penangtravel Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 I met a guy on an app at the beginning of December, we live in different cities - he was visiting his brother who lives 10 mins from me. He said he divided his time between both cities which is why I agreed to meet. Before we met we had a few long phone conversations and a two face time chats. We met half way between our two cities - he drove me home and then went to stay at his brothers. He didn't stay the night at my place but things did get a bit physical - my rational was that it wasn't a standard first date - we spent alot of time together that day and we had communicated quite a bit before hand. We met a second time just before xmas - and we were due to meet on nYE but he changed his mind due to family commitments which I understand. Before our second meeting I did say to him that if the distance was too much we should stop talking and he sent a v sweet response saying that he found me attractive and enjoyed my company but that it was tricky to meet dude to distance and xmas being a busy time. He then drove down as he was coming to see his brother. After our second meeting I didn't ask again to meet, he suggested meeting on NYE but then cancelled. I suggested that I would get the train to see him this weekend, but I have had bronchitis so pushed it back to next weekend - he was fine with that and alluded to meeting next weekend during our conversation on yest. We message almost every day but yesterday - not very detailed messages but we seem to have a similar sense of humour. Yest he was quite short in his messages and I have not heard from him today which is unusual - he has been onllne. I sent a 'hello' message and he replied with just a 'hello' back. I think I am just being very paranoid. We are obviously not in a relationship and have only met twice. I think I am overthinking it because I am ill and feeling sorry for myself. Feel a bit paranoid that he may have been on another date or something. What do I do about this - I don't want to act all needy as this will put him off. Dont want to just write it off as we are get on really well, I find him attractive and we have similar values in terms of culture and religion which is quite rare.
stillafool Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 If you don't want to act needy then don't. Find something else to do with your time than concentrate on him. Is it this weekend you are supposed to see him? Today is already Saturday, when this weekend? 1
edgygirl Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 We all been there. Early dating stages are tricky. I know it sounds like playing games, but I use the mirroring technique. I never initiate communication with men in early stages, nor I book dates. If they write, I respond. If they take 1-2 days to respond, I take 1-2 days to respond. This way you don't have to guess and you will be able to gauge his interest. Men are simple, and transparent. If they keep contacting us, they are still interested. This daily texting thing in early stages is simply not sustainable and drives all of us crazy. Frequent texting in the beginning. Then one day either you or the guy gets tired of the daily messages. And then the other gets paranoid (usually us). That's why I let them initiate. And when they disappear for a day I try to self-soothe my anxiety - go walk, meet a friend, watch a movie and stop ruminating. I know it's not easy but it's the best alternative. What matters most is - is he booking solid dates in an acceptable time and is progress happening? 1
edgygirl Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 I hope he's been on other dates, and you should too. Don't focus only on one guy at a time, no wonder you're paranoid and feeling almost betrayed. Meet others and distract yourself. He's not supposed to be exclusive until there's a talk about it. Neither should you be. 1
Author penangtravel Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 We all been there. Early dating stages are tricky. I know it sounds like playing games, but I use the mirroring technique. I never initiate communication with men in early stages, nor I book dates. If they write, I respond. If they take 1-2 days to respond, I take 1-2 days to respond. This way you don't have to guess and you will be able to gauge his interest. Men are simple, and transparent. If they keep contacting us, they are still interested. This daily texting thing in early stages is simply not sustainable and drives all of us crazy. Frequent texting in the beginning. Then one day either you or the guy gets tired of the daily messages. And then the other gets paranoid (usually us). That's why I let them initiate. And when they disappear for a day I try to self-soothe my anxiety - go walk, meet a friend, watch a movie and stop ruminating. I know it's not easy but it's the best alternative. What matters most is - is he booking solid dates in an acceptable time and is progress happening? Thank you - some wise words. I do think the texting wasn't sustainable and I am better/less anxious about it when I am at work and busy. I think because I have been unwell for a week I am just not busy so notice it more... next week is pretty much confirmed but I don't want to confirm it again incase it looks needy. I have backed off a few times and he has double messaged me if that makes sense. I think I thought that seeing him this weekend/today would have been good progress and am a bit frustrated that i couldnt meet. I have tried talking to other guys but a) I am not that interested at the moment b) I dont have time - both of which seem ridiculous when I am getting worried about this. I am trying to date less which seems silly but I can find the uncertainty quite stressful . 2
smackie9 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 You are taking this thing with him more seriously than he is. You only had one date. You can't count texting as time dated...it's just texting. It's the one on one, and the effort made to be one on one would be the indicator of true interest and commitment to that interest. More than likely he is on a date, or out partying...you know, living his life.
Author penangtravel Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 Valid points - thanks. Needed a bit of a reality check.
butwhytho Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 You gave it up too soon... now he lost interest. Throw the whole thing away and start dating other people. Don’t give it up so soon - they will think you do that w everyone & not see value in you.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 For whatever reasons, when a person ceases contact with you, all you must and need to do is doing the same thing, which means ceasing contact with that person, at least until that person initiates contact again. It's just 1+1=2 logic.
edgygirl Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 I just read some older posts by OP and that's not her modus operandi. She usually reaches out by text or whatever specially when the guy seems to pull away. She also initiates a lot in early stages. I don't see it as a good thing. I agree with you, and she should rethink how she reacts when the guys go silent. I am talking about early stages - relationships are different. For whatever reasons, when a person ceases contact with you, all you must and need to do is doing the same thing, which means ceasing contact with that person, at least until that person initiates contact again. It's just 1+1=2 logic. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 I think he was trying to send a message when he told you it's difficult to meet due to the distance, which is that he's not that interested in keeping this going. Sorry OP, but I would leave it for now. He knows where you are if he wants to keep in touch. 1
MaleIntuition Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 I just read some older posts by OP and that's not her modus operandi. She usually reaches out by text or whatever specially when the guy seems to pull away. She also initiates a lot in early stages. I don't see it as a good thing. I agree with you, and she should rethink how she reacts when the guys go silent. I am talking about early stages - relationships are different. What happens if the guy uses the same strategy? Two interested people both pulling away from one another because of reasons? 1
manfrombelow2 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 (edited) This is a very good and very frequent asked question. When a woman has really high interest in you, she'd throw away all principles and strategies out of the window eventually. That's the thing with women who have high interest level in you, they just come to a point where their positive emotions for you take total control of themselves, because that's the way feminine energy works, that's the way they WANT TO behave when they are truly into you. What happens if the guy uses the same strategy? Two interested people both pulling away from one another because of reasons? Edited January 7, 2019 by thaygiaogiang
edgygirl Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Well, from my experience, when you date in the US in ages 30-50, it's well accepted that women just don't contact men in early stages until you are well in the number of dates. That it turns most men off and sounds clingy and needy. I was like OP in the past. I realized pretty quickly that it seems to kill attraction. But it's still something I debate in my head. I am not 100% sure of what's the right way to go. thaygiaogiang - I may truly want to contact a man who didn't text me for 2 days... but I won't. Sorry. Prove me wrong. I do think it turns men off. Also, males who don't contact often in a reasonable manner seem beta and uninterested to me. Don't they say if a man likes you, you don't have to ask yourself if he likes you - you will know. Cause it's clear as day. This is a very good and very frequent asked question. When a woman has really high interest in you, she'd throw away all principles and strategies out of the window eventually. That's the thing with women who have high interest level in you, they just come to a point where their positive emotions for you take total control of themselves, because that's the way feminine energy works, that's the way they WANT TO behave when they are truly into you.
manfrombelow2 Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Then it means your interest level in him is not high enough and was never high enough to begin with. If you're really into someone, you would text him and smother him with your texts, because that's how things are supposed to work. thaygiaogiang - I may truly want to contact a man who didn't text me for 2 days... but I won't. Sorry.
stillafool Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Then it means your interest level in him is not high enough and was never high enough to begin with. If you're really into someone, you would text him and smother him with your texts, because that's how things are supposed to work. This type of neediness would turn anyone off man or woman.
Zippy2000 Posted January 8, 2019 Posted January 8, 2019 If a man is into you he will make the effort. He will make the effort in wanting to see you. The effort to call you or the effort to stay in touch. His messages aren't detailed and very short. Although I don't gauge the level of interest by texting. Texting does show in some way if they are still interact or engage with you. In my experience the girls who weren't interested in me just slowly faded Messaging or texting just slowed to a point until they finally disappeared. This would last for about 1-6 months and the honey period would fade and I d be back to square one. The best thing for you to do is still communicate by text if you have to but try to get him out on dates. If he wants to see you he will but if he doesn't he`ll make excuses. It just takes time to get to know someone.
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