manfrombelow2 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 It's just their second date so it's still way too soon to jump into such a conclusion. To me, the guy seems like he knows how to raise a woman's interest level, which is good, for the both of them. It means he has the social skills of a gnat. He has few friends & likes it that way. If you want to have a social life with this man you will have to plan EVERY date / meeting.
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 Thank you d0nnivain. I really appreciate your perspective. I do want to see him (ugh). Maybe you're right. It's better to get it over with already. As you probably noticed, I also don't like to take initiative myself. I might try one last time and send that text, but let it go if he continues to be so dubious. Thank you! Do you want to see this guy tonight? This is your life & your social schedule. Take some more control over it! You can do this.
Malin889 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 I wouldn’t chase him up for tonight ‘lazy’ isn’t an excuse for manners eg, confirming the date by at least the morning of. He knows you will be anxiously waiting . I’d drop this one guarantee your frustrations will only continue. I just read the rest of the post including the part about him admitting he was lazy. I missed that before. Yeah, if he’s admitting he’s lazy, don’t get in contact with him. Maybe he wants the women to do all the work? He’ll probably wonder tonight or tomorrow why you didn’t call, then he’ll call you. :-)
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 I'm noticing it... LOL It means he has the social skills of a gnat. He has few friends & likes it that way. If you want to have a social life with this man you will have to plan EVERY date / meeting. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 It's just their second date so it's still way too soon to jump into such a conclusion. To me, the guy seems like he knows how to raise a woman's interest level, which is good, for the both of them. My conclusion was based on the new info that the guy said: he's an introverted loner. I am married to one of those. I plan everything. I don't mind but edgygirl asked what that meant. My explanation given his failure to confirm is that he is not a social planner. Given the available info, where is my conclusion wrong? 1
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 LOL. Either that or he's a little on the clueless side. I can't tell yet. It's just their second date so it's still way too soon to jump into such a conclusion. To me, the guy seems like he knows how to raise a woman's interest level, which is good, for the both of them.
Malin889 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Once again, what OP (a female) has been going through inside her head shows us that it's a scientific fact that WOMEN ARE MOST ATTRACTED TO MEN WHOSE FEELINGS ARE UNCLEAR. Bingo! I’ve bern guilty of this. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Thank you d0nnivain. I really appreciate your perspective. I do want to see him (ugh). Maybe you're right. It's better to get it over with already. As you probably noticed, I also don't like to take initiative myself. I know. But I'm still going to sit here & encourage you to be less passive. What's the worst that can happen? You reach out & he says no. Still you now know & you are not left wondering. You reach out & he doesn't reply? You know he's lazy, flakey, uninterested, rude, whatever but you still have more info upon which to make a decision about how you will act going forward. Again this is an improvement over where you are now, dithering & wondering. You reach out & he reschedules. Again better then where you are. You reach out, he responds & you have a lousy date. OK, still you got an answer, you had a date & now you know. Knowing is always better than not knowing. Limbo sucks. You reach out, he responds & you have a great date. Jackpot. So act already. You can do this! 1
Wallysbears Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Exact-f**king-ly. Once again, what OP (a female) has been going through inside her head shows us that it's a scientific fact that WOMEN ARE MOST ATTRACTED TO MEN WHOSE FEELINGS ARE UNCLEAR. OP herself even confessed that she has much less (if not nothing) interest in guys whose feelings are much more "clear" (theatre tickets and fancy restaurants). @Edgygirl: Just be cool and be in your center, which means stop thinking about him from now until you hear back from him again. After all, this guy sounds like someone who knows his game very well, and there's nothing wrong with that because that's what makes you like him. If you want to balance the scale, just retaliate with a text like Wallysbears said. In the mean time, I suggest you keep dating other guys, for obvious reasons. And, don't sweat whether or not a guy doesn't do the "confirming" before a date, it's just the second date afterall. I would strongly disagree with you. I know very few women who want to deal with the nonsense of unclear feelings/intent when dating. If you like a woman, man up and ask her out. If you ask her out for a date, actually set a date. Guys - playing this 'game' of not being clear is weakness. And you may very quickly and easily chase off women with it. As for my suggested text? I find nothing 'retaliatory' about it. Granted, I'm married at this point and well off the dating market. Back when I was dating, i wouldn't have even replied to this guy in question again if he pulled this nonsense with me. I was suggesting she give him an out IF he does come up with a half plan at the last minute because she does seem to have an interest in him. But I don't like indecisive people in general. I don't like people who are lazy. 2
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 Yes I remember you mentioning your husband once, and I am realizing this guy might be the same. Planner he is not. I don't need a full active social life with several events per week so I am not sure it would bother me that much that he's not a planner if other things are good. But of course I can't help to compare him with the other guys who book things so decisively in the beginning and it makes me confused about him. My conclusion was based on the new info that the guy said: he's an introverted loner. I am married to one of those. I plan everything. I don't mind but edgygirl asked what that meant. My explanation given his failure to confirm is that he is not a social planner. Given the available info, where is my conclusion wrong?
manfrombelow2 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 The fact you had to write a topic on an online forum to receive insight from people about this guy means only one thing, and one thing only: your interest level in this guy is quite high. LOL. Either that or he's a little on the clueless side. I can't tell yet. 1
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 Haha d0nnivain I love you. You make so much sense. THANK YOU! I know. But I'm still going to sit here & encourage you to be less passive. What's the worst that can happen? You reach out & he says no. Still you now know & you are not left wondering. You reach out & he doesn't reply? You know he's lazy, flakey, uninterested, rude, whatever but you still have more info upon which to make a decision about how you will act going forward. Again this is an improvement over where you are now, dithering & wondering. You reach out & he reschedules. Again better then where you are. You reach out, he responds & you have a lousy date. OK, still you got an answer, you had a date & now you know. Knowing is always better than not knowing. Limbo sucks. You reach out, he responds & you have a great date. Jackpot. So act already. You can do this! 1
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 I'm not sure if it's because he's being distant. I really saw potential with him. Our 100% shared background makes it feel super comfy. But I won't be hurting either if it doesn't work out. I have the 3 other dates this week which will help me get over it The fact you had to write a topic on an online forum to receive insight from people about this guy means only one thing, and one thing only: your interest level in this guy is quite high.
Malin889 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) I know. But I'm still going to sit here & encourage you to be less passive. What's the worst that can happen? You reach out & he says no. Still you now know & you are not left wondering. You reach out & he doesn't reply? You know he's lazy, flakey, uninterested, rude, whatever but you still have more info upon which to make a decision about how you will act going forward. Again this is an improvement over where you are now, dithering & wondering. You reach out & he reschedules. Again better then where you are. You reach out, he responds & you have a lousy date. OK, still you got an answer, you had a date & now you know. Knowing is always better than not knowing. Limbo sucks. You reach out, he responds & you have a great date. Jackpot. So act already. You can do this! Love this post! I’m retracting my last posting... I think you should reach out like d0 and a few of us mentioned... Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
manfrombelow2 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Yes, you're thinking of him means he is inside your head, and he being inside your head means you're interest level in him is quite him, whether you accept that or not. And, please, DO NOT REACH OUT. Let him do it. This is for your benefits and I'm saying this because I care. I'm not sure if it's because he's being distant. I really saw potential with him. Our 100% shared background makes it feel super comfy. But I won't be hurting either if it doesn't work out. I have the 3 other dates this week which will help me get over it
manfrombelow2 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 As vulgar as this might sounds, once a guy knows how to get inside a woman's head, it's just a matter of time before he gets inside her pants. Interesting!
JuneL Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) What's the worst that can happen? You reach out & he says no. Still you now know & you are not left wondering. You reach out & he doesn't reply? You know he's lazy, flakey, uninterested, rude, whatever but you still have more info upon which to make a decision about how you will act going forward. Again this is an improvement over where you are now, dithering & wondering. You reach out & he reschedules. Again better then where you are. You reach out, he responds & you have a lousy date. OK, still you got an answer, you had a date & now you know. Knowing is always better than not knowing. Limbo sucks. You reach out, he responds & you have a great date. Jackpot. So act already. You can do this! OR: You reach out, he responds & you have a great date. And from now on, he expects you to pick up his slack and do most of the work, which will tire you out sooner or later. Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
JuneL Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 For the techie science dude, you should say - hey, the fabric of space-time is interconnected. We're all surfing the space-time continuum baby. You can't meet someone if you specify just a place, and not a time - or a time, and not a place. If he truly believes in theoretical physics, he might respond with: For those who believe in physics, time is merely an illusion. For you, waiting my text for a few days may seem like an eternity, but there’s no such thing as absolute simultaneity. 1
Gretchen12 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 I have a system, and I apply it to both dates and my girlfriends. I confirm a few days before so that the "day-of and still don't know" scenario never occurs for me. If I like a guy, I would have followed up on Saturday so I know yes or no. If no response Satursday then I'd know Monday is a no go. You're in this situation because you let it ride until today. You waited. And now my advice is don't contact him. And if he contacts you, just ignore. This advice is based on your description of how you feel. Like I said, I prevent this scenario so I never have to do this. It's unfortunate because it's not entirely his fault. He might think it's ok to just decide where to meet the day of. Your silence since Friday implied you don't need a confirmation of detailed plans. But you DID want to know. If you like a man, help him to succeed. And your anxiety is a terrible reason to multidate. It's not even working! You're still anxious about this guy not contacting you. I can't help feeling like that other guy with the fancy restaurant is being used somehow. You may like him too, I just feel kind of bad for him.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 All is fair in love and war. That "other guy with the fancy restaurant" too needs to fail with girls like OP (it's not OP's fault that she doesn't dig this fancy-restaurant-guy as much as the other guy) in order to learn and grow into a better man. One day that guy will understand that "fancy restaurant" is not something he can use to bribe girls into liking him. All is fair in love and war. I can't help feeling like that other guy with the fancy restaurant is being used somehow. You may like him too, I just feel kind of bad for him.
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) I appreciated all of your advice and could see both sides of the argument but decided to go with d0nnivain advice and be direct. Not usually my modus operandi, I am usually more passive in early stages but decided to try something different. He called me and apologized profusely asking to rebook as there is a last minute work thing tomorrow super early in the AM. I said he could have let me know beforehand... he agreed and apologized tons but said it was also a last minute thing for him. He asked me about meeting on the weekend and I told him I already have plans. (I am indeed meeting the theather+dinner guy who's coming from out of town just to meet me and asked me to keep Sunday open in case we have chemistry). He was surprised I'm busy on the weekend as it's still early in the week now I guess. I used the opportunity to say - well, you know, when you want a date with a woman you have to make plans in advance. I prob did seem too busy this week and I am, but made it clear I am more spontaneous when I'm dating someone exclusively as then it's assumed you will be meeting and you make the time for it, etc. He agreed and we ended up rebooking a day during this week. Not that convenient as I have another date the next day and I don't function well having dates so close. Let's see how it goes. Gosh. He has the accent of one of the cities I grew up in, so sexy it hurts! I am not used to men rebooking much less cancelling last minute but he seemed sincere about his interest on the phone so I will let this one pass I guess. Edited January 7, 2019 by edgygirl 2
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) Thanks Gretchen. So even when it's early stages, let's say a first or second date with a new man, you send a message confirming a few dates earlier? I have a system, and I apply it to both dates and my girlfriends. I confirm a few days before so that the "day-of and still don't know" scenario never occurs for me. If I like a guy, I would have followed up on Saturday so I know yes or no. If no response Satursday then I'd know Monday is a no go. I think it's more about not obsessing with any given man too early than actually pure anxiety at this point. I'm using other techniques for my anxiety and they seem to work. I don't feel I am using the other man, because he's been trying for a while, I wasn't that open to it as he's in another city and over 10y older than me... So he knew my level of interest was not sky high. But he insisted in keeping the contact, has been behaving the perfect way, saying the right things at the right time and being such a gentleman that I decided it was probably a good idea to let him come meet me at my city and see how it goes. See... now the guy #1 wanted to meet me on the weekend but I am already booked with #2. His loss. You sleep, you miss. I think I made that clear to him now without being passive aggressive, which is also an advance for me. I am also meeting two other men in the next 7 days, and it's indeed specially because this one didn't make the effort to plan better when he had the chance last week. Not on purpose, but they asked me out and I agreed. And your anxiety is a terrible reason to multidate. It's not even working! You're still anxious about this guy not contacting you. I can't help feeling like that other guy with the fancy restaurant is being used somehow. You may like him too, I just feel kind of bad for him. Edited January 7, 2019 by edgygirl
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 A tropical country I can tell you in a DM if you're super curious but don't want to be too specific here. But I grew up between there and another country somewhere else (not the one I live in now). What country are you from Edgygirl?
ChatroomHero Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 He was never going to show. Nothing came up last minute for tomorrow morning. He was not going to call and let you know anything. He lied to you and was going to flake on you either way and his "sincere" apologies were bs and you know it too... you just really, really want them to be true. He probably forgot you existed until you reached out to him. He spent 0 seconds considering or caring about you. He will continually screw you over and is not highly interested in you...and you are already giving him passes. This guy won't end well for you but as long as you don't come back wondering "what went wrong" and accept your fate with him and take whatever you can get and deal with the rejections later, it's fine. It's clear as day so there should be no confusion when he screws you over again. The other guy that had tickets and sets everything up should probably just flake on you and really get your interest up. I am just saying all of this because it is abundantly clear the guy you are really attracted to does not feel the same way to the same degree for you. So you should know going in your judgement is compromised and you should not be surprised and not get hurt when you are ultimately rejected. Just providing outside perspective because I know when you are in the middle of it and attracted to someone, you go to great lengths to forgive the object of your affection and trick yourself. When you look back it will seem like a sinking ship that you saw was sinking all along, but for some reason you couldn't accept that you should have jumped off even as the water was up to your waist. I had to learn to respect myself and when I was really attracted to someone, judge them with the same lens as someone I was maybe less attracted to or judge them as any other friend or potential friend. I had to learn no matter how much I wanted someone, when they treat me poorly I need to jump off the ship right away because I am too good for them, not the other way around. Hope you're not offended, just saying what seems very clear.
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