Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 And what changes are you both actively making to change careers etc? As you know your clock is ticking and those type of changes usually take a quite a while (career change / stability). I think most parents will tell you there is never a perfect time to have a kid, but if you really want a child, you make it work. Honestly to me it sounds like he has anxiety about becoming a family (you said already mentioning how divorce can ruin things!?) and will just keep on delaying. He has avoided marriage and family for 47 years. That is no accident. yeah... i hear you. sigh. ive told him that i want a kid before my career change and ill do it after the kid is old enough to go to preschool. i know exactly what i wanna do, and i have a plan, but its gonna take a while (a few years of school) so i'd prefer to get the kid out of the way
RecentChange Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 Look, i'd be totally ok if he said "honestly, i'd rather us use the money for ourselves and travel and a few dogs rather than raising children.". That’s a lie and he knows it. You wouldn’t be “totally okay” if he told you he wants a dog not a baby. Right now you are talking about going to therapy to grapple with that reality because it would be such a huge disappointment to you. He knows that you want a child. YOU know that you want a child.... So, in a cowardly way, I am betting he is trying keep you. To tell you what you want to hear. Even perhaps to try to convince himself of the same. I once loved someone that said they didn’t want kids - then oops, truth came out that they DID want kids. I was heart broken, and so was he. For a short stint I thought well maybe I can change for him - but realized that I couldn’t, and we parted ways. I met a man that I love who truly didn’t want children, and my ex met his match, and today has a toddler. 1
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 Does he pay you rent to live in your condo? yes. he pays his share of rent.
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 That’s a lie and he knows it. You wouldn’t be “totally okay” if he told you he wants a dog not a baby. Right now you are talking about going to therapy to grapple with that reality because it would be such a huge disappointment to you. He knows that you want a child. YOU know that you want a child.... So, in a cowardly way, I am betting he is trying keep you. To tell you what you want to hear. Even perhaps to try to convince himself of the same. I once loved someone that said they didn’t want kids - then oops, truth came out that they DID want kids. I was heart broken, and so was he. For a short stint I thought well maybe I can change for him - but realized that I couldn’t, and we parted ways. I met a man that I love who truly didn’t want children, and my ex met his match, and today has a toddler. ok, maybe i wouldnt be ok but i would learn to deal with it and at least i'd know the truth and i could figure out a way to move forward with that info. Not even necessarily a breakup.
preraph Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 he says stable environment based on the fact that he lost a lot of money due to losing his home to a natural disaster. Also, our work situation is very stressful, we are endlessly working... we both hate the job. It gives us anxiety, stress and panic attacks. He wants to settle into a life where our works dont cause us panic attacks. Are you going to require a wedding where you actually spend money? That alone could keep a person struggling with money loss from marrying at all! So I would ask him that. If you want to get married, just don't do a wedding. Elope or go to the Justice of the Peace and don't go further into money problems. Same with the ring. Let him know you'd be glad for inexpensive gold bands.
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 Are you going to require a wedding where you actually spend money? That alone could keep a person struggling with money loss from marrying at all! So I would ask him that. If you want to get married, just don't do a wedding. Elope or go to the Justice of the Peace and don't go further into money problems. Same with the ring. Let him know you'd be glad for inexpensive gold bands. I have suggested eloping, i have suggested something low key. i'm tired of trying. i'm getting to the point where i'm just thinking what the ****. i'm tired of having dreams and not getting there because of the other person. And its just a shame because he is seriously the best man ive ever met. i'm starting to feel that if i wanna stay with him, then there will be no marriage or kids. i'm crushed.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 he says stable environment based on the fact that he lost a lot of money due to losing his home to a natural disaster. Also, our work situation is very stressful, we are endlessly working... we both hate the job. It gives us anxiety, stress and panic attacks. He wants to settle into a life where our works dont cause us panic attacks. When I met my (now) wife, I was broke from divorce and child support. She was finishing school so we waited 3 years (sound familiar?) to get married. Once wed (and still broke), she was pregnant right away. Our son was born very early, in the hospital for 5 months. Somehow during that time (don't recall having sex), pregnant with my third, a girl. And as you know, years later, my youngest and 4th child. None of them came at a "convenient" time logistically or financially and yet, with grit, love and persistence, we got through. Had I waited until I was completely ready, Mick Jagger and I would both be 70-yr old fathers. And trust me, children will destabilize any environment they're born into. I'd at least have a heart-to-heart talk with him, not sure either of you has fully articulated your relative positions. At least you'll know you've done all you could... Mr. Lucky
elaine567 Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 You have all these dreams and plans, only you chose the wrong man. Childless 47yo bachelors are rarely husband, far less father material. Life stages are important and while he I guess is looking forward to a stress-free retirement to do as he pleases, you want to rob him of that by saddling him with a huge financial and emotional "burden" in the shape of a child. He is 50 in 3 years, you could potentially not be looking after just a child, you could also be nursing an invalid... You are 34, you have wasted enough time with this guy, go find a proper husband and father for your child before it is too late... 2
Wallysbears Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 I'm going to be blunt. He's 47, never married and no kids. He is not husband or father material. If he was, he would have done those things already. You are 34. You don't have the luxury of time if you want marriage and children in your life. You need to sit with yourself and TRULY think if you would be happy to be unmarried and childless. Odds are that answer is no and whether or not you love this man, eventually the resentment of not having children WILL break you up. And by then it may be too late for you to have children. 2
stillafool Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 thanks for your opinion. It's hard to set a deadline, because i love him. I dont actually want to be without him. he is my best friend. i dont want anyone else, i dont want marriage with anyone else. i'm an attractive woman, i could find someone and just marry for marriage sake, but i actually wanna marry someone i love. so thats where im starting to feel like i have to just start to work on being ok with a marriageless/childless relationship. Well if you are determined to stay with him you have no other choice but to wait it out and hope for the best. 1
stillafool Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 (edited) <snip> Odds are that answer is no and whether or not you love this man, eventually the resentment of not having children WILL break you up. And by then it may be too late for you to have children. This is true because it will take time to cultivate a relationship with another man and get to the point of marriage and kids. That could take 4 years or more. Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
PRW Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 You should have been having the kids in your 20's not 30's. But I think you know that. He's already old enough that he may not live long enough to see them through college. He isn't trying to marry you because he doesn't have to. He got the milk without buying the cow three years ago. The only option is to make an ultimatum. If that doesn't get him to move then kids are probably not in your future. As someone else already pointed out, it would take years to get re-established with someone else (if you were able to at all) and it would be too late for kids by then. Far too many women have bought into the "career chasing" when they graduated from HS and wasted their child bearing years sitting in a classroom in some university.
elaine567 Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 Far too many women have bought into the "career chasing" when they graduated from HS and wasted their child bearing years sitting in a classroom in some university. Had she been more clued up she at 31 would have found a man in her own age group who wanted kids, and now 3 yeas later she probably would already have had a child, It is not the career that is "at fault" it was her choice of a old bachelor, 13 years her senior... 1
Wallysbears Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 (edited) You should have been having the kids in your 20's not 30's. But I think you know that. He's already old enough that he may not live long enough to see them through college.<snip> While it is nice for you to say this, it brings no value to the situation. OP - you DO have time to still have marriage and children. You just need to be VERY smart about things starting NOW if that is your goal. First, you need to tell him that it is time to either put up or get out. Then, you immediately need to dust yourself off and see a reproductive endocrinologist. Get a full work up. You need to know the status of your ovaries, your eggs, your hormones, etc. I had my son at 37. Many of my friends are having children in their late 30's and some even having them in their early 40's. Do NOT go listening to these people telling you that you HAD to go and have kids when you were in your 20's. First - they are men and second - this is YOUR life and you get to live it however you would like. Once you do both of the above, you need to date with a purpose. Not wishy washy. Not taking time to "see". If a guy doesn't want to get married and have children in short order then you "next" him and move on. You can do this and you can have it all. Don't let any of these guys tell you otherwise. Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote and fix spacing 2
JuneL Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 (edited) Yeah, I’m also trying to think if any of the good female friends in my peer had kids in their 20s My best friend had the most adorable and beautiful girl in her late 30s. <snip> Do NOT go listening to these people telling you that you HAD to go and have kids when you were in your 20's. First - they are men and second - this is YOUR life and you get to live it however you would like. Once you do both of the above, you need to date with a purpose. Not wishy washy. Not taking time to "see". If a guy doesn't want to get married and have children in short order then you "next" him and move on. You can do this and you can have it all. Don't let any of these guys tell you otherwise. Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
PRW Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 It is not the career that is "at fault" it was her choice of a old bachelor, 13 years her senior...It's both of those
giotto Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 Just sit him down and and ask him. You need a firm answer. Then you can make your mind up... but don't give him an ultimatum... if he is vague, then you know your answer. If he agrees to marriage and kids, then make a plan...
PRW Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 While it is nice for you to say this, it brings no value to the situation. Of course it adds value...I told her the same thing you did... First, you need to tell him that it is time to either put up or get out....this right here Do NOT go listening to these people telling you that you HAD to go and have kids when you were in your 20's. First - they are men and second You are answering with emotions, I am answering with biology. Claiming that I don't know what I am talking about because I am a man is of course sexist, and is just stupid, and we have both been in these forums long enough together for you to know that. Then, you immediately need to dust yourself off and see a reproductive endocrinologist. Get a full work up. You need to know the status of your ovaries, your eggs, your hormones, etc.Yes, biology. So in both main points I made,...you effectively agreed.
PRW Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 Yeah, I’m also trying to think if any of the good female friends in my peer had kids in their 20s My best friend had the most adorable and beautiful girl in her late 30s."Everybody does it" doesn't make it a good idea. I survived a broken neck at the C6 vertebrae and came out perfectly fine,....that doesn't mean it is a good idea and everybody should go do it.
JuneL Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 "Everybody does it" doesn't make it a good idea. I survived a broken neck at the C6 vertebrae and came out perfectly fine,....that doesn't mean it is a good idea and everybody should go do it. But you made it sound like having kids beyond the 20s is such an outrageous idea. I’m sure many of the women would feel trapped if they didn’t explore/experience life first before having kids. In this time and age, most people in their 20s are no more than kids themselves. I don’t have kids (yet) myself, but I certainly wouldn’t have the maturity/wisdom to raise my kids properly if I had them in my 20s. There’re established studies out there concluding that children have better outcomes generally if their mothers had their first child in their 30s, controlling for other factors. 1
JuneL Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 "Everybody does it" doesn't make it a good idea. I survived a broken neck at the C6 vertebrae and came out perfectly fine,....that doesn't mean it is a good idea and everybody should go do it. To add, yours is a poor analogy. It’s not like I was giving an extremely exceptional example of a woman conceiving naturally and giving birth to her first child at 50! 1
PRW Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 (edited) But you made it sound like having kids beyond the 20s is such an outrageous idea. No,...I didn't. Let's quote me... "You should have been having the kids in your 20's not 30's." That's it,...all of it, every syllable,... on that part of the topic. Nothing outrageous and completely and totally medically sound. In this time and age, most people in their 20s are no more than kids themselves.Yep I agree. But is it because that is the way it is supposed to be? Is it the way human beings are biologically designed, or is it because we live in a totally screwed up Western Society where parents are screwed up messes, broken homes, coddled the kids at home and in school, and never made the kid "grow up"? How many men do we get on here complaining about dating experiences,...we think they are 17-18 by what they say and they sound so immature, and it turns out they are 37? That is not "normal" and proper emotional development. Medically the ideal age to have children is the decade between the late teens through late 20's. After that it continues to become more risky until it is no longer possible. Biology trumps society, society is what needs fixed. But don't hold your breath. I have a pretty bleak prediction of where Western Society is headed. There’re established studies out there concluding that children have better outcomes generally if their mothers had their first child in their 30s, controlling for other factors.You can find a study out there to say anything a person wants. I can find an established study that says the earth is flat,...seriously I can, no joke. But just do the math, if they have the kids in their 20's they would be in their 30's (instead of 40's) when the child reaches development years. Edited January 4, 2019 by PRW
elaine567 Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 "You should have been having the kids in your 20's not 30's." It is a moot point because the OP is already 34 and time travel is not a option. Trading her man in for a younger model who wants marriage and kids is IMO the best option. Going for years to therapy to "get over" what is a normal instinct is madness IMO. NO relationship will survive that long term anyway... "I am visiting my therapist to make me less angry with YOU and to get over never marrying and never having the kids I always wanted..." Like that is going to work. Once it is too late, it is too late... 1
Wallysbears Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 "You should have been having the kids in your 20's not 30's." It is a moot point because the OP is already 34 and time travel is not a option. Trading her man in for a younger model who wants marriage and kids is IMO the best option. Going for years to therapy to "get over" what is a normal instinct is madness IMO. NO relationship will survive that long term anyway... "I am visiting my therapist to make me less angry with YOU and to get over never marrying and never having the kids I always wanted..." Like that is going to work. Once it is too late, it is too late... Exactly. Talking about how the "ideal biological time" to have children is when a woman is in her 20's lends no value to a conversation and topic brought up by a woman that is 34. Great. Wonderful. But there's not a damn thing that can be done to turn back a clock and make this woman 20's again. What CAN be done is helping her to achieve what HER goals are RIGHT NOW. Having a hypothetical conversation about when the ideal time for a woman to have children is useless. And irrelevant. 1
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