Date confirmation

[edgygirl]

ChatroomHero I am totally aware that might be a possibility. And I appreciate the insight. I like him, bu I am not really invested in him or anything like like that (we only went on one date), and I don't intend to be. I know better as I also learned the hard way.

 

I know exactly what you are talking about as I used to have less respect for myself in dating than I do now. For instance I stayed in a non-relationship once for 5 months thinking he'd make up his mind to make it official. I do know better than that now. I think the problem I have is the opposite now - I am hyper aware and judge people too much, to the point of kicking them too fast. In my head, I am giving this guy now about 2, max 3 weeks to see how he behaves. If he keeps being on the passive side I will surely kick him too.

 

Not offended at all and appreciate the input! Reality checks are a great thing!

[greymatter]

I agree Wallybears.

 

I never had to push anyone who I met online to ask me out. They asked and I decided whether or not I wanted to meet.

Edited January 8, 2019 by greymatter
ETA: Oops, meant to quote from an early post and failed! Never mind, my post probably makes no sense.

[Gretchen12]

So even when it's early stages, let's say a first or second date with a new man, you send a message confirming a few dates earlier?

 

oh yeah I would. Especially early stages as I don't know enough to predict. So I have to ask. i am a planner. I need to know. If that makes me appear over eager, I don't care. It's a misunderstanding. So I might "push" for confirmation of that second date and then say no to a third date if I lose interest.

[d0nnivain]

Edgygirl

 

I am so proud of you! Good job.

 

His response shows low interest to me. Now that you have dealt with last night, you can sit back & see if he comes to you. (spoiler alert: he won't). A man who is really into a woman would not have failed to reach out to her once some work thing came up. Truly busy people are fantastic at juggling their schedules to fit in what they care about. You are not enough of a priority to him for him to make the effort. Sorry

 

As much as that sucks, I want you to find some relief & peace that you now know. You don't have to spend another second wondering what he's doing or what he will call. Instead you can look forward to your theater date.

[edgygirl]

Thank you d0nnivain. He texted me again yesterday after the call reaffirming our rescheduled date for this week, and we also talked about other things re: his family, etc. I am thinking of giving it one more chance and go on one more date. Maybe I shouldn't?

 

His response shows low interest to me. Now that you have dealt with last night, you can sit back & see if he comes to you. (spoiler alert: he won't).

[d0nnivain]

If he already rescheduled, go. See what happens but be cautious.

[ChatroomHero]

Thank you d0nnivain. He texted me again yesterday after the call reaffirming our rescheduled date for this week, and we also talked about other things re: his family, etc. I am thinking of giving it one more chance and go on one more date. Maybe I shouldn't?

 

 

By all means, if you are interested you should go on the date. It sounds like you won't be fooled and he won't be able to play you or string you along. You really have nothing to lose but if everything goes well you probably need to see how he acts over the next month or so before you will know who he is for sure, if he puts forth effort or not.

 

 

People put their best foot forward in the initial stage, so after you give him another chance if he leaves you twisting in the wind over the next month or so, I'd cut bait. If not, great.

[Malin889]

I agree Wallybears.

 

I never had to push anyone who I met online to ask me out. They asked and I decided whether or not I wanted to meet.

 

Well some guys are shy. You must’ve met the outgoing ones!

[Malin889]

Thank you d0nnivain. He texted me again yesterday after the call reaffirming our rescheduled date for this week, and we also talked about other things re: his family, etc. I am thinking of giving it one more chance and go on one more date. Maybe I shouldn't?

 

You should definitely go, what have you got to lose? But just take it with a grain of salt. Hopefully him texting you after your call was a good sign. Or maybe it was his way of reminding himself of the date so he doesn’t forget this time. I’m just kidding! :-)

[edgygirl]

Just an update - we went on our second date and it was actually great. He was extremely loving and affectionate.

 

He kept asking why was I so busy on weekends and specially the next one. When he asked for the 3rd time, I decided to say very respectfully all the things that were bottled up. I decided I should start being more open about my feelings and my needs. That playing it cool doesn't work for me.

 

Because I could tell he was frustrated by me being busy, I told him I have other dates booked as he himself didn't make sure to book further dates and secure my time. I even told him I have a date with someone coming from out of town.

 

Surprisingly he appreciated my honesty, and was not angry - he said it's very rare for women to be be this honest and he appreciates it. I said I am used to date American men and that they make it very clear when they're interested in you by securing further dates before someone else does.

 

He said he understands, said sorry and that he feels a little rusted as he hasn't been in a relationship in a while and immediately asked me in a very decisive way (!) if I am free on Friday. He also said something to the effect that after I go on a date with this "Joe Blow" which he understood I cannot cancel, that he wants me to start making time for him. I am not putting all my (old) eggs in one basket yet and am going on other dates with an open mind. But I do like this guy a lot, so let's see if he keeps up.

 

I'm impressed by the power of clear communication. While I know you're not supposed to discuss your multidating with a guy on a date, it actually worked out well this one time. Mainly I learned I will stop my rules of not contacting first, and not discuss things that bother me for fear of someone running away. I now feel the good ones won't be annoyed by a frank discussion even in early stages. Thanks again everyone who commented

[SophieG]

@edgygirl SOOO happy for you! IMO, honesty is always the best way to go. Be yourself, upon up, the best ones will stay.

Good luck!

[edgygirl]

Thank you so much SophieG

 

I agree. Sometimes we have to let go of our set ways and do things a little differently. It's hard but not impossible. I am very thankful to people like you who spend their time posting here to help strangers and help us rethink things

 

@edgygirl SOOO happy for you! IMO, honesty is always the best way to go. Be yourself, upon up, the best ones will stay.

Good luck!

[SophieG]

Thank you so much SophieG

 

I agree. Sometimes we have to let go of our set ways and do things a little differently. It's hard but not impossible. I am very thankful to people like you who spend their time posting here to help strangers and help us rethink things

 

My pleasure!! I haven't been in the dating game very long, for whatever reasons, I usually end up meeting someone fast... maybe I don't have high enough standards ahah. But I did learn from past and current relationships, and I believe others insights is always good. But no matter what people suggest, remember to follow your gut. I'd rather take risks and go the extra mile, than regret not doing it. You might end up giving a chance that wasn't deserved, but hey, you tried, failed, got yourself up and you'll try again.

[Malin889]

Awesome, glad it worked out! How did the other dates go?

[edgygirl]

You're asking about the 4 dates in a week, right? One of the guys I'm passing, there's the one on Saturday and then another guy next Monday or Tuesday. I am realizing that's way too many dates for me for a week... mentally exhausting. I'll probably go back to meeting 0-1 (max 2) new people per week. I even froze all my dating apps cause I couldn't take matching with anyone else right now.

 

Awesome, glad it worked out! How did the other dates go?

[Gretchen12]

You know, Edgygirl, when you becomes totally honest and straightforward, what may happen is you start finding it harder to relate to people who are always so complicated, don't say what they mean and don't mean what they say.

 

I have problems dealing with men who over analyze instead of just ask, men who are afraid to tell me what they want, who try to read hidden meaning in what I say, try to guess what I "really" mean. My brain can't function that way!

 

You are less stressed when you are upfront and honest. But by being so, you've raised the bar and you're gonna need a man who can understand that.

[edgygirl]

Gretchen12 - All you said makes sense and I used to be really honest in the past -- but a few factors led me to stop asking too much in early stages:

 

1. Reading the usual advice to not contact a man when he pulls away plus always play cool nor ask for anything (as in needing more contact or more dates) on the first dates/stage so they don't "run" and think you're needy and/or crazy (which I am now thinking might be pure BS);

2. Past almost-relationships drama;

3. Probable childhood trauma that causes fear of abandonment, hence you just stay quiet and don't stir the waters in the beginning trying to avoid said abandonment when you liked someone

 

It's not like staying on the cool side and not cause drama has led me anywhere good lately... quite the contrary, it made me even more anxious. So I decided to try another approach. Let's see if it works with early dating

[smackie9]

And this is how being an aggressive/assertive woman means. Letting a man know your expectations, instead of frittering around seeing what the guy may do/should do/behave.

 

So many women fear they lose value/control over the situation, when in fact it earns you more value and respect. Plus it flushes out the Dbags and makes them scamper away because they realize you ain't putting up with their bs.

I wish you good luck and hope this new found power of clear communication gets you where you want to be in the dating world.

[edgygirl]

It's a thin line that's really hard to navigate. The line between seeming needy + crazy-woman and communicating your needs/views in early stages/dates.

 

I think that's one of the main reasons people come here for advice in dating.

 

Thanks for the good wishes smackie9

 

And this is how being an aggressive/assertive woman means. Letting a man know your expectations, instead of frittering around seeing what the guy may do/should do/behave.

 

So many women fear they lose value/control over the situation, when in fact it earns you more value and respect. Plus it flushes out the Dbags and makes them scamper away because they realize you ain't putting up with their bs.

I wish you good luck and hope this new found power of clear communication gets you where you want to be in the dating world.

[MissBee]

So I am supposed to go on a second date today, but this man is not very decisive in setting plans.

 

It took him a whole week since our first date around Xmas to go on point and ask me when I was available (understandable given the holidays). I told him immediately I could do either Fri. or Monday. He said let's do Monday. He asked me where I prefer to meet (as in neighborhood). I said we could do around my house again or around his work (it's about 20-25m by subway).<SNIP>

 

 

I date women and being decisive when you ask someone out is still a desirable quality to me that has nothing to do with gender. If you ask me out, I would like for you to have the place/options in mind and propose them to me and then we can go from there. Likewise, if I'm doing the asking, I always suggest specifics and plan what to do and ask for input.

 

I don't do well with passive people personally. I also tend to be anxious so people who aren't very direct or assertive and who don't make things clear lose my interest early on. It may be that this guy's still just doesn't work for you, and that's fine. Sometimes it's just very clear early on that the way some people do things just isn't gonna work for you. And many many other people exist out there who will, at the bare minimum, communicate in a more compatible way.

Edited January 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JuneL]

I hate to rain on your parade (sorry!), but this man has low interest, despite your great 2nd date and his suddenly being so aggressive in wanting to set up a weekend date. I think he certainly enjoys the company of a pretty woman, but that’s just my gut feeling.

[edgygirl]

I get why you're saying this, but I don't feel that's the case. There's something about his personality and his communication style that's a little off. We talked about his family. His parents divorced when he was a child he says he doesn't even remember them together. He also said he's a little traumatized by his father, etc...

 

He also mentioned wanting to take a sabbatical and asked me what I'd think of joining him in his plans (if we keep seeing each other and it works out) being that we come from the same country and it partially involves his plan.

 

He talked about future plans, mentioning going together to a certain religious temple in the future due to the events that have to do with our background, and where high top people from his financial industry usually go (Presidents. CEOs).

 

So there are all kinds of things I didn't share here.

 

In any case it's ok, I am not sure he's the right guy for me anyway due to his communication style and passiveness in setting up dates.

 

I hate to rain on your parade (sorry!), but this man has low interest, despite your great 2nd date and his suddenly being so aggressive in wanting to set up a weekend date. I think he certainly enjoys the company of a pretty woman, but that’s just my gut feeling.

Edited January 11, 2019 by edgygirl

[edgygirl]

Thanks MissBee I agree with your points but if it were so easy to find the kind of person I like, that also communicates in a compatible way, who likes me back -- I wouldn't be single lol Meaning, it's incredibly hard for me to find someone I like even remotely. When I do... I come here to try and get some guidance to solve the issues. I don't think just kicking so fast someone I do like is wise. It's been extremely hard to find chemistry lately.

 

And many many other people exist out there who will, at the bare minimum, communicate in a more compatible way.

[edgygirl]

Yup. We had a great date #3 tonight, super chemistry yet comfy and seems like we really like each other.

 

Yesterday we had already discussed meeting next Saturday to dance, but surprisingly by the end of the date today he also asked when are we meeting next, and asked if I'm also available this Sunday

 

I am bailing on the possible second Sunday date with guy visiting from out of town and we are going for coffee, museum and maybe movie. Still going to the date with man #2 with an open mind though.

 

#1 indeed listened to my clear communication the other day and changed his ways regarding booking upcoming dates. I'm very happy with it Yay And I made sure to show my appreciation as I know men like to be praised when they do the right thing.