Fekenaws Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 I think this could be a helpful thread for those who really need to move on, but perhaps haven't given up that final strand of hope yet. What are some signs that your ex has moved on, and likely isn't coming back? Start your lists in the comments below!
Hollywood-Tourist Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 They boast about their new latest squeeze or they taunt you.
SophieG Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 They boast about their new latest squeeze or they taunt you. Why would someone taunt you if they’re over you?! I’m 100% over my ex and everytime he asked me if I was dating or had a new bf, I changed the subject or refused to answer. He probably knows I’m in a new relationship because he’s still friends with some of my family members or friends, but I never said a word to him about it, didn’t post any pictures of us on FB or change my relationship status. I’m completely indifferent when it comes to him... I wish him the best, but that’s it. My signs were : not answering texts, having no contact, and having a clear distant attitude when I saw him... and telling him that we were over for good
Author Fekenaws Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 Why would someone taunt you if they’re over you?! I’m 100% over my ex and everytime he asked me if I was dating or had a new bf, I changed the subject or refused to answer. He probably knows I’m in a new relationship because he’s still friends with some of my family members or friends, but I never said a word to him about it, didn’t post any pictures of us on FB or change my relationship status. I’m completely indifferent when it comes to him... I wish him the best, but that’s it. My signs were : not answering texts, having no contact, and having a clear distant attitude when I saw him... and telling him that we were over for good Honesty is the best policy! Telling him that you were over for good would probably shore up most people's fantasy of getting back together. Food for thought question, but since you brought it up in the other thread, do you think if your ex went no contact instead of begging and pleading it would have changed the outcome of alter your current perception of him?
SophieG Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 Honesty is the best policy! Telling him that you were over for good would probably shore up most people's fantasy of getting back together. Food for thought question, but since you brought it up in the other thread, do you think if your ex went no contact instead of begging and pleading it would have changed the outcome of alter your current perception of him? I didn’t answer his question about my personal life because it was now simply none of his business and I told him so. I didn’t want to know if he dated again or not because I didn’t care. Like I said, I was indifferent towards him, so if he found someone, good for him, but it’s none of my business.
SophieG Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 If he would have gone no contact, my life would have been so much easier, but it wouldn’t have changed a thing, I wouldn’t have gone back to him, no matter what. I did everything I could will we were together, I was patient, comprehensive, tried to tell him that if he was using again I wouldn’t be mad and we’d figure it out together... but he wanted the « single lifestyle » with all he benefits of a relationship (sex, someone to come home to WHEN he felt like it, meals and lunchs, laundry done... a mom ahah). So no, nothing he could have done for me to agree going back to him.
Author Fekenaws Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 If he would have gone no contact, my life would have been so much easier, but it wouldn’t have changed a thing, I wouldn’t have gone back to him, no matter what. I did everything I could will we were together, I was patient, comprehensive, tried to tell him that if he was using again I wouldn’t be mad and we’d figure it out together... but he wanted the « single lifestyle » with all he benefits of a relationship (sex, someone to come home to WHEN he felt like it, meals and lunchs, laundry done... a mom ahah). So no, nothing he could have done for me to agree going back to him. Oh okay I gotcha, sounds like your relationship was on its last legs anyway and he just ended up pulling the trigger first (just my interpretation!)
preraph Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 I mean, the relationship is over once either party has left the relationship. It doesn't take two to end a relationship. If you're not together, you're no longer in a relationship. What degree of emotion either still has is going to vary per person and everyone is different. You can still care about a person but never want to get mixed up romantically again. You can hope the best for a person and check on them without wanting to ever get romantically involved with them again. One iota of caring should not be enough to make the "hoping" party keep waiting and hoping. If they're not with you, they've moved on. 1
Author Fekenaws Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 I mean, the relationship is over once either party has left the relationship. It doesn't take two to end a relationship. If you're not together, you're no longer in a relationship. What degree of emotion either still has is going to vary per person and everyone is different. You can still care about a person but never want to get mixed up romantically again. You can hope the best for a person and check on them without wanting to ever get romantically involved with them again. One iota of caring should not be enough to make the "hoping" party keep waiting and hoping. If they're not with you, they've moved on. I'm not entirely sure it's so cut and dry, I've seen people get back together in the future after breaking up, even after they've both dated other people. That being said, it's clearly not the norm!
SophieG Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 Oh okay I gotcha, sounds like your relationship was on its last legs anyway and he just ended up pulling the trigger first (just my interpretation!) The relationship was over, period! We lived together, I tried with everything that I had, but he checked out. He ended things but regretted... I didn’t because I knew I did everything I could to save it and it wasn’t enough. So in my situation, nothing would have change the outcome. I met someone, it’s still new (6 months) but it’s going great. I moved on, I’m happy and my entire entourage just keeps telling me how happy and free I look and how my bf is amazing and treating me right. So for me, it all turned out for the best even if I was the dumpee 1
Author Fekenaws Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 The relationship was over, period! We lived together, I tried with everything that I had, but he checked out. He ended things but regretted... I didn’t because I knew I did everything I could to save it and it wasn’t enough. So in my situation, nothing would have change the outcome. I met someone, it’s still new (6 months) but it’s going great. I moved on, I’m happy and my entire entourage just keeps telling me how happy and free I look and how my bf is amazing and treating me right. So for me, it all turned out for the best even if I was the dumpee We all love a happy ending!
manfrombelow2 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Excellent post. I have nothing more to add. I mean, the relationship is over once either party has left the relationship. It doesn't take two to end a relationship. If you're not together, you're no longer in a relationship. What degree of emotion either still has is going to vary per person and everyone is different. You can still care about a person but never want to get mixed up romantically again. You can hope the best for a person and check on them without wanting to ever get romantically involved with them again. One iota of caring should not be enough to make the "hoping" party keep waiting and hoping. If they're not with you, they've moved on.
basil67 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 It's over when one person says it's over. Also, No Contact is another way to show a person that you're seriously DONE with them.
Grisha Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 I feel like you know it’s over for sure when the ex checks up on you every once a month or so. It’s obvious they still care about you and love you but they don’t care to see you in person. By them checking up on you shows they aren’t just playing the NC game waiting for you to contact them first. They just do whatever they want and act indifferent. If someone wants to be with you they will be with you. You know how difficult it is to tell someone you no longer want to be with them when it’s not out of anger or emotion? ITS HARD because they’re technically saying “you’re not good enough for me” My ex told me “I don’t want you to think you’re not valuable. I’m very attracted to you in every way and love you. But I don’t feel like we are meant to be together in a romantic way.” That meant “You’re not good enough.” So I took it as that and all I said was okay and never talked about why she broke up with me. 1
Author Fekenaws Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 I feel like you know it’s over for sure when the ex checks up on you every once a month or so. It’s obvious they still care about you and love you but they don’t care to see you in person. By them checking up on you shows they aren’t just playing the NC game waiting for you to contact them first. They just do whatever they want and act indifferent. If someone wants to be with you they will be with you. You know how difficult it is to tell someone you no longer want to be with them when it’s not out of anger or emotion? ITS HARD because they’re technically saying “you’re not good enough for me” My ex told me “I don’t want you to think you’re not valuable. I’m very attracted to you in every way and love you. But I don’t feel like we are meant to be together in a romantic way.” That meant “You’re not good enough.” So I took it as that and all I said was okay and never talked about why she broke up with me. There's certainly truth there. I think the contact once a month thing is more so the dumper trying to assuage their guilt. It's for themselves more so then it is caring about how you're doing. They're trying to convince themselves that they made a good choice because you're doing fine without them, just like they're doing fine without you. The best way to handle this behavior, imo, is when they reach out to see how you are, you give little personal information and ask how they are in turn. After 3 back and forths, try to set a date in person, if their answer is anything but yes then tell them no problem and to give you a call if they change their mind. Eventually they will stop contacting you if they can't get what they want from contacting you
Grisha Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 (edited) There's certainly truth there. I think the contact once a month thing is more so the dumper trying to assuage their guilt. <snip> Yeah exactly. That’s why a lot of ex’s want to remain friends because you can miss a person and not want to be with them romantically. The two spent a lot of time together and don’t want to all of a sudden cut all contact. They’d rather have it slowly fade away 4-6 months and eventually will find someone else to get their mind off you. It sucks but it’s the truth. That’s why if after 4 months they haven’t come back they are most likely not coming back to the relationship. That’s over 120 mornings of your ex waking up without you. I’ve been on both sides so ik the feeling. The dumper feels like they have all the power and can get the ex back whenever they want (which is unattractive) so going NC is best for the dumpee because after awhile the dumper will lose all that power and start to feel equal (happened with me) because the dumpee seems like they are fine. Either way though, the ex won’t always come back because they usually have their eyes on someone else who they feel is better than the dumpee or feel like they can do better. So going NC doesn’t always work. It just gives the dumpee higher value and increases chances. I was always good to my ex so she does obviously feel guilty for leaving. I bet she can’t find one single moment where I mistreated her. Now that I think back I feel like I let her walk over me a couple times by not standing up for myself when she was hanging out with her ex, but I was certain they were nothing more than friends and she wouldn’t do anything with him. I tried telling her that I felt disrespected and she told me I was being insecure. Idk. This was one event that I didn’t know the best way to approach it. I feel like she wasn’t going to drop him as a friend either way and would have just been fine with breaking up with me but at least I would have left with my power and ego and high value. If we ever do rekindle things will definitely be different lol Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote, paragraphs, formatting
Author Fekenaws Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 (edited) I agree with a lot of what you said. I’ve never had a fight with my ex so she’d be hard pressed to find something to hate in that regard either (didn’t stop her from leaving though!) I also agree with the 4 month thing, if it takes longer than that for her to reach out to you the odds of her coming back to reconcile are very low, she’s probably just trying to salvage a friendship at that point. I never stay friends with my exes so she has less then a month left to make her move, but I’m not holding my breath Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of immediately preceding post
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