MetallicHue Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Sorry dude. Given the way she acted may be for the best.
loversquarrel Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I'm not saying this is the totality of the conversation, but if it is, I understand why she's mad. It seems like the ONE thing men want to talk about is lack of sex, and it is very annoying to women because sex is not their Number 1 priority, plus some men are loathe to talk about the things that are. Give her space. Don't whine if you go for a week without sex. Don't make sex the hill you die on. To a lot of women, it just seems very petty. Again, not saying this is the issue, but with limited info, it's what I'm getting, plus you're insecure and suspicious. You act like you're being generous by letting her go out with friends! We should all always keep our friends and not let a partner's insecurity run us off from having them and getting isolated. So glad you are lenient about it, but still, it sounds like you think this is even something you have a say in when it shouldn't be. I don't think it was the lack of sex but rather something that was out of ordinary for the relationship. It's not wrong to talk or ask about it, but it should be communicated if one party feels off. What's the sense of hiding feelings? As far as men complaining of lack of sex? Where were you when a former girlfriend of mine ranted at me for not having sex... She thought I was a machine....it goes both ways.
anika99 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I don't think the OP did anything wrong. He wasn't harping on her about no sex, she's the one who brought up the topic and he just asked her if she still felt the same for him. I should hope that a question as mild as that wouldn't be a reason to end the relationship.
Author Whatnow8599 Posted January 9, 2019 Author Posted January 9, 2019 It wasnt just the sex it was how we handled every conversation lately. She got so angry all the time. Even something small turned big. Its probably all for the best but the worst part is the morning. Every morning i open my eyes and its such a horrible feeling when it hits you that youve not got her anymore.
SevenCity Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 It wasnt just the sex it was how we handled every conversation lately. She got so angry all the time. Even something small turned big. Its probably all for the best but the worst part is the morning. Every morning i open my eyes and its such a horrible feeling when it hits you that youve not got her anymore. That was the same for me. I would wake up and have about 2.5 seconds of happiness until the gravity of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. It gets better.
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Hang in there. The fact of the break up sucks because it hurts. But it's better than not knowing because now your healing starts so you move forward.
loversquarrel Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 It wasnt just the sex it was how we handled every conversation lately. She got so angry all the time. Even something small turned big. Its probably all for the best but the worst part is the morning. Every morning i open my eyes and its such a horrible feeling when it hits you that youve not got her anymore. As hard as it is it gets better. Trying to motivate yourself to just get going and do something is a big step. Pick something new to take up as a hobby, work out, hang out with friends, etc. Also consider therapy to help you understand and avoid triggers from past relationships. Get rid of some of that baggage and learn from your own mistakes.
brent878 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 One day at a time. You will be okay. I have been where you are a million times. The lesson here: Never believe what a woman says. It's all fluff. Always protect yourself and look out for number 1 (i.e., you). Women's feelings can be turned off like a light switch. It is terrifying. They can literally wake up one day and decide they're not into it anymore. So until you're really, really solid, always keep your wits about you, be skeptical, and assume it's going to end at some point.
MetallicHue Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 One day at a time. You will be okay. I have been where you are a million times. The lesson here: Never believe what a woman says. It's all fluff. Always protect yourself and look out for number 1 (i.e., you). Women's feelings can be turned off like a light switch. It is terrifying. They can literally wake up one day and decide they're not into it anymore. So until you're really, really solid, always keep your wits about you, be skeptical, and assume it's going to end at some point. Hate to say it but guys can do the same thing too. Definitely agree with protect yourself though. Sorry whatnow. Seems like you saw the signs coming with the fighting. She was definitely not the right person for you. You will find someone who will treat you better. Like @d0nnivain said (who always gives perfect advice) it’s an opportunity to start anew and move forward with your life. If you stick around here there’ll be plenty of people who can relate to you and help you get through this.
SophieG Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 The lesson here: Never believe what a woman says. It's all fluff. Always protect yourself and look out for number 1 (i.e., you). Women's feelings can be turned off like a light switch. It is terrifying. They can literally wake up one day and decide they're not into it anymore. So until you're really, really solid, always keep your wits about you, be skeptical, and assume it's going to end at some point. And guys can do the exact same thing! It’s not gender related. I’ve seen it happen on both sides.
brent878 Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 And guys can do the exact same thing! It’s not gender related. I’ve seen it happen on both sides. I'm sure it does, though in my experience, women seem to enter this irrecoverable state of disinterest. Once a woman loses interest, it's like there is literally almost nothing you can do to regain it. I once achieved this, and it was the greatest accomplishment of my life haha. Guys might lose interest but personally I think it's a more gradual slide, or a reflection that they werent ever really into it. Women seem to be SO into it. Head over heels. Totally in love. Then literally the next day just decide their feelings are gone. Baffling.
SophieG Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I'm sure it does, though in my experience, women seem to enter this irrecoverable state of disinterest. Once a woman loses interest, it's like there is literally almost nothing you can do to regain it. I once achieved this, and it was the greatest accomplishment of my life haha. Guys might lose interest but personally I think it's a more gradual slide, or a reflection that they werent ever really into it. Women seem to be SO into it. Head over heels. Totally in love. Then literally the next day just decide their feelings are gone. Baffling. IMO, if the woman is TOO into it, it’s infatuation, and that is sure to die down at some point. If there wasn’t a deeper connection, she’ll loss interest and move on. I was with a guy who was all over me for months, said he loved me, then left for a girl with bigger boobs and tighter a**. I’ve learned that it sometimes doesn’t mean anything. I’ve been with ny bf for 6 months. We haven’t said I love you, but I feel loved in the many things he does.
SevenCity Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 One day at a time. You will be okay. I have been where you are a million times. The lesson here: Never believe what a woman says. It's all fluff. Always protect yourself and look out for number 1 (i.e., you). Women's feelings can be turned off like a light switch. It is terrifying. They can literally wake up one day and decide they're not into it anymore. So until you're really, really solid, always keep your wits about you, be skeptical, and assume it's going to end at some point. Absolutely 100% accurate. And terrifying is a great descriptor. Sure, guys can do this too but I’ve overwhelmingly seen this behavior from women. And quite often at that. The trouble is women communicate covertly which men do not naturally understand. So in the woman’s mind she has been telling you but she actually has not said anything. Since my ex left, I expect every woman I care about to leave and don’t fully invest like I did with her. I care primary about myself and put myself first. I used to be protective before my ex, but I fell for her in a way I’ve never fallen in love before. My mistake. I won’t repeat it...ever again.
preraph Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 I'm sure it does, though in my experience, women seem to enter this irrecoverable state of disinterest. Once a woman loses interest, it's like there is literally almost nothing you can do to regain it. I once achieved this, and it was the greatest accomplishment of my life haha. Guys might lose interest but personally I think it's a more gradual slide, or a reflection that they werent ever really into it. Women seem to be SO into it. Head over heels. Totally in love. Then literally the next day just decide their feelings are gone. Baffling. Because it's about emotions to them, not sex. Men can usually be swayed at least to have sex, and that's good enough for many of them. Women want the whole enchilada. If they sense detachment, disloyalty, bye bye. 1
preraph Posted January 9, 2019 Posted January 9, 2019 Sounds like she was pretty sure but wanted to see if she'd miss the void of not having you with some space apart. Kind of unusual, but not altogether irrational. Sorry, I know you're hurting. She just lost that lovin' feelin'. It happens. I doubt there's anything more sinister to it. Hope you are back on your feed soon and don't neglect to go out and be social soon.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Sounds like she was pretty sure but wanted to see if she'd miss the void of not having you with some space apart. Kind of unusual, but not altogether irrational. Sorry, I know you're hurting. She just lost that lovin' feelin'. It happens. I doubt there's anything more sinister to it. Hope you are back on your feed soon and don't neglect to go out and be social soon. This is my guess too. Her getting angry at you more frequently and over small things is also a sign that she was detaching from you, OP, as I gather you weren't doing anything terrible to warrant her consistent irritation. You will heal. Don't contact her, hard as it will be for a little while.
Author Whatnow8599 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) Update: Well we havent spoken since.... that was until she contacted me yesterday. She said id left something at hers & she understands if i dont want to see her she can post it. I said 'i dont mind im fine now, ill come get it later'. I went round and she was saying shes been a mess since we broke up, misses me, etc. I was polite and some part of me did want to tell her i still loved her but i cant make myself be vulnerable again. We spoke for a good 2 hours. I left her house and she said 'it isnr goodbye i know it'. I said i was going home to sleep as had work early. I text her to ask if shed like to go for a drink and she agreed. I havent replied since as need to now decide 100% if i dare risk this again now. Ill give it a few days then either contact to arrange a date or contact to let it go. I do love her but im more concerned now itll go in circles. Im also concerned that we keot saying how its a shame we dont talk anymore as we where good friends too. Im not sure whether meeting will be as mates or us trying. And i cant ask as its just unnecessary pressure. I might just meet for the drink, see if it goes the same way as it did when we met last night and go from there. We did also kiss which seemed strange but was nice in a way. I think we are both a bit confused and i did mention if we tried again wed both have to be 100% sure it was worth it. Edited January 10, 2019 by Whatnow8599
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I would strongly advise against getting drinks for a good, long while. If I can give some thoughts from personal experience: I broke up with an ex many years ago. We'd lived together and he was a good guy, but not the one for me. He did not want to break up. I felt horrible and was very emotional. It didn't feel good to know I was hurting him. After I moved out, he asked me to meet for a walk, have dinner and so on. I went along with it, naively assuming this meant he was okay being just friends. When I realized this was giving him hope for reconciliation, I had to stop hanging out with him. It wasn't my intention to lead him on, but I was young and not experienced with these things. I missed his company too, as a friend, but didn't want a romantic relationship any longer. We gradually stopped contacting each other and went our separate ways. Break-ups can be confusing for both dumper and dumpee, as you're both so used to each other and surely don't want to cause pain to each other. But keep in mind, she did want this relationship to be over. It's better if you both experience what the ramifications of that decision are; she knows where you are if she wants to talk about trying again. Until then, hanging out is not a good idea. 1
Author Whatnow8599 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 But i must add shes never actually said she didnt want it as a way to try again and i also am not sure i want to. The meet for me last night seemed harder for her than me. I felt ok going up and it was her crying and saying shes been a mess and misses me. I will give it time but if we do meet for a drink i will makw it cleae that if its what i want then its either we try or we cut ties entirely. I did say last night to her that friends wouldnt be an option anyway as i couldn't see her with someone else and stay friends. She said 'well ive been a mess and i told my friends thwy said you never know what will happen'. I cant meet her and add loads of pressure either so ill have to decide what i want and go from there. I wont be friends as id never agree to that but i have to show her im mature enough to meet and remind her what was right about us in a relaxed atmosphere.
nodramallama Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 She's the one who ended things, so it's up to her to say the words, "I made a mistake/I want to try again" etc. Please don't torture yourself and allow yourself to be the fall back guy. Of course she's a mess right now because emotions are running high. Does she miss you? Or the habit of being with you? My advice would be to go completely no contact with her so you both can heal and figure out what you want without emotions muddying the waters. 1
confused83 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) I would say go for it, what do you have to lose? Im suprised at the people suggesting you move on when shes offered a lifeline. Ive read your post and if the reason you broke up was she just needed space and was fed up of the arguments then there is no wonder she'll be potentially wishing things were different now. She asked you to come round for something you left, im guessing it wasnt an important piece to collect or youd not of forgotten it was there. So my guess is she used it as a way to regain contact. The space didnt make her realise what she could lose as you were waiting. Now youve finally gone its hit her hard, shes realised what shes lost and shes reaching out. Sometimes you have to lose something before you realise and it seems she may have (i stress MAY have). So to sum up in my opinion she sounded stressed, asked for space, didnt miss you due to it being space, broke up, realised what shes lost, so is now reaching out to meet. She doesnt want any stress or pressure because thats what ended it before so for me id go meet her and see how it goes. Id not add any pressure whatsoever and id tell her after the meet that i enjoyed it (if you did), and would like to meet for a proper date soon. If she says yes, go for it. If she says no, move on and cut all ties as theres no hope now. But to advise him not to go is ludicrous to me personally. Edited January 10, 2019 by confused83
Author Whatnow8599 Posted January 10, 2019 Author Posted January 10, 2019 I'll arrange to meet her friday evening. If nothing else I'll get my closure as I'll know its never going back and accept that we can't even be friends. I'll again update this at the weekend.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 I would say go for it, what do you have to lose? Im suprised at the people suggesting you move on when shes offered a lifeline. Where did she offer a lifeline?
confused83 Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 (edited) Where did she offer a lifeline? To me someone who initiates a kiss, initiates you re meeting at their house, saying how she hopes it isnt the last time they speak etc etc is more than enough to risk meeting for 1 lousy drink. Too many people on this forum are quick to suggest every scenario is the same story so has the same answer. What has he got to lose by going? Nothing and maybe gains everything. To me being positive its better than just not going and cutting ties. We dont even know her side of why they broke up, she may have done it for any number of reasons. To me id agree with OP that he should go, see how they both feel, offer an official date after that for another meet or walk away with closure that hes done everything possible. The alternarive is walk away now and never know what MIGHT of been. I for 1 will hope it works and await an update as it would be nice to have a positive story on here for a change. Not every question has the same answer. There are couples who reconnect it is possible just dont get your hopes up until a few dates down the line if you get that far. If not, chin up and move on. Edited January 10, 2019 by confused83
preraph Posted January 10, 2019 Posted January 10, 2019 Women often want to be friends after a breakup, just friends. I mean, they genuinely do miss you as a person. But it doesn't work unless both people lost the attraction.
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