laradostra Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 (edited) Hi anyone. I broke up with my GF of almost 2 years. Due to my respect for her values, intelligence and personality and me wanting her to succeed, and support her in her stuffs I offered friendship. She keeps posting on social media every single day how hurt she is, how she cannot sleep and so on... This posts make me feel so guilty, pity and also doubting if I made the right decision due to the following: I really loved her personality, intelligence, morals, values but did not have any physical attraction or chemistry I am afraid of feeling alone now, and maybe not finding someone else Just pitty for her The problem is that I feel guilty and I cannot move on, I cannot work,, do my own stuff without thinking about how hurt she is... Please what can I do to get over this ??? I will provide below our story so you have more insights before you can answer: =============================================== I am male 27, she is female 31. We are both expats in USA, I work and she is studying her masters. We are from different nationalities and races. We meet at online dating, and anything started as casual and without any promise. I did feel any physical attraction to her since the first day, but we went with it due to probably both being alone and in a new country. She started to impose herself on me gradually, she started to cook, come always at my place, I spent almost all my time with her and so on. At this particular point in time (almost 4m after) I really loved her personality, intelligence, humor and we were getting along ****ing great, aside ! the fact that I was sometimes forcing myself to have sex most of the time (after the 7th month or so, the initial months I forgot that I found her unattractive and sex was ok). By being so clingy to each other sometimes I forgot that I did not really find her attractive. Also a very important thing to note is that in her culture a woman above 30 and still unmarried is considered a "leftover". So she had pressure for all her family and anyone to find someone, anyone asked her continuously if she had someone or not. Later on, we introduced ourselves to our common friends and so on, but still we didnt had talked about our relationship goal yet. After some more months she started speaking how we would create family in 1 2 years, and other dreams. Here, I got scared because I never promised that. I gave it a try for 2 3 months praying to god to make me remove all my doubts and find her the most attractive woman. There were a lot of doubts like: age difference, both expats without clear ideas or where we wanted to exactly live, I was not sure if I wanted family when or where, I had no physical chemistry/attraction to her I was worried about her being unhealthy, petite and quite often tired, and if she could really make babies easily (also age issue 31 now, after several years who knows when and if I would have wanted babies) Some days I was feeling really optimist (also not wanting her to feel bad), and other nights I could not sleep due to the doubts that I had and worrying that I was dreaming of making it happen. Due to being a honest person, I just broke up and told her to be as friend as I still respect and admire her so much, and I offered my unlimited support in anything she wants. I did this in order to avoid future problems and drama, like cheating, regretting, wasting her life, or not letting her find someone else that finds her the most perfect woman in the earth. =============================================== Edited January 6, 2019 by laradostra
Twizzlestick Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 (edited) “values, intelligence and personality and me wanting her to succeed,” Hello OP. Just my thoughts being on the same end as your ex GF. I dont doubt your offer of friendship was well meant. But your thinking comes firmly from your mind as someone who’s ended things. If you’re truly thinking of her alone, rather than some personal wishes you’re not acknowledging, then you have to turn the tables to understand why what you’re offering goes against what you’ve typed above in quotes. You’ve chosen to end it, that’s of course your right, but that’s where your right stops with the other person. If the other person didn’t want to end it and still loves you then why would they accept a downgrade to friendship? Being dumped is a rejection, and leaves terrible pain on oneself value until healing has had time. It would further devalue herself to suddenly accept friendship. People are not digital. You might have moved on, but you cannot expect someone who loves you to throw a switch and suddenly leave romantic love behind on a Friday and on a Monday start up as mates with all being friends entails (talking about other girls etc). Additionally if you are wanting her to succeed then you need to acknowledge the consequences of your choice and the ramifications to another person that loved you. What she needs is to be left alone to grieve and come to terms. Not confusion. That’s the only way you can help her succeed from the position she’s now in. Only reach out if you truly are ready to reconcile and mean it. Don’t fish. You’re just going to cause further pain. If you’ve no interest in reconciling then you have to keep your thoughts to yourself and leave the other person be. You can’t play with them, even if you’re telling yourself you’re “checking on them”. Ending relationships morally end correctly comes with the same responsible actions as being dumped. Many fail on this. I know! As humans we have to take ethical ownership for how we treat people that have graced us with their lives and love (provided they weren’t complete aresholes )and that applies to taking responsibility for how we handle our choices when ending things. I’ve done the dumping once in my life. And it comes with its own emotional challenges. You have to take ownership of your feelings that come with your decision. They come with your choice. Guilt included. You must not lean on the very person you’ve left to try and rid yourself of these intrusive feelings. Reach out only if you’re ready to move forward. Other than that, leave her be. Explain you’re leaving her be and let that be that. Edited January 6, 2019 by Twizzlestick
Author laradostra Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 Thank you for your wise words! I am very naive and this was my first relationship. I think you are right, I need to let her alone and that my good thoughts are partially selfish also of me not wanting to feel alone and regretting my decision at times, and maybe still wanting to have her as an option. I told her before some days that I was not going to call her even though I felt like it, but she said I can call any time I feel like. Should I just stop calling and checking on her ? (I am afraid I may look like someone that doeesn't keep his word) I think that would be the best to do, even though she may think I lied about mme being interested and wanting to call occasionally to see how she is doing. What do you think ? “values, intelligence and personality and me wanting her to succeed,” Hello OP. Just my thoughts being on the same end as your ex GF. I dont doubt your offer of friendship was well meant. But your thinking comes firmly from your mind as someone who’s ended things. If you’re truly thinking of her alone, rather than some personal wishes you’re not acknowledging, then you have to turn the tables to understand why what you’re offering goes against what you’ve typed above in quotes. You’ve chosen to end it, that’s of course your right, but that’s where your right stops with the other person. If the other person didn’t want to end it and still loves you then why would they accept a downgrade to friendship? Being dumped is a rejection, and leaves terrible pain on oneself value until healing has had time. It would further devalue herself to suddenly accept friendship. People are not digital. You might have moved on, but you cannot expect someone who loves you to throw a switch and suddenly leave romantic love behind on a Friday and on a Monday start up as mates with all being friends entails (talking about other girls etc). Additionally if you are wanting her to succeed then you need to acknowledge the consequences of your choice and the ramifications to another person that loved you. What she needs is to be left alone to grieve and come to terms. Not confusion. That’s the only way you can help her succeed from the position she’s now in. Only reach out if you truly are ready to reconcile and mean it. Don’t fish. You’re just going to cause further pain. If you’ve no interest in reconciling then you have to keep your thoughts to yourself and leave the other person be. You can’t play with them, even if you’re telling yourself you’re “checking on them”. Ending relationships morally end correctly comes with the same responsible actions as being dumped. Many fail on this. I know! As humans we have to take ethical ownership for how we treat people that have graced us with their lives and love (provided they weren’t complete aresholes )and that applies to taking responsibility for how we handle our choices when ending things. I’ve done the dumping once in my life. And it comes with its own emotional challenges. You have to take ownership of your feelings that come with your decision. They come with your choice. Guilt included. You must not lean on the very person you’ve left to try and rid yourself of these intrusive feelings. Reach out only if you’re ready to move forward. Other than that, leave her be. Explain you’re leaving her be and let that be that.
Twizzlestick Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Going off what you’ve said. You should just let her be. But, If it’s been left all confused about contact, then at most drop a simple very kind message just saying you’re going to leave her alone to heal as keeping in contact is only causing both parties additional pain. And wish her well. That’s it, no further discussion, no reasons, your feelings talking etc etc. If she comes back pleading to remain in contact then just say no. If she comes back with lots of stuff about how she feels, hurt etc. Just ignore it. You’re essentially protecting her from further hurt, trust me if you give in and agree to contact all she’ll do is see hope. And if there is no hope that’s not fair. Like I say only reach out if you really are ready to have her back. You both need to stop communicating and you have the upper hand to instigate this as the dumper as likely (not always) she’s in more pain than you and more likely to give into contact. Her venting on social media isn’t your concern anymore, people in pain do weird things. let it be. You’re no longer connected.
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