Newheregirl Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Me and this guy have been dating for a few months and we do really enjoy being together. So much that 1 month ago I had holidays already booked with some friends (they were booked before I met him) and he ended up flying to where I was because he said he couldn't stay without me not even for one day. We had a great time there together. Now he also is going on holidays next month with some friends (that he also booked before he met me) and mentioned ANYTHING about me going as well. I told him I am going to miss him a lot that week he's going away, he said he will too but that he prefers not to think about it. I really don't understand this. So I opened up my world to him, he went on my holidays, met my friends, etc, and now he doesn't even mention/invite me to go too? Please notice that he has no obligation to invite me, but at least he could tell me he would want to just be with his friends or something. I feel left out and that he's being inconsistent. One day he can't stay a day away from me, next day he can stay a week? I want to talk to him about this because I am starting to withdraw and feeling resentful. Any advice?
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 He took the (pushy) initiative to fly to where you were & basically crash your holiday with your friends. You thought that was great so why can't you so much as open your mouth & say to him that you would like to come along on his trip? Speak up! You didn't invite him on your holiday. He just showed up. It's completely unfair of you to sit there in silence being annoyed at him for not saying anything when you haven't started the discussion.
Author Newheregirl Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 He took the (pushy) initiative to fly to where you were & basically crash your holiday with your friends. You thought that was great so why can't you so much as open your mouth & say to him that you would like to come along on his trip? Speak up! You didn't invite him on your holiday. He just showed up. It's completely unfair of you to sit there in silence being annoyed at him for not saying anything when you haven't started the discussion. He didn't crash the holidays. Before I went, he asked me if he could go and meet me there, and I said yes. Then he got the flight tickets and went there a few days after I arrived. It's not much the fact that I would like to come along on his holiday to be honest. It's more the fact he doesn't mention anything about me going.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Seems to me you are in a relationship where the balance is in his favour, which means you need & want him more than he needs & wants you. And this is never a good thing. Just let him be, and be in your center. After all, nobody out there is responsible for our happiness, that job is ours. 1
Author Newheregirl Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 Seems to me you are in a relationship where the balance is in his favour, which means you need & want him more than he needs & wants you. And this is never a good thing. Just let him be, and be in your center. After all, nobody out there is responsible for our happiness, that job is ours. Well, for someone that couldn't be away from me and flew over on my holidays, it seemed the other way around, that he needed and wanted me more than me needing him. Now that he doesn't mention anything about me going on his holidays as well, it seems odd to me. My happiness doesn't depend on him or anyone else. But I like to have a consistent and balanced relationship.
Malin889 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 It is a little odd that he came on (not crashed, as you said) vacation with you and your friends; did he come alone or with his friends? Did he/his friends do their own thing? I don't know why, but to me that seems weird, but maybe I'm just being too sensitive. I just know I don't think I'd like a guy to do that to me.
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 He didn't crash the holidays. Before I went, he asked me if he could go and meet me there, and I said yes. Then he got the flight tickets and went there a few days after I arrived. It's not much the fact that I would like to come along on his holiday to be honest. It's more the fact he doesn't mention anything about me going. Fine, still feels like crashing to me. But it made YOU happy & that's all that matters. Anyway, he spoke up & asked for what he wanted -- to come along on your holiday. Why can't you speak up & ask for what you want? You say "it's more about the fact that he doesn't mention anything." No it's not. That is BS. You are unhappy because he's not reading your mind. That is so unfair. You have a voice. Use it. If you don't speak up, it's your fault, not his, that you didn't go on this trip. If you say something & he says you aren't welcome, well then you have a different problem on your hands but this one, it's all you for failing to take initiative in your own life, in your own relationship.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Yes, I am happy if you can truly stick to your words in the bold part. Like I said, just let him be. Everyone needs air and room to breathe. I wouldn't look too much into it if I were you. Goodluck. Well, for someone that couldn't be away from me and flew over on my holidays, it seemed the other way around, that he needed and wanted me more than me needing him. Now that he doesn't mention anything about me going on his holidays as well, it seems odd to me. My happiness doesn't depend on him or anyone else. But I like to have a consistent and balanced relationship.
Author Newheregirl Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 Yes, I am happy if you can truly stick to your words in the bold part. Like I said, just let him be. Everyone needs air and room to breathe. I wouldn't look too much into it if I were you. Goodluck. You're right, everyone needs air and room to breathe. But he doesn't need air to breathe when he wants to come on my holidays, but wants air to breathe when it's his holidays? That just seems very convenient.
Author Newheregirl Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 Fine, still feels like crashing to me. But it made YOU happy & that's all that matters. Anyway, he spoke up & asked for what he wanted -- to come along on your holiday. Why can't you speak up & ask for what you want? You say "it's more about the fact that he doesn't mention anything." No it's not. That is BS. You are unhappy because he's not reading your mind. That is so unfair. You have a voice. Use it. If you don't speak up, it's your fault, not his, that you didn't go on this trip. If you say something & he says you aren't welcome, well then you have a different problem on your hands but this one, it's all you for failing to take initiative in your own life, in your own relationship. To be honest I don't really know if I want to go on his holidays, because I don't know many details about it. So it's not that I can tell him "I want to go now too". It's more than he seemed so keen on wanting to come over on my holidays (yes it can be seen as crashing in a way), so full of initiative and making a big deal of not wanting to be away from me, and now is a complete silence from him. See what I'm trying to explain? It's more how can he go from being so desperate to be with me, to going to being away for a whole week and not being concerned about it? That's my point.
smackie9 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 To be honest I don't really know if I want to go on his holidays, because I don't know many details about it. So it's not that I can tell him "I want to go now too". It's more than he seemed so keen on wanting to come over on my holidays (yes it can be seen as crashing in a way), so full of initiative and making a big deal of not wanting to be away from me, and now is a complete silence from him. See what I'm trying to explain? It's more how can he go from being so desperate to be with me, to going to being away for a whole week and not being concerned about it? That's my point. If you don't know many details about his trip means you lack proper communication. Since you never asked the details about his trip, he just assumed you are not even interested. Here's a tip: men are not mind readers.Since you feel he's avoiding you, I can see trouble ahead because of your perception in how a man should behave. It's only going to go downward if you don't learn to communicate.
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Inconsistency would be a big flag here that others seem to be missing. A guy I dated last year was constantly sending me texts how he thinks of me all the time, can't even focus on work and he was always counting down the days till when he can see me. On and on all the time. Then in the middle of that he vaguely said he is busy one weekend and basically went missing in action for 5 days (no texts or explanation of what he was doing). Mid next week, he resumed with the same BS texts. I called him out asking where he was for the last 5 days. He told me that he doesn't have to report me after few weeks of dating. OK, fine he is right but then stop with the sweet talking BS texts that he obviously doesn't mean. It's inconsistency: in your case OP he can't live without seeing you but now he can? Going slow is totally fine but then don't go fast first.
2much4 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Is he the jealous type? He might have been wanting to check up on you during your holidays, but wants to do whatever he pleases on his.
Author Newheregirl Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 (edited) Inconsistency would be a big flag here that others seem to be missing. A guy I dated last year was constantly sending me texts how he thinks of me all the time, can't even focus on work and he was always counting down the days till when he can see me. On and on all the time. Then in the middle of that he vaguely said he is busy one weekend and basically went missing in action for 5 days (no texts or explanation of what he was doing). Mid next week, he resumed with the same BS texts. I called him out asking where he was for the last 5 days. He told me that he doesn't have to report me after few weeks of dating. OK, fine he is right but then stop with the sweet talking BS texts that he obviously doesn't mean. It's inconsistency: in your case OP he can't live without seeing you but now he can? Going slow is totally fine but then don't go fast first. Thank you! Finally someone here that gets the point of what I was trying to say! It is not about me communicating to him what I want, is more about his inconsistency! It feels like he likes me soooo much and can't be a day without me, but only when is convenient for him. I tried to bring up the subject with him, that I'll be missing him a lot during that week and he responded saying he will too and that he dosn't even want to think about it. I mean, when it was my holidays he WANTED to bring the subject, he wanted to talk about it, he wanted to make plans with me to fly over, etc. Now, he doesn't even want to think about it, which also basically shuts down the door for me to say anything about it. He went VERY fast first and now is being completely the opposite. And is THAT inconsistency that I don't like. Edited January 6, 2019 by Newheregirl
Author Newheregirl Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 Is he the jealous type? He might have been wanting to check up on you during your holidays, but wants to do whatever he pleases on his. Dunno. Well I might just book some nice holidays too while he is away on his and do whatever I please.
Redhead14 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 (edited) <snip> I told him I am going to miss him a lot that week he's going away, he said he will too but that he prefers not to think about it. I really don't understand this. So I opened up my world to him, he went on my holidays, met my friends, etc, and now he doesn't even mention/invite me to go too? Please notice that he has no obligation to invite me, but at least he could tell me he would want to just be with his friends or something. I feel left out and that he's being inconsistent. One day he can't stay a day away from me, next day he can stay a week? I want to talk to him about this because I am starting to withdraw and feeling resentful. Any advice? If you are being intimate with a man, especially for a few months, you have the absolute obligation to yourself to be able to freely communicate with him. It's not fair to either of you to bottle things up. Usually, all that resentment comes out in an explosion which causes confusion and anger, etc. He's not a mind-reader. Aside from that, why don't you say, "hey, I can't stand being away from you that long" and then ask him for his flight details so that you can book a seat on the same flight and see how he responds or, if he's not flying, just ask if you can go too. Why is it OK for him to tell you he's coming on your trip, but you can't tell him you're going on his trip? Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
manfrombelow2 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Actions speak louder than words. It costs us nothing to give out sweet words, but we don't always mean them. But then again, a person who tells us sweet words but acts otherwise means that person has LOWER INTEREST LEVEL IN US than we thought. Thank you! Finally someone here that gets the point of what I was trying to say! It is not about me communicating to him what I want, is more about his inconsistency! It feels like he likes me soooo much and can't be a day without me, but only when is convenient for him. I tried to bring up the subject with him, that I'll be missing him a lot during that week and he responded saying he will too and that he dosn't even want to think about it. I mean, when it was my holidays he WANTED to bring the subject, he wanted to talk about it, he wanted to make plans with me to fly over, etc. Now, he doesn't even want to think about it, which also basically shuts down the door for me to say anything about it. He went VERY fast first and now is being completely the opposite. And is THAT inconsistency that I don't like.
smackie9 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Jumping to conclusions is only going to exasperate things needlessly. If he had planned this trip before the relationship, I myself would never expect an invite....it's a guys trip.....no Yoko Onos.
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