Is it intimidation or real love?

[Uncertainty400]

My boyfriend has this way of pushing me into doing things. I know he loves me very much but sometimes if I don’t do what he asks he bullies me but then apologizes. An example is this:

 

I don’t wish to tell my adult daughter about every time he visits me at home. Its a long story but she’s overly protective so I choose what I tell her carefully. The other night she called and I took the call in another room when he was here for just a few minutes. When I came back he said “I don’t mind you talking to your daughter privately but you shouldn’t hide the fact that I’m here and the extent of our relationship.” He knows she’s not a fan of his but that’s another story. Then the following day he was looking for his coat and I hung it with mine behind a door. Sometimes he throws his jacket on the kitchen chair which I don’t like. Further in the past my daughter has seen it when she talked to me via FaceTime and it created a bit of an issue since I hadn’t told her I had him visiting that night. When he saw his coat he says “guess you learned not to make that mistake again” referring to me leaving his coat in the open for my daughter to see. It wasn’t that reason I told him but that I don’t want clothes put on my kitchen chairs. He looked at me and said nothing.

 

Finally he says I need to post pics of us on Facebook so my daughter and the world can see we are together. I hate Facebook and he knows it but he constantly pesters me to do this to “acknowledge” him/us. But I’m not comfortable with social media.

 

I know truth is best but my issue with him is that it’s my daughter and it’s not up to him to tell me what to do.

 

His real goal is to move in soon but I told him I’m not ready yet I know he will continue to push. Recently he said that he’s not waiting forever to move in and after a few days I told him putting pressure on me wasn’t the right approach he backed off saying he didn’t mean it the way it sounded.

 

He typically is very loving and understanding but I do feel intimidated, pushed and bullied sometimes. Is it just his real love wanting to be with me and live together or is it because he'd be living in my nice home vs his apartment and will be more secure b/c he can watch me full time and not be insecure?

[Art_Critic]

I don't see this all as bullying as much as I see it as pacifying your adult Daughter to the point it is affecting your relationship.

 

I think you should grow a backbone when it concerns your Daughter and this issue...

 

I think your BF is right to feel the way he has when you talk to your Daughter privately.. doing it to talk in private is different than doing it to hide the fact he is there, that must hurt his feelings.

 

It seems to me that most of this issue is caused by you and your inability to live your life free from your ADULT DAUGHTER.

 

Are you sure you are all in on this relationship?

 

Maybe you are being this way because you aren't all in on him.. if you are all in on him then I think you should show him and act like it.

[Uncertainty400]

My daughter doesn’t trust him and feels he isn’t right for me. She didn’t act this way with my prior bf. he does have some lying in his background and isn’t really financially established like me so I guess she worries I’ll be taken advantage of.

 

Either way I understand his hurt but I don’t care for him telling me what to do with my daughter.

[Mrs._December]

This is like the third time I've read this same story but posted under different screen names.

 

Is this the guy that got into some kind of legal trouble and/or he went to prison for embezzlement in his past? And now he lives on his own and is barely squeaking by on what he makes, but you're a lawyer (if I remember correctly) and have a very good paying job?

 

If that's the case, then my answer isn't going to be any different than the last two times I've replied. Your daughter is very wise and can see what YOU can't. The fact that he keeps pushing to move in should be a HUGE red flag to you, especially since you're a lawyer and can probably smell that type of thing a mile away for your clients. Sadly, sometimes we can be very smart and good at our professions but be pretty clueless and make bad decisions for ourselves when it comes to our private lives. I watched my sister do it, over and over again. She's brilliant, has a Master's Degree, and owned her her own home by the time she was 30, etc. etc.. Yet, she makes the absolute worst decisions when it comes to who she allows in her life. Those bad decisions have led to husbands that have taken advantage of her financially, cheated on her, or have physically abused her.

 

And every single time, it was because she refused to see the constant red flags that were furiously flapping right in her face.

 

You'd do well to listen to your daughter. Her perception of this guy isn't clouded by love like yours is, or your need to have someone in your life at all costs.

[Mrs._December]

Recently he said that he’s not waiting forever to move in and after a few days I told him putting pressure on me wasn’t the right approach he backed off saying he didn’t mean it the way it sounded.

LOL. Guess he overplayed his hand on that one and had to back down. You're his cash cow and he's not about to let you off the hook that easy - unless he's got another cash cow prospect hiding in the wings that he's been working, as well.