I'm scared to death of breaking up with my girlfriend!

[CainJ]

Apologies in advance for how poorly written this is. I'm usually way more articulate, but I'm just full of thoughts and emotions. Excuse me.

 

Background: I'm 27 and she is 24. I'll call her 'D'.

 

Quick overview: we met online in 2012. We lived six hours apart. We started talking and getting close and we met in person in August 2014 when she came here. She visited a couple more times, I visited her a few times in between then, I became close with her family, her family visited here, and then she moved here in 2016. She left everything that she ever knew to come be with me. This is something I will always appreciate and be grateful for. She began a job here that she has been working ever since she moved here.

 

We went through a lot of tough times in 2016, but we made it through, together as a team. 2018, however, was a really tough year... she is gone to visit her family at the moment. We always go together at this time of the year, but I couldn't go, because my mother had a stroke back in November and I am taking care of her, as nobody else is able to and I can't desert her.

 

Anyway, I have been thinking about breaking up with D since August, but I have been too cowardly to do it. We are different people in so many ways. We like different music, different shows and different hobbies. We also have different views in life in general. She also wants to move closer to her family, which I'm not personally interested in if I am honest. So, how have we made things work over the years? Despite our differing interests, we do have chemistry. We care deeply for one another and have always been by each other's sides through the toughest of times. We listen to each other and work problems out fairly easily as a team, which I find is rare in many relationships. I could honestly live the rest of my life with her and expect loyalty and stability without question and never have to worry about that. But.... I feel like we would both be settling for one another. Like I said, she wants to move closer to her family, wants a big house and all this other stuff. A 'big' house isn't important to me, and I don't want to leave where I'm at now, at least for the time being. We just want different things in life.

 

We have grown distant in the last three months. I'll admit it.. I've been nitpicky and have picked small fights (arguments) over dumb things. I like to be active and outdoors, while she is often content with lying around all day and watching Netflix. I've tried to engage in her activities with her, but I get restless sitting around like that, while she has no interest in doing hobbies with me. When I have brought this up to her, she brings up excuses as they pertain to her lack of interest.

 

I love her so much. I always will. I will always appreciate our relationship for what it is, or was. Being with her has brought me some great memories, but I feel like it has run its course, but I'm such a coward in regards to breaking things off. I am selfishly scared to death of being alone. I have bawled my eyes out in private thinking about the prospect of breaking up with her soon. I am a natural introvert and used to being alone with my thoughts, but I keep picturing her driving off in her car and never seeing her again for the rest of my life, and my heart breaks so hard every time I think about it.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

I know the black and white straight-forward answer is to go ahead and break up with her, but I am scared to death. This will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know she would be 100% down to spend the rest of her life with me. I appreciate that, and like I said, it would be a safe and comfortable life, but I honestly feel like we would both be settling for one another if that happens. Every time I picture her with somebody else, I get really emotional, but I know in the long run that she would be much happier with someone else, and I think I could be happier with someone else, too..

 

But in spite of everything I just said, I am going to miss her so unbelievably badly. Asides from her recent trip back home, I have spent each and every single day for the last (almost) 3 years with her, making memories.

 

I just don't know how to handle or comprehend this. I feel so heartbroken. I don't want to lose her, and I know I am selfish in saying that, but I know this decision eventually has to be made.

 

What would you do if you were me? Do we stay together because it is safe, comfortable and something that is a sure thing, because I can see us together forever, even despite our differences... but I just feel like it would be better for us both, in the long run, to split. I am so conflicted and feel so much pain and heart ache over this.

Edited January 4, 2019 by CainJ

[preraph]

Well, have you considered calling her while she's visiting her parents and letting her know? She might just stay there, and you could ship her her things.

 

Don't keep saying you love her when you do it. That's not fair and gives false hope. Tell her you really care about her, but that you feel you don't want the same things and don't really have much in common and that it isn't working for you.

[CainJ]

I tried to discuss the future with her the other night, and I started to uncontrollably tear up. She told me that I'm the love of her life. I'm an emotional mess right now.

[manfrombelow2]

Girls dislike weak behaviour like crying in men, in fact they are scared of it.

 

As much as I understand how much pain you are going through, deploying No Contact with her immediately is the best option you can give yourself now. Trust me. We all have been there. You are not alone in this.

Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Ask yourself the old Ann Landers Q: would you be better off with them or without them?

 

Try making a pros & cons list.

 

When she comes home have a real conversation with her about your concerns, your vision for the future etc. & ask hers. It must be a tough conversation: could she still love you if you always stayed where you are & not move close to her family? Could she be happy without the big house? Does she understand that her refusal to go outside with you in favor of Netflix causes hurt feelings & resentment? What does her vision of the future look like? You will need to tell her where the points of friction are.

 

Understand marriage does change a person & when you grow together you do change a bit. DH was always an introverted loner. I've dragged him along to be more social. He was cheap. Now he's more generous. I was always chatty, talking to fill silence but he taught me to be OK with quiet.

 

The answers you seek are not black & white. Stop trying to over-simply complex Qs. Just talk & be honest.

 

Whatever you do, do not try NC on a woman you LIVE with. NC is for healing after a break up.