Losing faith in finding someone genuine

[dsprimal]

Hi All,

 

So based off my prior posts - after 1.5 months of dating this girl. She ended things with me.

 

Outline to most current time is that she invited me to her families house for Christmas dinner. I asked her a couple days before the dinner what she has been telling her family about me. She told them how great I am and how I am the guy she is dating. The dinner went well. So the following weekend is when she decided to end things.

 

She started it off by asking if I was seeing anyone else, which I told her no. (I know I should have said yes to seem less available but i'm of the age to not play games. so I was being real like I have been since day 1). She claimed she was still hung up on her ex boyfriend that has been on and off for a couple years. She said he reached out around Christmas and got into her head. She said she was torn and all over the place. I told her she should have blocked him if she truly wanted to get over him, but she said its more than that. He's a really good friend and important to her so its not "simple". Side note - she had past drug abuse and was an alcoholic and also had an eating disorder. Which makes me wonder if this guy was contributing to her past life?? She has been clean for a year. I never asked her more about him because I honestly didn't care nor wanted to bring him into OUR relationship.

 

She also admitted to had just gone out on a date with a different guy the night before this current date that I am telling you all about. She also admitted to being on dating apps still. I was torn. I didn't flip out on her but instead thanked her for letting me know sooner than later. I then went on and told her how awesome/great of a girl she was and what I saw in her. Told her the guy she has been on and off with should be blessed to have her in his life (yes I know - BETA - but I was being REAL). I told her I was not going to try manipulating or changing her mind on what she wants because that would be selfish.

 

I told her it has been hard to talk to her and how with other girls my conversations flow fine but with her I draw blanks....She then said "well who knows if you got the point of feeling fully comfy around me if you would even still in interested in me...".

 

She wished she could date BOTH of us. I told her no, that's not me. She said she felt distance in our conversations throughout the time we were dating and I said "would you of wanted to hang out more?" and she was like "of course, with my future soulmate of course I would want to hangout more often". I was so confused at this point. These things were never vocalized during our time. I didn't want to ask her out daily because I didn't want to seem overbearing based off how she said she's scared of commitment (in my prior post).

 

She said physically I am what she wants. She said she has so many issues she needs to work on before looking for a SOULMATE. I told her "so you feel like you need to go back to your ex in order to solve these issues??? you do know that's not healthy..." and she agreed but then said she doesn't know what she wants. She told me she wants me in her life in some way so maybe in the future we can work out when she is clear minded.

 

I told her I know my value and worth and I won't be strung along. I told her the only way I would consider involving myself with her is if she cuts all ties with past relationships and to genuinely come back to me with open arms.

 

I am sad. hurt. but I know I was true to myself and to her since the first day so that brings me comfort. If i knew she was looking for a FWB. The reason why I think she wanted FWB is because she kept bringing up how important sex is to her (wonder if she replaced her drugs and alcoholic ways to sex addiction now). Anyways... Feelings were caught so I couldn't of looked at her as a FWB even if I started all over.

 

So a couple days later for New Years Eve she texted me a Happy New Year and hope I was having a good time. I didn't respond. I normally would have out of common courtesy but once you dismiss me.....i'm out.

[SunFeel]

How old are you?

Edited January 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of starting post

[preraph]

Boy, she has a lot of issues. Honestly, you probably have only seen the tip of the iceberg in that six weeks you've known her. If you knew her better, you'd probably have been scared off. You were civil to her and sensible. When someone has that many issues they're dealing with plus an ex, bowing out gracefully is actually pretty alpha! It was common sense. I bet you will find someone else with less issues before long. Good luck!

[dsprimal]

How old are you?

 

31 years of age. and so is she.

[dsprimal]

Boy, she has a lot of issues. Honestly, you probably have only seen the tip of the iceberg in that six weeks you've known her. If you knew her better, you'd probably have been scared off. You were civil to her and sensible. When someone has that many issues they're dealing with plus an ex, bowing out gracefully is actually pretty alpha! It was common sense. I bet you will find someone else with less issues before long. Good luck!

 

Yeah because I was hurt but didn't feel the need to lash out on her. I felt where she was coming from and for once this is the most OPEN and HONEST she has been with me the whole time. She always seemed closed off, which circles back to why communication with her was hard. I told her she puts me out of my element and I was thinking it was ME the whole time. A girl like that didn't deserve the typical reaction of anger. I felt that wouldn't have benefit either of us. I just hope she see's good in people moving forward. I still miss her and wish she could have worked out though.

 

She told me before the night ended and I dropped her off....she said she now clearly see's where both of our maturity levels are and how she respects my level of maturity for knowing what I want and how open I have been the whole time. Then she was hard on herself on not knowing what to look for and what she wants and how she is immature.

 

I also asked her "will you ever be ready?" being that she is still entertaining a toxic on and off relationship and she said "yes". But really? idk why I care if she will ever find the one, but I question myself for the failing of the situation. So will she find the ONE?

 

ALSO - why would she reach out for NYE to wish me a Happy New Year? I always try seeing the good in people.

Edited January 3, 2019 by dsprimal

[Gretchen12]

I then went on and told her how awesome/great of a girl she was and what I saw in her. Told her the guy she has been on and off with should be blessed to have her in his life.

 

Do you really think she's that great? Or was that just an expression? I don't think you should react with anger. But if after what happened, you really think a guy is blessed to have her in his life, maybe you're not so good at picking a good woman. Are you genuine with yourself?

[smackie9]

Told you she wasn't emotionally ready. As for the family dinner, she did that to show her family she's doing good, and that she can find a man. She's done with the holidays, now she's gettin crackin on dating others.

[elaine567]

When people tell you who they are, it is best to believe them instead of concocting fairy stories in your head and then get hurt, disappointed and dumped...

She had multiple "issues", she didn't want exclusivity, commitment scares her, she had other guys and she spoke about wanting "freedom"...

Gf material???

NO.

[dsprimal]

what should I do if she reaches out again.

[preraph]

Yeah because I was hurt but didn't feel the need to lash out on her. I felt where she was coming from and for once this is the most OPEN and HONEST she has been with me the whole time. She always seemed closed off, which circles back to why communication with her was hard. I told her she puts me out of my element and I was thinking it was ME the whole time. A girl like that didn't deserve the typical reaction of anger. I felt that wouldn't have benefit either of us. I just hope she see's good in people moving forward. I still miss her and wish she could have worked out though.

 

She told me before the night ended and I dropped her off....she said she now clearly see's where both of our maturity levels are and how she respects my level of maturity for knowing what I want and how open I have been the whole time. Then she was hard on herself on not knowing what to look for and what she wants and how she is immature.

 

I also asked her "will you ever be ready?" being that she is still entertaining a toxic on and off relationship and she said "yes". But really? idk why I care if she will ever find the one, but I question myself for the failing of the situation. So will she find the ONE?

 

ALSO - why would she reach out for NYE to wish me a Happy New Year? I always try seeing the good in people.

 

Women will often try to be "just friends." It's easy for them. What has she got to lose, right?

 

She just sounds really lost and confused, and that's because she has a lot of issues, even though she's trying to deal with them. You know that underneath most addiction type things lies some pain from childhood or sometime earlier in life, and so does gravitating to an abuser. It's a familiarity thing. She just probably isn't going to have a successful unchaotic relationship anytime in the next 10 years. She has alot of work to do.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

what should I do if she reaches out again.

 

I would ignore. Been through similar situations and they never end up good. You should that you are better then being a back up for her. All her reasons are just excuses, when someone cares about you they will stay w/you. Don't let her mess w/your head or heart. If she doesn't value you, then she doesn't deserve your attention. There are genuine people out there, just might be a struggle to find them. When you find a genuine person, you will be able to sense that.

[Garcon1986]

I would leave this one alone, she doesn't want somebody to think about her as a construction project, and you don't have the time to put this much work into a new girlfriend. I would find a better woman here.

[PRW]

There's some things I'll point out for you to do better with the next one. There are a bunch of mistakes here, but my goal is to point them out so that you can watch out for that on the next one.

 

- after 1.5 months of dating this girl. She ended things with me.

For the sake of perspective that is only 1.5 months. There is nothing to "end" yet.

 

I asked her a couple days before the dinner what she has been telling her family about me.

Never do that. This makes you look really bad.

 

She started it off by asking if I was seeing anyone else, which I told her no. (I know I should have said yes to seem less available but i'm of the age to not play games. so I was being real like I have been since day 1).

No need to lie, but you can dodge the question. Say "I don't kiss and tell" or something like that,...with a smile and a good and happy attitude.

 

She claimed she was still hung up on her ex boyfriend that has been on and off for a couple years. She said he reached out around Christmas and got into her head. She said she was torn and all over the place.

This is her warning you in a backhanded way that she is not confident about you. The "why" doesn't matter, whose fault it might be doesn't matter,....the point is she is not confident about the situation with you and that is the take-a-away from it.

 

I told her she should have blocked him if she truly wanted to get over him, but she said its more than that.

Never get in conversations with her about any of her Exs, and absolutely never give her "advice" on dealing with them. Dodge/change the subject, tell you you have to go to the bathroom or feed the goldfish or something, but get away from such conversations.

 

She also admitted to had just gone out on a date with a different guy the night before this current date that I am telling you all about. She also admitted to being on dating apps still. I was torn. I didn't flip out on her but instead thanked her for letting me know sooner than later. I then went on and told her how awesome/great of a girl she was and what I saw in her. Told her the guy she has been on and off with should be blessed to have her in his life (yes I know - BETA - but I was being REAL).

Never be "torn"

Yes, you did flip out. That is what all the cheezy compliments were all about.

Screw being "real",...be "right" instead.

 

I told her I was not going to try manipulating or changing her mind on what she wants because that would be selfish.

Telling her that means exactly that you were trying to manipulate her and change her mind. This was pure Virtue Signalling and basically just "Pleaser" behavor. No more of that!

 

I told her it has been hard to talk to her and how with other girls my conversations flow fine but with her I draw blanks....She then said "well who knows if you got the point of feeling fully comfy around me if you would even still in interested in me...".

Read between the lines. You were telling her that you felt unworthy around her.

 

She wished she could date BOTH of us. I told her no, that's not me. She said she felt distance in our conversations throughout the time we were dating and I said "would you of wanted to hang out more?" and she was like "of course, with my future soulmate of course I would want to hangout more often". I was so confused at this point.

She said that you were not comunicating. You said, so you don't want me? and she said, no, you aren't in my future.

 

She said physically I am what she wants. She said she has so many issues she needs to work on before looking for a SOULMATE.

She said you were attractive but she is turned off by the other issues (that I pointed out above). That was a redirection to soften the blow on your feelings when she said that "she had the issues", but to her it was really your issues.

 

I told her "so you feel like you need to go back to your ex in order to solve these issues??? you do know that's not healthy..."

You have to stop doing this stuff and being caught up in their Exs -vs- yourself.

 

She told me she wants me in her life in some way so maybe in the future we can work out when she is clear minded.

Women generally don't like to hurt someone's feelings. She was just softening the blow to your feelings again. She does like you in a general sense as a person, but romantically she is turned off.

 

I told her I know my value and worth and I won't be strung along. I told her the only way I would consider involving myself with her is if she cuts all ties with past relationships and to genuinely come back to me with open arms.

I have mixed feelings on this. It is good that you stood up for yourself a bit here. But. Never tell a woman "I know my value and worth". It is one of those things that when it is true it never has to be said. The "I won't be strung along" is actually accusatory and defensive in that you were accusing her of "stinging you a long". Telling her to "cut all ties" just doesn't fit the situation since you aren't in a committed relationship. Besides you are saying all this after you have already been dumped anyway.

 

Feelings were caught so I couldn't of looked at her as a FWB even if I started all over.

That was one big part of the problem to start with. You were too invested right from the beginning when you should have just focused on "hang out, have fun",...and been willing to also date others at the same time until one of the candidates rose to the top and started the exclusivity conversation with you.

So a couple days later for New Years Eve she texted me a Happy New Year and hope I was having a good time. I didn't respond. I normally would have out of common courtesy but once you dismiss me.....i'm out.

Well I understand you feeling like that but it makes you look bad and burns bridges needlessly. You never know when a hot chick you went out with in the past may introduce you to one of her friends,...so you want a good reputation with them. I am on good terms with everyone I have went out with over the past few years and am often around them at social events (platonically) and we all get along fine. I have been to events where there were three past dates there all at the same time and we all get along just fine.

 

I strongly recommend that you get Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man" and read it till you practically memorize it. All of the things I mentioned above will make perfect sense to you then.

[some_username1]

what should I do if she reaches out again.

 

Well, that's the acid test of whether you have learned anything from this sorry situation. The path to enlightenment would be to laugh to yourself and hang up/delete the message and not give it any more thought. The path to more pain and heartache would be to reply and think that any further interaction will result in a different outcome.

 

I would gently suggest that you need to learn to love and value yourself first OP because you will struggle to find a woman who will value you if you can't do it for yourself. There were a small handful of us on your last thread who knew what this girl was all about and saw this coming - of course she wasn't going to give up her bull pen of dicks even though she paid lip service to you by saying that she had decided she just wanted to date you. To be fair to you at least at this point (belatedly) you told her that it doesn't work for you anymore. It is good in some ways that you think you were true to yourself in building her confidence up although I would question whether that is another indication of some evaluation/valuing of yourself that you need to do because I don't see how anyone with a healthy outlook can think that a girl who agreed exclusivity, invited you for Christmas then days later sneaked out for a date with a random guy is any sort of prize. I wouldn't be lucky to have her!

 

In future if you are looking for a genuine relationship (as per your thread title) and you ask your number 1 prospect for exclusivity and they play hard ball you need to politely tell them that doesn't work for you and walk away. Life is constantly going to test you and you need to show it that in order to win what you desire you are prepared to lose it first.

[PRW]

what should I do if she reaches out again.

That isn't going to happen, or if it does it will be platonic. But most likely, never gonna happen.

[alphamale]

dude, this chick is a wacko

[dsprimal]

Lets say she reaches out and we talk again. This has honestly been the first time she has been fully open and honest with me since the beginning. Now that we clearly know where both of us stand, which is to NOT be together. Her willing to reach out for NYE or clearly want to have me involved in her life someway.

 

Thinking back to it....she told me on our first date that she has a lot of guy friends and very few girl friends. So this is probably the reasoning.

 

Makes me kind of sick to think about that. But i've thought it over and if we got a chance to go out and talk it over. Do you think this can work if we actually COMMUNICATE and speak strongly on exactly what we want?

[FMW]

You would be begging for misery if you have anything more to do with her. There are so very many reasons to run the opposite direction from her, pay attention to what the other posters are telling you.

 

Put this down to experience and LEARN from it, don't repeat it.

[dsprimal]

The sad thing about it all is that I grew up in a pretty toxic household. So I have been in past relationships that weren't healthy but yet exciting because that is what I was familiar with.

 

A desire in me wants her still (sexually) because she is very open sexually. I believe that is where her new addiction lies being that she no longer does any drugs or drinks. So she replaced it with sex.

 

Knowing this and how shes is NO GOOD has me intrigued. Thinking about the "make up sex" and treating her totally different from how I have been knowing what type of girl she is now.

 

Why are all the pretty ones the most scarred?? It's like shes my addiction, the type to inflict hurt onto others.

[alphamale]

Why are all the pretty ones the most scarred??

 

because it easier for them to get into and then out of relationships with men

[elaine567]

Why are all the pretty ones the most scarred??

 

They're not. The normal pretty ones get snapped up by quality guys.

It is these "bargain basement" ones that cause mayhem in the lives of ordinary guys. They look great but they are seriously flawed. Quality guys will not touch them with a bargepole.

The ordinary guy cannot believe his luck that she even gives him the time of day. He puts up with all sorts of her nonsense and ends up posting on forums like these.

He doesn't want to let her go, no matter how bad it gets,as he knows he will never be able to get such a hot sexy woman again.

But he runs the risk of getting scarred himself, the "madness" can be contagious.

[SevenCity]

Told you she wasn't emotionally ready. As for the family dinner, she did that to show her family she's doing good, and that she can find a man. She's done with the holidays, now she's gettin crackin on dating others.

 

You really need to write a book Smackie. Even I didn't pick up on reasons behind that behavior.

[nolanola]

A couple of things. I would advise you to seek therapy on why you are attracted to this type of woman. A woman like this is NEVER going to love you back the way you want them to, no matter how open and honest you think she's being. This is the male equivalent of the women that keep seeking out "bad boys" who treat them like crap and ignore decent men. I think this is a major issue for you -- not that you were too "beta" or whatever. This woman is bad news and if you keep the door open, she will make your life miserable. This is the type of woman that will wind up burning down your house after sleeping with your best friend. You mention your childhood was toxic. That has obviously affected you. But that doesn't give you a free pass to do stupid things. You recognize that you have issues to work on -- take this opportunity rather than staying stuck in the mud.

 

Another thing, you need to figure out what you want and take action that puts you in that direction. You want (or wanted) a committed relationship with this woman. When she tells you that she isn't into that, that is your cue to say "That's too bad, I wish you well" and leave. Not hang around telling her a bunch of compliments about how great she is. You've got to stand up for yourself. She is stringing you along and you are willingly going along. This will make her lose any respect she might have for you.