Should I call it a day

[Boo2611]

Ok apologies for the long post but advice needed please. I started chatting to a guy online back in Oct, he’s 6/8 months out of a long term relationship. We swapped numbers and chatted regularly before meeting up 6 weeks later. We had a lovely first date, just drinks (both sober) but got on really really well.

 

He continued to text me regularly (not daily but every other day) and a second date was arranged. We had to cancel this for genuine reasons but he was the first to suggest rearranging. Five weeks did pass between first and second date.

 

To cut a long story short we had a second date which went extremely well, lots of drinks and we spent about 8 hours chatting. I always had a feeling that he was never really looking for anything as such. I.e relationship or one night stand and this came up in conversation that night. He confirmed that this is the case due to circumstances and that heÂ’s not really interested in anything (his words). He did say as long as he’s honest he doesn’t see the harm in us seeing each other again and who knows it could turn into something.

 

Anyway we did end up ‘together’ that night and his behaviour the next morning was a little cold, no kiss goodbye etc but we chatted on the phone and he explained I maybe want to move fast and he doesn’t. I explained I don’t want a situation where I may start to like someone who isn’t that bothered and maybe we should stop if he doesn’t want anything at all. He said let’s just see what happens and we’ll go out again soon.i have no idea when this may be. He has texted me since regularly.

 

My question is should I be walking away here, I do like him but is he just using me as someone to go on dates with etc...I don’t want to be too hasty but can’t help feeling I’ve been left hanging on so to speak....

I must add I do not think this guys actions are purely sex based..that happened as we had drank a lot and was totally mutual and there has been little reference to it since or suggestion of it happening again. I guess I don’t understand why he keeps in contact and wants to see me again if he doesn’t actually ‘want anything’

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[Cersei]

He outright told you he is not looking for anything. Of course he is just using you for sex.

 

If you are wanting more get away from him as soon as possible. He won't change his mind.

[stillafool]

I think you both are using each other for sex. You are a grown woman and you wanted the sex too or you wouldn't have done it so I don't know how you were used. He made it clear he does not want a relationship but wants to just date. Casual dating does include sex and communication. If you know this type of relationship doesn't work for you and you want more then yes "call if a day" and exit.

[Boo2611]

Hi thank you for replying. I think you’re right in what you say. I must add I’m not trying to say he used me for sex as yes we are both adults and knew what we were doing. Maybe foolishly I thought there might have been a bit more warmness afterwards that didn’t exist. I guess like you say he is only offering something basic here and I perhaps would like more. Thanks

[SophieG]

When I started seeing my actual bf, I was out if a 4 years relationship for 6 weeks only. I had moved on, but wasn’t exactly ready for another serious relationship, which I told him, but I also mentionned that I was not closed to the idea if the right person came along.

2 weeks in (so 3 dates, including 2 sleepovers and daily communication), he told me he could so himself in a relationship with me, but didn’t want to rush things for me, he just put it out there.

One month in, we became exclusive. Since the first date, we spent every weekend together. After dating for 2 months, we started seeing each other 1 or 2 nights a week (+Friday to Sunday), met the families, etc. The relationship naturally evolved to something serious.

 

I’m telling you this because I was in your guy’s situation, and for me, it did work out, we did end up in a relationship and are working together towards long term goals (moving in, vacations). But my situation can also be pretty rare. I think you have to see if you’re ready to see where it goes, with keeping in mind that it might not leas anywhere.

[Boo2611]

Hi thanks Sophie. The problem I have is that he leaves it so long between dates, which is probably an intentional act on his part to keep his distance, (the slight coldness the morning after also troubled me). I guess like you say I either take a chance and he will either be a genuinely nice guy who just isn't ready to be rushed at the moment or I'll be strung along for a while.

There's just no way of knowing which way it will go I guess.

[SophieG]

Yo’re right! My situation was different because we talked everyday and from date 1, we saw each other every Friday-Saturday (we live 1h distance, so it’s more complicated during the week). The onlt weekend we didn’t see each other was because of a fight where we both overreacted and needed time to cool off.

He could have called it a day because I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and I would of understand, but I’m glad he didn’t, because now it’s been 6 months and it’s really amazing. But, he took a gamble and decided to see this through because he was really interested in me and could see potential (even though I wasn’t there yet). There’s not way of knowing in advance. If I were you, I’d be honest with him. If you’re not that into him, don’t waste your time. If you think he’s worth it, you could give him a shot and see where this goes.

I don’t like living with « what if », I’d rather fall on my face and get hurt than wonder down the line. But that’s me personally.

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[smackie9]

You could feel he didn't want much, and by his conversation with you, he wasn't promising you any, and he didn't have much enthusiasm. He goes cold after sex because he is drawing a line in the sand...he's not interested in pursuing anything and that is his way of letting you know. You ask "But why have sex with me then?" because it's sex, everyone wants sex, guys always want sex. The thing is sex is not a currency that buys you a relationship. You enjoyed a night together, but he's probably gonna move on now.

[PRW]

You may have got "played".

 

The acting "non-committal" can mean different things. I can mean they are trying to avoid looking needy even though they are wanting to jump on a "relationship" the first chance they get. But it can also mean they are trying to tell you that you are never really going to mean anything to them. You have to read and combine all the other ques with it. The whole "just got out of a relationship" thing is just a standard excuse used to justify the "non-committal" position. Everyone over the age of 17 has "come out of a relationship,...unless they haven't dated in 20 years,...but would that be an improvement? I never ask or even care if they "just got out of a relationship",...I am concerned about what their current actions at the moment are like.

 

We swapped numbers and chatted regularly before meeting up 6 weeks later.

You should never be chatting for 6 weeks before the guy gets up the balls to make a date. That should happen after the second or third message.

 

To cut a long story short we had a second date which went extremely well, lots of drinks and we spent about 8 hours chatting.

a 2nd date should never last 8 hours. It should be a couple hours and call it good,...allowing both to go on their way "wanting a little more" which will set the foundation for the 3rd date. Unless of course it is going to be a one night stand,...which is what happened.

[Boo2611]

Yeah I think the coldness speaks volumes really but he seems to lack the ability to totally walk away, guys like this that I've encountered before never seemed to find it hard. Ultimately perhaps I just need to talk to him but its hard to know what to say without coming across as if I'm putting the pressure on but at the same time trying to make sure I have some control over the situation also i.e. contact and dates are always on his terms. Any advice on this would be appreciated.

[Boo2611]

You may have got "played".

 

The acting "non-committal" can mean different things. I can mean they are trying to avoid looking needy even though they are wanting to jump on a "relationship" the first chance they get. But it can also mean they are trying to tell you that you are never really going to mean anything to them. You have to read and combine all the other ques with it. The whole "just got out of a relationship" thing is just a standard excuse used to justify the "non-committal" position. Everyone over the age of 17 has "come out of a relationship,...unless they haven't dated in 20 years,...but would that be an improvement? I never ask or even care if they "just got out of a relationship",...I am concerned about what their current actions at the moment are like.

 

You should never be chatting for 6 weeks before the guy gets up the balls to make a date. That should happen after the second or third message.

 

a 2nd date should never last 8 hours. It should be a couple hours and call it good,...allowing both to go on their way "wanting a little more" which will set the foundation for the 3rd date. Unless of course it is going to be a one night stand,...which is what happened.

 

 

 

This makes a lot of sense also thanks for your straight forward advice. I agree with your point of we have all just got out of a relationship. I'm beginning to think I'm just an option and perhaps need to walk away.

[PRW]

You could feel he didn't want much, and by his conversation with you, he wasn't promising you any, and he didn't have much enthusiasm. He goes cold after sex because he is drawing a line in the sand...he's not interested in pursuing anything and that is his way of letting you know. You ask "But why have sex with me then?" because it's sex, everyone wants sex, guys always want sex. The thing is sex is not a currency that buys you a relationship. You enjoyed a night together, but he's probably gonna move on now.

 

Very well put.

 

I've been thinking since my previous post about this.

I could easily find myself in a situation where I'm on a second date with someone but not wanting (or not sure I want) anything more than that with them,...just want to keep it casual. Yet I could still find myself waking up at their place in the morning and feeling a little out of whack about it. The one-night stand could easily mess things up in my mind causing me to feel distant. But yet at the same time I would mean no ill will toward her what-so-ever. I guess it is always easier to talk about stuff like this from a distance than it would be to live it out.

[Boo2611]

Thanks for your advice, I must admit his regular contact puzzles me and his admission he'd like us to see each other again (prior to sex occurring & it really wasn't on the agenda just a drunk last minute decision)..why bother if you're not looking to pursue anything with that particular person..there are plenty of women online he can chat to.

[Gretchen12]

He needs to keep texting you to try and not think about his ex and to have a woman who is interested in him to stroke his bruised ego from his breakup.

 

As for you, it is totally possible to string yourself along. People do that a lot. You decide what you want to read into a situation. He's not chasing you and not much has happened yet, so actually you can walk away without making a fuzz.

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[Versacehottie]

I wouldn't get caught up in whether or not he was using you for sex--the most relevant part is that he said he isn't looking for anything serious. That's the part you should focus on.

 

If it doesn't align with what you want (sounds like it doesn't), then yeah you should probably stop seeing him or re-characterize HOW you do (i.e. date others actively, leave no hope for anything with him etc). I think he is probably cold after spending the night with you because he is distancing himself from himself getting attached, you getting attached or your hopes up. It doesn't mean he doesn't like your companionship or ego boost of your interest but you should probably tell yourself its a dead end.

 

If you can entertain yourself with him when and if it suits you then fine (that's what he is/will do)--though i think this is pretty hard for women to do without expectations. Realize each time you let him into your life, it's an opportunity cost of whoever else could take that space (and give you what you want). It's also a risk that despite your "plan" you may still get attached and then have to spend time getting over it--all the while delaying what you really want: an guy who you are interested in and vice versa that does want a relationship. Good luck

[Boo2611]

Thanks so much for your replies..the last two after reading have put things into context which is what I needed to do. I think the ego boost is probably spot on, especially after his break up.

If a guy can treat me coldly after a great date and spending the night together then he’s not worth the effort. I’ve had a one night stand years ago who still treated me kindly & with respect the next day. To update he’s been texting all night but then I was told I’m expecting too much too soon by asking if he was looking for a friends with benefits scenario....now I’m doubting myself as to whether I am but I was asking so I could establish exactly what’s happening...anyway thanks guys much appreciated x

[PRW]

If a guy can treat me coldly after a great date and spending the night together then he’s not worth the effort.

That just sounds like stung pride getting in the way.

 

If the guy was confused, conflicted, and "in his head" the next morning, then that is not the same thing as treating you coldly. Treating someone coldly is intentional and vindictive and there is nothing I see here that would indicate such.

 

I’ve had a one night stand years ago who still treated me kindly & with respect the next day.

Guys aren't robots. We don't do everything the same way just like the guy before us did.

 

To update he’s been texting all night but then I was told I’m expecting too much too soon by asking if he was looking for a friends with benefits scenario....

First, if he is texting you like this then he isn't "treating you coldly". What it really means is that we have a guy here that went into this not expecting anything and thinking he didn't want anything, but yet, somehow, you have gotten his attention in spite of that. Second, you asking him about FWB is showing that you are getting too wrapped up in it too soon (or you wouldn't have asked),...so if that is what he said to you than he is right.

 

What you need to do is one of two things:

 

1. The two of you get together for a date once a week. No more than that, just once a week for a little while. It would also be a good idea to sleep alone during that time. After a few more dates just relax and let things take their natural course. Have a "wait and see" attitude.

 

2. Your second option is to just walk away and forget it. But then you will always wonder about how it could have turned out if you would have just dialed it back a bit and waited to see what would happen. Then you would likely have something similar happen with the next one, and maybe the next one. So I would take option #1,...and if nothing else you'll gain a little dating practice in the process which most people could stand to do.

[Versacehottie]

<snip>To update he’s been texting all night but then I was told I’m expecting too much too soon by asking if he was looking for a friends with benefits scenario....now I’m doubting myself as to whether I am but I was asking so I could establish exactly what’s happening...anyway thanks guys much appreciated x

 

Am i understanding this right that (bolded) you asked him essentially what are we/where is this going? I'm just going to say that would probably spook even a guy who DID want a relationship as you have only been out twice, right?

 

So i do standby what i said in my other post that you should not expect anything from him and probably easiest to move on but for the future asking this question of almost any guy could garner the same reaction!!!! Let's be honest that even though you were asking the question in the "negative" i.e. "is this a FWB situation" it's basically the same thing--asking for definition of what you are and anything else that he would say is potentially over promising or reassuring you by saying it could be more (which was your real question if you are honest with yourself). Nothing would have changed much since the first time he told you what he did--sometimes if you are willing to take a chance for things to develop you have to do just that. I'm not saying it's "wrong" to ask but there will be consequences if you do: everything when acted upon has a reaction basically. Good luck

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[mortensorchid]

He is not looking for anything serious, that's for sure. The first clue should have been when it took so long to meet the man face to face. Someone who is interested in you will want to meet face to face as soon as possible rather than draw it out for weeks / months. When OLD first started years ago, I encountered a lot of people who I got into chat relationships with. And that's all we had, a chat relationship. There were times I did ask to meet the person and he said he was too busy or had other plans, and I knew this wasn't going to go anywhere. Eventually the chat relationship faded away.

 

As for his coldness? Well ... That's your answer there. I would cut losses as soon as possible and move on.

[Boo2611]

Hi thanks everyone its great to have different perspectives on this. He doesn't seem interested in setting up a weekly date, perhaps arranging to go out every 2/3 weeks - this in itself seemed odd hence why I broached the topic of FWB's. If that's what he wants then that's kind of ok aslong as I at least know what it is I'm getting into..it may be I'd like that too if its a mutual decision. I can take a different approach if I know that's what it is and all it will be.

Yeah of course I take on board that it may have been too soon to ask that question (and maybe shouldn't have) but I have the feeling he knows exactly what he's doing here.

The coldness, I take on board this may be due to confusion but I really, really didn't get that vibe...

Anyway I asked the question, it may be that I don't hear from him again because of that and if so then not much can be done but to move on and take some lessons from it myself perhaps.

[PRW]

Go with the 2/3 weeks. It isn't costing you anything. He may have valid reasons for this frequency at this time. He may also just be trying to restrain your expectations a bit, while in reality it might be more often than 2/3.

[edgygirl]

Why are you accepting bread crumbs? Is this what you really want? Is this how you want to be treated? Why? No men is all that.

 

If a guy doesn't ask me out on a first date within a week, or within a week after our first date, it's bye. Next.

 

The thing about men is they're quite transparent. He seems lukewarm, and he is. Go find a man who can't wait to see you.

 

edit: just read you're okay with being his FWB... but he's not even into that that much. Maybe find another one?

[Boo2611]

Why are you accepting bread crumbs? Is this what you really want? Is this how you want to be treated? Why? No men is all that.<snip>

 

Hi thanks for replying. If I’m honest I shift between what you’re saying and stopping all contact (and I totally agree with your points) and then thinking well I’ll just see what happens and adopt his attitude and go on other dates if I get the chance..adopt the attitude that this is a dead duck almost. Detach myself if you like.

In all honesty I think if i chill out with this I’ll probably naturally bore of the situation anyway as he isn’t arranging dates close enough together to maintain any interest. It becomes a purely text based thing between dates which isn’t exciting after a long time.

I’m in agreement with the breadcrumbs theory..that does keep popping into my head..

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[PRW]

If you consider it bread crumbs then you are continuing to place too much value to what you WISH is was.

 

If you have a balanced view of the value then it is nothing more than a casual date,...every once in a while,...with a guy you barely know. What do you do with casual date? You hang out, have fun, and don't worry about it. How valuable is a casual once-in-a-while date?....how valuable is a guy you barely know? Who knows?,...You wait and see. Maybe it will be nothing, maybe it will be something.