brent878 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 See my reply above about getting a woman back after she asked for space who is now in love with me. If you want this girl back it is very doable. Just be unavailable for a bit. Cancel the drink and say you're busy then reach out again in a few days. When you do meet up, be confident, skeptical of her, and laid back. Tell her you're not prepared to tolerate wavering. This girl has no clue what she wants. It could just be she needed a breather and is a good woman. I don't know her, so I can't judge. The long letter suggests she really does care about you. She sounds pretty sweet actually. Maybe a bit avoidant though. You just have to be careful to not spook those types of people by being too over the top. Let her come to you slowly. This is advice if you do in fact want her back. That's up to you. I ultimately decided the woman who wants me isn't for me.
brent878 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Because it's about emotions to them, not sex. Men can usually be swayed at least to have sex, and that's good enough for many of them. Women want the whole enchilada. If they sense detachment, disloyalty, bye bye. This is not true. Women turn their feelings off for far more reasons than detachment or disloyalty. In fact it's typically the opposite: they will lose feelings for someone who is too attached or not letting them breathe. My point is yes, men and women obviously can both lose interest - it just appears to be more abrupt with women. I am hetero though and obviously have never been in love with a man lol, so I can't comment. Based on myself though, I have never experienced such a rapid switch. I'm pretty consistent. If I've lost interest, it has been because of years of a relationship deteriorating, or I was never interested in the first place (so never showed anything worth losing).
Author Whatnow8599 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 Update And this is my final update on this. As i say she text me yesterday evening and we met up. She kissed me, missed me, initiatee everything i was laid back and it was her doing all this. She even said i hope we speak again. Later that evening she text me. I replied how we should arrange a drink. She agreed. Today i text her saying 'meet monday evening if youre free xx' She replied 'im sorry im still not ready please give me a bit more time xx' I replied: 'Thats fine honestly but thats me done too. Ill be moving on now. Good luck with your job, your next partner and the resr od your life. Thabk You for some amazing memories but respect me now and dont contact me again xx'
loversquarrel Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 The message is in the medium. Listen to her, she's giving you info and you just aren't listening. If she really wanted to be with you she would. There wouldn't be any of this crap going on right now. She's an emotional roller coaster, everything is still fresh for her. It's a mistake for two reasons, 1.) you shouldn't be making any plans with her, she should and for no other reason than the ball is in her court. 2.) these short breaks and emotional roller coasters are never a good sign and often times decisions made while in this state of mind are often clouded by the wrong emotions. You both need time, even you said yourself that you're not even sure you want to. When you go meet up don't start with the boundaries, that's using pressure. What you should do (if you really must meet) is just sit there and let her initiate the conversation, let her control the conversation and listen carefully to what she has to say and if she isn't proactive then it's not going to happen. No pleading and no dictating boundaries. Instead of boundaries, just act the part like you have already given them.
brent878 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Update And this is my final update on this. As i say she text me yesterday evening and we met up. She kissed me, missed me, initiatee everything i was laid back and it was her doing all this. She even said i hope we speak again. Later that evening she text me. I replied how we should arrange a drink. She agreed. Today i text her saying 'meet monday evening if youre free xx' She replied 'im sorry im still not ready please give me a bit more time xx' I replied: 'Thats fine honestly but thats me done too. Ill be moving on now. Good luck with your job, your next partner and the resr od your life. Thabk You for some amazing memories but respect me now and dont contact me again xx' You're pushing her away with the constant requests to meet up. she feels smothered. She comes to you when you back away. Do this until you have her chasing you just a little bit. If you need immediate gratification and want to see her that frequently then she isn't ready for that right now. If you want her long term, give her the time to come back around fully. If she's not long-term material, I agree, bail.
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 You have been more then fair. Just walk away as you said you would now. She's crossed into playing games.
Author Whatnow8599 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) I cant do right for doing wrong. She said no to meeting after it was HER initial idea. Ive agreed to go along with it and said ill leave it at that. She replied 'dont get angry at me its hard for me too' Now im left feeling like theres no way i dont come out the bad guy AGAIN and no closure. Theres nothing i can reply to that now other than 'im not angry at all but i also cant wait again so im moving on' i look mardy haha that one reply of hers has now made whar was a perfect goodbye into a horrible one where i cant say anything right again. THIS is the exact tension that ended us initially. Its too hard just talking with her. This is the reason we always argued as i feel like it's always about her. Shes said 'i just need a bit more time' and put all the focus back onto whether soft idiot here will wait again. I reply how ill wait and i get nowhere as i look soft. Pathetic etc so I reply how i have done and say im not waiting im moving on and im the bad guy. I cant ever win. Surely at some point shed think to herself 'i understand im asking loads of this guy' Edited January 10, 2019 by Whatnow8599
brent878 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I cant do right for doing wrong. She said no to meeting after it was HER initial idea. Ive agreed to go along with it and said ill leave it at that. She replied 'dont get angry at me its hard for me too' Now im left feeling like theres no way i dont come out the bad guy AGAIN and no closure. Theres nothing i can reply to that now other than 'im not angry at all but i also cant wait again so im moving on' i look mardy haha that one reply of hers has now made whar was a perfect goodbye into a horrible one where i cant say anything right again. THIS is the exact tension that ended us initially. Its too hard just talking with her. This is the reason we always argued as i feel like it's always about her. Shes said 'i just need a bit more time' and put all the focus back onto whether soft idiot here will wait again. I reply how ill wait and i get nowhere as i look soft. Pathetic etc so I reply how i have done and say im not waiting im moving on and im the bad guy. I cant ever win. Surely at some point shed think to herself 'i understand im asking loads of this guy' Ignore her for 48-72 hours. Completely ignore her. If she contacts you after that, you calmly say that you're moving on. That she should contact you in a few months if she decides she wants to act like a real woman. That's it.
Author Whatnow8599 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 Ignore her for 48-72 hours. Completely ignore her. If she contacts you after that, you calmly say that you're moving on. That she should contact you in a few months if she decides she wants to act like a real woman. That's it. Ive done that once before and 3 days later she contacted me to meet for something id left which could of easily been posted. Then it all started up again. I dont know why shes holding back 1 minute then trying the next. Ive just replied to her that i didnt want to meet under any pressure so i retract the offer for a drink now. Im not saying goodbye again as its pathetic saying it all the time. No hard feelings either way and nobody has to wait around now. Everything that needs to be said has been. Goodnight
confused83 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Shes making it so you cant win. Id just simply say "i am calling it a day now, lifes too short for this. Ive said my goodbyes so there is nothing left to say" Problem solved. She sounds immature to be honest and she may respect you more for doing the manly thing here.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Ive done that once before and 3 days later she contacted me to meet for something id left which could of easily been posted. Then it all started up again. I dont know why shes holding back 1 minute then trying the next. Ive just replied to her that i didnt want to meet under any pressure so i retract the offer for a drink now. Im not saying goodbye again as its pathetic saying it all the time. No hard feelings either way and nobody has to wait around now. Everything that needs to be said has been. Goodnight I agree, OP. It's time to really treat this as a break-up. For both of you. You both need to get used to not being each other's constant companion anymore. It's going to better for you not to meet for a drink at this time anyway, for that very reason. You two would have different motivations for going and it's not productive at this point. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 You are the only one casting you as the villain. She started this break up process. She wants out. While I'm sure it's not easy for her, she doesn't get to cry to YOU about how hard it is for her. Stop giving in to every whim this girl who doesn't know her own mind wants. Find your spine & stick up for yourself! 1
Author Whatnow8599 Posted January 12, 2019 Author Posted January 12, 2019 Well today i am really struggling with this now. Weirdly i wasnt too concerned at the start but now im wondering if thats because id not accepted it. It also hasnt helped that last time she invited me round it seemed like she loved me still. She said shes been a mess, missed me, kissed me, etc etc even agreed to go for a drink. I text her the day after to meet for 1 as planned Monday and she said she isnt ready. I got annoyed and asked her to not contact me again and now i feel awful everyday. I feel like ive got no closure, i feel angry at myself for biting at her when i wish now that id just not replied because not replying would of been no guilt for me, no mistakes and leaves it all in her court where as i can then just get on. Im tempted to ring her monday evening if ive heard nothing to say i want to say goodbye properly and meet her parents to thabk them for everyting as they put me up 3-4 times a week, bought us a holiday and spent loads on me at xmas. Apparently theyre gutted weve split up. Last time i went round they told her to invite me in and j didnt go as was visibly upset which i now regret as they deserve a thanks. I know that will give me my closure but this weekend i feel so down at how i handled that. I know why i said it, because the other option was just agreeing to wait again. The hardest part is i still dont know why weve broken up because she still loves me. I cant decide whether its because of her new job offer, whether its me, or whats going on. I need some closure
Timshel Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 My hunch is that she is playing a not too uncommon game of using the fear of losing her to manipulate a proposal. It's childish and misguided but I've seen it before, sometimes it works. I understand that you are confused and hurting but I would walk away if I were you. She is immature and manipulative and that won't stop after the wedding. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 She can't give you closure. Just call her parents to say good bye. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 Don't go to see her parents, OP. You could send them a nice card or call them at most, but meeting them in person is going to be too painful for you and is over-stepping the boundary your ex put in place by ending the relationship. And do0nivain is right; your ex can't really give you closure. That will come with time and acceptance from you. Your ex is experiencing the confusing emotions that come with losing a familiar companion that she cares about, but the love she feels for you now is evidently not the same as she once did. That hurts a lot, I realize, but it seems to be the case here. You say you don't know why your broke up, but you did mention earlier you two had been arguing more. What about? 1
soloman Posted January 12, 2019 Posted January 12, 2019 (edited) i skimmed through your post , sorry im just tired of reading, but ill answer based on your headline, consider yourself lucky, space is easily given, give her space, stop smothering her, if you love her just distance your self. let her breath, i see it says she cheated on you, let that go, if you took her back after she cheated on you. then thats all on you, you cant be mad at her anymore for doing that, forgive her and let her know that you trust her, i wouldnt even wait around for her, and i dont mean go out and start dating, i just mean continue on with your life,. and when shes done having space and comes back, aleast shes not coming back to the same old dark dungeon, she will come back to someone, with a cherry on top. good luck Edited January 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Whatnow8599 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 (edited) Update: It's completly at a loss now and time to heal. Its been the weirdest break up i think ive ever experienced. New years day we go for a walk and she asks me to move in. A day later we argue and she asks for space. I tell her i love her and will respect her wish for space. 5 days go by then she meets me With a letter fully ending it. I leave heartbroken but accept it. 3 days go by without contact & she reaches out asking me to go round for something id left which could of easily been posted. She seemed really nice on text so i go round. SHE initiates everything, kissed me, said shes been a mess even agreed to go for a drink. A day later i text to arrange the drink for the weekend so it gives her another 3-4 days beforehand. She replied how she isnt ready and needs more time. I reply how i cant keep waiting and now i regret not just being laid back about it as it turned into pressure and made her say 'maybe it's best we leave it altogether' I say 'i dont want that but if you do then theres nothing i can do'. She didnt reply. 4 days go by i text her to ask how she is, she replies 'fine hope you are' i reply 'im really good, was thinking about you today though as went to (then added a place we had a laugh at). She didnt reply. 2 days have gone by and no reply. Think its time to move on as i think i had my chance when we met. It was perfect so i wish id just left it at that. Why did i have to text for a drink, why didnt i just leave it to her. Edited January 14, 2019 by Whatnow8599
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 4 days go by i text her to ask how she is, she replies 'fine hope you are' i reply 'im really good, was thinking about you today though as went to (then added a place we had a laugh at). She didnt reply. 2 days have gone by and no reply. Think its time to move on as i think i had my chance when we met. It was perfect so i wish id just left it at that. Why did i have to text for a drink, why didnt i just leave it to her. I'm afraid this is just not the case. Don't be so hard on yourself, my friend. She'd already ended it. What you did thereafter isn't the most important part of the equation. I know you had fun together when you did meet up, but it doesn't mean you two would have reconciled if you'd just left it alone. She seems to realize meeting up and kissing you wasn't a good idea and that it can't happen again. If that was truly your one and only shot at getting back together, then you didn't have much of a foundation for reconciliation anyway. She is learning to live without you, just as you now need to learn to live without her. It will be hard, but you have to stop contacting her now. Her silence is telling you that she does not want to keep that line of conversation open. 2
Author Whatnow8599 Posted January 14, 2019 Author Posted January 14, 2019 Youre right. And i know from experiemce that when ive ended Things the last thing you want is someone contacting you. Its time to get my life back in order. Ive taken up jogging again and excercise, put overtime in at work and decided to just keep as busy as possible because the moment i stop moving i break down. I'm gutted it's over but have to keep telling myself if it was right we'd never of ended. I decided against contacting her parents as the last time i met my ex I told her to say thanks to them for me so its just prolonging it. Cheers everyone.
stillafool Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 Think its time to move on as i think i had my chance when we met. It was perfect so i wish id just left it at that. Why did i have to text for a drink, why didnt i just leave it to her. I completely agree. It's time to move on from this.
Morello Posted January 14, 2019 Posted January 14, 2019 I agree with Expat. It's sometimes easy to fall into the guilt trap and overthink every move to find where it went wrong. When someone asks for 'space' from you, they're most likely done. Yes, you can do everything right after that, giver her all the space in the world, make her miss you. They might come back but then as soon as you open yourself and get a bit closer, they will bail again. Because that's when they're confronted with the reality again and switch back to their old reasons for breaking up or asking for space in the first place. That's why it sometimes feels like a mindf*ck. They ask for space or break up. You disappear. They chase you. You reappear and they bail again. You disappear again. They get curious, get in touch. You disregard them. They come stronger. You give them a bit of you, they bail again. Humans are attracted to what they can't have.
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