Breakup completely out of nowhere .. ??

[benAlewood]

The story is incredibly long and so I can't say everything so I'll try and condense it down to the crucial parts. Also, I'm very dyslexic so sorry if this doens't make much sense.

 

So me and my girlfriend had been dating for about a year and a half and things were literally perfect. There never seemed to be any issues in our relationship, we were very happy together and hopelessly in love. We had always taken things slow and both of us were happy with how things were progressing. We both got along really well with each others family and had talked about going traveling abroad (we had gone on holiday locally) with each other, kids and even marriage. For a bit of background, we're both in our early 20's.

 

She then went on a three week holiday with her dad. She was climbing up to Everest base camp with her dad. All the way up we were talking and Facetiming as much as we could. Sadly she got really ill with a parasite and couldn't eat for almost a week but still managed to make base camp. After base camp, we didn't speak for about 2-3 days due to lack of signal, but then when she finally got signal I could tell something had changed. From then on until when she got back home she seemed incredibly distant and not herself. Apparently, she was hoping things would fall back into place but they sadly just didn't.

 

Over the next two weeks since she had got back we saw each other a couple of times (we currently live about 100 miles away from each other due to me being at University). I brought up the fact that she felt distant and she agreed. She wasn't sure what was happening and said she didn't feel like herself. We met one evening to talk about everything that was happening and it ended with her saying maybe it would be best to put things on pause while she figures out what she wants. Funnily enough, I was the one that almost had to put the words in her mouth as she couldn't bring herself to say this. She was crying all that evening and cuddling me.

 

Fast forward a week and things were tough for me. We were back to talking every second of the day, but I was struggling with excepting what was going on so I suggested we tried a week of no contact to help us figure out what was going on. Fast forward that week and I messaged her. We both agreed it was one of the most painful things we'd ever done and didn't want to do it again. Fast forward another week and I was back to feeling like I was before, struggling to understand what was going on and she still didn't know what she wanted. We agreed that taking some proper time apart was probably the only way to move forward. Fast forward two weeks, I messaged her and we arranged to go for dinner. We laughed and talked all evening like nothing had ever happened, but the elephant in the room wasn't addressed. Because of this, we decided to meet in private the following evening to talk again.

 

That evening is a bit of a blur to be honest. She was crying all evening, holding me tight and gripping my hands tight. She said she still loves me, she doesn't want to be with anyone else but seems to think that shes got things which she needs to do first. Mostly go traveling. Funny though as she always talked about wanting me to come with her .. I'll also add, she currently is saving up to go traveling by working in a job she hates. She also has really fallen out with her parents since she has got back and her Dad said she just doesn't seem the same. That evening then ended with her kissing me on the lips goodbye.

 

Since then we haven't spoke apart from we spent new years together (we share the same group of friends) where we talked and danced loads together and she kept grabbing my hand. The evening then ended with me suggesting we head to the beach (always our favourite spot) of which she orginally was really up for but the had a bit of a 'moment' and got all upset and got a lift with her dad home. Since then she apologised for walking off and said hope much she appreciates me and how I'm always there for her. We talked all new years day but then I ended the day saying space is probably a good thing as neither of us know what's going on of which she replied 'unfortunately so'. She then text me the next day with some news of our friends who had just got engaged, we talked all day and then I ended it the same way.

 

She seems to be very confused and conflicted. Is it as simple as I just need to wait until she's ready? I would literally wait forever if that was necessary. I don't understand why she's ended things as with everything she's brought up, there is no reason we coudn't battle it together?

 

Please bear in mind that I have no intention of moving on anytime soon and that is not what I want to do, but any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreiated.

[preraph]

What happened is she climbed a mountain and from there could see how vast the world is compared to her small microcosm of a world at home, and she wants to explore it. On top of that, she had a scare with the illness that made her realize how short life is. She had an epiphany. Now she wants to be free to explore. That is probably the source of her conflict with her parents, too, who, of course, fear for her to just be out in the world on her own, as all parents do.

 

You need to just let her go and not have an angry falling out and give her her freedom. Don't burn any bridges. She might be back around someday. Meanwhile, now you have your freedom and you should probably also do some exploring. Do not demand she stay in touch. This is a life step for her. She is just changing.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting and I can see why you'd be baffled, but it's really pretty normal for her to want to do this.

[benAlewood]

Thank you for this.

 

To be honest this is exactly what I've been thinking. From the moment she said she thought she just needs to get traveling out of her system I've been as supportive as I can be towards that and have expressed that I don't have any resentment towards her. I think the whole "If you really love her, you have to let her go" quote is pretty appropriate here. And she's expressed her thanks towards that many a time in how supportive I am of her and how I'm always there for her no matter what.

 

We're still extremely good friends even though we've decided not to talk as this has been making it harder for both of us, which shows her feelings are still there I guess.

 

I guess I've just got to let time take its course and see what the outcome is. I certainly won't be forgetting about her in a hurry though that's for sure.

[d0nnivain]

Your GF has goals. Climbing Everest is not something most people do. Unfortunately she didn't reach the summit only base camp. She got sick.

 

That has to be a life changing experience. As a result she wants to make changes. Yet you are safe, loyal & loving but she probably had a lot of time to think while almost dying on a remote frozen mountain. Now she sees safe & comfortable as a bad thing. She has goals & is willing to sacrifice to get them, including working a job she hates.

 

She suffered a huge disappointment when she got sick & didn't reach her goal. Now she's more determined then ever to reach all of her life goals & she doesn't want anything or anybody to hold her back.

 

She's a nice person & she does care about you but right now she doesn't see you as part of her future. You are the guy clipping her wings & trying to tether her to the mundane. I'm not saying you aren't supportive but right now she is all about her in the sense that she doesn't want the responsibly of a relationship.

 

The more NC you have, the more you are apart, the less likely things will be resolved. All you being apart is teaching her is that she can go on without you. You have to get her to talk & to work with you to resolve things. If you are also a mountain climber, then start training with her for the next ascent.

[preraph]

Thank you for this.

 

To be honest this is exactly what I've been thinking. From the moment she said she thought she just needs to get traveling out of her system I've been as supportive as I can be towards that and have expressed that I don't have any resentment towards her. I think the whole "If you really love her, you have to let her go" quote is pretty appropriate here. And she's expressed her thanks towards that many a time in how supportive I am of her and how I'm always there for her no matter what.

 

We're still extremely good friends even though we've decided not to talk as this has been making it harder for both of us, which shows her feelings are still there I guess.

 

I guess I've just got to let time take its course and see what the outcome is. I certainly won't be forgetting about her in a hurry though that's for sure.

 

Yes. I strongly encourage you to try to do a little exploring and/or traveling on your own so that when she checks in, it won't be a one-sided conversation of her having exciting happenings and you saying, Same ol, same ol. Be sure you also expand and explore and at least go somewhere and do something new. It doesn't have to be climb a mountain. I don't know where you are, but if it's U.S., go camping somewhere or get a cabin in a state park. Visit a big city for a weekend. Keep yourself growing and interesting by doing new things!

[benAlewood]

Yes. I strongly encourage you to try to do a little exploring and/or traveling on your own so that when she checks in, it won't be a one-sided conversation of her having exciting happenings and you saying, Same ol, same ol. Be sure you also expand and explore and at least go somewhere and do something new. It doesn't have to be climb a mountain. I don't know where you are, but if it's U.S., go camping somewhere or get a cabin in a state park. Visit a big city for a weekend. Keep yourself growing and interesting by doing new things!

Yeah I definitely plan to do this, not only for the reasons you said, but also just for my own growth. How would you approach to NC rule? Should I really enforce it or should I just accept when she messages me and respond as best I can?

[benAlewood]

Your GF has goals. Climbing Everest is not something most people do. Unfortunately she didn't reach the summit only base camp. She got sick.

 

That has to be a life changing experience. As a result she wants to make changes. Yet you are safe, loyal & loving but she probably had a lot of time to think while almost dying on a remote frozen mountain. Now she sees safe & comfortable as a bad thing. She has goals & is willing to sacrifice to get them, including working a job she hates.

 

She suffered a huge disappointment when she got sick & didn't reach her goal. Now she's more determined then ever to reach all of her life goals & she doesn't want anything or anybody to hold her back.

 

She's a nice person & she does care about you but right now she doesn't see you as part of her future. You are the guy clipping her wings & trying to tether her to the mundane. I'm not saying you aren't supportive but right now she is all about her in the sense that she doesn't want the responsibly of a relationship.

 

The more NC you have, the more you are apart, the less likely things will be resolved. All you being apart is teaching her is that she can go on without you. You have to get her to talk & to work with you to resolve things. If you are also a mountain climber, then start training with her for the next ascent.

Thank you for this. Would you suggest not to force NC then and just embrace it when we do speak. Make it normal and keep it familiar?

[preraph]

Yeah I definitely plan to do this, not only for the reasons you said, but also just for my own growth. How would you approach to NC rule? Should I really enforce it or should I just accept when she messages me and respond as best I can?

 

Well, I wouldn't burn any bridges with her. But it is true you need to move on and date other people as she is probably going to do. Don't get in the habit of letting her cry on your shoulder about other guys, though, or rub dating in her face, but you could date other women and move on because that's what she is doing.

 

If you find you are unable to move on any way except no contact, then do that. But if I were you, I would just not initiate much communication except maybe a happy birthday (no gift though) and respond if she contacts you to ask how it's going. She asks what you're doing, tell her, but about dating, just say, "Oh, dating a little," but don't go into details or let her pump you for information. Change the subject.

 

So I guess just kind of peel it way back and don't try to totally keep up with her but no reason to be mean either, unless she begins to lean on you or do things which make you strongly feel she is trying to keep you hanging on waiting for her or trying to make you jealous. In which case, tell her, Hey, you're moving on and I care about you, but I can't sit here waiting to see if you change your mind. I'm going to assume you won't unless you tell me otherwise right up front.

 

And don't go looking at her social media. No reason to torture yourself with her photos of guys who may be nothing, just someone in the same place as her. Just stay away from that. Don't "focus" on her now. Stay busy doing things. Don't watch her feed. It will make you crazy.

[benAlewood]

But it is true you need to move on and date other people as she is probably going to do. Don't get in the habit of letting her cry on your shoulder about other guys, though, or rub dating in her face, but you could date other women and move on because that's what she is doing.

 

Neither of us have ever been people to just date for the sake of it and would only do so if we see an real future. I have complete belief from what her and other people have told me that she has no intention of dating for a long time, at least till she has done her traveling and started figuring herself out. Equally neither of us are ones to sleep around so that's not something to worry about.

 

Safe to say if she got a new boyfriend in the next 6 months to a year everyone would be pretty shocked. However if that did happen I would be sure to voice my opinion.

 

I honestly have a lot of confidence that keeping in mind how things ended, sometime in the future we will get back together.

[preraph]

I don't see how you meet someone to have a future with if you're not going to date! Doesn't mean you have to sleep around, though. But I think you should go be social and meet people, or you could end up waiting and she moves on without you. I just don't believe in waiting for someone who breaks up with you. I hope you get back together, but it is certainly not a given. Keep us posted.

[benAlewood]

I don't see how you meet someone to have a future with if you're not going to date! Doesn't mean you have to sleep around, though. But I think you should go be social and meet people, or you could end up waiting and she moves on without you. I just don't believe in waiting for someone who breaks up with you. I hope you get back together, but it is certainly not a given. Keep us posted.

 

I don't know .. from the day I told her I liked her I knew it was going to be something big and exciting. I do agree with being social and meeting new people though. Got to make sure I take the opportunity to keep bettering myself while we're apart.

 

I just don't believe in waiting for someone who breaks up with you. I hope you get back together, but it is certainly not a given. Keep us posted.

 

The break up didn't seem normal though, she says she still loves me and I do believe that. I think she just needs time. There was never anything wrong with our relationship, it's just timing and because of that I'm willing to wait however long it takes. One thing she said herself was "I feel I met you too soon in life".

[BC1980]

No one is ever really conflicted about breaking up with someone by the time they actually do it. They've thought about it for awhile. It's hard to break up with someone that didn't do anything awful to you. She likely doesn't want to hurt you and feels bad about that.

 

Does it really make sense to break up with someone that you still love? Does that make sense to you? Of course it doesn't. Think of it this way. You are willing to wait forever for her, but she is willing to risk everything to break up with you. She is willing to risk losing you.

[preraph]

I don't know .. from the day I told her I liked her I knew it was going to be something big and exciting. I do agree with being social and meeting new people though. Got to make sure I take the opportunity to keep bettering myself while we're apart.

 

 

 

 

The break up didn't seem normal though, she says she still loves me and I do believe that. I think she just needs time. There was never anything wrong with our relationship, it's just timing and because of that I'm willing to wait however long it takes. One thing she said herself was "I feel I met you too soon in life".

 

Well, I hope you're right. But if you read enough on here, you'll soon see that a woman often breaks up and still says she loves you. You know, you can love someone and still need to leave them sometimes. And there's different kinds of love. She hasn't raised any of those typical issues like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" so far, so maybe you don't have to deal with that at least. That there is a death knell, though. If they fall out of love with you because it means they aren't attracted anymore, so it isn't going to work probably.

 

I guess all you can do is live your life and let her live hers. You may go separate ways, or not. But don't waste time just waiting and waiting. She did break up.

[manfrombelow2]

Women who love you, don't break up with you.

 

To me all those Everest climbing stuff is BS, and it has little to nothing to do with your breakup.

 

Your girl broke up with you, because her interest level for you dropped. Period.

 

What you shơuld have done at the moment she declared her intention, is to say something along the line of "OK, Call me when you've changed your mind. Best of lucks" and ceased immediately all contacts with her.