Starnette83 Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 I don't understand why I spend so much thinking of someone who has hurt me so much in the past as well as in the present. I've been with him for what could almost be 5 years and no matter what happens between us, I feel so attached and in love with him. I always try to convince myself "THATS IT, ONE MORE MISTAKE HE MAKES AND IM OUT" but i never follow through...once he calls me , BOOM im back to being his girl. And when he doesn't call, im expecting his call, checking AIM to see if hes on, and thinking about him in hopes that he will come. I feel like such a fool, like "WAKE UP AND STOP BEING STUPID" but its a battle, between my heart and mind. Yet at the same time everything is so confusing, he has been with me this long, doesnt that mean he does love me? So far as I know he has never cheated, whereas I have. He has lied to me alot, has had porn addictions, and that sort of crap. But when I talk about our future together he stares blankly at the sky as though wishing I would just shut up, I try to get his attention but hes not listening. I tell him do you think we will ever have kids, and his answer is "Highly Unlikely"....So why waste more years with someone who says it is highly unlikely we will one day have kids. I dont want kids right now, since im 22 and have goals of becoming something first. Hes 21. But the fact that ive been with him so long makes me want to talk about the future to see if we have anythng for the future or am i just wasting my time. When he holds me and kisses me, i cant even explain what i feel inside, its like all my worries go away and i sense it that he DOES love me, when he look into my eyes I see my future, and I see his future in my eyes. Its crazy but why do I feel that we are meant to be, yet at the same time we have all these problems and he is always uncertain. Maybe its not our time, maybe i need to accept that, afterall I am his first gf, his first love, his first everything. So he must be curious, or think he is missing out on something, is HE? gosh...i cant even think about him kissing or being with another girl, the thought provokes a sense of jealousy and burden in my heart like no other, for I just want him to be my man. I dont know what to do, i honestly dont think i can ever stop loving him. I am so sweet with him, I have loved him unconditionally why cant he just appreciate this? Is it because when he has it , he forgets? Does every girlfriend give massages and listens to you at night? Does every girlfriend always wants to have sex? Does every girlfriend buy you great present for your birthday, gifts that you havent even recieved from family, and thats how you know she really care? Does every girlfriend is happy eating out and sharing food because she knows money is tight and is even willing to split the bill? Gosh......
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