How to Win Back a soon to be ex

[Stellen]

My girlfriend recently found out about my unfaithfulness from the person I was unfaithful to her with and as to be expected, it put a rift in our relationship. Also as to be expected, she's hurt, angry and has questioned me over and over again; sometimes reiterating the same question.

 

I accept that as her lashing out and coping. I'm not reacting back or passing any blame. She has a right to react as she does. We haven't seen each other in a week and she found out about the infidelity 3 days and that I was unfaithful 2 days before that.

 

Our communication has been everything from calm, and her telling me she doesn't know if she can go forward, to her at times diving right into lashing out. I get it and understand why she's going through it. After all this is my fault.

 

I should have broke it off with the other person long ago.

 

Background Information

 

My girlfriend and I have had some conflicts in the past, usually arising out of some complacency on her part which built frustration in me. Case in point, we live 2 hours apart and she would come stay with me 3 days a week. This pattern continued for several months at one point and has gone on for 2.5 years even after I asked her what her plans were to make the move here (by then we had been together 2 years.). She would say she is working on it, and months would go by with no change. No mention of it either until I said something. I would get fed up with it and push her away, needing space and not wanting to see her and minimally speak to her.

 

In the process of feeling hurt and like my concerns to build a life together would never come to fruition, I would ask for space, think, and contemplate.Thoughts of alternatives would arise and I would consider it. Socialize with other people and end up getting involve with someone else while we were apart because I was hurt, vulnerable and I realized that was not what I wanted so I ended things with the new person and we got back together.

 

Long story short, I realize that when we hit a conflict, I resort to this defense mechanism of pushing her away and looking elsewhere and it was short sighted of me because what I really should have done it just took the time to truly sort through the conflict and work with her. We've gone through this pattern 3x and it has caused us more harm than good, especially on my part.

 

I realize I need to fix this trait otherwise everytime we hit a conflict where she may not be proactive for months this pattern would be self fulfilling again.

 

Despite our not being together, she still constitutes these as cheating and having given me another chance.

 

 

Fast forward to the most recent episode

 

We went through this kind of phase again and I was involved with someone else for a period. She wasn't happy about it. Even after we were back together, my contact with that other person continued. I felt trapped and was working on terminating ties with the other person. I failed to do so in a timely fashion and here we sit.

 

Take Away

 

I now realize that for our relationship to be successful and recover, I must address that defensive/reactive mechanism that gives the appearance of moving on. No relationship is perfect and people don't make changes by a perfect timing always and it may be necessary to have space (a.k.a go in another room) but don't make so much space in a conflict that it gives the devil and temptation room to drive a wedge between you that is worse than the conflict.

 

What I desire to happen

 

In the midst of our talking and her periodically berating me by text, I feel like part of her wants to give us one last chance. Comments like "It sounds good, but you'll just do it again.", "I want to believe you and I know you love me, but I don't know if you will stick to it". "We've been through this 3x. It will just happen again". "It repulses me you touch her and were sexual with her". "I can't fathom you touching me, it disgusts me". "I'm not good enough for you. Clearly I've never been good enough for you, you'll fall back into the same trap like a diet. Things will go back to the way they were, we get in a conflict and you'll be looking for someone in two weeks." "You're probably looking for someone else now. I bet you went back to her place already since it would be easy for you". All of these things, I've sat and listened or read from her and calmly addressed without being reactive. I've cut off all communication and ability for the other person to ever reach me again and vice versa.

 

To this I say, I recognized what my trigger is and I will not go down that path because I will do better and i don't wish to cause the pain I have caused this time around ever again. Couples have survived infidelity and even multiples. I truly believe we can and I am working to show her that and seeking constructive advice. I keep our communication to a minimum unless she reaches out. I've given a sincere apology and measurable concrete steps I will take to improve, be better and ensure we never revisit this chapter or one like it ever again. This woman is my all and sometimes you only realize it when you truly slow down and stop reacting and start thinking more and now I'm in the fight to keep her from walking away and convincing her with time, effort, and hard work, she can trust me and the damage done to her heart can be healed.

Edited January 7, 2019 by Stellen

[anika99]

My advice would be to let her go. There has been multiple break ups and infidelity and who aren't even married yet. Either you are too immature to be in a serious relationship or this isn't the right girl for you. Relationships that start out this dysfunctional don't usually get much better. The girl would be wise to walk away.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think your relationship was coming to an end even before you cheated, OP.

 

Breaking up and making up repeatedly is a sign that you two do not work as a couple. Perhaps it's related to maturity, but this sort of cycle causes a lot of damage to a relationship. Add in cheating, and it's unlikely to recover. Perhaps you have never been cheated on, but I can tell you from personal experience that it can dramatically change the way the betrayed party sees you. Sometimes there really is no coming back from it.

 

Some couples survive infidelity, yes - but in my experience, those are usually married or other long-term couples without much history of breaking up and getting back together over and over. I have yet to see a couple who successfully survives multiple infidelities and came out the other side truly intact and happy. I know two couples who've been down that road (more than one instance of cheating, I mean) and stayed together, but would I say they are happy and weathered the storm well? No, I really can't say that.

 

Whatever happens, the ball is in her court. She is on a painful roller coaster right now, and you've done what you can to apologize and ask for another chance. You're doing the right thing by not blaming her nor reacting to her angry moments, but the rest is up to her.

 

For context, how long have you been together and how old are you both? How long had you been cheating with this specific person? I am sensing it was more than a one-night stand situation, is that correct?

[Stellen]

We've been together 4 years. We've had 3 episodes where we had major conflicts and took space apart where a new relationship started before I broke it off because I just didn't feel this person was for me. Though my girlfriend and I have had major conflicts which I know in hindsight could have been dealt with differently, there is this thing I can't explain except to say when we are doing good, she fulfills me emotionally, personality, and in every other way like no one else could. Our conflict tends to arise from she's a very emotional and softer gentler personality type and she's. She admits she suffers from habitual complacency.

 

On the other hand, I'm a very analytic, deadline and structure oriented person in general and coming from a technical background. I feel our differences in how we handle conflict is what starts the slippery slope that got us here. It is also something I'm getting counseling for personally. Lastly, we are 34 and 38

[anika99]

I'm sure your gf has her faults but she did not cause you to dump her multiple times or make you cheat on her. The responsibility for that is all on you. This isn't a situation where the blame is shared. You are not taking full responsibility for your actions. You want to pretend that forces outside of you controlled you.

 

The fact that you are a mature adult makes it so much worse. I thought you were very young when you first posted. This relationship is not going to survive.

[Stellen]

@anika, I never said it did. I owned my part there. I am saying retrospectively that I see where I failed in how I handle conflict and begin to push her away and set the stage for poor choices. I fail to see how that is pushing fault elsewhere. I admit that rests on me.

[d0nnivain]

Why do you want to try to repair this?

 

I'm not condoning your cheating but you cheated because your needs weren't being met in the relationship. You should have just broken up then not cheated but to try to reconcile now is an exercise in futility.

If you felt like she was complacent before, she's certainly not going to step up her game & make you feel more cherished or appreciated now that you have been unfaithful. If anything she's going to sit back & make you work harder.

[preraph]

It will never ever be the same once you cheated. Love is built on trust. You can love someone, but if you can't trust them, that's a dealbreaker. There is NO way to go backwards once you cheated and betrayed her. Why? Because by your actions, you proved to her that you do NOT love her or possibly even know what love really is, that you have no depth of love to give. If you love someone, the very last thing you ever want to do is do something to cause them intense pain, which is what you thoughtlessly did. That proved to her that you don't care about anyone except yourself. You can't get that back once it's gone. It will never be the same for her. She can go through the motions, and that's probably all you care about, but she will never feel it again or hold you in high esteem. Let her go find someone who treats her right and that she can trust.

[Normm]

Not clear that you cheated.

 

 

Seems to me like you were with someone during a period of separation from her, is that correct?

 

 

If so, not cheating but I'll tell you that the tendency to pull back causes major damage in the relationship, throw in the fact that you were with someone else during a period of separation and conflict and it's clear why she feels she cannot depend on you to be there.

 

 

Besides, you don't state anything about changes you've made to avoid this type of behavior in the future, so why would she expect things to be any different?

 

 

Just because you know you haven't been fair to her and you understand why she is acting the way she is, doesn't mean you'll be any different going forward.

[anika99]

Not clear that you cheated.

 

 

Seems to me like you were with someone during a period of separation from her, is that correct?

 

 

If so, not cheating but I'll tell you that the tendency to pull back causes major damage in the relationship, throw in the fact that you were with someone else during a period of separation and conflict and it's clear why she feels she cannot depend on you to be there.

 

 

He dumped her a few times and screwed around with other women during the break ups but he said in his first post that the last time it overlapped. He got back with his gf before he ditched his OW, so yeah, definitely cheating but even without the cheating, all of the break ups and messing around with multiple women make this relationship a joke. Not only would I not trust someone who cheated on me, I also wouldn't trust anyone who makes dumping me a habit. It's toxic and dysfunctional and if his gf doesn't walk away now she will regret it.