submart Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Hello all, This is my first time on loveshack, and the advice here seems great so I figured I'd write a line about my situatoin. I am 22 years old and am dating a guy who is 38. Our relationship is new, as we only been dating 6 weeks now. I never intended to date somebody 16 years older than me, but it happened, and I really like this guy. We have similiar hobbies, ambitions, careers, religious beliefs, morals/values, childhood experiences, and personalities. He has never been married nor does he have any children. He would like to someday marry and have children with the right woman. I'd also like to get married and have kids someday. I'm not saying that he is Mr. Right or the one, but he could be (the future will tell). Anyway, the age difference really seems to be a problem for select members of my family and some aquaintences. They are saying that I'm wasting my time with an old man and could do much better.This really hurts my feelings, and I'm just wondering if other people see it this way too. My friends seem to like him and all, but I really need an outsiders opinion. Thanks in advance.
RecordProducer Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 I don't see any problem here. Besides, he is not sooooooooo much older than you. My boyfriend is 18 years older than me (I am 30) and we are very happy together. The sex is the best I've ever had and I love that he is older. Actually I am not attracted to younger guys. I have two children, been married once, he has no kids, been married twice. Good luck! Enjoy your love!
emptycube Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 It's not really about their standard though is it? It doesn't really matter if they think you can do better. I think that it's about what you think makes a person better. Not to mention this guy sounds really great. If in personalities you are that well connected what's it to matter? You should ask your family what exactly they mean by better? For if they simply mean in terms of age it's not really all that much better now is it? Say you happen to meet a guy your age you get along with half as well as your current guy. You stay together for a long time, tack ten years on the guy and he's just your current boyfriend in need of a serious attitude adjustment. Everyone gets ugly and old in the end, so does age really matter all that much. If you connect through your personalities, and the sex isn't god awful bad then there is no need to change anything. Because in the long run you'll be much better off. Besides with his added life experience he might help you from making a few nasty mistakes that he may have made in the past. But make sure doesn't hold his age over you. 'Cause in my book that's always a "no no." As for your hurt feelings I'm sure that eventually your family will let up. If they see that you're really serious about this guy, and he about you then they'll know to cut it out. And even if they still don't completely approve of him they'll have gotten the hint to keep quiet about it to you. And most likely between each other as well. (Errr, I'm new as well, so sorry if that was horrible "advice" or something. Hee hee.)
Glamour_Girl Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 i dated someone nearly 20 years older than me - the relationship lasted 5 years and we had some very happy times. however i wouldnt recommend it to anyone else. there was very little difference between us when it came to day to day stuff - personality , sense of humour, likes/dislikes etc. but there was a huge difference in LIFE EXPERIENCE. he had been through so much and was an emotional superior to me. also i had to deal with all his history - exes, hang ups, failed relationships, all sorts which you cannot be prepared for when there is such an imbalance in experience it ended very badly....
Outcast Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 I think your respective ages make it a problem. It would be less an issue if you were 40 and he 56 because your relative maturity would be more or less the same but there is a vast gap between 22 and 38 and that will become increasingly evident.
LittleMiss Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 My bf is 32 and I am 22. We have so much in common and I could care less about what any one else thinks. I am very mature for my age and I have a son also. He has been married and has two children. I would say forget about what anyone thinks. If you two are happy then that is all that matters. Age is just a number.
elijahBailey Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 hey submart, is he rich? If he is, then what are your folks complaining about no but seriously, if you ask my opinion, society has always been accepting to <men being much older than the girl> than the other way round. Also, I think your select family members probably won't even raise my eyebrow if you were, say, 5 years older. I think they're just sayin' it cos they think that, at 22, you can't make adult decisions for yourself yet Well, prove them wrong. IMHO, go with whatever makes you happy.... btw, since when is 38 'over the hill'? Huh?
ReluctantRomeo Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Some pretty good points so far. Since I'm in my 30s and have dated girls anything from 1 year to 12 years younger than me, I'm gonna add my 2 cents. There are some pros: an age gap actually works better for some people. And I fully agree that loving the person is more important than the number. On the other hand, age gaps can bring practical problems. These don't need to be the end, but in the longer term you do need to consider them together and, if necessary have a coping strategy. For example: Energy levels.Tastes/attitudes/responsibilities/maturityChildren. Are you on the same page in terms of number and timing? One other thing you should consider. A 38 year old guy who has never been married and not had children may have commitment/responsibility issues.
lost_in_chgo Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 One other thing you should consider. A 38 year old guy who has never been married and not had children may have commitment/responsibility issues. Emphasis on the "may"
lost_in_chgo Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 I think your respective ages make it a problem. It would be less an issue if you were 40 and he 56 because your relative maturity would be more or less the same but there is a vast gap between 22 and 38 and that will become increasingly evident. Actually, it would become increasingly evident in the short term and eventually either cause her to break it off or it would become meaningless as she matures. All assuming of course that she is not more mature than the norm for her age. Alot of this has to do with personality in addition to maturity. She already feels they are a good match. If this lasts another two months, we'll see the reality of how good a match they are and then it will be time for the kids and future talk.
ReluctantRomeo Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Emphasis on the "may" I definitely agree.
Author submart Posted September 16, 2005 Author Posted September 16, 2005 Oh goodness, I didn't expect so may responses so soon. Thank you all for giving me some advice. I really appreciate it. All your points are great! To reply to some of your questions/concerns: ~Though we have been intimate, we have not yet have intercourse (I believe it's good to wait until your in love someone to make that big step) and he totally respects that. Otherwise, we are sexually compatible...in what we like and how often. ~No he's not rich lol. He's not poor either, but he has enough to thrive. ~We have similiar energy levels (but he does have quite a bit more than me). He is quite athletic and has a clean bill of health. I am somewhat athletic and enjoy many of the solo sports he does. We have similiar "social energy" as well, as how/when/where we like to go out and hang with other people. ~We both want one or two children, and have discussed parental/spousal roles fully. We would not have children until after I finished getting my masters degree. ~We have discussed responsibilities (expectations of a wife/husband and mother/father) and have agreed or comprimised. ~We do have similar tastes in many areas, but there are things we disagree on and have and will continue to discuss them. ~Maturity wise, we are very similar. We both take responsiblity for our past actions/current actions and such. We both don't have never cheated on a partner, don't drink alcohol, smoke, or use drugs. ~Ever since he was 18 he set out to find Mrs. Right and thought he found her on 3 occassions 1. he broke off the engagement b/c she let her mother control every aspect of her life and would not break away. 2. he broke off the engagement b/c she used him and cheated on him majorly. 3. she was emotionally unavailable, and she broke it off. He definitely seems like he wants to settle down, and has told me so. He just wants to find a woman with a good head on her shoulders, is faitful, has similiar ambitions, etc. He does want to take some time to know me though so he isn't rushing or anything. Yes, he does have a lot of life experience that I have not had and I discussed this with him. He realizes that his age/experience does not mean he knows mo re than me or what's more "right," and that he can't use this to control me. Sorry so long. Thanks for taking the time to read this you all. Your so great. Thanks again for ALL your replies.
Outcast Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 The reddest of red flags here is the very short duration of dating time. People can seem perfectly perfect and wonderful for a few months. You can discover dozens of similarities in tastes, values, etc etc during that time. It still doesn't mean that he hasn't some major flaws that will emerge over time and that you would not want to live with. Just the other day a poster who is in a seriously abusive relationship posted her story. He was PERFECT in every respect - for six months. The seventh month is when his anger emerged. Someone who has lived 38 years is a much more complex being to know than you can absorb in six weeks or possibly even six months. I caution you strongly to not cast all your hopes and dreams on this guy until you have been together for about a year. By then, any problems will have likely emerged.
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Anyway, the age difference really seems to be a problem for select members of my family and some aquaintences. They are saying that I'm wasting my time with an old man and could do much better.This really hurts my feelings, and I'm just wondering if other people see it this way too. My friends seem to like him and all, but I really need an outsiders opinion. It doesn't matter what your friend and family think of this guy. If he makes you happy then I say see how this relationship plays out. At 22 you're old enough and responsible enough to decide who you want to be with. Maybe take your family out to dinner with him there, allow everybody to get to know him and see you both together as a couple. I'm sure the family is just worried that you'll get hurt. It's good you've discussed marriage and kids because who knows what could happen in the future. If he had said no kids, then you may have had to re-think the relationship as at 22 you don't want to decide to be with somebody who doesn't want children. Keep posting and I hope things work out for you.
lost_in_chgo Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Yes, he does have a lot of life experience that I have not had and I discussed this with him. He realizes that his age/experience does not mean he knows mo re than me or what's more "right," and that he can't use this to control me. A common problem is that he may try to advise you based on his experience and you may rebel against that perceiving it as an attempt to control you. It's all well and good for you to not want to be controlled, but if you ask for advice, don't take advice as an attempt at control. With an age difference there can be a knee-jerk rebellion reflex with some people. Also understand that because he is older he's farther along the curve on some things, so his experience, comfort level, knowledge and presumably his finances may/will be more developed than yours (in some areas). You shouldn't be evaluating yourself based on his achievements and feel like you are coming up short. The insecure or those with low selfesteem tend to have major problems associating with anyone who has more or knows more than they do about anything. No that I am saying you will or are insecure, but it's something to be aware of. As an example, I've worked with people that resented coworkers that were older, because they made more money, not considering that income is a function of age and experience, not just of job titles.
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