olivetree Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 I don't find "let's go do..." forceful or desperate. It sounds assertive to me. Hell, I like it when my gf's (I'm a woman) say "let's go!" It'd be desperate if you keep pursuing when it's clear she isn't interested.
PRW Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 First point: Dont agree, look i know you have to be all 'alpha male and that' Well there are about 5 personality types. Alpha is not the only one that "gets the girl". I'm an Omega. That said I rarely if ever use the words "alpha" because it doesn't fit. It is about confidence and leadership. but especially when someone doesnt live in the same country Doesn't matter. Geography only determines how often you can see each other. Besides that,...it is a date,...not a marriage proposal,...just a simple date. - I dont know it just seems to forceful/desperateYea,..."just seems to..." "Just seems to". That is an emotional interpretation. You need to get over that. You're never going to get past these issues until you do because it is effecting your whole "social" world view. I run into guys all the time,...not just here but in person as well,...that have went their whole lives growing up to adulthood being taught that what is good is bad, and what is bad is good when is come to dating and relationships. Until they are willing to see the light there is no way to help them and they will continue to be alone and miserable till the day they die. There is absolutely nothing forceful and desperate about what I told you to do. You are not telling them "Go on this date with me,...or else...". It is an attitude of "This is what I want to go do and I am offering you to come join me". You are inviting them to go on an adventure with you. It comes from an abundance mindset, instead of a scarcity mindset. If she declines your offer then it can be offered to another woman,....rather than wallow in "woe is me". Desperate!?!? I almost fell out of my chair. It is the absolute opposite of desperate. Well, if you can't see the truth of that then there isn't much I can do. You can't successfully do something that you "don't believe" because it will come off as fake and a woman would see right through it. But I can tell this, "If you keep doing what you have always done,...you will keep getting what you have always got".
Author RSEJ Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 I'd adjust the first one from "Let's go do..." to "I'm going to do XYZ and I'd like you to join me." I don't find "let's go do..." forceful or desperate. It sounds assertive to me. Hell, I like it when my gf's (I'm a woman) say "let's go!" It'd be desperate if you keep pursuing when it's clear she isn't interested. I appreciate the advice and im open to suggestions but for me if I met someone for 30 mins and then had good conversation but not much of it (see the original post) - if someone said "lets go do", "id like you to join me" - especially when she lives 1500 miles away... it sounds so odd and creep, i dunno maybe im wrong
olivetree Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 I appreciate the advice and im open to suggestions but for me if I met someone for 30 mins and then had good conversation but not much of it (see the original post) - if someone said "lets go do", "id like you to join me" - especially when she lives 1500 miles away... it sounds so odd and creep, i dunno maybe im wrong Ahh ok, go with your inuition then and what seems appropriate to the situation. I think inviting her along to something you are planning to do anyway is also a good idea.
Author RSEJ Posted January 7, 2019 Author Posted January 7, 2019 Well there are about 5 personality types. Alpha is not the only one that "gets the girl". I'm an Omega. That said I rarely if ever use the words "alpha" because it doesn't fit. It is about confidence and leadership. Doesn't matter. Geography only determines how often you can see each other. Besides that,...it is a date,...not a marriage proposal,...just a simple date. Yea,..."just seems to..." "Just seems to". That is an emotional interpretation. You need to get over that. You're never going to get past these issues until you do because it is effecting your whole "social" world view. I run into guys all the time,...not just here but in person as well,...that have went their whole lives growing up to adulthood being taught that what is good is bad, and what is bad is good when is come to dating and relationships. Until they are willing to see the light there is no way to help them and they will continue to be alone and miserable till the day they die. There is absolutely nothing forceful and desperate about what I told you to do. You are not telling them "Go on this date with me,...or else...". It is an attitude of "This is what I want to go do and I am offering you to come join me". You are inviting them to go on an adventure with you. It comes from an abundance mindset, instead of a scarcity mindset. If she declines your offer then it can be offered to another woman,....rather than wallow in "woe is me". Desperate!?!? I almost fell out of my chair. It is the absolute opposite of desperate. Well, if you can't see the truth of that then there isn't much I can do. You can't successfully do something that you "don't believe" because it will come off as fake and a woman would see right through it. But I can tell this, "If you keep doing what you have always done,...you will keep getting what you have always got". Appreciate the advice - honestly ive been on plenty of dates and Im not one of these beta males (I know trust me i used to be). Anyway I just came on here because its not a typical situation (the distance). I will try something thats more... assertive as you suggested. But its been three days now since she replied if im honest I dont think it will lead anywhere - but might as well give it a shot, thanks
PRW Posted January 7, 2019 Posted January 7, 2019 Appreciate the advice - honestly ive been on plenty of dates and Im not one of these beta males (I know trust me i used to be). Anyway I just came on here because its not a typical situation (the distance). I will try something thats more... assertive as you suggested. But its been three days now since she replied if im honest I dont think it will lead anywhere - but might as well give it a shot, thanks Ok, well a couple things and then I think I've spent enough time in this thread. Beta is relative to the situation. You can be the CEO of a big corp and a "killer" on the job, but totally fall apart when with women. It is a relative thing. Years ago, half a decade or more, I was the biggest Beta you can imagine. I spot the behavor so easy because I did it so much myself. I used all the same excuses and justifications myself. I can finish most of those guys sentences after the second or third word comes out of their mouth. In everything I have been telling you,...I'm not focused on the chick at hand specifically. I'm trying to point you in the right direction for the next one that comes along. Long distance stuff nearly always fails,...you are much better off with the girl down the street.
Author RSEJ Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 (edited) So.... if you are feeling pretty bad, this is the point where you get to read someone else's weekend to realise yours wasn't that bad lol. Original thread: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/673548-take-slow-struggling-romantic-when-speaking-once-day Summary of original thread: - met a girl through a friend for 30 mins - Dmed her, she didnt respond (thought it may of gone to the 'other' box). - 1 week later I add her on fb - Chat on facebook and its engaging convo, shes asking me lots about myself etc. speaking every other day or two for about 3 weeks UPDATE: So I finally gathered the courage to ask if she wanted to go for a drink some time. "So i was meaning to ask you whether you'd like to go for a drink in Berlin sometime? - I was thinking on the 26th". She said "are you in berlin on that date?" I said "no", she said "whenever you are down in Berlin we can grab a drink". I put "Sounds good, will sort flights". Long story short - I book a table for drinks, she cancels as she's already meeting her friends but suggests coffee on the Saturday. I turn up clearly dressed for what i thought was two people wanting to get to know each other - but clearly she hasn't. Her first words were "so what are you doing in Berlin?" I play it off and say i had a friends bday on the Thursday. Anyway we have an okay coffee thing - and then go to a nice bar where i actually felt like it was a date and we were getting on and flirting.The day after I come clean to her telling i mostly travelled to get to know her. She replied apologising saying that she was afraid of that but she thought i couldn't of been serious because of distance, and that i had mentioned the birthday a few days after booking the flight. If there is any consolation at least i stayed at my friends and got to see him So what did i learn? - Never travel across countries for a 'coffee' or 'drink' travel for a date - and make sure she knows, it's a date. - This trying to play it casual when it comes to asking someone out isnt the way to go over distance - Its I want to get to know you, not would you like to meet for a drink. - If she doesn't respond to dms , If her replies dont get more frequent over time on fb, If she doesnt pick up the phone or return the call shes probably not interested. feels bad man, what a total disaster. See you in another 3 years or so guys and girls.. Edited January 29, 2019 by RSEJ
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 What the lesson is, never invest in someone that is flaky or lukewarm. And you are right...you need to get right to the point like I had said. You will get the same results if you do it now or 3 weeks later, and that she has already made up her mind. Just because a woman accepts your FB invite and chats with you, doesn't mean jack. The proof is if she says yes to a date or not period. LDR suck anyways. Keep looking locally, you will meet someone when you least expect it. 1
Author RSEJ Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 What the lesson is, never invest in someone that is flaky or lukewarm. And you are right...you need to get right to the point like I had said. You will get the same results if you do it now or 3 weeks later, and that she has already made up her mind. Just because a woman accepts your FB invite and chats with you, doesn't mean jack. The proof is if she says yes to a date or not period. LDR suck anyways. Keep looking locally, you will meet someone when you least expect it. Thanks Smackie - yes you were right. What also sucks is this is the first time i have experienced anything close to love at first sight... like ever. I was thinking its maybe because she looked like my ex, what do you think? Looks wise she was exactly my type - which is quite rare. Also how should i have phrased the question, if not what i put - what then? Yes LDR would've sucked i guess another thing i can be thankful for.
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 I did the love at first sight a couple of times. They had the look I so desired. Well that kind of thing makes you very short sighted. You make bad decisions out of your obsessiveness. You want them so bad when in reality they are not right for you in the first place. When I think back to those times, I can see how much an idiot I was.
Highndry Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 When you said "train wreck" I was expecting something juicy and exciting. This was a big nothingburger. So you got your hopes up and found out on a first date that she wasn't into you. Next...
Author RSEJ Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 When you said "train wreck" I was expecting something juicy and exciting. This was a big nothingburger. So you got your hopes up and found out on a first date that she wasn't into you. Next... Train wreck implies disaster I think travelling to another country only to find out it was for nothing is a disaster but thanks for your much needed input.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 "So i was meaning to ask you whether you'd like to go for a drink in Berlin sometime? - I was thinking on the 26th". She said "are you in berlin on that date?" I said "no", she said "whenever you are down in Berlin we can grab a drink". I put "Sounds good, will sort flights". This was the clue you missed or overlooked - she wasn't keen on the idea of you coming specifically to see her. Had you already been in the city, sure, she'd see you. But reading between the lines, she was very lukewarm on being the only reason for your visit. She could have been clearer on that, so don't be too hard on yourself, but wait for stronger and clearer enthusiasm from the woman next time. 2
fred123 Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 What the lesson is, never invest in someone that is flaky or lukewarm. And you are right...you need to get right to the point like I had said. You will get the same results if you do it now or 3 weeks later, and that she has already made up her mind. Just because a woman accepts your FB invite and chats with you, doesn't mean jack. The proof is if she says yes to a date or not period. LDR suck anyways. Keep looking locally, you will meet someone when you least expect it. how could you tell she was flaky and lukewarm?
fred123 Posted January 31, 2019 Posted January 31, 2019 This was the clue you missed or overlooked - she wasn't keen on the idea of you coming specifically to see her. Had you already been in the city, sure, she'd see you. But reading between the lines, she was very lukewarm on being the only reason for your visit. She could have been clearer on that, so don't be too hard on yourself, but wait for stronger and clearer enthusiasm from the woman next time. in this example and situation what would have been clearer and stronger enthusiasm from her?
Author RSEJ Posted February 3, 2019 Author Posted February 3, 2019 Sorry guys I didnt realise people were still checking this out This was the clue you missed or overlooked - she wasn't keen on the idea of you coming specifically to see her. Had you already been in the city, sure, she'd see you. But reading between the lines, she was very lukewarm on being the only reason for your visit. She could have been clearer on that, so don't be too hard on yourself, but wait for stronger and clearer enthusiasm from the woman next time. THIS.... this is a problem i have though.. people say "play it cool" etc. Like that is what i was trying to do, and i felt like she was doing the same.. so is it play it cool or be certain sits a date? how could you tell she was flaky and lukewarm? 3 days before i flew I tried to phone her to tell her i booked a table at so and so and she didnt pick up and told me she had plans with her friend (but she suggested coffee instead). She also asked me "what weekend are you coming again?". in this example and situation what would have been clearer and stronger enthusiasm from her? Also would like to know.. I guess accepting the table i booked, and picking up the phone.. would be a start
DrNo1962 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Been 4 years since I been on here haha - met a girl through a friend for 30 mins (I'm on holiday) - had an immediate crush on her - in the evening followed her on insta, she followed back and liked my pic. I tried to dm her saying hi, she didn't respond. 2 days later before I left I dmed her saying if she would like to go for coffee with me AND MY FRIEND (WHICH IS ALSO HERS) - no response. 1 week later I add her on fb - we've been chatting on fb messenger for about 1.5 weeks and she's asking me lots of different engaging things - the replies are pretty much once every day (same with mine, slightly longer) which is hard to flirt or anything. My question 1. Should I just reply like within an hour and try and get it flowing? 2. How do I make it more flirty with just one a day and on fb messenger? 3. Should I ask for her number or just take it slow? Thanks guys I think you've made some pretty serious errors here. First off, always go for the number if you meet her, never go social media until you have known her long enough. Secondly, Always Be Closing, meaning your interactions on the phone should always be closing the distance so you can get off the phone and see each other in person. Put Simply. The phone is for setting dates only. Leave the chit-chat to when you meet in person. Otherwise you're just her pen pal.
smackie9 Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 how could you tell she was flaky and lukewarm? I just can....because I'm that good at reading people, and their behavior.
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