Insecurities and dealing with in laws

[nninnaa]

First question- my in laws are nice enough to me. However they do this obnoxious thing where they bring up my husbands past girlfriends or relationships and it drives me nuts. It’s so rude. I’m his wife! Why do they feel it’s appropriate to bring up someone from his past IN FRONT OF ME?

my family would and has never done anything like that.

And then I end up taking out my anger on my husband and yelling at him for what his Family says. So how can I handle this better next time it happens? I would like to keep things classy and not get upset and let them ruin my time. Or do you just not say anything and accept it?

 

Second- this one is very hard. No therapist has been able to help me.

The short story is— before my husband and I bagan dating and got together, he was sleeping with someone else, a mutual co worker. I found out because said coworker told me one night. She said ______ and I have had sex...many times but each time he made it clear he was in love with you.

Like I said we were not together at that time and I wasn’t even into him until that point..so this has been a sore spot for me ever since. It has been over 4 years. Til this day it bugs me. Why?? He did nothing wrong he didn’t cheat ok me he was living his life and I was living mine. I think the fact that I knew her, and the three of us were friends...but I had no idea they were having sex....makes me feel betrayed somehow?? I know how stupid this sounds. I need help. Also, this girl is another ethnicity from me, and now every time I see someone from her ethnic background I get so insecure.....am I beyond irrational? I really want to not be bothered by this anymore. He didn’t love her; he was getting drunk and sleeping with her. Why do I let this tear me up still?

[MetallicHue]

Question 1: Why don’t you have your husband mention something to his parents in advance so this is no longer an issue? I agree that it’s completely rude.

 

Question 2: I will defer to someone else on this.

[GinON]

They both seem related to me. You are bothered that your man was with other women before. Not sure why that bugs you, maybe its some sort of fairy tail, hollywood myth, something your Grandma told you?

 

Whats happening in my unprofessional opinion is that you are experiencing unmet expectations. Or, in other words, you were expecting something to happen a certain way in your relationships, and it doesn't, so you go through the stages of grief, just like you would if you lost a job or a favorite sweater or a childhood pet. The degree of pain may not be the same but the process is, you get a wave of shock, some denial, some anger, etc. You hear about your man's ex's and feel all those grief emotions, right? Did this happen in previous relationships?

 

So, ask yourself what expectations are not being met. Do you feel you have a lack of trust? An insecurity that he will leave you or cheat or maybe that you aren't good enough and he can't possibly love you as much as these other women? If so, where do these come from? Did your Dad cheat of your mom or leave her? Are you expecting something bad to happen? Are you going to cause it to happen by exercising your insecurity to the point where you convince him that you are right? Or is he contributing, speaking longingly of old flames? What is he doing that could be causing you to wonder?

 

If you had strong self esteem, you'd laugh with his folks at his old relationships, or use them as teasing leverage. Something is going on in your mind that is making you feel weakness. You should address that and start believing in yourself. I dont know what caused it but you can start building up your self image so that you feel no competition or jealousy from these figments of your imagination. I know they were real, but he is with you now so why are you are letting this stuff bug you?

 

If you were doing this to him (talking about your ex's), Men would call this $hit testing and if he got all upset they would say he was getting all bu77 hurt. His parents aren't being angels but you know your fear is the real problem or you wouldn't have brought it up.

 

I hope that helps, I do't mean to come off tough. If he is contributing, my analysis is totally wrong.

Edited January 6, 2019 by GinON

[d0nnivain]

It all boils down to a self esteem issue. The idea that there were other women before you makes you insecure. You are not speaking up for yourself.

 

Since your husband knows his family's commentary about his past bother you, he should be speaking up on your behalf to shut them down. Since he's not, I would privately go to MIL & try telling her quietly & calmly that the topic of his EXs hurts your feelings, feels disrespectful & you would prefer not to hear about it. Ask her to spare your feelings. Frame this as her helping you, not you chastising her.

 

 

Now try to remember that the co-worker was meaningless. He had her but wanted you. When you become available he dropped her & chased you. He married you. She's completely irrelevant. Try to remind yourself of that.

[BaileyB]

This brings to mind one of my favourite quotes -

 

“Nobody can make you feel badly, without your consent.”

 

Though I agree that both comments are in poor taste, and your husband should really step up and tell his family/friend that these kind of comments are inappropriate at this time and need to stop...

 

The comments bother you because you allow them to bother you. I get that, it’s like a sunburn. There are things my family have said with no ill intent that have touched a nerve and I have had to ask them not to say it again. If you have done that and they continue to make these comments, then you just have to either limit the time you will see them or find a way to be the bigger person, walk away, and not let it bother you.

 

Just ask yourself - are these people really worth feeling upset and arguing with your husband? Probably not.

Edited January 6, 2019 by BaileyB

[nninnaa]

Thank you for the replies-

 

Husband knows it upsets me when his family does that, and he has said to them the last time they started to over dinner “why do you guys keep talking about me when I was 23? Why can’t you ask me about my life now”

It made me feel good that he made some type of acknowledgement.

 

I agree with all that it’s my self esteem I have to work on.

I always admire women who don’t feel bothered or jealous or threatened by past stuff. I’m not sure where mine stems from.

There was no cheating in my family; however, in my early twenties I was involved with a married man. It lasted two years. I was stupid and dumb back then. And I’m very sorry I behaved how I did. Could that be the reason why o get so upset about husbands past?

 

Still trying to figure this out.

He shows me affection all the time, and I hold onto this bitter resentment and o worry one day it will be the reason that will drive us apart.

I try not to show him that it bothers me anymore.

One time a couple of years ago, we drove by the apartment of the company worker that he was sleeping with, and I went insane. I started shouting at him”why would you drive past THAT route? Did you realize what you Just passed by?” And I added that that’s the apartment so many times I had dropped the two of them off so they could go screw each other. (Obviously not knowing back then, I thought he three of us were just friends)

 

Yeah, I’m insane. Like I said I don’t know where the route of this comes from. I want to change. It doesn’t feel good to be like this.

[GinON]

Go get some physiological help, you need to deal with this as soon as you can so you don't F up your relationship. If this one ends, the next one will have the same issues even if they manifest themselves differently.

[MetallicHue]

I deal with super low self esteem myself. I can be truthful it is extremely hard to improve upon. These are all good suggestions but maybe seeking a counselor would be beneficial as well to work on it. It’s hard to just think something and change something that almost seems innate.

[nninnaa]

Thank you for the replies-

 

Husband knows it upsets me when his family does that, and he has said to them the last time they started to over dinner “why do you guys keep talking about me when I was 23? Why can’t you ask me about my life now”

It made me feel good that he made some type of acknowledgement.

 

I agree with all that it’s my self esteem I have to work on.

I always admire women who don’t feel bothered or jealous or threatened by past stuff. I’m not sure where mine stems from.

There was no cheating in my family; however, in my early twenties I was involved with a married man. It lasted two years. I was stupid and dumb back then. And I’m very sorry I behaved how I did. Could that be the reason why o get so upset about husbands past?

 

Still trying to figure this out.

He shows me affection all the time, and I hold onto this bitter resentment and o worry one day it will be the reason that will drive us apart.

I try not to show him that it bothers me anymore.

One time a couple of years ago, we drove by the apartment of the company worker that he was sleeping with, and I went insane. I started shouting at him”why would you drive past THAT route? Did you realize what you Just passed by?” And I added that that’s the apartment so many times I had dropped the two of them off so they could go screw each other. (Obviously not knowing back then, I thought he three of us were just friends)

 

Yeah, I’m insane. Like I said I don’t know where the route of this comes from. I want to change. It doesn’t feel good to be like this.

[nninnaa]

Go get some physiological help, you need to deal with this as soon as you can so you don't F up your relationship. If this one ends, the next one will have the same issues even if they manifest themselves differently.

 

That’s what my closest friend who knows me really well says

 

Metallic- I’ve been seeing a therapist..maybe she’s not very good, we can’t seem to resolve this.

 

I think it’s true I did have some kind of fairytale complex.

I know everyone we meet has had a past.

And hearing about the ex girlfriends doesn’t bug me as much because I never knew them and never even seen their photos.

 

This last girl, I knew. And it grossed me out when I think about my husband was sleeping with her.

 

I feel hopeless and helpless. Like this is just a Character flaw I have and I’m doomed.

[GinON]

 

I feel hopeless and helpless. Like this is just a Character flaw I have and I’m doomed.

 

You are not and it can be fixed. Look into cognitive behavioral therapy. That works but it takes commitment and a lot of effort. Try some new therapists. Seriously, you could have therapist that doesn't specialize in what you are working though and another might nail it in a session or 2.

 

Its actually a decision that you make about yourself. You are in control of your mind and the first thing to start doing is telling yourself you are awesome, and that you can help yourself. Do it in the mirror 10 times a day for a month. It works.

[nninnaa]

Thank you for the support I will try this!

[BaileyB]

Its actually a decision that you make about yourself.

 

It is actually a decision that you make for yourself. That’s also what I was trying to say...

 

It’s easy to understand why you would feel some jealousy toward other women he has dated (my boyfriend has been married before and he has a child with another woman - even though their relationship is OVER, I get it). But, you seem to be having more difficulty, admittedly with this one person.

 

Obviously, there must be a reason why you continue to hold onto this jealousy and resentment or you wouldn’t be doing it. What is it that you are afraid of? Why do you think you can’t let this go? What do you stand to benefit from continuing - reassurance from your husband that alleviates your anxiety, or a boost to your self-esteem when he “chooses you?”

 

Perhaps, you should think of this as one should think of healing resentment. Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die. If you really want to take away her “power,” stop giving her so much attention. THAT is entirely your decision. Only you can do it.

Edited January 7, 2019 by BaileyB

[The Dude Abides]

Hello WillowForever,

 

It’s sounds like your hubby is stepping up a bit to respond to your feelings being affected by the crass and boorish behavior of your in-laws. If it is any consolation, many married couples have some sort of family drama to deal with , and the important thing for both of you is to learn how to stand up for each other. After all, you’re each other’s best friend and partner in dealing with the challenges of Life.

 

Sometimes I am a real knucklehead and Mrs. Dude Abides has to gently remind me that we are supposed to be dealing as a Team with all of the s*** that Life throws at one or both of us. So maybe tomorrow or sometime soon, you can sit down with your hubby and talk once again about this issue and resolve to look out for each other’s best interests. That would mean all the time and every time.

 

Good luck with this one and I hope it works out well for both of you. Maybe your hubby is like I am and just needs a little kick in the butt from time-to-time. There is no instruction manual for marriage and even if there were one, most men are to proud to admit they would need to read the darn thing. . If your husband is the same then maybe you can just explain the manual to him every so often. :)

[The Dude Abides]

WillowForever,

 

As for your second question, I was thinking of something that my wife told me years ago, back around the time we first got serious with each other. She is younger than i am and had not had much experience with men or even with relationships. I on the other hand had already been married once (nightmare ) and had, as she once said “lived quite a few lifetimes before we met”. LOL.

 

I said something about wishing I could erase a lot of that prior stuff and let it all be new with her (obviously not possible, just wistful conversation). She said she didn’t think of any of it that way, and was glad that she was meeting someone who had experienced normal desires etc etc and who didn’t have any odd hang ups or other weird issues to deal with. In other words, she recognized in having found a man she was getting someone with some mileage on the odometer and a few dents and dings in the body work. Her only serious relationship had been in college to a guy who was somewhat geeky and I think she was happy enough to find someone who was the opposite of that. It helped that she quickly could see and sense that she had ZERO to worry about as for as any interest I might have to wander or think about past activities.

 

So, maybe it helps you to put it in perspective that your husband is a man with normal interests, and it was no surprise that he followed up on those interests. Yes, its is a little squeamish thinking about that, especially because you knew this other woman and even happened to coincidentally have been in the area (proximity and timing) during some of the hookups.

 

But he is yours now, and it seems that things are so good with you two (except for the in-law drama ). So many other couples have sooooo much more drama to deal with. You are in a way fortunate that this is the only “story” you have to tell about meeting and getting together with your husband. As far as other couples go, this one is pretty tame (just to help put it in perspective).

 

As far as the other issue (different ethnicity), I dont know what to suggest. In my situation, Mrs. Dude Abides is a different race from me ( and my Ex), and if I get any satisfaction , i know that way back when , the Ex found out and she was somewhat ballistic about it. Totally irrational, of course. But at least at that time it was a good thing.

[nninnaa]

donnivain --"Now try to remember that the co-worker was meaningless. He had her but wanted you. When you become available he dropped her & chased you. He married you. She's completely irrelevant. Try to remind yourself of that."

 

this. is exactly true. am I a masochist that I can't be happy with this? I torture myself thinking of them having sex. Like ...i KNOW the last person before me my HUSBAND had sex with! That's not how I want to tell our story!

 

Even now when people ask us how me met.

on the surface its "we used to work together"

and in my mind its "you and coworker were screwing "

 

its not the story i like

 

also he has never had to feel how I feel hes never been around a guy that i was seeing or dating and its not fair!

 

dude abides- my friends have gone blue in the face telling me same thing, that if this is what i have to complain about, then i have it easy. doesnt feel that way to me! who wants to visualize their spouse with another person?

 

Baileyb- i almost ruined our honeymoon over this. can you believe my level of psycho? We're in our beautiful room during honeymoon and my mind starts to go out of control. I saw a girl on the tv that RESEMBLED THAT girl, and i started in on my husband....i was in tears, he must have felt sucker punched because it was out of nowhere my emotions came up again.

I said did you sleep with her that last night i dropped the two of you off after the party ?!! and he was like...i don't know i don't remember i never think about these things......I can't believe I did that on our honeymoon. I'm surprised he didn't leave me after that episode.

 

I've gotten all the reassurance I can out of him. From the very beginning when we were dating, I asked him why he waited so long to ask me out. He said he was in such a dark place in his life, and he didn't think someone like me would ever even consider being with him. Not to mention I also had a higher position than him in the company. He said he wasnt proud of how he was before (was drinking excessively) anyway. He has said all the things that placated me..for a while...until for some reason i like to bring it up again in my head and drive myself mad.

 

I think I need a new therapist. I have friends who are friends with their boyfriends ex bed partners. They aren't going crazy like me.

 

Whats wrong with me. Why cant i get fixed

[The Dude Abides]

Hello Again WF,

 

Maybe it’s a good sign that you at least admit that this line of thinking isn’t rational. That’s better than if you were at the point where you see nothing wrong with your thoughts. One suggestion is to try very hard to make sure you don’t do anything that drives your husband away while you work through coming to grips with this. WIth time, it willl hopefully get better and you will have him still there for you.

 

I am a bit nuttier than Mrs. Dude Abides, and (recall her comment that I had lived a few lives before I met her) have numerous things that pop up occasionally and set me off the rails for a while. I can see it coming often times, and so can she, so we acknowledge it and cope by prefacing anything dumb I say with comments about the fact that I am about to say something stupid . It’s sounds childish but it does seem to help mitigate any hurt feelings and lessen any annoyance she might experience. Then I get back to normal and we just laugh and hug and I tell her that I love her. It’s a coping strategy that seems to work for us. It would be ideal if I had no problems to deal with , but that isn’t real life for many couples and certainly not for us. Our goal continues to be to get the finish line together, and when one of us stumbles the other one always stops to help. It seems that I am the one who stumbles the most, and she is always there for me. And I let her help me and dont fight it.

 

So, it sounds like your husband is ready and willing to help you when you stumble. Try to let him help the next time it gets bad, and maybe just have the goal to improve the situation with the bad thoughts just 10%. Repeat that effort each time the jealousy creeps into your mind and gradually it just might diminish.

 

Look at things from his point of view. You are jealous that he was hooking up with a woman you know. But you say you hooked up with a married man when you were younger. What if THAT caused your husband to feel uncomfortable? I could make the case that what you did is a bit harder to deal with than what he did. So if you are looking for trade-offs that help to balance things out, that might well be what you need to consider. This is all mental gymnastics, right? But maybe that is what you need to do to ease your mind. You were both adults with some experience before you met. Both experiences could legitimately be “cringeworthy” for the other .

 

You said “who wants to visualize their spouse with another person?”. I agree with you on that point and yes, for many that IS a difficult and squeamish thought to deal with . So, you both are even. I hate to distill it down to a analysis of “being even”, but maybe that will help you deal with this.

 

Long ago i met the “other man” who Mrs Dude Abides was dating before we started dating. It was a chance encounter in a restaurant . Yes, it was a little weird because they had been dating up until the time that we met. He was her only partner for intimacy. He was on the fast track to a successful career and for some unfathomable reason she decided to drop him and start dating me. THis guy has become quite successful and well-off financially.

 

Mrs. Dude Abides and I met completely as a fluke (she came along when I was meeting an old friend for drinks) and even then, it was a fluke that we went out again. Like your hubby, I was in a dark place because of my experience with the first wife (AKA Satan’s daughter ) After the chance meeting was concluded, she was walking away to her car and something made me say without thinking “Hey would you want to go to a movie tomorrow ?” She had plans but on a whim said “Sure, let me change what I have planned for tomorrow”. Totally random, but it sure worked out for the best.

 

So my experience is one that hopefully will be your experience when you get to my age (mid 50’s). It was an odd set of circumstances that worked out such that we got married and are still together (approaching 25th anniversary). Thank God I didn’t let any jealousy or weird feelings about meeting her ex creep into and overtake my mind. He was her only physical partner before me. I had to shake his hand and say “nice to meet you” and act like I meant it:eek: Yes, at times it made me feel Uncomfortable .

 

And yes, occasionally I think about how this guy is more successful than I am and has more money (even though I have never been driven by the pursuit of wealth), and for some bizarre reason I condemn myself and think that she should have stayed with him. It’s stupid, irrational and self-destructive. BUT I do talk about it with my wife and she always gets me back on the rails. I let her do it.

 

I do hope you can allow your hubby to help you through this. Talk as much as possible and let him help you . It sounds like he wants to and it sounds like you want the help. The two of you can do it together. Try to visualize when the two of you are my age (I am assuming you’re younger ) and you can look back on this and have a good laugh together about that time you were a wacky woman and he still stuck with you.

Edited January 7, 2019 by The Dude Abides
Typo

[nninnaa]

Wow Dude, that’s very helpful input.

Taking in everything I’ve read on here,

I hope with my willpower and wanting to get better

Things will get better.

 

I struggle to let him know about my jealousy because

I read that men don’t like insecure women...

Or I don’t want him to think less of me if he finds out I’m constantly

replaying this in my mind.

 

Somebody on here had mentioned having a fairytale fantasy and I think a lot of that I’m guilty of. I wish in a perfect world I never knew anything about his past, that SHE never happened or at least I didn’t KNOW her..

 

You’re right about the “eye for an eye” thing. He does make comments every now and then when we watch a movie or show and there’s “the other woman” he will usually make a snarky comment about it, but not in a nasty way. He is way more emotionally mature than me. But I know that does bother him I suppose.

 

Your input has been very helpful (and funny!) and I hope I can take all the good advice I’ve received on here to better myself.

 

I’m glad you and mrs dude have had 25 years together.

 

I only hope my marriage will survive that long.

 

Best to all.

[BaileyB]

I think I need a new therapist.

 

It may be helpful. YOU will still have to make the decision to let this go at some point.

 

If you can't really identify a reason why you continue with this behavior, have you considered that it has simply become a habit for you. A little mental loop - something reminds you of her, these feelings of "jealousy" come to mind, you loose your self control with your husband... Rinse, repeat, dry.

 

How about you create a mantra that you can say to yourself when thoughts of this woman come into your mind. Something like - "She does not matter. I will not let thoughts of this woman hurt my marriage. I love my husband, and I will let this go..."

 

Cognitive behavioral therapy would tell you that you literally need to be aware of your thoughts, stop the "worry spiral" before it starts, and redirect your focus (thus the mantra). It takes commitment, and effort, because it is much easier to follow the same pattern that you have followed for years... this requires self control which is something you have not demonstrated related to this issue. But, I think you can do it - if you want to do it.

 

Another CBT technique - think about the problem, think about the worst case scenario (they would have an affair, he would leave you), and think about what would happen if the worst case scenario came true. When you can do this and still say - "I will be able to handle this. I will be OK." Then, you can let go of your fear and anxiety.

[nninnaa]

Bailey- that’s a good technique to learn.

I suppose it’s baby steps that eventually will help me to let go of this

Once and for all.

 

I’m gettin a little bit better with re routing my thoughts when I go there, but this nagging creeping feeling always comes over when I’m around that old neighborhood. Husbands brother still lives in that area and I HATE when my husband goes over there because all I think about is...I wonder if he’s remembering when he was sleeping with her in that room every time he goes there! Even though he and i spent a couple of years hanging out in there after her.

 

Oh well I always think the worst. I don’t know how to be happy. I find flaws in everything and I drive myself crazy worrying about things

 

Part of me thinks maybe I don’t deserve to let it go and not Care and just be happy.

 

Thank you sommucxh for the tips, I look forward to putting into practice.

[GinON]

Another thing that popped into my head because I just became familiar with how well it works is to allow yourself to feel the pain for the things that bother you.

 

Just sit in the dark, alone with no help or assistance and actually feel the pain that you feel when you think of those things. I think its different than BaileyB's advice of listening to the worse case (which is good advice too) but this is about completely letting yourself feel like crap and hate it and cry and not try to resist the feelings. It might overwhelm you because the issue you are really dealing with is about more than these women. The pain should be allowed to dig deeper than you feel comfortable with. Let it rip you to shreds and get as angry as you can about the images. Its important not to fight the feelings even if it leaves you feeling totally exhausted.

 

This could last half a day, all day, whatever just let it rip! The day after or maybe 2 days, you will begin to feel better and the issue may just be gone. That is what happened to me after dropping my guard and finally giving over to grief.

 

The theory is that you aren't giving your mind a chance to grieve the loss of unmet expectations and until you let go of them by feeling them, they will haunt you.

[Crazelnut]

Please do get a new therapist ASAP. If your current one knows the extent of your irrational anxiety over the previous woman and isn't helping you with that, it's the wrong therapist. CBT could be just the thing.

 

I also think you should keep the extent of your anxiety from your husband. Sharing that with him will do no good, in my opinion.

[Pastypop]

Your in-laws are just bullies and instigating drama. They might not like you and are doing this to run you off or cause your divorce. Just see it for what it is and let it roll off your back. Don’t let this stuff upset you.