tiredandsad Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 Please be patient with me. I am very stressed out and confused. My wife of 12 years and 2 kids (8 and 4) is having strong feelings for another man who is a family friend with a wife and 2 kids of their own. He has been messing up my wife's mind for the past 4 to 5 months and it is getting worse. He is referred to as "I" and my wife have occasional coffe in the morning after they drop of the kids at school. Some days, they meet even when they do not have the kids. "I" and his wife have been partying with other couples who are swingers, and he has been braging about them to my wife. This has made my wife excited and sad at the same time. About 3 months ago my kids and I have been putting up with her new attitude of the fact that, she is bored, she is tired of the same things everyday and how life has been unfair to her. Meanwhile, when she meets him, she is as happy as can be. I have told her that I do not like their relationship and it should stop. She claimed that is is just friends, and she has always had better relationships with men than women. I started checking her computer habits, and she is continueously checking on him to have Instant Messaging with him. She does alot of that when I am away for any period of the time, and she claims nothing is going on. I brought up this subject again, and she started covering up for him and defending him like she has never done the same for me. I snooped in her work computer and found out that he had been sending her love poems. I am pissed and sad. I have not told her about my monitorinng her, but she finally said as much as "he is my confidant". SInce she can not talk to women, she confides in him. That hurts, I thought (as I told her) that is what husband and wives are for. What am I to do. I dont want to miss the most precious days of my kids. I will be nothing without them. I am tired and very sad. Any suggestions?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 First and foremost, you will need to understand that no matter what she is calling it, it is an affair - and you will need to understand her willingness to be in it. Your W is not an 'innocent victim' of this guy. He has been messing up my wife's mind for the past 4 to 5 months and it is getting worse. Unless your W is feeble minded, he hasn't been 'messing up' her mind. She has willingly participated in the affair and allowed herself to feel these things. She chose this. She, therefore has to take responsibility for her part in it and you will need to see that she does. "I" and his wife have been partying with other couples who are swingers, and he has been braging about them to my wife. Hoo boy. This is bad. Part of ending an affair is exposing it. Exposing it to people whose relationship is entirely based on extramarital activity is not going to do any good. About 3 months ago my kids and I have been putting up with her new attitude of the fact that, she is bored, she is tired of the same things everyday and how life has been unfair to her. I'd wager she's been going at it with this guy for those three months. I wouldn't trust that it hasn't been physical, either. What WS's will swear on the lives of their children was "never physical" almost always turns out in the end to have been physical nearly all along. Again, she has to take responsibility for this - her "unfair" life doesn't give her the right to tear apart her family and expose you to venereal disease. I have told her that I do not like their relationship and it should stop. She claimed that is is just friends, and she has always had better relationships with men than women. The very fact that she puts her marriage at risk like that should give you some insight about the nature of this "friendship" and where she prioritizes it over your marriage. She is gaslighting you - that means that she is lying to you directly, and making you think that not only is "nothing going on" but you are wrong to question her "friendship". SInce she can not talk to women, she confides in him. That hurts, I thought (as I told her) that is what husband and wives are for. That is what they are for. Unfortunately, she has replaced you emotionally with guy. She did it willingly. She chose to do it. She chooses him again and again over you and the marriage. Time to pay the piper. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE MONITORING. All that will do is make her better at covering her tracks. Get a keylogger. Install it on her computer. This will give you everything she types in. Everything. Print out every damning bit of evidence you find and HIDE IT. If you have the extra money, hire a PI to keep an eye on things that you cannot. Check phone records - get detailed statements. There is NO DOUBT that she is having an affair. This gathering of information will only be to give yourself some solid proof to confront her with. Unless you have solid proof, she will continue to lie to you - because that what WS's do when they are protecting their affair from you. When you have enough evidence, take it to a divorce lawyer and find out your options in terms of monetary and child custody issues. Get papers drawn up. Now, you may never need to use these. Hopefully you will not. Put them someplace safe. Now, take copies of that evidence you gathered and sit her down and hand it to her. Do not say a word as she flips through the pages. She will be ANGRY. The mother of all PISSED OFF. Why? Because you busted her. Hardcore. She will accuse you of everything in the book: of making her life miserable, of 'spying' on her, of trying to destroy her 'happiness' with the OM - you name it. You will be the marital equivalent of the evil dictator trying to control her life. Do not address a single one of these issues or defend yourself in any way. She f*cked up. Not you. So, you will keep the focus entirely on what she did. Here is a sample: You: I think you need to sit down. I have something to show you. Her: You bastard! How dare you do this to me? You: I'm sorry that I had to violate your privacy, but once it was apparent that you were having an affair - all privacy bets are off. Her: I can't believe you would do this to me - you are trying to ruin my life and my happiness by taking away the only friend I have. You: This isn't about me trying to ruin your life. This is about me trying to save our marriage. I have talked to a divorce lawyer and while I do not want to go through a divorce, you leave me no choice but to ask you to end this affair, never speak to this man again, and go to marriage counseling - or I will divorce you. Staying "friends" with this man means you are choosing divorce. Her: How dare you!! You f*cking bastard! I love my kids but I hate my life here, and I hate you for what you are doing to me - I will not give up the only friend I have. You: You know your choices: stop your affair and go to marriage counseling to save this marriage, or stay in the affair and end our marriage. Then... walk away. She'll have nothing but hatred to spew at you anyway at this point. Pick it up at a later time if you have to. Whatever you do, keep it focused ENTIRELY on her affair and her responsibility in it. Do not answer or address anything she says to change the subject or try to make this your fault. Do not defend yourself. Simply say nothing at every accusation she throws at you. Remind her that your goal is to save your marriage and you intend to fight for it. Repeat that many times. Simply end the conversation if she insists - tell her that you are willing to discuss her choice, and her choice ONLY. It will be ugly, painful, awful - but the only person who is going to end the affair will have to be you and it will end badly. She'll either agree to a divorce, or she will agree to angry, resentful counseling until her fog clears and she is ready for actual reconciliation.
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 TiredandSad, I'm sorry for your pain. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/?highlight=DazednConfused This is a long thread, but worth the read. I think you could benefit from reading DazednConfused's story and how he handled it when his wife cheated on him. LB has given you some totally awesome advice! My suggestion for you is, if you feel you can't handle this on your own, talk to a therapist. He/she will help you cope with the feelings and how to deal with the changes. As well as letting your whole family know what's going on and your wife's family too. Exposing the affair will end it, but LB is right, the fact the OM and his wife are swingers really won't affect them much if the wife finds out...I'm sure she probably knows. Again, sorry for your pain and just know you'll get alot of support here too.
TAS Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Thanks LB. I have been thinking about doing so, but if there is no trust in our marriage, where do we stand. I have given alot of thought about this, however, it is this relationship in particular that has me not trusting her much. She is a great mother, hard working and great in everything else, but having an affair has gotten me realy sad about the whole situation. I am in process of purchasing a special software for that reason, and I hope I won't have to regret it. I have even thought about confronting him, but I am afraid it is going to backfire on me. I know they talk to each other alot. Thanks for hearing (reading) me out. I read this somewhere, "When use lose everything, you have nothing, but if you have LOVE, you have EVERYTHING". This was by a New Orleans survivor.
Recommended Posts