Still no dates - senior division

[FMW]

I would like a committed relationship, and most definitely sex, just not marriage. I have a few friends in their 60s who enjoy dating and sex.

 

My mom is in her 70s and has several friends who are very much interested in dating (not sure about sex....).

 

As to caregiving - If I fall in love with a man I will most definitely be there to take care of him when and if he needs it - doesn't matter that we won't have a 30 year history.

 

So what I'm saying is - you just aren't meeting the right women.

[elaine567]

And later finding myself single again 50s, every girl l met had heaps of health stuff goin on , l was quite shocked tbh a lot of them were basically falling to bits with all sorts of crap, talking late 40s early 50s.

l was really surprised but the hardest thing for me was finding someone that was still young and healthy and fit in good shape and willing to have a crack at anything and a bit of fun.

Yet another reason for some not wanting to end up as carers. If their own health isn't too good, last thing they need is to end up looking after some ailing man.

[nospam99]

OP here again .... I'm NOT one to ask the mods to split a thread - in fact I hope they DON'T. It's more interesting (and fun) to follow the flow of the discussion.

 

But I'm really more interested in whether senior women are looking for relationships at all and, if they are, what they're looking FOR in those relationships. Granted LS senior ladies are no more a random sample than anyone else here on LS. But interesting and enlightening nonetheless. FWIW I really think I've learned and continue to learn a lot about other people's thought processes by 'hanging around' here for several months.

[FMW]

I want someone to share life with, the good and the bad. To know that someone gives a crap about what happens to me and how I feel about it. I want romance and passion. I want fidelity and trust. I want friendship. I want someone who challenges me and introduces me to new thoughts and activities.

 

I pretty much want it all except marriage and kids!

[chillii]

Yeah well tbh , l think with a lot of people especially women, what they say to friends and family , almost brag at times ,block , act , you see this in younger women too, is just the wall, fear, and not what is truly in their hearts .

So op l really think that when you find your match , sweep her off her feet haha , deep down she'll be good to go.

 

 

ps, and besides , what she's really about and feels and dreams should be very very easy to learn within a few little convos or even from her date site page right there, so ya just don't even bother with someone that isn't like minded in the first place.

sure that cuts 99% of them out but that's cool , you don't want 99% of them anyway, you only want that one.

Edited January 6, 2019 by chillii

[Gretchen12]

Romance. Sex. Pretty simple, actually. You're hearing this straight from a woman in her 50's.

 

These are the two things she can only get from a man. Everything else (companionship, money, caring, fun, mental stimulation, etc.) she can get from other sources (friends, relatives, job, hobbies).

 

So when you date a woman who's got her act together and looking for a relationship, remember this is what you offer. It makes you irreplaceable.

 

If she doesn't have it together either mentally or financially, then she may be looking for a distraction, ego boost or money. You don't want that.

[healing light]

My mom is 62. She's been healthy all her life but was widowed after caretaking for my father who had been sick since he was a child. The last 10 years were particularly rough as the relationship was sexless (my father was no longer functional in that capacity) and his cognitive ability had declined dramatically after strokes. She was widowed at 47.

 

After she was widowed, she married another man who didn't contribute his fair share financially and scheduled optional surgeries (some cosmetic, some not) without informing her that would require her to put her life on pause to for care him. He ended up malingering and going out fraudulently on disability (as opposed to my father who was truly disabled and was being pushed out of his job but had too much pride to go on disability).

 

So, in her next relationship, if it happens, my mom is looking for a man who is educated, active, healthy, sexually functional, and has the finances to travel and go on dates. She basically wants a relationship where she feels like she's someone's partner or woman, not someone's mother. She has always put the men in her life first and wants someone who would make her a priority for once. She wants marriage again.

 

I asked her and she likely wouldn't date a man starting out with major health problems but if she fell in love with a guy who developed them, of course she'd stick around to take care of them.

 

To be completely honest, I think her main issue with finding a partner now, though, is that she doesn't find most single men her age attractive. Physically active men are hard to come by and the sedentary lifestyle turns her off. She looks younger than her age and some of my friends have actually hit on her before, but she thinks it is creepy to date men that are more than 10-15 years younger. The ones she has met that she finds appealing sexually are either married or give off lots of red flags personality-wise (as in, they seem quite mentally unhinged and like they hate women).

Edited January 6, 2019 by healing light

[Els]

OP here. I totally understand this mentality. It's pretty much the 'not looking' answer to my question, repeated by several other female posters. FWIW, my 'spin' on it is that a committed relationship does not necessarily include marriage or extending that relationship to being a caregiver. But, LOL, I think it would be terribly tacky for me or any other guy to throw a line into an OLD profile that said something like 'if I someday get so feeble that I need a caregiver, I don't expect my dating partner to stick around', true as it may be.

 

This is sounding more and more like a 'stage of life' phenomenon ... 20-somethings and, to some extent, 30-somethings either want to sleep around and have fun or find a spouse to raise a family. At the other end of the lifecycle, the 'social security set' have to worry about how 'soft' the 'landing' is going to be 'on the way out'. There is wide variation in the health of folks my age and the risk that even the healthiest of 'us' will 'have something happen e.g. a sudden cancer diagnosis that 'changes the rules' is always there. I suppose the problem with my perspective is I feel great and 'frisky'. That makes it too easy for me to forget that plenty of people my age are more worried about their money outliving them than the other way around.

 

Regardless of my babbling, it will still be interesting to see where this thread goes, especially if senior ladies who ARE still looking post about what they're looking for.

 

 

I can't speak for all 60+ yos, of course (especially as I am so far from that stage of life), but IMO it's very rare to see a 60+ yo who wants a partner just for fun and travel. Many of them have been there and done that in their 20s and 30s. Of course, I'm sure there are some who DO, but your pool is necessarily going to be smaller compared to if you were in your 30s.

 

 

A smaller pool isn't necessarily a terrible thing though IMO, it might just take more time to meet someone compatible.

[nospam99]

I can't speak for all 60+ yos, of course (especially as I am so far from that stage of life), but IMO it's very rare to see a 60+ yo who wants a partner just for fun and travel.

 

BTW, when I say 'senior' I don't think of 60 as a cut off point. For me, and I suspect other mid-60s men, women in their mid to late 50s are 'in play'. It's just the practical thing - my experience on OLD is that the younger the woman is, the less likely she is to consider dating a man my age. The youngest woman who gave me a second date (so far) was 58.

 

FWIW, I'm scheduled to attend a speed-dating event next month. These events are specified for twenty year age ranges. 'My' event is '50+'. Many of the women who may be there would also be able to attend the (MUCH) more frequent 40s-50s events. Again, practical stuff in 'the dating game' - while 20 year ranges risk a 40 y/o having a speed date with a 59 (Mom? Dad?), 10 year ranges would almost certainly make it less likely to attract a 'big enough' crowd.

[salparadise]

So, in her next relationship, if it happens, my mom is looking for a man who is educated, active, healthy, sexually functional, and has the finances to travel and go on dates.

 

This is consistent with my perception of what women in the 50 plus age range are looking for as well. Not much different from younger women. It's all quite transactional, and they often have the attitude that they are a catch by virtue of being female, and expect the value exchange to be to their advantage. It's a continuation of gender expectations based on human nature, with one big divergence––the basis of greater inherent female value (in earlier decades) is reproductive capacity/suitability. Even though that is no longer relevant, it seems like they hold onto the attitude that all they have to do is show up, and it's up to the man to convince them of his value.

 

She has always put the men in her life first and wants someone who would make her a priority for once. She wants marriage again.

 

Which is another way of saying the same thing... the transactional aspect needs to be in her favor or she's not interested.

 

I asked her and she likely wouldn't date a man starting out with major health problems but if she fell in love with a guy who developed them, of course she'd stick around to take care of them.

 

Of course! Same for men. Nobody buys a car with a miss or a flat tire. Once you develop a health issue you're no longer marketable. It's that simple. But people conceal such things, so you have to be careful.

 

I've noticed on dating sites is that women are setting their acceptable age range close their age on the upper end, with a larger range on the younger end. So a 55 year old woman may specify 42-58 as the acceptable range. Occasionally you see them with a range that doesn't even include their own age, as in 40-52.

 

To be completely honest, I think her main issue with finding a partner now, though, is that she doesn't find most single men her age attractive.

 

Yea, same problem here. Luckily though, many women are open to dating older (esp. if he has money). I've had three relationships since my divorce and all have been 9-12 years younger... and all have been right at the menopausal stage too. I know all about checking for elevated FSH levels so we can quit thinking about BC.

 

The sexual attraction factor is different for men and women though. Men don't have a sharp drop in T levels, and we remain fertile (more or less). Women's estrogen levels drop after menopause though, and this causes a noticeable decline in attributes that signal fertility (tight, smooth skin being a big one). Men's attraction is biologically aligned with signs of fertility, for obvious reasons. So I often perceive 50 year olds as being smokin' hot, but 60 year olds not so much.

 

Another issue I've encountered is that some women have no desire for sex at all! I went out with one, a little older than usual, and on the second date I was flirting a little and trying to signal interest in subtle ways... and she ends up telling me that she's no longer interested in sex. She just wants companionship. But she was still using her femininity to attract men. They say there's a lid for every pot, but damn! I see sexuality as primary. It makes me want to ask about that up front now (although I don't).

 

Physically active men are hard to come by and the sedentary lifestyle turns her off.

 

Oh yea, we all need to stay reasonably fit if we want to be attractive. Same for women. I started cycling again last summer, and hope to get into it much more this year. I see it as a double benefit because there is a cycling club here that offers a lot of social opportunity. What could be better than a bunch of shapely women on bicycles in their tights and jerseys...

 

She looks younger than her age and some of my friends have actually hit on her before, but she thinks it is creepy to date men that are more than 10-15 years younger.

 

Well bless her looks-younger-than-her-age little heart. Sorry, I don't mean to be a complete cynic, but it's hard to find a woman in this age range who doesn't. In fact, they often state that outright in their dating profile... or use pics from a decade ago since they're confident they haven't aged much.

 

The ones she has met that she finds appealing sexually are either married or give off lots of red flags personality-wise (as in, they seem quite mentally unhinged and like they hate women).

 

That cuts both ways as well. Not so much married, but the entitlement-resentment attitude seems to be everywhere. They seem so skeptical and defensive, and the more attractive they are the more it seems to be expressed. Feminism and #metoo seem to encourage that attitude the same way trumpism has emboldened many less evolved males. The difference is that it's thought of as cool and empowering for women. I sure as heck don't want to have to deal with any underlying resentment or generalized antagonism in gender relations.

 

I wish it could be as simple as... I will cherish and respect you, accept you for who you are, and you do the same for me. The transactional-skeptical mentality makes me sad.

Edited January 6, 2019 by salparadise

[chillii]

Romance. Sex. Pretty simple, actually. You're hearing this straight from a woman in her 50's.

 

These are the two things she can only get from a man. Everything else (companionship, money, caring, fun, mental stimulation, etc.) she can get from other sources (friends, relatives, job, hobbies).

 

So when you date a woman who's got her act together and looking for a relationship, remember this is what you offer. It makes you irreplaceable.

 

If she doesn't have it together either mentally or financially, then she may be looking for a distraction, ego boost or money. You don't want that.

 

 

 

 

Ahh, there's a helluva lot more to a real relationship or marriage than just that.

lf that were the real case men or women would never get married or be in relationships there'd be no point.

The description is nothing more than fwb.

And he could have dozens of those with women half his age.

Real people obviously want a lot more than that.

 

Maybe you should check out that thread about what we like about our partners or whatever it's called.

[Gretchen12]

Ahh, there's a helluva lot more to a real relationship or marriage than just that.<snip>

 

You misunderstand! Of course I know what it means to be in a committed relationship. I didn't mean romance as in candlelit dinners. I meant romantic as opposed to platonic, love/romance as opposed to being a roommate/companion.

I didn't mean sex as in the casual sex act. I meant sex as being a natural part of love between man and woman in marriage. So it is very simple.

 

The OP asked what women are looking for. When you look at online dating profiles, a lot of older men just list all these adventures and hobbies and looking for a woman to share activities. No romance.

 

Where's the basic, old fashioned love? My parents still have romance after 60 years of marriage, holding hands in wheelchair. And no, that's not fwb. Maybe no one understands what I'm saying, too many people that grew up in broken homes no longer believe in love. To them, there's only companionship, activity partner, no emotions.

Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Tamfana]

You misunderstand! Of course I know what it means to be in a committed relationship. I didn't mean romance as in candlelit dinners. I meant romantic as opposed to platonic, love/romance as opposed to being a roommate/companion.

I didn't mean sex as in the casual sex act. I meant sex as being a natural part of love between man and woman in marriage. So it is very simple.<snip>

 

I know what you're saying and I think you're right. I've always referred to it as fun, a positive happy connection to enjoy because the other needs are met.

Edited January 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[GraceAndJoy]

51-year old divorced female here, 2 years out from a 25-year marriage. I loved being married and I would have stayed with my ex forever if he could have gotten over his affair partner

 

I'm on OLD to find a new husband eventually. I am an educated, professional, fit, financially and emotionally stable woman, and I am looking for the same traits in a man. I want someone to love, care for, listen to, and support, and with whom to have sex, share physical touch/affection, visit kids and grandkids, travel, go to church, and generally face life's daily challenges. And I want it to be a reciprocal relationship, so yes, we will care for each other. I could not imagine loving someone and then abandoning them when they faced a health crisis.

 

I am having a lot of hits on OLD and have had several short relationships, but I am not settling and neither are my boyfriends, so I have not found "The One" yet. Hopeful though--it just takes time! I am in no hurry.