willnotdoit Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 I'm 23, he's 29. We met on Tinder. He asked me to be his girlfriend about a month ago, so we haven't been together particularly long. There's a few issues and as a result, I'm feeling indifference towards him and the relationship. He works from 3pm to about 8/9pm each day and often he gets me to drive over to his place to see him after work, I obviously do not mind however it’s a bit tiring. I’m still living at home and he’s apparently not comfortable meeting the rest of my family just yet, semi understandable despite the fact he wants me to meet his sister. We barely go out to eat anymore, he just prefers ordering uber eats. I sometimes have to offer to do things such as going for a hike etc. Although he did mention in January, he wants to go for a road trip. He smokes, something I do not do and don’t like. We first had an argument, not exactly an argument but definitely a little issue about something a few weeks ago. When we talked about it and I reversed the situation to see what it would be like for him on the receiving end, he did not allow me to speak, kept cutting me off and telling me that what I was going to say is irrelevant. Another time, we had an argument about white bread. I told him that I thought what he said was incorrect which kind of led to an argument, but not exactly a civil conversation. I have no issue with debating about issues but it’s how it’s presented and the attitude which makes it all that different. He did the same thing again, cutting me off, shaking his head, going on is phone to prove that white bread is better for you than wholemeal/grain and brown. I went away for Christmas and on Christmas day, he tried calling me a few times however I was with family and quite busy, he was at home by himself as his family was away, so I called him back that evening, he didn’t answer the call and texted me saying he was face timing his family back home. I was like.. okay, why can’t you just text me after I call and say “Sorry face timing family, will call you back soon” instead of waiting an hour or longer. I find him a bit malicious at times for example, if I unintentionally don’t reply or answer his call for a few hours, he will do the same to me. I got back from my holiday on the 29th and even though he’s been working a little bit during the day, we haven’t caught up. I just thought he would be more enthusiastic to see me. The other day for NYE, I asked him what he’s doing and he said he’s not sure, he might just be going home after work, then the next day he said he’s going to some area for it. He asked me what I’m doing but absolutely no mention of catching up. Again, weird. Were supposedly in a relationship yet you’re not even wanting to spend nye with your girlfriend/boyfriend? Not even a kiss for NYE. I kind of cheekily said “Oh thanks for the invite” and he said “Haha I’m not sure you would have appreciate your new years eve surrounded by frenchies (he’s french) you can get easily annoyed with only one around so I can’t imagine what it would be if it were to be with a bunch” then he claimed he was joking. No idea where he got this assumption from however I didn't even respond to the message. I didn't text him happy nye and he didn't for me. The next day he sent me a happy NYE and was quite annoyed that I didn’t. We caught up today, I would actually like to think I’ve got great skin (bit on the fair side but no wrinkles/breakouts), he says in a joking manner whilst I was away I should’ve got more sun. Felt in between my legs and said “You need to work out a bit more” and then at another time, pointing at my nails as there was a tiny bit of dirt underneath. I sort of voiced that he was insulting me but promised we weren’t. He complained I didn’t kiss him or hug him properly as I had to text a lady regarding a job. I told him that I showed my friend the text he sent me on NYE regarding the French people and that she agreed he might be taking a dig at me. He immediately jumped down my throat and said "That's bull****, of course your friend is going to agree" We then had a big discussion about me not sending him a NYE text, ignoring his French text and how I went out the night before and didn’t text him in the evening. I told him that I didn’t reply those evenings because 1) I was offended at the french text and 2) the night beforehand, I knew we weren’t going to catch up so I left it. I said as we were talking “You could’ve texted me saying, if your night turns sour, lets catch up” and he took it the wrong way and said he thinks that’s my way of saying “If this party isn’t good, your my last option” Then complained to me the last 10 days during Christmas, he was away from his family, alone, work has been stressful trying to find a sponsorship and he feels like I've been blaming him. Do not understand this. Of course, I sympathised with him regarding job/being away from family. TL;DR I don't feel completely invested with my boyfriend and it appears he's the same. A few issues that are making me think twice. Arrogant in arguments, smokes, still on tinder, didn't want to see me for something special such as NYE. Kind of was thinking as we both had plans, we could at least see each other before going out or later in the evening. I’m exhausted.
Wallysbears Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Ditch him. He sounds like a complete headache and nothing special. 1
introverted1 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Long post of all the reasons he's not Mr. Right. What's keeping you with him? Are there things you like or are you just looking for confirmation to leave?
stillafool Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Break up. I can't seem to understand what you two ever liked about each other. 1
greymatter Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 You've listed all of the reasons in your post why he isn't a good person to be in a relationship with AND you are not invested, so break it off. You clearly realize that his behavior is unacceptable. Are you with him so that you feel valuable by thinking you must be if you have a boyfriend? You have to value yourself and not look for external validation (and you'll never be treated with respect by the guy you call your boyfriend).
LadybugLucy Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Run! He’s mentally and emotionally abusing you. Get out now!
Malin889 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 It sounds like he's got some emotionally abusive tendencies... telling you you need to lose weight, criticizing you for not texting him, telling you you didn't kiss or hug him properly... Get out now while you can. Better you learned this now then when you're living together 2 years down the road. Things will only get worse.
Author willnotdoit Posted January 3, 2019 Author Posted January 3, 2019 It sounds like he's got some emotionally abusive tendencies... telling you you need to lose weight, criticizing you for not texting him, telling you you didn't kiss or hug him properly... Get out now while you can. Better you learned this now then when you're living together 2 years down the road. Things will only get worse. It’s ridiculous as I actually weigh 45kg, he’s quite muscly but bony. Thank you!
Author willnotdoit Posted January 3, 2019 Author Posted January 3, 2019 You've listed all of the reasons in your post why he isn't a good person to be in a relationship with AND you are not invested, so break it off. You clearly realize that his behavior is unacceptable. Are you with him so that you feel valuable by thinking you must be if you have a boyfriend? You have to value yourself and not look for external validation (and you'll never be treated with respect by the guy you call your boyfriend). Great point you have there and you may be exactly right - I could be holding onto this purely to feel “valuable” having a boyfriend. When in reality, it’s bringing me down. 1
smackie9 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 You are dating the wrong guy. You deserve to be happy right? This guy isn't cutting it....time to throw him back into the sea.
Malin889 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Great point you have there and you may be exactly right - I could be holding onto this purely to feel “valuable” having a boyfriend. When in reality, it’s bringing me down. Yes it will. I was in a similar relationship (for much longer unfortunately) and it only brings you down. Get out now while you can. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 What in the fresh heck are you still doing there? I would not have dated this guy even this long. It's time to end it. You two barely even like each other.
bathtub-row Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 I agree with the others - I can’t fathom why you’re with this guy. Another thing you may not have mentally assimilated yet is that he’s showing tendencies toward being verbally and/or physically abusive. They start out with the dominating arguments over petty things and then when they figure out you’ll put up with that, they escalate the behavior. They also like to jump between appearing aloof and uncaring toward their partner, to being possessive. Now watch how he acts when you dump him. Don’t be fooled by anything he does or doesn’t do. Don’t think trying to get you back means anything and don’t think him acting like he doesn’t care that you dumped him means anything either. It’s all an act of manipulation. He has shown you who he is. Believe him and walk. These people do not get better and they do not change for the better.
PRW Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 (edited) I try to not tell anyone to breakup or stay together. I just try to analyze to details, try to lay them out in an understandable way, and let them decide. But I have to say I kinda agree with the others here. But I can't resist analyzing a bit! So here are my thoughts on some things. I'm 23, he's 29. We met on Tinder. He asked me to be his girlfriend about a month ago,This should always come from the woman when she is ready. Always be skeptical when the guy brings it up first. so we haven't been together particularly long. There's a few issues and as a result, I'm feeling indifference towards him and the relationship.That is a textbook result of a woman being brought into "girlfriend" status before she was quite ready for it. This is why "The Talk" needs to be initiated by the woman and the guy needs to not spaz out and wait for it. We barely go out to eat anymore, he just prefers ordering uber eats.He got the GF status he wanted, then lazyness sets in. he did not allow me to speak, kept cutting me off and telling me that what I was going to say is irrelevant. ....<continued>... I have no issue with debating about issues but it’s how it’s presented and the attitude which makes it all that different. He did the same thing again, cutting me off, shaking his head, going on is phone to prove that white bread is better for you than wholemeal/grain and brown. He does not understand women. He does not understand the idea of "winning the battle but losing the war". He doesn't understand that it is important that the woman at the end of the day needs to go home feeling "happy" that she spent time with her guy and have good feeling about it,...the actual details of the day are less important. Going home feeling like she was "crushed in a debate" is a negative. I find him a bit malicious at times for example, if I unintentionally don’t reply or answer his call for a few hours, he will do the same to me.The whole "Tit for Tat" behavor is a sign of childishness and selfishness. “Haha I’m not sure you would have appreciate your new years eve surrounded by frenchies (he’s french) you can get easily annoyed with only one around so I can’t imagine what it would be if it were to be with a bunch” then he claimed he was joking.That just sounds really whacky to me. He probably later thought the same,...people always say they "were joking" after whatever stupid thing they said just fell flat and they are trying to recover. We caught up today, I would actually like to think I’ve got great skin (bit on the fair side but no wrinkles/breakouts), he says in a joking manner whilst I was away I should’ve got more sun. Felt in between my legs and said “You need to work out a bit more” and then at another time, pointing at my nails as there was a tiny bit of dirt underneath. I sort of voiced that he was insulting me but promised we weren’t. He complained I didn’t kiss him or hug him properly as I had to text a lady regarding a job. I told him that I showed my friend the text he sent me on NYE regarding the French people and that she agreed he might be taking a dig at me. He immediately jumped down my throat and said "That's bull****, of course your friend is going to agree"Wow! This starts to border on just being dangerous (or leading toward that). This is the kind of crap that a Narcissist pulls on their "targets". Well no point in going through he rest of it. It is just more of the same. at first I thought he was just another typical guy that "didn't have a clue". But that last part was an eye opener. Google the definition and characteristics of a Narcissist,...you will see that it overlays perfectly over that last part that you described. Edited January 3, 2019 by PRW
stillafool Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 That is a textbook result of a woman being brought into "girlfriend" status before she was quite ready for it. This is why "The Talk" needs to be initiated by the woman and the guy needs not spaz out and wait for it. Um, I think a lot of women would disagree with you on this one. I think most women want the guy to ask them to be his girlfriend. 2
bathtub-row Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Um, I think a lot of women would disagree with you on this one. I think most women want the guy to ask them to be his girlfriend. Amen to that! I would NEVER make that suggestion to a guy. 2
DKT3 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Honestly this guy sounds very immature. Yet, I've noticed in your writing that you seem to have a bit of a treat me better than I treat you attitude. you mentioned getting upset with him about things you've done yourself and expect him to be ok with it. to be expected at your age. I say you just casually date around for a while because you're not relationship ready. Definitely stop seeing this guy. 1
preraph Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Well, you must want to be with someone, anyone, pretty bad to stay with this guy. He has nothing to offer. He's boring. He smokes. He doesn't want to go do things. He wants you to do the running. In short, he just wants free convenient sex. Even if you enjoy the sex, for you, it's not convenient. I'm sure there's someone out there better suited. You know, nothing wrong with just being on your own. You don't always have to be partnered up. You'd be having more fun by yourself at this point. You date someone to get to know them. It's not a commitment. Now you know him, he sucks. 1
PRW Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Um, I think a lot of women would disagree with you on this one. A lot of women will disagree with me no matter what I said, even if I said the opposite.
PRW Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Amen to that! I would NEVER make that suggestion to a guy.I bet you would
bathtub-row Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 I bet you would Not hardly. Never have, never will. 1
preraph Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Um, I think a lot of women would disagree with you on this one. I think most women want the guy to ask them to be his girlfriend. Yeah, since men are the ones who have the hardest time wanting to commit! 1
hippychick3 Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Um, I think a lot of women would disagree with you on this one. I think most women want the guy to ask them to be his girlfriend. Absolutely. I’ve had many boyfriends and LTR’s over the years and have NEVER been the one to bring up “girlfriend status.” I don’t know any other woman who has either. That’s so odd to me. 2
PRW Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 Yeah, since men are the ones who have the hardest time wanting to commit! I don't deny that is the common thought among a lot of people, but these forums are only a small part of where I present these ideas. A lot of it is also in person and a lot of it is in observing and dealing with people. When I said that a lot of women would disagree with me either way I stated it, that is true. But more than half agree with me. A portion of them agree after getting past the knee jerk reaction where they first disagree, and after I have the time to explain the reasons behind my position. It is interesting on the male side as well. Most of the men I deal with are not the confident "alpha" type of men. The majority are the agreeable, the timid, the insecure, and whatever other term you want to call them so I think you get the point. These men come from a position of lacking, or need, or scarcity. So they are the ones to try to lock the girl down as soon as possible out of fear that some other guy will steal them away, or fear the woman will just forget about them somehow. In today's society, at least in Western Society these guys either already are, or are becoming, the majority. Women fall in love by developing an emotional attachment to the guy, but this takes more time to accomplish than what it takes with a man who is being systematic and goal driven, especially when accelerated by neediness. What then happens is that the woman involved gets pulled into a relationship before the emotional attachment has fully matured. When this happens you end up with a woman who says,"...so we haven't been together particularly long. There's a few issues and as a result, I'm feeling indifference towards him and the relationship.", to quote from the OP. A woman may not realize it fully at the moment and may not make the immediate connection until it is pointed out to her, but it is one of the root causes of the relationship issues.
MaleIntuition Posted January 3, 2019 Posted January 3, 2019 In this case it sounds irrelevant if it was him or her whom brought up the bf/gf status; the point is that they “committed” to soon. It also sounds to me like they have been spending a bit much time together and settling for routines - almost jumping past a honey moon stage into old-bickering couple stage. A bit curious though, ladies, if a guy you really like whom was otherwise very good never brought it up? You would still refuse to initiate “the talk”? Hypothetically speaking.
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