peterso2 Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 Hi All - thank you for helping in the past with some questions - this forum has been very valuable. I currently live 70 miles or about 1 hour away from my girlfriend. We have been dating for almost 5 months now. The long term goal was for me to move to her city for work (already planned before we met). Recently, I found a job in this city, so I will be selling my house. She currently owns a house, which has plenty of room. So, as you can probably guess, the options of where to live are on the table, rent a house, apartment, or move in with her. I originally discussed this and she said it might put too much pressure on our relationship. However, when I was looking at places she changed her tone to me living there and how we could make it work. I told her last night to think about it as I was going to need some direction soon on what to do. Obviously it is more of her decision than mine, since it is her house. My question is - any thoughts here? We are both in our mid/late 30s, she would like to have kids in next 2 years and marriage, so there is somewhat of a accelerated timeline here. I think it would work - given we have just spent a week together and spend nights over at each others place on the weekends. I feel it is necessary to live with someone before taking the next step anyways. My concern if she says no is what is the next timeline - I really don't want to buy, so I would likely do a 6 month lease and then this question would come up again. If at that point she was not willing, I would be a little confused where things are going. Hopefully I am not rushing things here, it DOES feel natural to me but again, want some feedback. Ultimately I am up against her decision obviously but wanted some feedback if my reasoning makes any sense at all. Thanks All! Jason:)
alphamale Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 you should put a ring on her finger (a nice one) then move in with her but share all expenses 50-50. 1
Els Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 I generally think that you'd want to date for at least a year before moving in together. But if you're both dead set on kids at 2 years, then moving in together now doesn't seem like a terrible decision. As you said, "accelerated timeline". My biggest concern is if you DON'T move in together but still feel like you must keep to the timeline, and so you get married and have kids while barely knowing each other (especially given that your 5 months was all LDR). You learn a lot about someone when you move in together, more than you'd learn while living separately and MUCH more than you'd learn while LDR. So while it's not ideal, I'd say it's better than the alternative. 1
SophieG Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 I’m in the same situation as you, been dating for 6 months, and here, leases are up on July first, so when I’ll move, we’ll be at the 1 year mark. We have discussed it and he seems open to the idea, but not 100% sure. We’ll discuss it again in March to see if we move in together or wait another year. My advise would be: you both have to be 100% sure of that decision. If she’s just okay with the idea, it might not work. You need to both be ready to live together all the time because it’s a big step and it changes things. When do you have to make a decision?! Do you have time to talk and think about it??
SophieG Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 I generally think that you'd want to date for at least a year before moving in together. But if you're both dead set on kids at 2 years, then moving in together now doesn't seem like a terrible decision. As you said, "accelerated timeline". My biggest concern is if you DON'T move in together but still feel like you must keep to the timeline, and so you get married and have kids while barely knowing each other (especially given that your 5 months was all LDR). You learn a lot about someone when you move in together, more than you'd learn while living separately and MUCH more than you'd learn while LDR. So while it's not ideal, I'd say it's better than the alternative. I don’t know if I see 70 miles a LDR. That’s exactly the distance between my bf and I and we see each other about 4 to 5 nights a week (Friday to Monday, then 1 or 2 evenings during the week). It’s not as easy as if we were 5 miles away, but it’s not 5 hours either
Els Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 I don’t know if I see 70 miles a LDR. That’s exactly the distance between my bf and I and we see each other about 4 to 5 nights a week (Friday to Monday, then 1 or 2 evenings during the week). It’s not as easy as if we were 5 miles away, but it’s not 5 hours either I don't mean the distance, but rather the fact that the OP only sees her on weekends most of the time. IMO it is the frequency that matters. 1
alphamale Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 IMO it is the frequency that matters. but the quality of the time together matters too
SophieG Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 but the quality of the time together matters too Yes, but by only seeing each other on weekends, they still have 5 days apart every week. Living together, they’ll be together 7 days a week... it’s a pretty big step. They should increase the time spent together before moving in IMO. I just spent 3 weeks straight at my bf’s and it did give me an little idea of what living together would be, and it’s different from the weekend we usually spend together
Author peterso2 Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 I’m in the same situation as you, been dating for 6 months, and here, leases are up on July first, so when I’ll move, we’ll be at the 1 year mark. We have discussed it and he seems open to the idea, but not 100% sure. We’ll discuss it again in March to see if we move in together or wait another year. My advise would be: you both have to be 100% sure of that decision. If she’s just okay with the idea, it might not work. You need to both be ready to live together all the time because it’s a big step and it changes things. When do you have to make a decision?! Do you have time to talk and think about it?? Sophie, I have a few weeks to decide. I just told her to think about it last night because if she's against it, I'd like to formulate my other plan of finding rentals. I'm not going to bring this topic up again anymore until she does. It was interesting she was both for it and against it, she's wavered a bit. Places I looked at already a week ago have left the market. If she's against it thats fine, I just can't wait for weeks then be stuck with nowhere to live (although she said I can stay there temporarily until I find something). I also view it as if I rent, this question will just come up again down the road. What else will dating another 5 months accomplish? She mentioned we haven't even lived in the same city yet and maybe moving in would put too much pressure on us. I think she's taking ideas from her girlfriends, which is fine. Ultimately it is her decision right? It's her house. However, I view living together as a critical step in a relationship before moving forward.
alphamale Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 However, I view living together as a critical step in a relationship before moving forward. but remember peterso2 that couples that live together before marrying have a slightly higher divorce rate 1
Wallysbears Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 When do you plan on proposing? Can you sublease from someone for a few months, propose and then move in together? I refused to live together before a ring.
SophieG Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 Sophie, I have a few weeks to decide. I just told her to think about it last night because if she's against it, I'd like to formulate my other plan of finding rentals. I'm not going to bring this topic up again anymore until she does. It was interesting she was both for it and against it, she's wavered a bit. Places I looked at already a week ago have left the market. If she's against it thats fine, I just can't wait for weeks then be stuck with nowhere to live (although she said I can stay there temporarily until I find something). I also view it as if I rent, this question will just come up again down the road. What else will dating another 5 months accomplish? She mentioned we haven't even lived in the same city yet and maybe moving in would put too much pressure on us. I think she's taking ideas from her girlfriends, which is fine. Ultimately it is her decision right? It's her house. However, I view living together as a critical step in a relationship before moving forward. IMO, 5 months is still fairly new. We don’t know each other that well, evern more so if you only spend weekends together. Personally, I wouldn’t move in with a guy before dating for a year... I see a relationship as a series of steps, and moving in is a big one. So if you rent something for 5 months, you’d be able to see her more often and assess if your feelings for her are still the same and hers for you. You’re still in the honeymoon phase, and making big decisions in that phase is unsafe I think because you don’t necessarily see things that clearly.
SophieG Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 When do you plan on proposing? Can you sublease from someone for a few months, propose and then move in together? I refused to live together before a ring. You see, I would never get engaged before living with the person first. It’s different for everyone. 2
Els Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 (edited) Sophie, I have a few weeks to decide. I just told her to think about it last night because if she's against it, I'd like to formulate my other plan of finding rentals. I'm not going to bring this topic up again anymore until she does. It was interesting she was both for it and against it, she's wavered a bit. Places I looked at already a week ago have left the market. If she's against it thats fine, I just can't wait for weeks then be stuck with nowhere to live (although she said I can stay there temporarily until I find something). I also view it as if I rent, this question will just come up again down the road. What else will dating another 5 months accomplish? She mentioned we haven't even lived in the same city yet and maybe moving in would put too much pressure on us. I think she's taking ideas from her girlfriends, which is fine. Ultimately it is her decision right? It's her house. However, I view living together as a critical step in a relationship before moving forward. If she isn't interested in living together yet, don't push it. However, I do think that you should tell her that her plan of having kids within 2 years is unrealistic in that case. If you live separately for another 6 months, there is just ONE YEAR left for living together, engagement, marriage, and conceiving? How would that work? I generally think that people shouldn't rush marriage and kids regardless. Ideally, I'd advise living separately for another 6 months (perfect for a lease), then living together for 1 year or so, before getting married. And being married for a while before having kids. But rushing marriage and kids while simultaneously putting off living together sounds like an even worse idea than your "accelerated timeline". Edited January 5, 2019 by Elswyth 1
Els Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 You see, I would never get engaged before living with the person first. It’s different for everyone. Same here. I am astounded by how many people think it is a good idea, because it so rarely works out well from my observation. Yes, it "worked" in traditional times, but traditionally people got married for financial stability, sex, and reproduction, not usually for love and compatibility. A "marriage of duty" would be seen as a success in those times, but I would hope that people desire more than that these days. 1
JuneL Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 I also think it makes sense to rent a small (like a studio) temporary place for yourself first. You can spend a few nights at her place each week as things progress naturally (and compensate her accordingly). If your relationship survives after those few months, then it would be time to move in together. Then maybe 6-12 months after living together, if things still feel right, you can get engaged and start trying for a baby once engaged. I think having your own small place and space temporarily is for the sake of your relationship to progress at a healthy pace actually. Do you not think so?
alphamale Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 I refused to live together before a ring. that's a good policy
Author peterso2 Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 I also think it makes sense to rent a small (like a studio) temporary place for yourself first. You can spend a few nights at her place each week as things progress naturally (and compensate her accordingly). If your relationship survives after those few months, then it would be time to move in together. Then maybe 6-12 months after living together, if things still feel right, you can get engaged and start trying for a baby once engaged. I think having your own small place and space temporarily is for the sake of your relationship to progress at a healthy pace actually. Do you not think so? June. I agree this may be the right idea to do. Would allow plenty of together time but space alone if needed. Thanks!
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 Move for your job. Get a 6 month or even a year lease. Date conventionally. IMO at only 5 months in it's way too soon to even talk about living together. If you still want to live together after your 6 month lease, bring it up again. A year from now after you have been together close to 1.5 years would be better & you'd have more of a solid foundation together. Rushing things is like trying to build a house on sand with no foundation. It can't last.
chillii Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Seems weird to be thinking of marrying,kids, being in mid 30s , seeing each other 5mths, yet still not just going for it then. l'm surprised that isn't just happening. You sure she's the one for you , seems like way too much hesitation there to me. lf your not sure then yeah just move to her area and spend more time together, don't wanna start moving in if your iffy , way too messy.
Normm Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 You've known each other 5 months and she already wants marriage and kids within 2 years and you're talking living arrangements. Run. Fast and far. If you do not heed my advice you will be making the mistake of your life even if you don't realize it for many years.
Gretchen12 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 You already change jobs to be in that city. Do you like the new job? Is it a step up or step down? Do you like her city? Do you want to settle there to raise kids? Do you like her house? Is it something you would have bought?
GoreSP Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Can you move into her house and pay rent for a while? If things don’t work out, you move out she keeps the house. If things work out/you get married I’m sure it’s possible to somehow put the house in both your names?
Author peterso2 Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 Can you move into her house and pay rent for a while? If things don’t work out, you move out she keeps the house. If things work out/you get married I’m sure it’s possible to somehow put the house in both your names? This is what My original thoughts were but most on this post are disagreeing highly. And dying the marriage kids were discussed as possibly. She's in her late 30s so Honestly that window isn't open forever is what I'm told, researching. I agree I'm definateky not trying to rush things. maybe either a 4 or 5 month lease is best. I can stay there as needed but still have separation.
Els Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 This is what My original thoughts were but most on this post are disagreeing highly. And dying the marriage kids were discussed as possibly. She's in her late 30s so Honestly that window isn't open forever is what I'm told, researching. I agree I'm definateky not trying to rush things. maybe either a 4 or 5 month lease is best. I can stay there as needed but still have separation. If you both want biological kids, it is definitely rough at that age. If she's in her late 30s, even a 2-year window is somewhat pushing it. She may well be unable to conceive a healthy child at 40. It's also possible that she can, of course, but the odds are lower. I tend to think that it's far better to not have biological kids than to have them with a poor foundation in a marriage that doesn't last. But I'm probably biased, since I've never felt a strong desire for kids. 1
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