Very Confused, need a fresh perspective

[chadsconfuzed]

Hi, I'm currently in a very confusing situation, (at least to me, in my admittedly small experience), and am not really sure where to go for advice, so I'm really hoping some of you can help me. First some basic background: I'm 20yo male, the girl involved is 18yo, happens to be my best friend's younger sister, but he has no problem with it. In fact, the whole family really likes me, with the mother going as far as to encourage me to be around more, if you know what I mean.

 

Ok, so I asked the girl out a couple of times, we only actually went out (just the two of us) once, she seemed to enjoy herself and implied she'd like to do it again. I kept trying afterwards for a couple weeks, (I'd call or chat online every 3 or 4 days) and though she never actually said no, she always seemed to have some excuse not to go out. I eventually asked her (not directly, I thought I'd try to be smooth and use metaphors, but it was obvious enough that she got the picture) if she was really interested, and she said "I'm not ready for a relationship". Fair enough, thats fine. We agreed we would still be friends, and though I haven't dropped off the radar, I haven't made any real attempts at wooing her since. The problem is, whenever i think I've learnt my lesson and moved on, she gives me this look, or makes some comment or joke, that really seems like she's interested again. At one point, when she seemed to really be enjoying it, I started joking and alluding to the experience, and she actually played along. It wasn't just friendly joking either, some of this stuff actually became pretty obvious, and she was really getting into it. I couldn't really make much of a move at that point though, because her brother and my cousin were both present, not to mention I'm more than a little shy myself. Afterward though, I noticed she had changed her MSN name (this may seem small, but for this girl its a major part of her life) to "Please stop looking for more than I can give, I just deserve to be alone". And when I tried to speak to her, she wouldn't say anything about that event, and she made an excuse to leave very quickly. WTF?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read, hope you can help. I'm totally lost, and everyone I think to ask is biased in some way. I'll check back real soon and often.

 

- Chad

[chadsconfuzed]

Wow, no replies? Is the answer that obvious, or is my netiquette as wek as my romantic instinct? Well, kinda new to internet forums too, so I'll give it one last try. Anybody got something to say on this one?

[BonneChatte]

It seems to me that the girl just enjoys flirting. Although she may be attracted to you, she definitely wants her space. Speaking as flirt myself, you should give her the serious cold shoulder (play nearly impossible to get)...then she'll 1. either come around and realize that you're not her pawn, or 2. she'll be fine that, in which case, you're better off without her.

 

Flirting is sometimes a warm up to a deeper relationship, but more often than not (at least with me, and other chronic flirts I know), it's just an amusing game. We don't mean to twist your emotions, but unfortunately that usually happens in the end.

[elijahBailey]

what BC said.

 

Do yourself a favor and distance yourself from her. It's an ego trip for her and you're being strung along for her own pleasure. If you maintain things the way they are now, you'll forever be in her friends category. None of the flirting means anything, really. You wanna pique her interest, go date another girl; she may then come around. But if you ask me, I'd pass her by; she's not worth your time.

[chadsconfuzed]

Thanks for the advice, it is appreciated, even if it is exactly what I didn't want to hear. Will try the cold shoulder idea, see what happens. In the meantime, I'll do my best not to let her mess with my head too much. I guess the biggest problem from here would be recognizing the difference between her flirting and actually coming around, if and (optimistically) when that happens. I guess thats something that would be difficult to predict, but if you think there's something to watch, that would be appreciated too.

 

Thanks again

[chadsconfuzed]

Sorry for the bump, I know you may not be interested in an update, but I gotta get this out, and as you can imagine it would be an awkward conversation if I were to go tell my friends about it.

 

Anyway, I've been following BC's advice and trying to play it cool, ignoring the girl (hmm, should use a name to simplify things, lets say "Heather") as much possible. Now, this is not exactly an easy thing to do, becasue as I said before, her older brother (hmm, call him "Ryan") happens to be my best friend, but for the most part I do okay. The real test however came this weekend, when Ryan and I, both of whom have moved away from our small hometown to go to schools in a city about an hour away, were back home for the weekend. Naturally, we spent some time together, and being in such a small town the standard day/afternoon/night out is to go for a drive, get takeout, maybe play cat and mouse with other carloads of people our age, and inevitably end up at the mall parking lot, listening to music and chatting about random stuff. Now, Heather and Ryan are fairly close, so where he goes, she goes, almost without fail. With no one else being home for the weekend, it was just the three of us (except for the hour or so we spent at their house, where their mom joined in the conversations, which is not unusual). Anyway, when Heather realised that I was not paying as much attention to her as usual, she stepped things up a level, really going out of her way to get that attention back. Of course, I assumed that the "cold shoulder" routine can only be taken so far, so when she got really obvious, or would ask me a question directly, I'd give her a quick response, and go back to my conversation with Ryan. Heather of course would not give up, and started even picking on certain things that she showed no interest in before, like how I keep my hair a little longer than most guys, and that I should cut it more often. She even (playfully) threatened violence when I wasn't listening to her, which she knows excites me, (I don't know if she gets just how much, but she has to have seen by now that it piques my interest). It even got to the point, that at the end of the night, when Ryan was dropping me off at home (it had been his turn to drive, with these gas prices we decided to actually take it in shifts), she sat behind my seat and the whole way she was talking directly to me, ignoring her brother more than I was trying to her, and even shaking my seat now and then if I pretended not to hear. I gotta admit, I can see now why girls like the attention, but it did seem like it was only the attention she wanted.

Anyway, like I said, just wanted to tell someone. If you do have any thoughts on the situation though, would still be happy to read them.

[elijahBailey]

Sorry for the bump, I know you may not be interested in an update, but I gotta get this out

 

what? are ya kidding me? I LOVE updates Too many people swing into LS, get a couple opinions and never bothers to update.

 

But yeah, I was kinda laughin' at your situation. I kinda knew that was gonna to happen but she, apparently, took it harder than I thought. I'm not gonna be popular for sayin' this, but hey, she was playin' ya in the first place and you're just returning the favor, no?

 

The thing here is, once you start to be nice to her again just like before you started ignoring her, she'll give you the <let's just be friends> thingy again. So, yeah, you've been warned. If you wanna continue to play, well.... find someone to date and *update* Heather on your new squeeze. Like, 'oh, I'm so confused what <insert name of your new squeeze> wants. Can you help me figure her out'. Or something along those lines. I sure wouldn't be surprised if she comes onto you even harder. Some women hate to lose in these situations. <Sigh> some women (and men) are like that.... the harder it is to get, the more you want it.