edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) So I am supposed to go on a second date today, but this man is not very decisive in setting plans. It took him a whole week since our first date around Xmas to go on point and ask me when I was available (understandable given the holidays). I told him immediately I could do either Fri. or Monday. He said let's do Monday. He asked me where I prefer to meet (as in neighborhood). I said we could do around my house again or around his work (it's about 20-25m by subway). As usual, he didn't respond with the option for a place. Neither he confirmed the date during the weekend. Last time we exchanged a couple of messages was Friday night. Now I am here, I don't even know if the date for tonight is still up, or where we're meeting. This is just exhausting. Meanwhile in comparison another man I'm less interested in already set up cool theater tickets plus fancy dinner for the weekend. I am not a golddigger and I'm fine with any place, but just... book it already, in advance, so I don't have to be anxious about it and can organize for it! I am totally flexible with setting up of dates when in a relationship. But I feel in the first weeks a man should be doing that. Don't men understand they have to be more decisive in the beginning? What do I do? Kick it to the curb and refuse to meet him today if he contacts me at 5pm, or just text him myself asking if we're still up for today? Or accept it even if he contacts me later? He's on the chill side and might say "for me the date was set up already". Seriously this is the female version of emasculating. Such a turn off. Edited January 7, 2019 by edgygirl
Garcon1986 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 You can go ahead and see both. There are too many men out there who are emasculated (I'm a former emasculated man, committed to remasculating myself). Tell your first guy in question that you need to know where to meet so you can figure out when and where this date is going to be! Otherwise he will very likely not know. And tell him when you meet him this is your expectation. You are more edgy than he is, so he'll need to hear your message in as direct of a fashion as possible In the meantime go see the show with the other chap. 1
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 Thank you for the tip Garcon1986. I am not that good in being clear and direct in early dating. I feel it might scare men away and seem needy/cray/not easy going. What do you mean by see both? Day with guy #1 is supposedly today. And thanks for the laugh :lmao: You can go ahead and see both. There are too many men out there who are emasculated (I'm a former emasculated man, committed to remasculating myself).
Garcon1986 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 You aren't committed to either guy yet right? You can date both. No problem with that. 1
Garcon1986 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Try a saying like: Hey, I'd like to see what you have in mind for our date. If I don't know when and where we are going, how am I going to get there? That's benign enough for the timid man. For the techie science dude, you should say - hey, the fabric of space-time is interconnected. We're all surfing the space-time continuum baby. You can't meet someone if you specify just a place, and not a time - or a time, and not a place.
Wallysbears Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 What would *I* do? I'd make plans to go to dinner/happy hour with my girlfriends tonight. If he can't be bothered to pick up the phone and call you and set up a date (or even use the texting) then he's not worth wearing your heels and putting on lipstick. 3
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 Oh for sure. I usually multi-date, mainly not to get obsessed with one person. In fact I have 4 dates booked in the next 7 days. (more than usual for me). But the one tonight is the one I'm most interested in... but he's so slow and not decisive... ahh. You aren't committed to either guy yet right? You can date both. No problem with that. LOLOL loved the brainiac science quote! He's in finance but doesn't seem like a typical finance bro (I hope). hey, the fabric of space-time is interconnected. We're all surfing the space-time continuum baby. You can't meet someone if you specify just a place, and not a time - or a time, and not a place.
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 Good point. He set it up for today... just didn't specify where, and didn't confirm it over the weekend or this morning. Still same response, Wallysbears? I'd make plans to go to dinner/happy hour with my girlfriends tonight
Wallysbears Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Yeah, still same response. Setting up a "date" without a firm time/place isn't really a date in my mind. I'm not saying to blow the guy off...but how I would handle it (so maybe he gets the hint that you won't deal with lazy daters) When/if he texts you later you reply with: "I'm sorry, I hadn't heard from you since Friday and so I didn't know what was going on. I'm free on Thursday if you'd like to do something then let me know" And then leave it. He either gets the hint that you're a grown woman with an active social life and aren't just waiting around for last minute scrap plans...or you've saved yourself the headache of dealing with a lazy, procrastinator. 3
smackie9 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 I chuckled to myself when I got to the part where other dude, got his tickets and dinner all set up. Being indecisive mean they couldn't care less about you. Go with the one who has his $%^& together. 2
Wallysbears Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Oh, and by the way, I firmly support dating multiple people at a time. In fact, i encourage it for women. It keeps you from overthinking things with one particular guy. Plus, it helps you weed through the "nope" guys faster.
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 Thank you so much Wallysbears - that's what I will do. And yes - multidating is necessary. Whenever I like someone and stop multidating I obsess. Not good for mental health! When/if he texts you later you reply with: "I'm sorry, I hadn't heard from you since Friday and so I didn't know what was going on. I'm free on Thursday if you'd like to do something then let me know" 1
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 This is the guy who told me on the first date that his flaw is being "lazy". I didn't make much of it or inquire further (should have) as I like being a couch potato often, chill at home and read etc. But now I think I am realizing what he meant by that. Good luck to him locking down a woman when he can't even woo her in the beginning by setting up romantic dates in a decisive and manly way. Meh... I chuckled to myself when I got to the part where other dude, got his tickets and dinner all set up. Being indecisive mean they couldn't care less about you. Go with the one who has his $%^& together. 1
Malin889 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Oh for sure. I usually multi-date, mainly not to get obsessed with one person. In fact I have 4 dates booked in the next 7 days. (more than usual for me). But the one tonight is the one I'm most interested in... but he's so slow and not decisive... ahh. Maybe you are most interested in him because he hasn’t gotten back to you? Just a thought... Send a quick text saying, where would you like to meet, how about this place? (You pick the place)...at this time? And if he did then doesn’t get back to you, push him to the back of the line. 4 dates- wow- good for you! Did you ask them or they ask you? I feel like you have to push a little bit with these online guys to get them to ask you out.
Wallysbears Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Maybe you are most interested in him because he hasn’t gotten back to you? Just a thought... Send a quick text saying, where would you like to meet, how about this place? (You pick the place)...at this time? And if he did then doesn’t get back to you, push him to the back of the line. 4 dates- wow- good for you! Did you ask them or they ask you? I feel like you have to push a little bit with these online guys to get them to ask you out. I completely disagree with this. "Start as you intend to go" is a motto I live by. If she has to reach out to pick and choose a 2nd date with this guy? Then he's ALWAYS going to be lazy. And that doesn't strike me as the kind of guy she wants to be with. 1
Geraltt Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Maybe you are most interested in him because he hasn’t gotten back to you? Just a thought... Nailed it.
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) They did. I NEVER invite men out. I'm edgy but traditional in early dating lol. Yes some are lame and lazy... but I changed my ways - I try to cut on endless chit chat for days on end like I used to do before. When I see that they're not setting up anything after 2-3 days, I go MIA a bit. They usually get the hint and just book it. And they're all handsome & professional. Two are around my age, one 5 years younger and the other on the older side (hence I'm not sure it will be a match). I am well into my 40s so I don't get why people here complain about being old and not getting dates. I do think I wrote my bio in a good way on the app - I am honest about myself, my personality and what I want and don't want in a man. People tell me it's different than other women's bios, but I wouldn't know as I don't look I guess women are as lame as men on their bios - describing vapid things like "I like the outdoors, traveling and love to laugh". Oh really? How interesting! Not. LOL. 4 dates- wow- good for you! Did you ask them or they ask you? I feel like you have to push a little bit with these online guys to get them to ask you out. Edited January 7, 2019 by edgygirl
LittleLuu Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 I wouldn’t chase him up for tonight ‘lazy’ isn’t an excuse for manners eg, confirming the date by at least the morning of. He knows you will be anxiously waiting . I’d drop this one guarantee your frustrations will only continue. 1
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 Look, I'll concede I have a thing for men who are on the distant side. But this one I did like since the beginning, even on the first week when he was texting me and calling all the time. We have the same cultural/religious/ethnic background and were born in the same country. I never met anyone like this here and he said the same thing. Nailed it. Originally Posted by Malin889 Maybe you are most interested in him because he hasn’t gotten back to you? Just a thought...
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 I hear you and agree with you. Thank you for giving me perspective. I wouldn’t chase him up for tonight ‘lazy’ isn’t an excuse for manners eg, confirming the date by at least the morning of. He knows you will be anxiously waiting . I’d drop this one guarantee your frustrations will only continue.
olivetree Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 I wouldn't bother with the guy you were supposed to see tonight. Leaving you hanging like that sounds like he could care less - so you should too.
d0nnivain Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Edgygirl Do you want to see this guy tonight? If so, pick a place & time. Then send him a message that says something like: Hey, when we last spoke we had tentative plans for tonight. I'm still open to meeting. How does [place] at [time] work for you? If he doesn't respond, about an hour before the time end confirm that you will not be coming & that he should lose your phone # If you don't want to see him & want this nonsense to stop, send a text that says Although we had tentative plans for tonight, I haven't heard form you. I'm assuming we're off & you are not that interested. It was interesting meeting you but I'm not inclined to continue trying to read your mind. Best wishes. I hope you find the woman you are looking for. This is your life & your social schedule. Take some more control over it! You can do this. 1
Author edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 One more question guys: during our date he mentioned he used to be a loner. What does it mean? He also said he's an introvert although he seemed to be friendly and social with the people at the restaurant. And I do like introverts. But what does being a loner means for a man? He was married before, briefly, like myself.
d0nnivain Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 It means he has the social skills of a gnat. He has few friends & likes it that way. If you want to have a social life with this man you will have to plan EVERY date / meeting. 1
manfrombelow2 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Exact-f**king-ly. Once again, what OP (a female) has been going through inside her head shows us that it's a scientific fact that WOMEN ARE MOST ATTRACTED TO MEN WHOSE FEELINGS ARE UNCLEAR. OP herself even confessed that she has much less (if not nothing) interest in guys whose feelings are much more "clear" (theatre tickets and fancy restaurants). @Edgygirl: Just be cool and be in your center, which means stop thinking about him from now until you hear back from him again. After all, this guy sounds like someone who knows his game very well, and there's nothing wrong with that because that's what makes you like him. If you want to balance the scale, just retaliate with a text like Wallysbears said. In the mean time, I suggest you keep dating other guys, for obvious reasons. And, don't sweat whether or not a guy doesn't do the "confirming" before a date, it's just the second date afterall. Maybe you are most interested in him because he hasn’t gotten back to you? Just a thought...
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