Strip Club

[SparklingandBroken]

So, we have been married for well over a year now. My husband had an out of town bachelor party. At the time, he explicitly told me they didn't go to a strip club. To be honest, I wouldn't have cared if they did--as long as there were appropriate boundaries. I thought nothing of it, because why would a grown man lie about something so stupid?

 

Fast forward to NYE, we're at my SIL house discussing plans for another SIL and her fiance's bachelor/ette parties. I made a comment like "I feel like people are getting away from doing the strip club thing" and she says oh they went to one for (my husband). I remained calm and just said Oh, yeah I have no idea. I waited until we were home to ask my husband about it. His story changed twice. It was far away, they were tired, they were there 5 minutes. Who goes to a strip club to stay for 5 minutes??? Then it was so and so's idea and they were there 15 minutes and he didn't get a lap dance.

 

I'm more upset about the lying factor. I'm sick of finding out about stuff from someone that isn't my husband and looking stupid. And the fact that he lied about something pretty standard makes me think more than just watching a dance or getting a basic hands-off lap dance could have happened.

 

My ex was a massive liar and cheater. My current DH knows this, and honesty is the #1 thing I care about. So the PTSD kicks in and I automatically have horrible visions of what probably didn't happen. I know this part of it is my own issue, but I can't stand a liar.

 

I am just feeling so frustrated because this is the second time my SIL has blurted out something my DH has lied about or withheld and then I have to monitor my response to not look like a complete effing fool. I'm feeling really stuck lately.

[TaserTag]

Do you find that your husband lies about lots of things or is it this strip club issue and one other time your SIL caught you off guard? Do you have reasons to think that he might actually be cheating on you?

 

I can see how the strip club thing could get away from your husband, with him just deciding that it wasn't a big deal and not worth potentially upsetting you over, and then a year goes by and you suddenly want details about a night that he may not remember so clearly, and he is scrambling. And if your husband knows about your history of being cheated on, he probably did not want to talk about going to a stripclub to avoid making you anxious (not saying that was the right thing to do, just that sometimes in a marriage, it helps to view things in a more forgiving light).

 

I have been happily married for almost 14 years and sometimes my husband and I still surprise each other, and it's not from "withholding information." It's just that sometimes in life we do not tell each other every thing that happens and then life moves on and we catch up with it later. I don't think that you should feel stupid if your sister-in-law or some other close family figure knows something that you don't. You should be partners with your spouse and make major decisions and share your life, but you can't expect to be the sole keeper of everything that your spouse does and thinks.

 

I also have C-PTSD and trust issues, and I used to worry a lot about my husband leaving me or turning out to be someone that he is not (my worst recurring nightmare is literally finding out that my husband is secretly a mean person who hates me, and he suddenly starts treating me badly).

 

It's possible that your husband is a liar and a cheater. I certainly don't know. But it's also possible that you are afraid and blowing things out of proportion, and that you need to work on calming yourself. That is something that I had to learn to do in therapy and along with my husband. And maybe you should tell your husband that those little white lies cut you just as deeply and scare you just as badly as a huge lie. I do know it's not good to hold on to things that are old issues, unless you routinely find him lying about other things too and it's become a pattern of being unable to trust him in anything.

 

If the issue is more severe than the strip club issue alone (actual cheating, catching him lying all the time), then my advice would be different.

[Normm]

Unfortunately your response is not unreasonable.

 

 

 

He's at the very least a habitual liar.

 

 

 

At worst he's lying about other stuff. Important relationship changing stuff.

 

 

 

Either way he cannot be trusted at his word and that's not likely to change.

[nninnaa]

In the very first few months of our dating, my now husband “withheld” a piece of information from a party he was at.

 

He did “nothing wrong” but, I felt VERY upset when someone else who was at the party was talking about that night. My then boyfriend had had too much to drink, so he laid down on the floor and another girl at the event “straddled” him and pretended to dance on top of him? Apparently another girl took a photo for laughs. Can you imagine how majorly I blew up at him for that when I heard about it?

His excuse- he didn’t do anything, he didn’t invite that girl over to him and he got up immediately after she did that. I eventually got over it but we did almost break up because of it.

 

Everyone I told about that told me that was not a reason to break up with him.

But just remembering this now makes me mad all over again.

 

Anyway just be honest with him and tell him you’d appreciate if in the future he doesn’t forget to fill you in on any details. Finding out from others mouths is the most hurtful.

[GinON]

You gotta talk to him about how this make you feel and watch for the shame response. Men will freak out if they get cornered and are afraid of triggering you. Sometimes we lie to our selves about our own feelings to stay safe and avoid hurting others. Its possible that your intense stress about things could be triggering him to avoid the truth, oddly causing him to lie by omission.

 

Compare this to how people that really really want to avoid doing what their parents did to them end up repeating the same behavior. We can sometimes work so hard to avoid something that we counter-intuitively cause it again. Lets say you grew up in a family that got divorced and you want to avoid that at all costs in your adult life and so you never allow yourself to fight or get angry with your spouse. This actually causes your spouse to go crazy because they can't ever tell what you really want and they leave you because you are afraid of everything, have no conviction, etc. Thats oversimplified but apply it to your situation. Your husband is aware of your serious issues (PTSD as you call it) which could put him on such a high guarded state that he can't tell you everything he is thinking and occasionally does, even arguably reasonable things you are describing. He's out with the guys and everyone is doing something, legal, safe, and not breaking any vows. ITs easier to not tell you and avoid the issue (bad judgement call, yes) but it happened, so now what. Its a hard thing to answer.

 

Still, talk to him, with some compassion, let it be OK if he made this mistake, give him a chance to make amends. But let him know that you need him to trust that he can tell you anything! Here is the thing, if you can't handle his honesty (within the vows of course!), that is where things can get difficult and you might need to work on that dynamic.

[TheRainbow]

From experience, he is likely didn't tell you about the strip club because something went on at the strip club he didn't want you to know about. This is coming from a former stripper/exotic dancer.

[The Dude Abides]

Good afternoon OP,

 

I hope you can work this out with your hubby. I can offer one piece of advice or at least an observation from my life as an adult male and maybe it will help you to figure out where your husband is with all of this.

 

Long before I met Mrs. Dude Abides, I went out with some guys after work. They mentioned going to some dive to drink and I said that’s great and went along. We arrived at this place and it does in fact look like a real s-hole on the outside but I figured OK, I have been in a lot of dumpy bars, even ones that were what might be considered not too safe.

 

So when we walked in the door i saw for the first time ever a naked dancer swinging around on an elevated platform and I’m sure it was a comical experience for anyone who saw the look of shock on my face. It seemed like it was about five minutes long while I stood there but I am sure it was only a few seconds before I realized “Holy S, this is a strip club”.

 

My buddies laughed at me and told me to put some singles in the garter and explained what a lap dance was (yes, I was quite naive about some things). I did end up putting a bill in the dancer’s garter but felt a bit queasy about it and ended up making excuses to get away to go the bathroom , to the pay phone (before cell phones), ordering more beers, etc. Simply put, I was very uncomfortable in there and wasn’t happy with being there.

 

I had no one at the time to justify anything to but realized that would be my final trip to a strip club because I just didn’t like it. Not At All.

 

Fast forward to a time I went to a bachelor party and a stripper was brought in. She did her act, got the clothes off the groom and best man, started dry-humping them and then came over to me and sat on my lap and put her extra large boobs in my face. She wanted me to undress and I told her no thanks. No way was I gonna do that in that room and more importantly, by that time I was dating my future wife. She knew I was at a party but didn’t know the details. I didn’t tell her afterwards .

 

Later, after we were married, I went with some buddies to a Baltimore Orioles game. We all got hammered at the game and one of the guys said let’s keep the buzz on and head to a local bar he knows. Same story as before. I was clueless and walked in a strip club and boy was it nasty. No appeal at all. My buddies had a blast and I started sobering up because I was driving. I used the excuse that the smoking was bothering me to go outside to get some air. They were so wasted they didn’t care. I got home and didn’t tell my wife about that stopover after the game.

 

Many years later, for reasons I don’t even remember, we ended up talking about some stuff and I told her about both events. She just laughed and said she wouldn’t have cared back then as she doesn’t care now because she’s not the jealous type and she knows me well enough to believe I wouldn’t stray. So as far as she was concerned it was a non-event.

 

But for me it was something I wasn’t proud of and wished hadn’t happened. The reason I mention this to you is because it’s possible that your husband also regrets any of this and any deception on his part is because he is ashamed and/or doesn’t want to cause you any angst. Yes, it’s a lie but might be explained as a lie for a good reason . As opposed to a lie for a bad reason (he likes this kind of stuff and wants to get away with things and continue whenever possible).

 

I hope you can figure it out and you can regain the trust that is so important for both of you to have.

[d0nnivain]

Those kinds of lies usually stem from the person being told having an unreasonable & disproportionate reaction so the liar lies to avoid the drama. I am not saying you did that. I am saying some woman in his pat may have.

 

You do need to talk to him calmly about rather knowing the truth then be lied to & get to the root of this behavior.

[SparklingandBroken]

Those kinds of lies usually stem from the person being told having an unreasonable & disproportionate reaction so the liar lies to avoid the drama. I am not saying you did that. I am saying some woman in his pat may have.

 

You do need to talk to him calmly about rather knowing the truth then be lied to & get to the root of this behavior.

 

I am pretty positive it probably stems from his ex who I know was extremely jealous. His mom told me that once on vacation she got in a huge fight with him in front of everyone because she thought he looked at someone else.

 

I did address this with him and told him how I felt about the lying and why it was so important that he just be honest with me.

 

Thank you for all of your input.