I was over him until I saw him

[brownygoldy]

So I’m 28, he’s 26. We met when I was 27 and he was 25. Although not a significant age difference, the fact that I’m the female and he was 2 years younger than me did initially make me slightly hesitant as I’d never dated a younger guy before but my preconceptions were quickly thrown out of the window when I got to know him and realised that age really is just a number and has no factor on your connection with a person.

 

I met him at a community dating event organised by my aunt. Although I wasn’t ready to meet somebody due to various reasons, I attended because I was essentially forced as it was a family run event and also for the social side of things - there were drinks and familiar faces so it was a case of ‘why not’?

 

We ‘ticked’ each other during the event, and a group of friends/family including myself and him continued the night at my aunt’s house. We bonded over our love of wine, and continued talking the whole night including in the club later on. At the time I was getting over an ex (had been getting over him for over a year) and succeeded in doing so through meeting this new guy.

 

Nothing physical happened that night, we didn’t even exchange numbers. He received my number formally through the event a week after and sent me a message.

 

The conversations were humorous and lighthearted with a touch of deepness - not philosophical deepness but more a mutual maturity in looking at life.

 

He was reliable with messaging, very cute and I grew to like him. An early warning sign before we met again - my father got taken into hospital suddenly and when I shared this with him, I expected empathy and moral support (my approach), his approach was to share funny pictures with me. I did raise this with him and he apologised saying he was trying to distract me. Minor conflict resolved and it wasn’t enough to put me off continuing as we spoke about it and cleared it successfully.

 

We meet up at a restaurant for food and drinks, he pays the expensive bill. He opens up about losing both his parents at a young age, I walk across to his side of the table and hug him. He said that he doesn’t usually share this or talk about it with people but felt comfortable with me. We go back to mine, talk and drink and laugh more, I massage his stiff back (we were a couple of bottles of wine down!) but nothing happens - no kissing, nothing.

 

We meet again at mine twice after to eat pizza, talk, spend time and watch films and the furthest we go is him massaging my feet...

 

Eventually we do kiss and it just takes the flirting and conversation to a heightened level.

 

He moves jobs and city and I go to visit him on his first night there, we sleep together, it’s amazing. Not amazing in the passionate sense but amazing in the sense it unfolded completely naturally, no uncomfortable or awkward feelings and our bodies just ‘vibed’.

 

We spend the next day together and eventually an extreme sexual guilt dawns upon me - this is related to past issues of mine but due to my emotional instability (which is why I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship) I end things with him.

 

He’s incredibly supportive and so we continue talking and meeting. The sex just gets better and better, wilder and wilder and we develop an unspeakable connection. I did things with him I didn’t do during a 6 year relationship where the sex was also intense. (The only 2 men I’ve had a good sexual connection with).

 

We’re in November 2017 now (met in October) and I’m planning to go travelling in March for 2 months. He supports my decision but questions the future of our relationship and his place in my life. I suggest him meeting me out there, and we agree it’ll be a test to the strength of our relationship.

 

We meet regularly at my place and the dynamic of our relationship becomes me cooking and looking after him, trying to fill the gap left by the loss of his parents. This is unspoken. I also pay for any food we get which is a lot as we’d spend days together. Although he is incredibly independent and mature in some senses, his personality can be quite childish - in the way he speaks by text or the way he sits on the sofa whilst I cook and wash up. A small example - he sees himself as a monkey and uses this emoji to describe himself, lol.

 

We go to Winter Wonderland, and I see on his phone that he is in contact with another female he ‘ticked’ at the dating event - somebody he said he didn’t speak to at all. I react by questioning him and making it clear I don’t like liars and would rather the harsh truth, and he calls me a ‘chimp’ in reference to the chimp paradox. My mood is ruined for the evening and when we go back he sleeps on the sofa and refuses to communicate. He explains the relationship as a ‘casual Snapchat one’ - they hadn’t met but occasionally communicated online. We eventually work it out but not really...

 

Come New Years Eve, he spends it without me at a house party held by his best friend. A bit of background - his long term ex had broke with him due to this female best friend. They apparently had never had anything physical but had slept in the same beds before. I wasn’t happy. His defence was its an innocent relationship and that I would have been invited if we were in a concrete relationship.

 

Come my birthday, we don’t spend it together as we’re not talking as in my opinion he is too emotionally immature for a relationship and in his view he isn’t ready to take the steps to secure a concrete relationship. He sends a sweet message saying he hopes I’m having a great day and he wishes he could have spent it with me.

 

We eventually go back to normal but the dynamic doesn’t change. Come my travelling date, we plan to meet before I leave. He changes his mind saying there is no point and we have no foundations. I feel upset and slightly used but I have travelling to look forward to. I spend the first month away with him in the back of my mind and eventually get in touch - he tells me misses me too but he has met somebody as he is trying to move on from us and the stress of us.. I end the conversation and eventually he sleeps with her. He says this happened because I reinforced the ending but I feel if he wanted me back he could have prioritised us. I am in shock as I could barely think of other men due to the strong connection I had with him and wonder how he managed to sleep with somebody else.

 

I grieve the finality for a week and eventually become resilient to it and enjoy the rest of my trip with a friend. I do meet a man nearing the end of my trip and we kiss but nothing more.

 

Touchdown UK and we get in touch again. Things have ended with the person he was seeing as the connection wasn’t there and we agree to meet for a catch-up, we meet for lunch and go to the park and the chemistry is simply sizzling. We haven’t touched each other yet both are so into each other... he changes his coach back to later and comes back to mine and yes things happen.

 

We agree to see how things go and long story short we do that until October 2018. Every meet ends with an argument - I need reassurance and concrete actions to build back trust and he isn’t ready to show those as he feels pressured. Come October 2018 to his birthday, I bake a cake for him, and yet again the weekend ends in an argument. I leave for fresh air and he shamelessly sits in my flat helping himself to my food and ignoring me when I come back. I ask him what he wants and he tells me that he’s only staying another night for his convenience as his transport was booked for the following day. I look up the next coach back to his city and ask him to get this. No fiery arguments, just pure defeat and acceptance that this relationship is not going anywhere.

 

We don’t speak for 2 months, I move on and make my peace with it, even replace my lust for him with healthier outlets. We eventually speak online and clear the air and establish a casual friendship with a hint of flirting.

 

The night after, I meet him by chance on a night out. This takes us to two weekends ago on a Saturday. I wasn’t keen to go on a night out but was forced by a friend of mine to ‘get out and have fun’ so thought what’s the worst that can happen? And that question was duly answered. We saw each other in a bar, spoke briefly and the conversation ended fine. I decide with my friends to leave for another bar to avoid anything happening as more drinks flow and he comes to the next place that we go after asking me where we are. By that time, I have fallen down (fully accountable for this along with a lot of rum!) and my arm has swollen. I’m in excruciating pain and know I need medical care, my friends are too drunk to take notice and come with me so I go alone. He contacts me to ask where I am and I’m alone in the hospital crying in pain feeling sorry for myself so tell him this.

 

He comes and joins me and looks after me like the husband of the year would. Takes my bag, undresses me into the hospital gown, cuddles me and takes care of everything. The feelings are fully reignited on my side and we spend the rest of the night together in a hotel, we sleep together and cuddle for a while and then he leaves. I ask him not to as I’m feeling physically and emotionally broken and alone yet he still does, after dressing me due to my injured arm.

 

We speak afterwards, I am open about how I feel about him and the connection I feel, he tells me he can’t go back to a stressful situation that wasn’t working out and is looking to the future. He tells me any desire he had for me is gone which is the ultimate stab as the connection was the strongest thing between us.. and it was there just a couple of nights before on the Saturday night.

 

It’s been 2 weeks since, I’ve tried not to contact him yet failed. He’s always been open to us talking and has always liked to hear from me, yet has now blocked me on most things. He’s said he wants to have a clear mind for when he meets somebody else, yet all I want is to go back to our cosy weekends at my flat. Granted he took advantage there in some respects but the feeling of comfort, love, connection, pure peace along with the sexual chemistry makes it hard for me not to long for that.

 

I have been dealing with an illness for the past 3 years and haven’t worked for the past year so can understand why this would be unattractive to a potential partner - he is thriving in life. He has said we are too different. His perspective makes complete sense but I am struggling with the feelings side of things and want him back in my life.

 

Seeing him 2 weekends ago has traumatised me in a way due to the circumstances that it was in, and I can’t fathom why I was doing so well with moving on and making my peace with the situation, to the extent that the day before I saw him I actually said to myself I wouldn’t let him come round again, and would only meet him for a coffee, to now sleeping for as long as possible to avoid thinking about him. Since the injury and incident, I have felt emotionally and physically drained and depleted and feel like all the resilience I had built up has just been thrown out of the window.

 

Any insights/advice are much appreciated, thank you.

Edited January 4, 2019 by brownygoldy

[preraph]

He's not ready to settle down and you're not the one for him because, as he says, it's too much pressure from your end. You're not a match. He's not ever anywhere near ready, to begin with. When he does match, it's going to be with someone who isn't that insecure and in need all the time.

[brownygoldy]

When he does match, it's going to be with someone who isn't that insecure and in need all the time.

 

Any practical advice on this then instead of just making a bold statement with no helpful follow up? And were my insecurities related to him really that unwarranted when he had broken my trust in the past?

 

I can accept where I am unreasonably emotional shaky such as the random feeling of extreme sexual guilt related to my past which then directly affected my relationship with him, but does it seem that I have major insecurity issues from your objective standpoint?

Edited January 4, 2019 by brownygoldy

[stillafool]

The only advice I have for you is to stay away from him. You care more than he does and he's making it known. He is telling you that he's looking for his next love but you continue to see him. Why? You will stay in pain if you insist on seeing or communicating with this man. BTW, get some new friends. I don't care how drunk me and my friends are we would never ignore each other after a painful fall and had to go to ER.

[preraph]

His continuing to be interested in other women is exactly why I say he is not ready to settle down and be who you want him to be. And he's mentioned to you more than once you're pressuring him. I guess whether you're insecure is kind of a moot point, but then this scenario begs the question why you are trying to make this relationship something it simply isn't. You already know it by his actions and his words. He's not who you hoped he would be. He's not ever going to be.

[basil67]

You dumped him after the first time you slept together due to your unresolved issues. Did you ever officially get back together?

[brownygoldy]

Preraph and Stillafool, your observations are correct.

 

I had accepted these points during our period of no contact after our last planned meeting in October, but seeing him in the circumstances I did 2 weeks ago (night out, injured arm) whilst under the influence of alcohol lowered my inhibitions and I made some unwise decisions. It’s this that I’m struggling to recover from. I know I can’t change the past so it’s a matter of accepting what’s happened and moving on, but I’m struggling to, especially after the intensity and hot behaviour of him that night, to the coldness experienced shortly afterwards.

 

I feel like this incident just took me 10 steps back. I had my reasons for walking away back in October, and since then I’ve experienced something pretty major with him and it’s hard for me to get him out of my mind at the moment.

 

Stillafool, I agree with your point about new friends but it’s difficult to break away from your childhood friends circle. I’ve always been the more independent friend moved cities for uni and then lived and worked in China, then moved to London for a job) compared to this circle and in hindsight I feel this garnered some sort of ‘respect’ or ‘looking up to me’ - they’d come to me for advice on professional matters. I’ve also always been there for them through thick and thin, eg the first time I went travelling alone during uni, my friends step dad committed suicide, back then WiFi and travelling bolt ons weren’t widely used and so I used to text her back and forth everyday supporting her through the process, which cost me a lot, but it’s what you do for a friend right? This same friend’s father died last year and although I’ve been going through health struggles of my own, I was at her house every day for 13 days during the cultural mourning period and helped her to write her speech for the funeral. Another friend who was there that night was going through marital difficulties whilst I was travelling alone last year in March as mentioned in my initial post, and we were on Skype everyday with her crying her eyes out and me being there for her. She actually then came out to meet me during the last portion of my travel for a break.

 

So I thought that I had strong friendship bonds with these people, but these same friends have now seen my pain (through the arm injury) and I’ve also previously tried to open up to them about my health struggles of the past 3 years, where I’ve lost my independence and it’s caused me depression, and I feel like they’ve lost respect for me as a result of this and just haven’t been the good friends I thought they were. It’s been pretty much the same case with other friends, I guess people are just too busy with their own lives. The majority of the time I’m fine, I can put a happy face on, I have some sort of energy to continue with normal life and these social encounters work well. But when I’m rock bottom like I have been for the past 2 weeks, I could really do with a long chat in our PJs and a cup of tea and they’re nowhere to be seen.

 

I am having certain realisations but at the moment with my health struggles which take away my energy along with the emotional pain with this man, and additional stress such as my sister’s wedding planning which I am in charge of, I can’t see a tangible way forward.

[brownygoldy]

You dumped him after the first time you slept together due to your unresolved issues. Did you ever officially get back together?

 

We were never officially in a relationship before or after this incident. Both of us agreed that things were too up and down to make that decision and so we were constantly on a path to make things better but just never really got there. He hit the nail on the head when he said we didn’t have good foundations.

 

I had accepted this and peacefully walked away in October, but it’s the incident 2 weeks ago that has shaken me and made it difficult, with the vivid memories of the closeness that night in hospital and afterwards, and the intensity of it.