avvril3000 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 (edited) Hi everyone, I am writing here because i need some opinions/advice. I really only would like serious comments and don't automatically assume that theres someone else/there's infidelity/or that we should just break up. I would like constructive feedback or opinions. I will try to make it short but to the point. I'm a 34 year old woman, good job, pays well. I have bought a condo that my partner and i live in. He is 47, same occupation as me, different companies, good money. One different thing: he has lost his previous home to a natural disaster. Didnt get the money lost back. We're best friends, i love him so much, he is a wonderful man, and we still have good sex (altho less often than we used to). We've been together 3 years. We have both discussed very early on that we're in a relationship looking for it to lead to marriage and children. We have a similar path in life, we want the same things. I knew about a year in that he was definitely the one i wanna have a family with and be together forever. in maybe the last year he has started saying the same things, that im the one he sees his future with, talking more seriously about a house, kids, etc. The thing is he hasn't asked me to marry him yet. It's hard for me to take him serious about the future if he wont put a ring on it. If i was 25, i'd be like "yeah cool whatever, we got time" - the problem is i'm not a spring chicken and i got a clock, so if we seriously want kids, it has to happen in the next couple of years. To be honest, he is no spring chicken either, does he really wanna be a crazy old dad? I've expressed my concern about my body clock multiple times, i've expressed that i'm ready for that stage of us. I've expressed that if i am the one then why arent we doing it? And he tells me he is working on it, and we're not there yet, but it will happen. He has been telling me for a year. But this is also my life here, and i would like to have at least one child before it gets crazy hard/expensive/riddled with complications. In all honestly, i'm starting to resent him. Because we're great, we're happy and we're great for eachother, the only problem is that i dont feel we are moving forward. I also feel stupid saying he is my boyfriend when i see him more like my husband because we're that close, our lives are that intertwined. I feel stupid that a lot of my friends are on their second child, and i havent even been proposed to. Yes while i know i shouldnt compare other people to me, i still want to move forward. This frustration over the fact that a proposal hasnt even happened yet when there is all talk of the future and no action, is starting to push me away. It makes me feel like theres something wrong with me. It makes me question everything. It makes me feel depressed because i feel stuck in life. Sometimes i just think about it and i cry. He knows that i want this. I have expressed it so many times. I have been faithful, loving, caring, trustworthy and it doesnt move forward. He makes excuses like we aren't ready, he wants to get into a stable environment, and he has watched his brother go through two bad divorces and he doesnt want divorce. It sucks that he already thinks of divorce before we're even engaged. The resentment is causing us to start having fights. I jsut dont understand why we cant move forward. I wonder if he is ever going to get there. I love him and i cant imagine my life without him. Well, i can but i know i'd be miserable. He is my best friend. So i made an appointment to see a counsellor to start to prepare myself for a life without children or even possibly marriage. Does anyone have any advice? no he isnt seeing anyone else, no i don't want to leave him. Edited January 4, 2019 by avvril3000
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 Does anyone have any advice? no he isnt seeing anyone else, no i don't want to leave him. I hate to trot out the old cow/milk analogy, but seriously - why would he want to get married? Not only is he already living the life, but you've also provided the condo to live it in. And while I was thrilled to become a Dad at 47 (had 3 kids already), I took enough ribbing from my friends to know most don't feel that way. Have either of you married before, any children? Mr. Lucky 1
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 I hate to trot out the old cow/milk analogy, but seriously - why would he want to get married? Not only is he already living the life, but you've also provided the condo to live it in. And while I was thrilled to become a Dad at 47 (had 3 kids already), I took enough ribbing from my friends to know most don't feel that way. Have either of you married before, any children? Mr. Lucky He has never been married, no children. I have never been married, no children. Sure - you could be right. But then why lead me on? he assures me, he is not leading me on. But for ****s and giggles, lets say he is. What is the point of that? would he be that selfish to someone he loves to ruin my chances at something he knows i want in my life? thats just a plain **** person and i have to believe he isnt that kinda plain **** person.
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 I hate to trot out the old cow/milk analogy, but seriously - why would he want to get married? Not only is he already living the life, but you've also provided the condo to live it in. And while I was thrilled to become a Dad at 47 (had 3 kids already), I took enough ribbing from my friends to know most don't feel that way. Have either of you married before, any children? Mr. Lucky At this point, if he actually doesnt want children or marriage, he should be a man and say it. So i can decide how i want to take that and what i want to do with that information. So, i want to believe that he isn't lying to me.
Happy Lemming Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 Very simple... do the math. He is 47, even if you got pregnant today; he'd be 48 when the child is born and 66, as said child goes off to college. Do you think a man in his 50's can keep up with a toddler, a man in his 60's keep up with a teenager. Do you think he wants to be paying for college tuition at retirement age. I don't care how well he is taking care of his body it is going to start breaking down. It sounds like his testosterone level is already starting to go down, as the sex is starting to trail off. This is normal in a man his age, it happens to all of us men. Of course he is saying what you want to hear... Its a delay tactic. If I'm dating a young "hottie" that is keeping a roof over my head and giving me sex, I'm going to say whatever I think she wants to hear. Personally, I've gone as far as to buy a ring to keep a relationship going. (The ring was a cheap Cubic Zirconia piece of crap, but she didn't know that) And I kept the farce going until I found her replacement. Just my two cents... 2
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 What is the point of that? would he be that selfish to someone he loves to ruin my chances at something he knows i want in my life? thats just a plain **** person and i have to believe he isnt that kinda plain **** person. I doubt he sees it that way. He probably rationalizes it as "I'm happy, she seems to be happy, life is good so why journey into the unknown marriage and parenthood would bring?". In short, in his mind, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. avvril3000, I could be wrong about everything - and my wife will tell you I often am. But to make it though 47 years of confirmed bachelorhood and without kids implies a pretty fixed mindset. I'm not a big fan of ultimatums, but have you considered at least in your own mind setting a deadline? Mr. Lucky
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 Very simple... do the math. He is 47, even if you got pregnant today; he'd be 48 when the child is born and 66, as said child goes off to college. Do you think a man in his 50's can keep up with a toddler, a man in his 60's keep up with a teenager. Do you think he wants to be paying for college tuition at retirement age. I don't care how well he is taking care of his body it is going to start breaking down. It sounds like his testosterone level is already starting to go down, as the sex is starting to trail off. This is normal in a man his age, it happens to all of us men. Of course he is saying what you want to hear... Its a delay tactic. If I'm dating a young "hottie" that is keeping a roof over my head and giving me sex, I'm going to say whatever I think she wants to hear. Personally, I've gone as far as to buy a ring to keep a relationship going. (The ring was a cheap Cubic Zirconia piece of crap, but she didn't know that) And I kept the farce going until I found her replacement. Just my two cents... Its hard for me to believe he would be that much of an awful, self fulfilled person to be that selfish to lie through his pants. he is a sweetheart, and has treated me so well from day 1. but thank you for your personal opinion.
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 I doubt he sees it that way. He probably rationalizes it as "I'm happy, she seems to be happy, life is good so why journey into the unknown marriage and parenthood would bring?". In short, in his mind, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. avvril3000, I could be wrong about everything - and my wife will tell you I often am. But to make it though 47 years of confirmed bachelorhood and without kids implies a pretty fixed mindset. I'm not a big fan of ultimatums, but have you considered at least in your own mind setting a deadline? Mr. Lucky thanks for your opinion. It's hard to set a deadline, because i love him. I dont actually want to be without him. he is my best friend. i dont want anyone else, i dont want marriage with anyone else. i'm an attractive woman, i could find someone and just marry for marriage sake, but i actually wanna marry someone i love. so thats where im starting to feel like i have to just start to work on being ok with a marriageless/childless relationship.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 so thats where im starting to feel like i have to just start to work on being ok with a marriageless/childless relationship. Life is complicated. I was very upfront with my wife early on I only wanted 1-2 kids. We "compromised" on three (in other words, she won) and then somehow had a fourth on the edge of fertility. The last one is the best thing that's ever happened to me, kept me young and I have someone in house to keep the WiFi network updated. Be prepared for the fact life may still have a few surprises for you... Mr. Lucky
FMW Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 If you don't/won't leave him, then there really isn't much advice we can give other than what you are considering - coming to terms with possibly never having children or marriage. He seems happy with the way things are and isn't willing to change them just to please you. You've told him how you feel, what you want. His answer is to wait. He might be inspired to take action if he thought he was going to lose you if he didn't, but you would have to be willing to actually walk away if he didn't, and it seems like you aren't.
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 Life is complicated. I was very upfront with my wife early on I only wanted 1-2 kids. We "compromised" on three (in other words, she won) and then somehow had a fourth on the edge of fertility. The last one is the best thing that's ever happened to me, kept me young and I have someone in house to keep the WiFi network updated. Be prepared for the fact life may still have a few surprises for you... Mr. Lucky Thanks for being positive with your comments and words. All i want is one kid, hah. i mean one to satisfy myself. But at this point, i just dont know anymore. its hard to take him seriously about the future when he speaks about it, and theres no ring on my finger. its embarassing to me that his family questions me why we arent married yet , but apparently they dont ask him (according to him).
Happy Lemming Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 he is a sweetheart, and has treated me so well from day 1. Here are the facts... (1) He is 47, never married and no kids. Why change, its been working well for him for many, many years. (2) You guys have been together 3 years, based on what my male friends did, they got engaged in approximately 2 years. (3) Human being resist change. He may not be doing it intentionally, time is passing and things are good for him. Of course he is treating you well, you are keeping a roof over his head and sleeping with him. Any stray cat will purr if you feed it and keep it warm. 1
Happy Lemming Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 the last one is the best thing that's ever happened to me, kept me young and i have someone in house to keep the wifi network updated. Best Post Of The Day!!
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 Here are the facts... (1) He is 47, never married and no kids. Why change, its been working well for him for many, many years. (2) You guys have been together 3 years, based on what my male friends did, they got engaged in approximately 2 years. (3) Human being resist change. He may not be doing it intentionally, time is passing and things are good for him. Of course he is treating you well, you are keeping a roof over his head and sleeping with him. Any stray cat will purr if you feed it and keep it warm. that makes me really sad .
preraph Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 The answer you said he gave is vague. Have you asked what he means, he wants to get into a stable environment? Does he mean money? Is he saving for an expensive ring, maybe? Does he mean YOU'RE not stable or are there complications with where you live? What did you take that to mean? I agree you can't wait forever. At 47, he may not really want to marry. Are you sure he wants to have kids? Or could he be putting that off because he doesn't want any or doesn't want any more but knows if he told you that, you'd leave?
Happy Lemming Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 that makes me really sad . Not my intention... just trying to put the facts in perspective. You need to use logic (not emotion) to see where you stand and what to do next, if anything. I'm 53, when I met my girlfriend 7 years ago, I told her on the second date that I never wanted to get married nor have kids. She told me that was a HUGE relief as she was divorced and never wanted to get re-married. Kids were off the table, as she went through early menopause (15+ years earlier)
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 The answer you said he gave is vague. Have you asked what he means, he wants to get into a stable environment? Does he mean money? Is he saving for an expensive ring, maybe? Does he mean YOU'RE not stable or are there complications with where you live? What did you take that to mean? I agree you can't wait forever. At 47, he may not really want to marry. Are you sure he wants to have kids? Or could he be putting that off because he doesn't want any or doesn't want any more but knows if he told you that, you'd leave? he says stable environment based on the fact that he lost a lot of money due to losing his home to a natural disaster. Also, our work situation is very stressful, we are endlessly working... we both hate the job. It gives us anxiety, stress and panic attacks. He wants to settle into a life where our works dont cause us panic attacks.
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 Not my intention... just trying to put the facts in perspective. You need to use logic (not emotion) to see where you stand and what to do next, if anything. I'm 53, when I met my girlfriend 7 years ago, I told her on the second date that I never wanted to get married nor have kids. She told me that was a HUGE relief as she was divorced and never wanted to get re-married. Kids were off the table, as she went through early menopause (15+ years earlier) Well i would have expected the same from him. He told me early on that he does want kids and want a relationship to lead to marriage. even before we lived together. even before i bought a condo.
Happy Lemming Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 Well i would have expected the same from him. He told me early on that he does want kids and want a relationship to lead to marriage. even before we lived together. even before i bought a condo. Actions speak louder than words... For the record, prior to my current long term girlfriend, I lied through my teeth when it came to commitment. I just decided to be truthful with her as my sex drive was starting to trail off (naturally) and I wasn't as driven to have sex. I was super relieved to hear she was sterile, as I had a pregnancy scare at 42 with another woman and didn't want to re-visit that situation.
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 Actions speak louder than words... For the record, prior to my current long term girlfriend, I lied through my teeth when it came to commitment. I just decided to be truthful with her as my sex drive was starting to trail off (naturally) and I wasn't as driven to have sex. I was super relieved to hear she was sterile, as I had a pregnancy scare at 42 with another woman and didn't want to re-visit that situation. sigh. ok. i understand what you're saying.
RecentChange Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 He has never been married, no children. I have never been married, no children. Sure - you could be right. But then why lead me on? he assures me, he is not leading me on. But for ****s and giggles, lets say he is. What is the point of that? would he be that selfish to someone he loves to ruin my chances at something he knows i want in my life? thats just a plain **** person and i have to believe he isnt that kinda plain **** person. Sure it’s ****ty.... or it could be a certain level of cowardice. Perhaps he really loves you, so much that he never wants to lose you, and perhaps has said things he really doesn’t mean in an attempt to keep you. I have never wanted kids. I have always known I didn’t want kids. And while I have always been straight aboout this, it has lead to some heart break. Sometimes you fall in love with who you do - but it doesn’t mean your dreams are always the same. How much does he talk about wanting kids and looking forward to being a father? I know some men who just gush about this, even single men who are looking for the right woman to have children with. Is he one of those? One that talks about how many kids, the different joys and challenges a boy or a girl would bring etc? Or does he more or less co-sign your plans? 47 years is a long time to have never been married nor have children. Perhaps this has always been his life’s dream, and for whatever reason he has been terribly slow in accomplishing it. Or perhaps he is telling you what you like to hear. 1
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 Sure it’s ****ty.... or it could be a certain level of cowardice. Perhaps he really loves you, so much that he never wants to lose you, and perhaps has said things he really doesn’t mean in an attempt to keep you. I have never wanted kids. I have always known I didn’t want kids. And while I have always been straight aboout this, it has lead to some heart break. Sometimes you fall in love with who you do - but it doesn’t mean your dreams are always the same. How much does he talk about wanting kids and looking forward to being a father? I know some men who just gush about this, even single men who are looking for the right woman to have children with. Is he one of those? One that talks about how many kids, the different joys and challenges a boy or a girl would bring etc? Or does he more or less co-sign your plans? 47 years is a long time to have never been married nor have children. Perhaps this has always been his life’s dream, and for whatever reason he has been terribly slow in accomplishing it. Or perhaps he is telling you what you like to hear. I hear you. This is totally stuff i have thought about. Its a hard thing to deal with. I would be happier if he was just real with me and if its the case where he actually doesn't want that in his life, then i could figure it out myself and in my head. I'm not here to change him, but he assures me that its actually what he does want and to be patient. After 3 years, i think im being patient enough. We're not 23. We're old, and getting older.
RecentChange Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 he says stable environment based on the fact that he lost a lot of money due to losing his home to a natural disaster. Also, our work situation is very stressful, we are endlessly working... we both hate the job. It gives us anxiety, stress and panic attacks. He wants to settle into a life where our works dont cause us panic attacks. And what changes are you both actively making to change careers etc? As you know your clock is ticking and those type of changes usually take a quite a while (career change / stability). I think most parents will tell you there is never a perfect time to have a kid, but if you really want a child, you make it work. Honestly to me it sounds like he has anxiety about becoming a family (you said already mentioning how divorce can ruin things!?) and will just keep on delaying. He has avoided marriage and family for 47 years. That is no accident.
Author avvril3000 Posted January 4, 2019 Author Posted January 4, 2019 Sure it’s ****ty.... or it could be a certain level of cowardice. Perhaps he really loves you, so much that he never wants to lose you, and perhaps has said things he really doesn’t mean in an attempt to keep you. I have never wanted kids. I have always known I didn’t want kids. And while I have always been straight aboout this, it has lead to some heart break. Sometimes you fall in love with who you do - but it doesn’t mean your dreams are always the same. How much does he talk about wanting kids and looking forward to being a father? I know some men who just gush about this, even single men who are looking for the right woman to have children with. Is he one of those? One that talks about how many kids, the different joys and challenges a boy or a girl would bring etc? Or does he more or less co-sign your plans? 47 years is a long time to have never been married nor have children. Perhaps this has always been his life’s dream, and for whatever reason he has been terribly slow in accomplishing it. Or perhaps he is telling you what you like to hear. Look, i'd be totally ok if he said "honestly, i'd rather us use the money for ourselves and travel and a few dogs rather than raising children." But my issue is i wanna know whats going on. It's my life too! And i feel trapped because he has total control of our relationship in that respect unless i just leave. And the relationship is too good for me to leave. As a man, as a partner, he is great.
Happy Lemming Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 It's my life too! And i feel trapped because he has total control of our relationship in that respect unless i just leave. And the relationship is too good for me to leave. As a man, as a partner, he is great. I can't seem to find who said this, but... "Women control if & when you have sex in a relationship and men control commitment." - Author unknown You are not trapped, you have "free will". You do not wish to leave because the situation is comfortable, but not ideal.
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