We are in our 40s, been dating for 1 year. I have two kids now in college away from home, I have no other family. She has two teenagers in high school, and lives with her mom. I'm a guy that used to be very shy. A few years ago I discovered dancing and have attended dancing classes since. I met many great friends, male and female. Most of my friends are female(I always longed for a sister), clean wholesome relationships, my friends and I use to go in a group to dance on Friday or Saturday nights, or to each other's home for friendship gathering. My girlfriend felt very jealous, I introduced her to my friends and she did not like any, I stop outings and eliminated lots of my communication with my friends. Recently I introduced co-workers (females) which take up dance too to my GF and she does not like them either, because they are females. My GF does have male friends and female friends, I have no problem with that. However, I feel like I can't have no friends whatsoever that are not male because she does not like. Took me years to become social and build a nice group of friends. Also I enjoy dancing but GF does not like. She gets upset particularly if people from class are at an event and I talk to them, meaning a small chat conversation, "hi how are you hows the family, etc." This is with my GF by my side. I love her and enjoy having friendships. What should I do? She has her friends and is social, both male and female. I love her lots, but feel I'm giving up my life and friendships, which I want to share with her. I'm always there for her and mom, taking care of the kids, etc, etc, etc. What should I do, I don't want to give up relationship, but also don't want to be giving up outings I enjoy and need my GF there with me.
d0nnivain Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 You shouldn't have to chose as long as the opposite sex friends truly are platinic. Given the erotic nature of dance I can see where your GF would be concerned. Does she have any interest in being your dance partner? If she was one the tripping to light fantastic with you, she might feel better. If she just wants you to give up everything for her alone, that is rather selfish on her part, don't you think? I'm not saying break up but do work harder to find a compromise. If she won't compromise, well, then you have a tough decision to make.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Ladies and gentlemen of LS, once again you are witnessing another example in which jealousy and clinginess are damaging a relationship to the point that one of the two parties are considering "ending" the relationship. No matter if you're males or females, jealousy will bring nothing but doom to your relationship.
Author alnavgon Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 I told her how I felt, I brought her along, I purchase dancing classes for her, she is not crazy about it nor likes it much, much less if I go to an event and friends from class are there.
AriesDude Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 yea as thay said unless you're prepared to live a life where she bars you from women and you bar her from men(which she wouldnt do as she expects from you) with like 2% trust in the relationship, I suggest finding the "compromise" as mentioned or move on buddy or else things are just gonna end ugly Good luck
preraph Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 I wouldn't stay with someone who wanted me to give up my hard-won friends. She should know you enough by now to know you're just platonic with them.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) When OP's woman wanted him to stop communicating / socializing / talking / having platonic conversations with other women, here's what truly was going on: On a unconscious level, by doing so, OP's woman was trying to convince him that she is not worthy of him, she is not good enough for him, and she is not as attractive as the other women whom he was talking to. And what happens when someone keeps convincing someone else about something days after days? You got it, the other person ends up BELIEVING in it. After all, this isn't something new, Joseph Goebbels (yes the famous German Nazi guy) said "A lie told once is just a lie, but told a thousand times, it becomes the truth." Never underestimate the power of constant pursuasion, ever! And this has been going on with increased level to the point where OP was gradually convinced what she has been telling him is true, which is, I repeat: "she is not worthy of him, she is not good enough for him, and she is not as attrative as the other women whom he was talking to." Hence this topic today. Again, all of these happened on a unconscious level, without either party realizing it. And this principle applies to both sexes. Men or women, when you're in a relationship, being jealous means sabotaging your relationship. Trust me, because I learned this the hard way. Edited January 7, 2019 by thaygiaogiang
smackie9 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 This thing happens....someone grows, and goes the opposite direction if the other won't follow. I have seen marriages end this way. IMO if you and your partner don't grow together, try new things together and share/enjoy the same passions, the relationship can't make it for the long haul. You would be much happier if you found someone who shares a love of dance, and the social aspect it brings.
chillii Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 What sort of dancing is it btw ? l could see how some kinds would def' cause some problems . l wonder if she'd have any problems with just any ol female friend if it wasn't a dance thing ? Not sure if there's a solution except keep persisting in trying to bring her around to one day feeling ok with it. Or you can't go through it with her any longer, whichever comes first if your dancing means that much to you. How is everything else , do you see it as a forever thing with her, marriage ?
edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Jealousy usually comes out of insecurity and/or unresolved childhood issues. Truth is she's afraid you will find someone "better" and leave her. I feel so sorry for women who are so jealous when their partner is clearly not doing anything wrong. I hope you're making it clear you love her and that's not the reason for her insecurity. If it were me, I'd be frank... tell her how you're feeling and offer to help her work on it, even if that means couple therapy or therapy on her own. Her unfounded jealousy makes it clear she needs it. 3
Gretchen12 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 All you have said is she does not like. She need not like. You can't force her to like just as she can't force you to give up your friends. As long as she doesn't act out in disrespectful ways, you just let her be. You don't need her approval. It seems she has not given you an ultimatum. Are you trying to end the relationship before she does?
Juha Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I would be hitting the NEXT button on this woman. No one is worth changing who your friends are, what you do for fun in free time. Delete her from your life and do not put up with treatment like this You are better than that. I wish you luck
BettyDraper Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 This is a tough question because I can understand the emotions on both sides. Dancing is sexual and being around the opposite sex in a sexualized environment could lead to affairs. I don't believe that many women wouldn't feel somewhat suspicious if their men had mostly female friends. Given how territorial men can be, some of them would find it suspect if their partner had mostly male friends too. On the other hand, this hobby is obviously beneficial to you and your girlfriend should be considerate of that. It's not fair that she expects you to give it up just to placate her insecurities. Can you reach a compromise? Maybe spending less time with your female friends might be helpful. If your girlfriend won't be amenable to that solution, I believe that a break up might be in order.
smackie9 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 I don't think it's all about jealousy, I think it's has a lot to do with feeling abandoned too. The large amount of time/energy/attention that is going into this dancing and the social group, is being taken away from the relationship. This is where incompatibility lies....she has no interest in it so you two are just going to split apart anyways.
Whodatdog Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 A good relationship should lift you up, make you feel better with your life and happy. A good partner will want you to be happy and doing things that make you happy. 1
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