I want to end my long term relationship but my partner's mother has recently died

[girlygo]

I have been in a very long term relationship of 18 years and have been unhappy for the last 2 of them. Basically I am no longer sexually attached to my boyfriend/ partner and haven't been for some time. I had tried to see past it as I had known him for a very long time (I'm 43) but I don't feel the same as I did. We used to argue from time to time because I felt that he never really was interested in doing activities together and I was always the one making all the effort. He could also be quite moody if I didn't agree with him. But the last couple of years I have almost just given up trying, partly through frustration with the same issues, partly just through becoming resigned to it and apathy has set in, as well as feeling quite lonely. We still talk about everything and spend time together like friends but Im feeling something missing from the relationship (apart from the sex) and I don't feel fulfilled.

 

I have been trying to find the courage to end the relationship and constantly run through scenarios of what I would say day and night. I'm scared of being lonely (I have no friends having made the mistake of devoting all my time and effort into our relationship) and I'm scared of hurting him also as he has no friends either, having moved to my town to be near me and we have both suffered from depression. The guilt I feel is immense at the thought of breaking up but I came very close to doing it a couple of months ago in November. Then his mum died suddenly of a heart attack. So it wasn't the right time then and with Christmas coming up too that would have been even worse.

 

We spent Christmas together and I have been emotionally supporting my partner through grieving for his mum, but now I'm thinking when would be the right time to tell him the relationship is over? I love him very much and always will but Im no longer happy. What's worse is that I know he could sense that I was being more distant before and his mum's death brought us closer, but for me only in terms that I was so upset for him, care and wanted to support him through a hard time. His birthday is in 3 weeks and again Im thinking buying presents and going along with being a couple is unfair on him and painful for me, like I'm lying and stringing him along. I don't want to hurt him anymore than he's feeling now but just don't know what to do. Please help!

[PegNosePete]

It's not a nice situation to be in and I would have done the same as you. Dumping someone after a bereavement would seem very cruel, even though you've been thinking about it for so long.

 

But now it's 2 months later I think it's time. He is going to be hurt whenever you do it, so no time like the present really. It won't get any better in a month or 6 months or a year's time.

[d0nnivain]

You have to do it soon otherwise you will be breaking up with him Valentine's Day.

 

Be as gentle as possible but don't give false hope & be definitive.

[Million.to.1]

I think you need to do it even though it seems unkind and the wrong time.

There is never going to be a time that feels right, and hanging on because of upcoming events will only cause resentment from him.

 

From personal experience, there is nothing worse than the hindsight knowledge that your partner was just staying with you to support you through a bereavement of a parent.

Don't mention "not breaking up cause of your mums death" as that was the thing that broke my heart the most. Being told he wanted out of the relationship then, but didn't, was just an unnecessary thing to say.

I get why, but please, just don't say it.

I felt like he only stayed to not appear unkind to other people who might know.

 

Tough situation, just try and be as kind about it as you can.. he will be hurt no matter what so there is going to guilt you can't really avoid.

[basil67]

Assuming you've spoken to him at length in the past about how unhappy you are, it's OK to end it any time now. Yes, he's going to be depressed, lonely and have no friends, but this is a situation he's brought upon himself by refusing to address his mental health. You leaving now is nothing more than consequence for his own choices. I realise this sounds harsh and somewhat blunt, but taking on this attitude will help you through it.

[preraph]

What I'm thinking is tell him before he sells the mother's house or something. Maybe he will want to keep it and move back there.