cconnection Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 My partner and I have been having some rough times including arguments. During these times we say things that are hurtful to one another. My current partner states that he is having trouble getting over things I said during one of our arguments and doesn't know if he can continue being with me. I told him I understand although he was not innocent. I told him that he needs to decide what he wants to do. He has already partly disconnected from the relationship and is unavailable emotionally. When he comes around he tries to maintain as much distance with a cold demeanor. My question is why us he dragging this out Everytime I suggest ending the relationship he avoids the topic or just says he doesn't know. In one breath he talks as if he has given up but then when called out on it he cannot just say he wants to part ways permanantly. In your opinion why is he dragging this out.. I just want closure and he is refusing to give that to me
illusive Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 He's probably dragging it out because he's not ready to "uncouple". The thought of being single or without you is terrifying despite the fact he clearly no longer wants to be in the relationship. Sounds like he needs to be left to his own thoughts, and you should start trying your best to live your life under the assumption he is no longer a part of it. Also, him pointing out things you said from X long ago and he can't forgive you for is extremely petty and manipulative. If he is going to hang on to that kind of stuff, then this is not going to be a healthy relationship in the long run. Couples fight. It happens. It SHOULD happen. If his only thought is "I can't believe she said X,Y, or Z" even after you have talked about it, then this is not someone you want to keep around.
Author cconnection Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 Right I admitted to him that what I said was uncalled for and apologized to him.. He keeps saying he can't believe I would say it to him.. My thing is ok you can't deal with me because of it let's get it over with and move on
illusive Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 Well then you need to end it yourself. Take charge of the situation because he clearly can't or won't. You sound like you don't want to be doing this anymore either - just sit him and down and tell him this is a waste of time to keep dragging this on for no reason and you have had enough.
Author cconnection Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 Thanks for the advice.. I'm going to try again... It's crazy for him to be like I'm at my breaking point what u said damaged me.. Then you're the main one holding on and wont fully disconnect..For example he took his belongings and left some and still has not removed them nor is he making an attempt to.. I feel he's doing this to gain leverage because he feels like he can't control me the way he wants to
Lotsgoingon Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 Your bf reminds me of a situation at restaurants that I hate. It's when a customer complains about the food to the waiter (wrong order, not cooked right and so on) ... Waiter asks if the customer wants a new order. Customer bizarrely says no ... But instead of just enjoying what they have, the customer mutters and grumbles and continues to complain. Waiter has offered to fix issue. Customer declines. Customer still upset. Your bf is acting the same way. He needs to choose. Either forgive and stay with you and look forward or break up ... and complain about you all he wants (to himself). My blunt guess: your bf simply doesn't have the social or interpersonal skills to work through his anger and decide to forgive or not forgive and to take responsibility either way. He's probably mimicking a dynamic he grew up with ... his mom or dad would do what he's doing to you ... complain ... grumble but not really work through pain.
preraph Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 Maybe he's just waiting it out hoping you'll be the one to concede or change. Doesn't sound like he's going to.
Author cconnection Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 I've suggested that we go our seperate ways if he wants to try it with someone else which he claims he hasn't but I believe he has.. It just doesn't make sense to keep it going..Then the other night I see this SUV back in the driveway and he admitted it was him talking bout he stops by to check on me but doesn't let me know he's dong it.. It makes no sense to me
Author cconnection Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 I'm like answer the question..He's like I don't know.. What is there to know.. The love is still there but..if you can't deal with me then let me move on..I've expressed this numerous times.. Like even if you're not sure you want to be in the relationship at least say we need time apart. He won't say that he comes around then answers texts then doesn't..I just want him to own his feelings and declare a position and stick to it.
Malin889 Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 How is he partially disconnected or emotionally unavailable? How long were you together?
Author cconnection Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 We were initially started dating when we were seniors in HS and that lasted almost 6 years..Then I left him..that separation lasted 10 years..We got back together and have been together for the last two years. After this last argument we had I told him to leave and that's when words were exchanged..Since then he has been turning his emotions on and off.. He started staying somewhere else but then started spending nights at the house..now the last two weeks he hasn't been staying here just dropping by.. Last night he came by but tried to maintain more of a friend type vibe and then he left..That's when I had the convo with him because he has been avoiding a face to face conversation about parting ways for good meaning no contact at all
basil67 Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 My guess is that he drags out all decisions he needs to make in his life and this is just another one. It's who he is. If you don't want to be with him, then end it. If you do want to be with him, give him time to decide if he wants to take another risk on you. Also, are you aware that fighting with insults is terribly unhealthy? If so, what are you doing about it? (And yes, I know he does it too, but you can only control your own behaviour)
Author cconnection Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 (edited) I am working on my responses. I get so frustrated with him at times that whatever is on my mind just comes with no filter.. Part of what he is referring to I don't even remember saying that but he says I did. I'm learning that no matter how long you've known a person or dealt with them you just can't go in on them like that.. I think sometimes I get angry for issues we have faced in the past because I'm always worried about them happening again and the rage comes from that. He admitted that he knows I didn't mean what I said but he says that particular argument and that moment keeps playing in his mind and the more he tries to forget it the more it comes back up Edited January 5, 2019 by cconnection
preraph Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 You might want to record yourself arguing sometime (don't even tell him) and just listen to how you come off when he's not around. It's probably harsher than you actually feel. Words can be really harsh.
Author cconnection Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 Yes they can be.. I kind of feel like its unfair because he has said some harsh things to me as well.. I've taken full responsibility for my actions and told him I understand why he is reacting the way that he has but just not understanding what he is holding onto if he can't even be around me without thinking about what I said and in the midst of that he is sending mixed messages. He doesn't really want boundaries he kinda wants to flow in and out at will
basil67 Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 Again, he's not letting go because he hasn't made up his mind yet. Perhaps you're like me where you can make up your mind in an instant. But not everyone processes things quickly.
Author cconnection Posted January 5, 2019 Author Posted January 5, 2019 Yea I know what I want and what I don't want.. I just feel for some reason I owe it to him to allow him the time he needs to make a final decision.. I just think its kind of selfish of him to keep me in limbo..But I"m just going to try to have patience and prepare myself for the worst. I love him but I know our current behavior towards one another is not healthy and I just want to be in a happy fulfilling relationship.. Thanks so much for the advice 1
basil67 Posted January 5, 2019 Posted January 5, 2019 The flip side of him keeping you in limbo is making a rash decision to leave. Don’t wait too long though. I hope the two of you can learn to disagree nicely
PolyPocket Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 Yea I know what I want and what I don't want.. I just feel for some reason I owe it to him to allow him the time he needs to make a final decision.. I just think its kind of selfish of him to keep me in limbo..But I"m just going to try to have patience and prepare myself for the worst. I love him but I know our current behavior towards one another is not healthy and I just want to be in a happy fulfilling relationship.. Thanks so much for the advice I was on the same boat as you and I decided to leave my ex because I couldn't live in limbo anymore. As much as I want to fight to stay, I could also feel that the longer I do, the more distant he becomes. It's like he hates to be the one to pull the plug, but dreads having me around either. One day I just got tired of being pushed aside and decided to leave for good. It wasn't easy....I'm still getting over it, but it does show how little he cared about me and our relationship when he didn't say anything after. Sometimes you'll never get the answer you need until you pull yourself out of the limbo. He's taking his time being indecisive because he knows you're not going anywhere.
Author cconnection Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 I was on the same boat as you and I decided to leave my ex because I couldn't live in limbo anymore. As much as I want to fight to stay, I could also feel that the longer I do, the more distant he becomes. It's like he hates to be the one to pull the plug, but dreads having me around either. One day I just got tired of being pushed aside and decided to leave for good. It wasn't easy....I'm still getting over it, but it does show how little he cared about me and our relationship when he didn't say anything after. Sometimes you'll never get the answer you need until you pull yourself out of the limbo. He's taking his time being indecisive because he knows you're not going anywhere. It's really starting to feel it's like a game to him in a sense. I understand that people have to come to a decision in their own time but with him it feels orchestrated. Like if you want to let a person know you're pretty much done with them why still come around.. Like why inquire why your picture is missing from out of my room.. It just seems weird. He chalks it u to he still comes around and check on me just for safety or whatever..but if you are so broken by the words someone has said why would you even want to.. A good example yesterday he came by after I texted him and was like I'm just coming to stop by and get some ice..like wtf..then you slap me on the but and say come give me a hug..then after that you complain that I gave him an informal hug..Like bruh isn't that what you implied you wanted to be distant.. I just don't buy the line you don't know what u want to do when it feels like you're just trying to get under my skin and don't want to say I'm through cuz you want a space to come back to
MetallicHue Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 I just don't buy the line you don't know what u want to do when it feels like you're just trying to get under my skin and don't want to say I'm through cuz you want a space to come back to Completely agree with you. Don’t stay with people who play games. There’s plenty of other people out there. Why drag things out any longer? It’s not worth keeping yourself in an unhealthy relationship causing you stress everyday,
Million.to.1 Posted January 6, 2019 Posted January 6, 2019 cconection... Most other posters have been quite hard on your ex and his indecisive behaviour, but I can really relate to why he is so all over the show. You guys have a huge long history together and probably know each other and each others various flaws and vulnerabilities really well. I loved my now Ex. We were together for almost 6 years, known each other for 8. I wanted a life with him forever, he was everything I wanted. The filter between his brain and his mouth was non-existent. He would say whatever he wanted. This meant that when we had conflict, he would say the things he thought would shame me into change. Some were true. Some were not. They were often brutal and cruel. I loved him, so I took it on board...tried to except his bluntness..... but hearing these things, over time, eroded my self esteem, and our intimacy. It clouded the good times, subconsciously. I almost didn't trust him when he was loving because the "truth" would come out eventually when anger rose. My memories of him saying (many different) things over the years are clear as day. They are embedded in my mind. I'm not saying that I never said a bad thing to him, but he really knew how to hit hard with his words, and he did. and it ultimately took its toll on our relationship because I completely froze him out as a way to protect myself. Since we broke-up, I have realised (and been told) that it was verbal abusive. It has taken a huge toll on me and my life and how i feel about myself. I'm not saying that you are the same... but i think you should be a little more understanding of your BF and not knowing what to do. Words can hurt and stay with you for a long time and it's difficult to know what to do with them when they come from the person who is supposed to love you.
Author cconnection Posted January 6, 2019 Author Posted January 6, 2019 (edited) cconection... Most other posters have been quite hard on your ex and his indecisive behaviour, but I can really relate to why he is so all over the show. <snip> He mentioned that and I feel like he holds me to a higher standard than him because he hasn't said the same things I have.. It just gets me because when he has said some things that hit below the belt he kind of wants you to brush it off and keep moving but now that it's me o this is so unforgiveable.. I just don't see the reason to drag something out like this and still want to be involved in a person's life.. I can't take the words back and have apologized.. I realize it's difficult on both ends to end it.. He's making it like that's not what he wants to do.. I'm just riding the wave right now and preparing myself for the moment he decides he is through period.. Edited January 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Fekenaws Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 If I was you I'd make the power move and say you're breaking up and go No Contact. He is acting immaturely and clearly needs to rethink your relationship. Let him see how life is without you. If you let him stay around while he's acting cold and indifferent he could be very well gathering girls to get into his orbit before he bails. No one needs that. The threat of breaking up is serious and he wouldn't have brought it up unless it was a heated argument or it has been weighing on his mind for a while.
Author cconnection Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 If I was you I'd make the power move and say you're breaking up and go No Contact. He is acting immaturely and clearly needs to rethink your relationship. Let him see how life is without you. If you let him stay around while he's acting cold and indifferent he could be very well gathering girls to get into his orbit before he bails. No one needs that. The threat of breaking up is serious and he wouldn't have brought it up unless it was a heated argument or it has been weighing on his mind for a while. I initially told him to leave and broke up with him..but most times he doesn't acknowledge it.. I encouraged him to go be with who he wants to be with.. He seems to not know how to make a clean break of it.. Like last night he came over and slept over on the couch..then we were conversating and he's like this is my house.. Then he came by again and saying ish like if he doesn't get help from me he doesn't have anyone else.. I'm confused.. The only reason I'm even letting this go on is because of how long we'e known each other and the fact that I'm not looking to start dealing with other people.. It seems that he comes by unexpectantly to peep the scene and make sure noone is taking his place
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